# Is this common behavior? Is it symptomatic of anything? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 23, 2008, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019 "2008-08-23T12:34:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2008, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/21 "2008-08-24T15:41:24Z")
[QUOTE=lobotomyboy63] We make promises according to our hopes; we keep them according to our fears. ~La Rochefoucauld Yes, people love the brownie points for volunteering but do they follow through? Some will only do so if they fear a shitstorm of retribution. The key here, I think, is to demote the individual in question. That is, his credibility rating drops and you never ask him to do anything for you again…or at least, don’t assign an essential piece of the job to be completed. They need to grow up and you need to note their non-performance and not buy into it next time. [/QUOTE] I think this is the way forward. 🙂 As others have said, family members often feel embarrassed to say “No, I can’t help”. So they offer to help. Then they get guilty when you remind them. Then they get grumpy when you remind them again. If they don’t help, don’t ask them again. If they do ever help, thank them (and perhaps offer to help them). ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2008, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/22 "2008-08-24T15:44:01Z")
[QUOTE=Alice The Goon] Tout de suite, meaning, as you know, right away. [/QUOTE] Merci beaucoup! I just couldn’t get this image of a kid in a Little Lord Faunterloy outfit out of my head… ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2008, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/23 "2008-08-24T23:05:30Z")
[QUOTE=matt\_mcl] People ask me why I do everything myself. “Why don’t you delegate?” they ask. It’s for this reason: even if I delegate to someone to whom I clearly have the right to delegate things, and the person accepts and understands the assignment, _it never gets done_, and I’m left like a moron without the thing I absolutely needed to have happen. [/QUOTE] Same here. It seems as if whenever I depend on anyone to do anything for me, big or small, 9 times out of 10 the plan isn’t carried out in a way that doesn’t leave my hair falling out with stress and aggravation. It’s not like I’m a control freak either. People are just plain unreliable. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2008, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/24 "2008-08-25T00:03:16Z")
The older I get, the more I try to finesse this. There are people I would really rather not feel indebted to, so I’d have to be pretty desperate to ask for their help. E.g. have you ever agreed to help someone move, and when you arrive that morning, they haven’t even packed? What should have taken a couple hours can become an all-day ordeal. Some people are happy to spend/waste _your_ time pretty freely like that. I would be careful not to ask a favor from such a person. There are also those who will come through with the favor, but seem to hold on to it forever. They’ll drop it into a conversation two years later, sort of like maybe you still owe them. IMO people are lousy accountants: you might have done half a dozen favors in return, but what _they_ remember is the one time they put themselves out for you. And if the build up was like in the OP—you’re thinking, ‘Yeah, you did me the favor once I reminded you a dozen times, and only then at the last minute. You didn’t do it well or give me what I specifically asked for.’ etc.—well, I’ll let you fill in your own retort that you’ll probably never say out loud. I don’t ask for favors from these people either. ---
**Author:** ![Digital\_Stimulus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Digital\_Stimulus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Digital_Stimulus)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2008, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/25 "2008-08-25T01:00:52Z")
[QUOTE=lobotomyboy63] IMO people are lousy accountants: you might have done half a dozen favors in return, but what _they_ remember is the one time they put themselves out for you. [/QUOTE] A quote I always remember: > [@W. Somerset Maugham](#): > > He was so young, he did not realise how much less is the sense of obligation in those who receive favours than in those who grant them. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2008, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/26 "2008-08-25T04:06:33Z")
nothing to see here…move along 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2008, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/27 "2008-08-25T04:07:09Z")
The thing I hate is the “stealth deadlines.” People ask you to do something but don’t like to come on all heavy about how timely or important it is. So you back-burner or forget it. Then they get pissy, because naturally they expected it pronto all along. I really think the old RO is involved here: they get to have their cake when they don’t put the pressure on you, then eat it too after you don’t respond immediately. Perhaps it’s a trait of smugly responsible people to test those around them and find them wanting, which makes the smugly responsible feel even smugger after all the pissyness is over. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2008, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/28 "2008-08-25T04:23:43Z")
[QUOTE=Beware of Doug] The thing I hate is the “stealth deadlines.” People ask you to do something but don’t like to come on all heavy about how timely or important it is. So you back-burner or forget it. Then they get pissy, because naturally they expected it pronto all along. I really think the old RO is involved here: they get to have their cake when they don’t put the pressure on you, then eat it too after you don’t respond immediately. Perhaps it’s a trait of smugly responsible people to test those around them and find them wanting, which makes the smugly responsible feel even smugger after all the pissyness is over. [/QUOTE] That’s not directed at my OP, is it? If someone says that they’ll do it this weekend, and then several weeks later _lies_ about whether it was done or not, is what really chaps my hide. At the end of the day, I just feel pissed off and frustrated for having been misled. I certainly don’t feel smug, and my original purpose wasn’t to “test” anyone, I’d just like to have my damn mail forwarded to me if at all possible. I also don’t much care for the idea that I have to constantly badger or shout at people (“come on all heavy” as you put it) in order to encourage them to keep their word. ---
**Author:** ![sunacres](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@sunacres](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunacres)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2008, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/29 "2008-08-25T04:29:40Z")
[QUOTE=Beware of Doug] So you back-burner or forget it. [/QUOTE] **Doug** , reread the OP. Slowly. Carefully. Then look in a mirror. ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2008, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/30 "2008-08-25T04:44:26Z")
[QUOTE=Alice The Goon] Me: Hey, my car’s doing \. What do you think I should do? Him: Oh, I’ll come look at it this week. Don’t worry about it. ::two weeks later:: Me: You know, that thing with my car is getting worse. I’m getting worried. Are you going to come look at it, or should I take it to the mechanic? Him: Oh, yeah, I’ll come look at it tomorrow. Don’t take it to the mechanic, I’ll take care of it. ::two weeks later:: Me: That thing with my car has gotten really bad. I’m taking it to the mechanic. Him: NO! Do NOT take it to the mechanic! I’ll come look at it, I promise! ::two weeks later:: Me: I broke down on the side of the road. Can you come get me? My car had to be towed to the mechanic. [/QUOTE] … And then you present him your bill for the towing charges and/or major repairs that could’ve been prevented had they been caught early. Right? ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2008, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/31 "2008-08-25T05:12:47Z")
Not so much. He does usually help me out with the bill just because he makes a lot more than I do and he’s my best friend, but I guarantee if I presented him with a bill he would take it as such an affront that it would end our friendship. I’ve just learned to not trust him with anything critical and he somehow still holds on to his opinion of himself as reliable and dependable. :rolleyes: For me it’s just become a trait that you don’t like in another but accept because they’re good in other ways. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2008, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/32 "2008-08-25T05:47:03Z")
One of the people who does this to me (well, steps 1-3.) simply has no sense of priority. He kind of runs on a last in-first out system. So, if you ask him to do something now - you have to keep him focused on that thing or else some other thing (or many other things) will come along and knock your request down the queue. If you ask him to do something later, you have to first stop him from doing it now - and then refocus his attention when later finally comes around. I’ve also seen myself do the same thing. In fact, this thread just reminded me of something that I said I’d do and haven’t yet. ---
**Author:** ![Sleel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sleel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleel)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2008, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019/33 "2008-08-26T03:21:41Z")
Like others said, you make a mental note not to ask them for anything in the future. Once I’d been through this once or twice with different people I noticed the warning signs and found another way to get it done. Once you get to Stage 2 the alarm bells should be going off and you should start looking at alternatives. I hate doing group work because there’s always at least one person like this in any group I’ve ever been saddled with. The only thing it’s symptomatic of is that people are flakey, some more than others. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-common-behavior-is-it-symptomatic-of-anything/461019.md?page=1)