# Is this "hostess" totally out of line? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 16, 2010, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290 "2010-04-16T02:23:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/121 "2010-04-16T20:28:15Z")
… the friend sees the offer of her house as what she’s bringing to the game night. When it is at your house you can make the same demands for food and wine. If she bawks remind her what you did when it was at her place. If she hems and haws about it tell her you’d rather not do the game night at all if it is going to be an issue. Only feel oligated to invite this other couple if you like them and would want to hang out with them again regardless. ETA- didn’t see this was already 3 pages and pretty much resolved. ---
**Author:** ![Pazu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pazu/32/15522_2.png) [@Pazu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pazu)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/122 "2010-04-16T22:55:02Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > You can interpret her actions how you want and get as righteous and **indigent** as you like… How expensive a wine is the OP expected to provide here? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![drpepper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8baadc/32.png) [@drpepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drpepper)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/123 "2010-04-16T23:09:04Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > Spare me the condescending life lessons. We clearly have differing opinions on most things; your way of thinking and living are no better than mine or anyone elses. I’m really starting to get tired of you breezing into threads and dismissively telling people how they should react to things and how immature and childish everyones feelings are. Just because someone reacts to something differently than you would doesn’t mean their reaction is “silly” or in any way inferior to what yours would be in that situation. You’re still a college kid, right? Get over yourself. > . Good Christ. You start a thread entitled, “Is this “hostess” totally out of line?” and when someone offers their opinion you give this snark back? I don’t think **sven** ’s “life lessons” are condescending at all. I admire the things she’s done with her life and I think her way of approaching things is interesting and unique. I don’t always agree with her, but I always enjoy hearing from her. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/124 "2010-04-16T23:26:19Z")
Lil late to the party, there, **pepper**. We’ve already beat that horse into the ground. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/125 "2010-04-16T23:36:33Z")
Wait, so we’re _not_ going to lynch **sven**? Damn it. I brought my good rope, too. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/126 "2010-04-17T00:15:06Z")
Wait a minute, did the host actually ask you to bring **the** wine (as in, the wine for everyone) or to bring **some** wine? Have you actually confirmed with her that you’re providing wine for everyone? Maybe all the other couples are bringing wine as well. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/127 "2010-04-17T00:36:33Z")
Cancel. This person is SO clueless, she probably cheats at games. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/128 "2010-04-17T01:15:57Z")
Bringing over a board game or two hardly counts for “providing entertainment.” You’ll keep your games when the evening’s through, and the real entertainment in a game night isn’t what’s in the boxes, it’s in the group of people (assuming they’re fun people–if not, there’s no entertainment going on at all, no matter how many games are on hand). So I give you no points for agreeing to “bring games,” though it does seem odd for anyone to suggest “game night” in the first place without having any games on hand. As for the rest, of course she’s being presumptuous and rude. Probably the best tack for you to have taken was to _act_ like you assumed she was not. (“Sure, we can bring wine instead of dessert.”) That is, _force_ her to explain, in effect, that she’s being presumptuous. That sometimes causes the presumer to realize what they’re doing, apologize, and reconfigure their plans. If it doesn’t do that, it _does_ give you the opportunity to exclaim your surprise, and then politely withdraw your participation. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/129 "2010-04-17T01:28:03Z")
> [@Not\_a\_Platypus](#): > > The other two that have hosted wouldn’t even cook. My boyfriend and I (the freakin’ GUESTS) end up in their kitchens making food, instead of relaxing. What was the point of them hosting if the guests do the work? My boyfriend doesn’t care, since he enjoys cooking, but it really chaps my ass when that happens. So your boyfriend was in the kitchen because _he wanted to be_. How did you end up there? FWIW, a lot of people I know consider cooking together to be every bit as much fun as eating together (in fact, the former enhances the latter). They would probably be shocked speechless if somebody came into the kitchen to help (as friends naturally do, from their point of view) and then later griped about their chapped ass. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/130 "2010-04-17T02:33:06Z")
About **even sven** , I think most people are more likely to post in a thread where they have something contrary to say rather than just agreeing with the OP. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/131 "2010-04-17T04:31:19Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > You asked for other peoples’ opinions, didn’t you? I didn’t see anything out of line with lezler’s response. It was other people that took it to more of a pitting. Lez just wants **even sven** to be slightly less condescending in her responses. One should not belittle someone else’s feelings, no matter how wrong you think they are. Anyways, I agree that this lady is a moocher, but, I also know that moochers often don’t realize they’re mooching. Canceling is not going to change anything. And this passive aggressive crap would just make you look bad. The only proper response is one without malice. Don’t get me wrong: I’d want to respond the same way. And I even might. But I would still feel that I was wrong. The fact that she did something wrong doesn’t change that. As for how you respond: You’ve already talked to her, which is good. Hopefully you’ve already worked out an equitable solution, so you can actually have fun. If not, though, I do think the same proper etiquette that you want her to adhere to would say that you should keep your commitments. Dropping out to get back at her would be far more rude than any comment made in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Not\_a\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Not\_a\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_a_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/132 "2010-04-17T04:40:20Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > So your boyfriend was in the kitchen because _he wanted to be_. How did you end up there? > > FWIW, a lot of people I know consider cooking together to be every bit as much fun as eating together (in fact, the former enhances the latter). They would probably be shocked speechless if somebody came into the kitchen to help (as friends naturally do, from their point of view) and then later griped about their chapped ass. I was in there part of the time because he asked for help. I also don’t have an issue with guests volunteering to **help** the hosts prepare things, which is a far cry from the hosts hanging out in the living room while their guests are preparing all of the food for everyone. The alternative being that nobody eats anything until they leave. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/133 "2010-04-17T05:20:33Z")
I’m glad to hear things were worked out. I just wanted to bring up a point for people saying that it was \*\*Lezlers’ \*\* responsibility to say no; some people or situations have a way of sneaking up on you, like the frog in the pot of boiling water. One thing was fine; two things were mostly okay; three things were, well, okay, I guess, then four things were, come on, are you serious? By the time you get pissed off for her asking four things, you start resenting the first three that you hadn’t previously resented because all of a sudden it’s too much, and you might feel like you’re in too far to back out now. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/134 "2010-04-17T05:42:34Z")
> [@Not\_a\_Platypus](#): > > I also don’t have an issue with guests volunteering to **help** the hosts prepare things, which is a far cry from the hosts hanging out in the living room while their guests are preparing all of the food for everyone. Huh. Well, I agree… though I can’t quite imagine how anybody could end up preparing food in somebody else’s kitchen, without the kitchen owner’s participation at some point. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/135 "2010-04-17T05:57:02Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I didn’t see anything out of line with lezler’s response. It was other people that took it to more of a pitting. Lez just wants **even sven** to be slightly less condescending in her responses. One should not belittle someone else’s feelings, no matter how wrong you think they are. I think if you’ll reread post #16 you’d be hard pressed to find a condescending tone in her comment. It seemed to me she disagreed yet offered another point of view as well as solutions. Unless people have some previous gripe with her, I can’t imagine how what \*\*even sven \*\*said could get anyone hostile. ---
**Author:** ![Not\_a\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Not\_a\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_a_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/136 "2010-04-17T06:02:50Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > Huh. > > Well, I agree… though I can’t quite imagine how anybody could end up preparing food in somebody else’s kitchen, without the kitchen owner’s participation at some point. 😕 The extent of their participation was owning some basic ingredients. To be clear, I absolutely did not make a scene at any of the gatherings where this happened. After talking to my SO about it afterwards, this is really the only time I’ve brought it up. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/137 "2010-04-17T06:05:31Z")
> [@Not\_a\_Platypus](#): > > The extent of their participation was owning some basic ingredients. To be clear, I absolutely did not make a scene at any of the gatherings where this happened. After talking to my SO about it afterwards, this is really the only time I’ve brought it up. Okay. I wasn’t criticizing you there, just wondering what kind of people these were that you’re dealing with. Would you have described these as “friends”? ---
**Author:** ![Not\_a\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Not\_a\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_a_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/138 "2010-04-17T06:11:33Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > Okay. I wasn’t criticizing you there, just wondering what kind of people these were that you’re dealing with. > > Would you have described these as “friends”? Casual friends, yeah. We don’t seem them much as one guy just lives too far to see frequently (and if we cook for him it’s usually a pre-arranged plan), and the couple is usually too flaky to make plans with. Generally you only make plans with them if you don’t care if people show up on time or at all. I like them, but they’re seriously unreliable. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/139 "2010-04-17T09:38:47Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > Lil late to the party, there, **pepper**. We’ve already beat that horse into the ground. Are you saying you possess bad rope? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290/140 "2010-04-17T09:48:50Z")
I think you meant to quote me, Autolycus. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-hostess-totally-out-of-line/536290.md?page=8)