# Is this "hostess" totally out of line? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 16, 2010, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290 "2010-04-16T02:23:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/101 "2010-04-16T16:05:25Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > Sigh. As I’ve said multiple times already, I was pretty much okay, albiet a little put out, until the soda thing. That is what put me over the edge. The fact that we’re bringing 80% of the party, then she has the nerve to tell us to bring our own _soda_ if we want it, was uncalled for. Also, a good host doesn’t put their guests in the position of having to say no to too many requests. It shouldn’t be _on_ me to have to “draw the line” on what I’m in charge of bringing as a guest to someone else’s party. > > I texted her and asked if one of the guests could bring the soda, and told her it was “a little weak” to ask us to do that when we’re already providing the dessert, entertainment and wine. She responded that it was fine and “they just don’t drink soda, that’s all she meant.” Based on that, methinks she just doens’t host much. > > She offered to pick up some games. I think I’ll take her up on that. Hey, I feel ya too. I mean, I really wouldn’t want to go, personally, since I’m more introverted and wouldn’t want to be around 2.5 couples I don’t know at all. I was just saying that if I _was_ going to go, I wouldn’t half-ass it (though it’d be tempting!), which it sounded like you were planning on doing with the box of Costco cookies. And then I wonder if there’s any polite way to have that woman learn proper hosting etiquette. I mean, if her parents didn’t entertain much (as an example), how is she going to learn? ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/102 "2010-04-16T16:36:21Z")
Show up with a deck of cards, a gallon of Jack Daniels and announce the game is strip poker. No matter how it turns out, you’ll win. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/103 "2010-04-16T16:47:19Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > Sigh. As I’ve said multiple times already, I was pretty much okay, albiet a little put out, until the soda thing. That is what put me over the edge. The fact that we’re bringing 80% of the party, then she has the nerve to tell us to bring our own _soda_ if we want it, was uncalled for. Also, a good host doesn’t put their guests in the position of having to say no to too many requests. It shouldn’t be _on_ me to have to “draw the line” on what I’m in charge of bringing as a guest to someone else’s party. > > I texted her and asked if one of the guests could bring the soda, and told her it was “a little weak” to ask us to do that when we’re already providing the dessert, entertainment and wine. She responded that it was fine and “they just don’t drink soda, that’s all she meant.” Based on that, methinks she just doens’t host much. > > She offered to pick up some games. I think I’ll take her up on that. Well, if she had said “nobody else drinks soda, so if you want some, you should bring it,” that would have been a little better, but still, as the hostess, she should have asked you what kind you drink and picked up a 2-liter. And I’ll bet that if you did bring some, they would drink it\*. \*OTOH, I have never drunk a cup of coffee in my life, so if a hostess asked me to pick up coffee, I’d tell her she was asking the wrong person and to choose something else, unless it was a desperate emergency and she could talk me through the coffee aisle. Otherwise, I’d end up either bringing enough for 200 people or some Latvian variety that’s been on the recall list for six months. But I certainly would **bring something**. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/104 "2010-04-16T17:02:15Z")
Did you respond to her request for soda? If not, I’d say respond with something like “I’m sorry, I can’t afford to play hostess for your party, since I’m already spending money to host our BBQ. I’ll bring the games and dessert as I offered, but I can’t afford to buy wine and drinks for 8. I thought this was going to be a small gathering, and you’d already offered to host it, so I didn’t budget for any of this.” Actually, even if you already responded to her request for soda, I’d go back and start with, “You know, now that I’ve had time to think about this…” and then give the rest of the speech above. You can be perfectly polite about it, but you can certainly let her know that she’s imposing and you’re not going to let her do that. ---
**Author:** ![Chickie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chickie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chickie)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/105 "2010-04-16T17:04:44Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Did you respond to her request for soda? > > If not, I’d say respond with something like “I’m sorry, I can’t afford to play hostess for your party, since I’m already spending money to host our BBQ. I’ll bring the games and dessert as I offered, but I can’t afford to buy wine and drinks for 8. I thought this was going to be a small gathering, and you’d already offered to host it, so I didn’t budget for any of this.” > > Actually, even if you already responded to her request for soda, I’d go back and start with, “You know, now that I’ve had time to think about this…” and then give the rest of the speech above. > > You can be perfectly polite about it, but you can certainly let her know that she’s imposing and you’re not going to let her do that. Agree entirely, except you can be more casual about it. “Hey, 8 people is a lot more than I thought were coming when I agreed to bring things. I can make a double-batch of dessert, but I can’t do wine for 8. Can you ask the others to bring some?” Getting passive-aggressive at this point will make you look bad. Telling her that 8 people is beyond your capacity to provide what you said you would is totally cool and normal. Besides, chances are the other couples can bring a bottle of wine each, easy. Isn’t that pretty much party etiquette anyway? I’ve always brought a bottle of wine to a party that someone else is hosting, and when I’m hosting a party, most people bring wine anyway, whether you ask for it or not. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/106 "2010-04-16T17:04:59Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > Spare me the condescending life lessons. We clearly have differing opinions on most things; your way of thinking and living are no better than mine or anyone elses. I’m really starting to get tired of you breezing into threads and dismissively telling people how they should react to things and how immature and childish everyones feelings are. Just because someone reacts to something differently than you would doesn’t mean their reaction is “silly” or in any way inferior to what yours would be in that situation. You’re still a college kid, right? Get over yourself. You asked for other peoples’ opinions, didn’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/107 "2010-04-16T17:33:39Z")
Does this person have a history of doing things like this? Are you likely to show up, and she’s actually provided quite a bit more, but not shared her plans? If the other couples have an ounce of class, they will also show up with food/booze/whatever. My vote: it’ll be fine. Go and have a good time. Jesus, Dopers can be a snotty bunch. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/108 "2010-04-16T17:50:25Z")
Maybe she’s hoping you’ll cancel. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/109 "2010-04-16T18:01:46Z")
> [@breaking-reality](#): > > Is your friend being rude, yes, but how is she supposed to know she is out of line when you keep telling her yes? When she said “Oh, it’s going to be eight people now, is that ok?” you should have said “Sure, that’s fine on the desserts, but I really don’t think we can swing bringing wine for that many as well.” . Except she never said that. She texted me the other day and said “now it’s 4 couples, I hope I have enough chairs!” I was never asked if it was “okay,” which would have been a perfect opportunity to say no. I think it’s a combination of her just never having really hosted stuff and her being a bit self absorbed. Given that, she doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking, as a hostess, about what would make her guests comfortable, while I tend to spend a little too MUCH time thinking about proper manners in any given situation. Anyway, we worked it out. I told her what I was feeling, and we agreed I’ll bring games and dessert, and everyone else can worry about everything else and a kickass time will be had by all. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/110 "2010-04-16T18:03:04Z")
> [@](#): > > Anyway, we worked it out. I told her what I was feeling, and we agreed I’ll bring games and dessert, and everyone else can worry about everything else and a kickass time will be had by all. That’s the spirit. Fuck all the drama. Have a good time! ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/111 "2010-04-16T18:07:23Z")
I would do just what you said- bring a bottle of wine and a package of cookies and show up, wiser for the next time. Hell, I’d bring a roll of toilet paper too and give it to her. “seemed like you needed a lot of stuff for the party so I didn’t want to get stuck without! HAW HAW HAW!” ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/112 "2010-04-16T18:20:22Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > Anyway, we worked it out. I told her what I was feeling, and we agreed I’ll bring games and dessert, and everyone else can worry about everything else and a kickass time will be had by all. Good job! It sounds like she was just ignorant of what is usually involved in hosting rather than going out of her way to screw you. That being said, it would be pretty much unthinkable for someone in my social circle to do what she did. Unless otherwise specified, everyone I know who hosts something actually hosts it, and the rest of us show up with some little thing, unasked. Age also seems to play a big factor in how people throw parties; I know the gatherings I attend and host now have a much more traditional guest-host setup than those I attended when I was in college, for example. ---
**Author:** ![Richie\_Incognito](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e36b37/32.png) [@Richie\_Incognito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richie_Incognito)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/113 "2010-04-16T18:26:43Z")
You’re right. It seems like what has occurred here due to your friends actions, a small 4 person game night has morphed into a medium sized party. And yet you are still stuck with the responsibilities that you volunteered for when it was just a game night. To make things even more frustrating, it seems like your friend is oblivious to what has occurred and the position she has put you in. I would just bring what you want and not worry so much about it. Chances are the hostess doesn’t even remember/care about what you said you were going to bring. ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/114 "2010-04-16T18:26:52Z")
I am glad you got it all worked out. It sounds like you have it set up to have a god time, now. And, hopefully since the issues are ironed out maybe this game night can be a regular thing with each couple providing different games each time and everyone having fun in different ways. I am surprised you do so much communication over text message, though. I can only go by your posts, but it seemed like each text message just led to bad feelings that a phone call might have avoided since questions could be asked, things explained, and tone of voice heard. Also, this is lame: > [@lezlers](#): > > As for the **sven** comments, let’s just drop it, okay? I don’t like her and I let another preachy, condescending post of hers get under my skin. In the future, I’ll just ignore her because it’s really not worth it to me. Let’s drop it. But, not before I get another dig in. Poor form. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/115 "2010-04-16T18:33:01Z")
> [@pricciar](#): > > Let’s drop it. But, not before I get another dig in. Poor form. So you do the same thing? You’re right - that is lame. ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/116 "2010-04-16T18:36:03Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > So you do the same thing? You’re right - that is lame. I never said let’s drop it. I just pointed out that it was lame to tell everyone else to drop it and then put a dig in before you dropped it yourself. I don’t care if anyone stops talking about it. How is what I said similar to what lezlers said? ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/117 "2010-04-16T18:36:59Z")
> [@pricciar](#): > > I never said let’s drop it. I just pointed out that it was lame to tell everyone else to drop it and then put a dig in before you dropped it yourself. I don’t care if anyone stops talking about it. > How is what I said similar to what lezlers said? It isn’t at all similar, it’s just your turn to be flogged. Now, take it like a good boy ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/118 "2010-04-16T18:44:54Z")
Should I bring my own cat o’ nine tails? ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/119 "2010-04-16T18:59:42Z")
Only if you bring dessert, wine, games, and enough soda for 8 people. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/120 "2010-04-16T19:56:22Z")
How about a juice box and a leftover pack of airline peanuts? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290.md?page=7)