# Is this man transphobic? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 10, 2014, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787 "2014-07-10T20:10:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/21 "2014-07-11T01:59:17Z")
IMO Roger clearly doesn’t actually discriminate against transgender persons in a professional environment. He didn’t condemn Shannon, he said he wasn’t interested. I’ve known people who would only date blondes. And only Asian girls. Is a black man a racist because he prefers to date only black women? Edited: So I voted “no.” The question was somewhat cut and dried IMO. The real-life situations I’ve witnessed or been involved in as a transsexual woman are typically much more complicated. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/22 "2014-07-11T02:23:32Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > You should treat people equally in social transactions. And that includes accepting the relationships of other couples. But your own relationships are a matter for your opinion. You’re not obligated to be equally attracted to everyone. > > It’s not homophobic, for example, to be a straight men who is not attracted to other men. It’s not racist if you’re not attracted to people of certain races (maybe even your own). It’s not discriminatory if you’re only attracted to people of a certain height or weight or hair color. And I feel it’s not discriminatory if you’re not attracted to transgendered people. Agreed. Racism, homophobia, sexism and anti-Semitism are contemptible because those who hold such views believe “the other” to be inherently bad, threatening, of lower status or even subhuman. But the heart is a lonely hunter, and you are not a bad person for not being sexually or romantically attracted to a particular subset of humanity, define it as you will. > [@Asympotically\_fat](#): > > She told me I was the only one who she had filed an order against!:mad: :: sheepishly raises hand :: ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/23 "2014-07-11T02:32:05Z")
Mary is allowed to be offended. But Roger is not transphobic. Like Roger, I am all for trans rights. But I’m not interested in dating a trans person. Nothing against them, I’d just rather be single. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/24 "2014-07-11T03:57:25Z")
Yes, Mary has a right to be offended (tho I wouldn’t say she is right to be offended) tho she would be wrong to hold it against Roger. And Roger is not transphobic. But even if he was somewhat, as long as he’s decent to everyone, so what? And I like how the one person who was dogmatic in the affirmative then takes off to avoid any dissent. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/25 "2014-07-11T06:07:16Z")
He might be transphobic, just like anyone might be transphobic (and many people are), but IMO not being open to dating a transperson doesn’t mean that they are. I wouldn’t date one either. If I thought someone was attractive and then found out he was biologically female, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be attracted to him anymore. I would have nothing against him, but I just wouldn’t want to date him. (If I did happen to still find him attractive, then sure…but I think that would be extremely unlikely to happen even if I knew a lot of transmen. So I wouldn’t agree to the blind date just because anything’s possible, just like I don’t buy lotto tickets because anything’s possible). ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/26 "2014-07-11T06:28:04Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I think for the sake of the friendship with Mary, Roger should have agreed to go on the dinner date. What’s the worse that could happen? If there’s no chemistry, there’s no chemistry. At the very least, Roger could say he gave it a fair shot. Exactly. Transphobic? I don’t know. But he’s definitely dickish. It would have cost him nothing to go and not feel a connection and it would have meant the world to Mary and Shannon that he would be willing to see. But their feelings are less important than his vague unease. ---
**Author:** ![Chihuahua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dec6dc/32.png) [@Chihuahua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chihuahua)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/27 "2014-07-11T06:58:02Z")
I don’t understand this debate at all. It’s Roger’s choice who he wants to spend his time with. Whether the woman is transexual or not is irrelevant… if he is not attracted to this person, then there is zero chance that he will ever be happy with her. Whether she is “cute” or not does not factor into the equation. I know many “cute” or physically attractive people who have other traits that make them undesireable. For Roger to say he is not interested in a male who has had genital surgery to become female does not mean he is a bigot or a homophobe or a gay-hater or a trans-phobic anything. It means he is not interested in dating men who have had genital surgery to become female. And, frankly, I don’t blame him. It’s his life and he should have the right to choose who he does or does not want to spend it with. ---
**Author:** ![Chihuahua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dec6dc/32.png) [@Chihuahua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chihuahua)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/28 "2014-07-11T07:09:08Z")
> [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > He decided not to date someone based _solely_ on the fact the they are transgender. That’s obviously, unequivocally transphobic. It’s the _definition_ of transphobic. Just as not dating someone based on race is racist. I know it hurts everyone’s feefees but it’s the truth. > > (I did not read any of the other replies, nor will I be returning to this thread) This is insane. By that same logic, if I do not wish to date a male I am homophobic? Because I do not find the idea of inserting my penis in another man’s colon to be erotic. By the same token, I do not find the idea of inserting my penis inside the body of a man who has undergone a vaginoplasty to be erotic. Sorry, it just doesn’t turn me on. This means that I am a bigot? And the only way to not be a bigot is to participate in a sexual event that I find at best unappealing and at worst repellent? Because last I checked, just as a trans-person is in control of their own body I am in control of mine, and I deserve the right to decide what organs or orifices I do or do not enjoy inserting my penis in. ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/29 "2014-07-11T07:19:59Z")
We can’t always control how we feel, but we can control how we act. Roger treats everybody decently, its up to him who he wants to date. My vote would be - he has transphobic attitudes, but I would support his right to make the decision he has, and actually admire his hiring decision and the way he treats people all the more ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/30 "2014-07-11T07:22:45Z")
Mary’s “…your dick’s gone soft?” comment is crass and has demoted her from “friend” to “colleague to whom I am polite during working hours and make no attempt to see otherwise”. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/31 "2014-07-11T07:28:45Z")
Oh, and as to the OP? “Just as you’re entitled to consider yourself whatever gender you wish and not be answerable to me, so I am entitled to be attracted to whomever I wish and not be answerable to you.” ---
**Author:** ![Truman\_Burbank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@Truman\_Burbank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truman_Burbank)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/32 "2014-07-11T07:37:52Z")
I voted no, and I don’t think "phobic’ is really the correct word. Hell, when I was dating, I screened potential dates by their _politics_ as well as other factors. That doesn’t mean I’m \*phobic \*about conservatives, but I wouldn’t want my daughter to marry one…🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Chihuahua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dec6dc/32.png) [@Chihuahua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chihuahua)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/33 "2014-07-11T07:42:26Z")
The entire premise of accepting gays and transgender people, as I understand it, is based on the premise that a person does not choose their sexual orientation nor their gender. Likewise, I should not concern myself with what sexual acts they do or do not enjoy in the privacy of their own home. I should hope they extend the same courtesy to me. The idea that they should be able to dictate to Roger or me or anyone what sexual acts we should / should not enjoy is rank hypocrisy. And I agree with Malacandra. If that is a literal quote from Mary I would rapidly find my way out of that relationship. Not because she is transgender, or because she tried to set me up with a transgender person, or anything else related to that. Rather, she is a bitch who does not respect me or my boundaries and is therefore not worthy of being my friend. Because last I checked, we judge people based on the content of their character and Mary sounds like she does not have much character at all. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/34 "2014-07-11T08:09:52Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > Exactly. Transphobic? I don’t know. But he’s definitely dickish. It would have cost him nothing to go and not feel a connection and it would have meant the world to Mary and Shannon that he would be willing to see. But their feelings are less important than his vague unease. Who says it would have meant the world to them? I’d rather someone not go out with me if they probably won’t end up being interested, than go out with me and then reject me after that, when they actually know me so it’s more personal. Because that’s how I am, that’s how I tend to look at it in the reverse situation. That’s thinking of other people’s feelings just as much as your take on it. ---
**Author:** ![Chihuahua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dec6dc/32.png) [@Chihuahua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chihuahua)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 8:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/35 "2014-07-11T08:53:14Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > Who says it would have meant the world to them? I’d rather someone not go out with me if they probably won’t end up being interested, than go out with me and then reject me after that, when they actually know me so it’s more personal. Because that’s how I am, that’s how I tend to look at it in the reverse situation. That’s thinking of other people’s feelings just as much as your take on it. +1 to this. Unreciprocated love is very hurtful for the lover and can be very uncomfortable for the object of undesired affection. Either way, if he is not interested it hurts less for all involved for him to be honest from the start. ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/36 "2014-07-11T11:08:24Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > But the heart is a lonely hunter, and you are not a bad person for not being sexually or romantically attracted to a particular subset of humanity, define it as you will This, totally. Things can sometimes get a bit complicated – as with Roger finding Shannon’s picture attractive when he imagined her as female lifelong, but ceasing to be interested, on discovering that she was trans-gender – but sexual / romantic attraction is a matter of personal idiosyncracy. It’s not about ethics, or logic or 2 plus 2 invariably making 4. God help us if those in authority (actually so, or self-appointed) get to ordering us about, regarding who we must – or may not – be sexually / romantically attracted to. ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/37 "2014-07-11T11:15:52Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > But the heart is a lonely hunter, and you are not a bad person for not being sexually or romantically attracted to a particular subset of humanity, define it as you will This, totally. Things can sometimes get a bit complicated – as with Roger finding Shannon’s picture attractive when he imagined her as female lifelong, but ceasing to be interested, on discovering that she was trans-gender – but sexual / romantic attraction is a matter of personal idiosyncracy. It’s not about ethics, or logic or 2 plus 2 invariably making 4. God help us if those in authority (actually so, or self-appointed) get to ordering us about, regarding who we must – or may not – be sexually / romantically attracted to. ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/38 "2014-07-11T11:27:29Z")
If Mary was intending not to mention that Shannon was trans unless Roger asked about it, I’d find that somewhat dishonest on _her_ part. Roger may be perfectly OK with transgender people, and Shannon certainly has a right to identify as a woman, but assuming that Mary was hoping to set them up for a lasting relationship, that’s the kind of information that would have to be shared at some point, and it’s better that that sort of thing be shared up front specifically in case attitudes like these are present; better to have it established that Roger wouldn’t be interested in being with a transwoman up front than have him find out about it much later on. That tangent aside, I don’t think he’s being transphobic here, anymore than someone who isn’t interested in dating people of Ethnicity X makes them racist. ---
**Author:** ![Absinthe\_Anecdote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f6c823/32.png) [@Absinthe\_Anecdote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Absinthe_Anecdote)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/39 "2014-07-11T12:44:59Z")
I detect the “traditional values are under assault” narrative in this scenario. No, Roger isn’t wrong for not being attracted to Shannon; his life, his choice. I suspect, if Mary were a real transgender, as opposed to the heterosexual male that wrote this scenario, she would have approached the situation in a manner that didn’t put Roger on the spot. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2014, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787/40 "2014-07-11T13:01:02Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Oh, and as to the OP? “Just as you’re entitled to consider yourself whatever gender you wish and not be answerable to me, so I am entitled to be attracted to whomever I wish and not be answerable to you.” This +1. Roger just needs to say “I belong to the gender of people not attracted to peopleI am not attracted to. Don’t judge me.” And Mary belongs to the gender of “people who are being treated with respect and respond by being assholes”. Regards, Shodan [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-man-transphobic/692787.md?page=3)