# Is this "hostess" totally out of line? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 16, 2010, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290 "2010-04-16T02:23:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/41 "2010-04-16T05:27:40Z")
I’ve only skimmed the thread, but from the first ten posts that I’ve read, I agree with **even sven’s** advice. Even if she’s off the mark, you can’t lose with increased communication. If that doesn’t work, then burn that bridge with a vengeance. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/42 "2010-04-16T05:28:59Z")
I agree with **Sleeps** regarding the party. I hadn’t even thought of it that way but yeah, it’s a party with all this chick’s friends at your expense. Don’t do it. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/43 "2010-04-16T05:41:38Z")
I don’t think you should go through with this either. You would not be rude to cancel, you’d just be _responding_ to rudness. I’d tell her to entertain her friends on her own dime this time and then get back to you if and when she wants to have the kind of evening you originally agreed to. People like this get away with stuff like this precisely because other people don’t want to confront them on their bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/44 "2010-04-16T05:44:31Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > I’m surprised she didn’t yet again try and relate it to her having lived in Cameroon and how oh-so-worldly she is. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has noticed that. I also love how she’s an expert on _everything_–love, friendship, what sort of food it’s acceptable to like or not like, how it’s a pity everyone isn’t just exactly like her. As for the party–and that’s what it is, a party with this woman’s friends that you’re providing everything for–if you’re dead-set on not backing out, I’d tell the woman that you’ll only be able to bring enough dessert for the original number of people you planned for. And then I’d bring two of those little individual sized bottles of wine they sell for picnics, plus two cans of soda. But what I’d personally do is tell her that something came up and I couldn’t make it. You don’t have to mention that what came up is the opportunity to watch Spongebob in your underpants. ---
**Author:** ![Rumor\_Watkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@Rumor\_Watkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rumor_Watkins)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/45 "2010-04-16T05:46:53Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I’d tell the woman that you’ll only be able to bring enough dessert for the original number of people you planned for. And then I’d bring two of those little individual sized bottles of wine they sell for picnics, plus two cans of soda. doing this, she’s going to wind up looking like a schmuck in front of 4 strangers just because she was too meek to confront the host. either don’t go at all or just sack up and provide. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/46 "2010-04-16T05:48:27Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I wouldn’t even go through with this one. I’d just tell her that you’ve decided it’s become too much, that you had envisioned a very small gathering- just you and them- and that you don’t want to do this. What is she going to do? You have the right to your feelings. This is what I’d recommend. The simple truth. . ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/47 "2010-04-16T05:48:36Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > I would have something suddenly come up. This. Offer to bring the lasagna too. Then fall sick 10 minutes before the party. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/48 "2010-04-16T05:55:29Z")
Is your grandmother still alive? Maybe just before the gathering, she could sadly pass away. Bonus- time off work, since you work with this chick and you’ll have to keep up the story. ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/49 "2010-04-16T05:59:23Z")
I wouldn’t go to the party. At this point, that is the only thing you can do that makes much sense. If it had been me I would have been upset about the fact that another couple was invited and I would have asked about that once it was brought up. Having a party that is supposed to be small grow without your knowing is really annoying and enough to get me to ask a question or two. It’s one thing when the friends are mutual, quite another when you don’t even know them. I think this aspect of the party growing is this hostess’ worst crime by far. Please get off the whole “Bringing entertainment” aspect. You are picking up a box with a board, some dice and simple instructions. Who cares? It won’t take another party goer 10 minutes to stop at Target and pick up Monopoly on their way to the party. Maybe she is asking all of the partiers to bring a bottle of wine so they can get drunk and she will win whatever the game is? That makes as much as sense as anything else with this hostess and her wacky way of partying. I didn’t see anything wrong with even sven’s posts in this thread. I don’t really know what it has to do with Cameroon, though. Is that a dessert that someone is going to bring to the party? Oh wait. That’s a macaroon. Don’t bring those. ---
**Author:** ![torie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/77aa72/32.png) [@torie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/torie)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/50 "2010-04-16T06:05:09Z")
> [@pricciar](#): > > I didn’t see anything wrong with even sven’s posts in this thread. I don’t really know what it has to do with Cameroon, though. Is that a dessert that someone is going to bring to the party? Oh wait. That’s a macaroon. Don’t bring those. There wasn’t anything wrong. Apparently, disagreeing with the majority of posters means open season for a pile-on. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/51 "2010-04-16T06:18:13Z")
My social skills are not much better than those of a dead cockroach so I shouldn’t get involved, but … > [@even\_sven](#): > > I disagree. I see this as a case of miss communication and different expectations. I _might_ buy this except OP mentioned hostess was providing only _water_ to drink! Even my socially inept friends and I throw some beer in the freezer when we know friends are coming over. My advice to OP is to first ask the question: Do I think I will enjoy this evening? Or will resentment outweigh the fun of meeting new people? If you’d rather not go, invent an excuse. Perhaps “My favorite nephew has suddenly been ‘invited’ to a shotgun wedding and we have to go stand up for him.” Or maybe “Our favorite goldfish is pregnant and we’re throwing her a private baby shower.” ---
**Author:** ![Tanaqui](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Tanaqui](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tanaqui)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/52 "2010-04-16T06:31:42Z")
> [@torie](#): > > There wasn’t anything wrong. Apparently, disagreeing with the majority of posters means open season for a pile-on. :rolleyes: Seriously. Looks like some people have got a few issues brewing. \*\*evensven \*\*didn’t say a single thing about her experience on the PeaceCorp, so why bother bringing that up? She just gave her opinion… _in a thread that was specifically made to ask for opinions_. The cheek of it! Not agreeing with the OP! :rolleyes: Even if \*\*evensven \*\*\*was \*a college kid, so what? Different social groups have different expectations. Maybe your friend’s social expectations are different than yours. Personally, I’ve gone to plenty of parties where people were actually charged an entrance fee–something I know would cause a few posters on the SDMB to have an aneurysm–but it was utterly unremarkable in my social group. > [@](#): > > The question here really isn’t is she being rude, it’s whether she’s out of line enough for me to say something. You simply don’t invite others to your home and then expect them to bring their own drink, dessert, and entertainment. No, the question was, in fact: > [@](#): > > What say ye, Dopers? **Is she out of line?** How would you react to this situation? evensven told you. Other people disagree. Personally, I don’t find this situation particularly appalling, but you clearly do, so don’t go to the party. Or go to the party, grit your teeth (but try to spare the other guests your annoyance) and never go to another one. It’s not really about how out of line she is, it’s about how you choose to react to her behavior. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/53 "2010-04-16T06:53:07Z")
I found it weird that EvenSven got the reaction she did too. Just didn’t really feel like saying anything about it. How dare she give her opinion in a thread that asks for opinions! ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/54 "2010-04-16T06:56:55Z")
How dare people give their opinions about someone’s opinions! ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/55 "2010-04-16T06:58:23Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#): > > I found it weird that EvenSven got the reaction she did too. Just didn’t really feel like saying anything about it. > > How dare she give her opinion in a thread that asks for opinions! I see this as a case of miss communication and different expectations. 😛 Clearly the OP was fishing for, “This woman’s being a bitch and taking advantage of me! Am I right?!” Any opinion other than “you go girl!” is clearly unwelcome. Especially from that jet settin _miss thang_ even sven. I’ve never been outside the 20 mile radius surrounding my trailer park, but she’s been to _Cameroon_. Oooh, la di da! ---
**Author:** ![Tanaqui](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Tanaqui](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tanaqui)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/56 "2010-04-16T07:10:20Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > How dare people give their opinions about someone’s opinions! But they weren’t giving their opinion about **evensven** ’s opinion in this thread, they were bashing her for totally unrelated reasons. ---
**Author:** ![cherry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cherry)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/57 "2010-04-16T07:10:51Z")
I would bail and say my husband can’t make it. That way it won’t be awkward at work though I would have liked to say something about it. She is over extending on you but you have to nip it. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/58 "2010-04-16T07:35:29Z")
> [@Tanaqui](#): > > But they weren’t giving their opinion about **evensven** ’s opinion in this thread, they were bashing her for totally unrelated reasons. It’s now clear to me that you hate America. If you don’t bash people who are different than you, the _terrorists win_. ---
**Author:** ![Crawlspace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Crawlspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crawlspace)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/59 "2010-04-16T07:35:34Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > The question here really isn’t _is_ she being rude, it’s whether she’s out of line enough for me to say something. You simply don’t invite others to your home and then expect them to bring their own drink, dessert, and entertainment. Maybe if you’re in college and haven’t yet learned proper social skills, but not as a mature adult. You agreed to everything every step of the way. If you want to talk about proper social skills I suggest you learn how to politely inform someone you won’t be able to do something for them. Try, “I’m so glad your friends are coming. I’m excited to meet them. Better grab another bottle of wine because I don’t think we’ll have time to pick up a second and we don’t want anyone to go without.” ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/60 "2010-04-16T07:50:22Z")
Goodness guys. If you want to pit me, go ahead and pit me. Or use the handy “ignore” feature. I’m just here wasting my time on the internet just like everyone else. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290.md?page=4)