# Is this ok? Child-rearing issue \[edited title\] **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 20, 2011, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394 "2011-08-20T01:54:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rustin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/51bf81/32.png) [@Rustin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rustin)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/1 "2011-08-20T01:54:28Z")
I just want to ask the masses a question. Do you think its being a good mother and good wife. To go out clubs in the city we live in and instead of coming home at night to crash at someone place they barely know.? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/2 "2011-08-20T02:06:43Z")
> [@Rustin](#): > > I just want to ask the masses a question. > > Do you think its being a good mother and good wife. To go out clubs in the city we live in and instead of coming home at night to crash at someone place they barely know.? To be honest? Your question is so maddeningly vague and bereft of details that it makes me want to give you the opposite answer of the one you’re clearly seeking, just to be ornery. Only, I CAN’T EVEN FIGURE OUT WHAT ANSWER YOU’RE SEEKING! I’ll go out on a limb, though, and say, yes, it’s being a great mother and wife. Just to be ornery. If you want to provide more details, maybe I can give a better answer. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/3 "2011-08-20T02:11:18Z")
Hmmm…I’m not too sure…I think I could go either way on this one. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/4 "2011-08-20T02:12:42Z")
Probably not. ---
**Author:** ![Rustin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/51bf81/32.png) [@Rustin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rustin)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/5 "2011-08-20T02:13:44Z")
I do not provide all the info because I want I don’t want to cloud it with my thought process ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/6 "2011-08-20T02:17:26Z")
Ah, the George W. Bush decision making technique! ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/7 "2011-08-20T02:25:33Z")
No, good mothers and wives do not go clubs in the city we live in and instead of coming home at night to crash at someone place they barely know. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/8 "2011-08-20T02:26:24Z")
> [@njtt](#): > > Ah, the George W. Bush decision making technique! Ah, the Barack H. Obama decision making technique. Jesus T. Christ, are you people that goddamn obsessed??? A topic that has nothing to do with politics, and you somehow manage to bring Bush in to it? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/9 "2011-08-20T02:26:29Z")
> [@Rustin](#): > > I do not provide all the info because I want I don’t want to cloud it with my thought process Too bad. Norma is a stay-at-home mom. Her husband is an emotionally abusive workaholic who constantly belittles her. Finally she’s had enough: she goes out one night, meets a distant acquaintance (who recently went through her own shitty divorce and who is looking to help out her friend) at a club, and spends the night, as part of an initial plan to get a separation from her asshole husband. She plans to take the kids once she has a place of her own. Good mother? Yes. Good wife? Well, she’s not a bad wife, since the husband already burnt that bridge. Alice works hard all the time. She gets up with the toddler more often than her husband, since her husband works early mornings. When her husband is on vacation, she says, “Hey, mind if I go out with my girlfriends tonight?” He says sure, he’ll watch the toddler. Around midnight she calls and says, “I’m sorry, but I had too much to drink and don’t feel good driving. Do you mind if I stay the night at Heather’s house? I’ll come home to help y’all in the morning.” Husband says, “No problem, and I got breakfast, you sleep in and take care of yourself.” Good mother? Looks fine to me. Good wife? She called, she checked in so husband wouldn’t worry about her, she apologized for the minor inconvenience: sounds fine to me. I can imagine that happening in my marriage without any ill will. Magenta goes out boozing every night, leaving the kids at home. She never tells her husband where she is. She crashes at a new boyfriend’s house every evening. Also she poops in the geraniums. Good mother? No. Good wife? No. Go ahead and pollute us with details. We still may not agree with you, but at least we’ll know what you’re talking about. ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/10 "2011-08-20T02:36:54Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Too bad. > > MASSIVE SNIP > > Magenta goes out boozing every night, leaving the kids at home. She never tells her husband where she is. She crashes at a new boyfriend’s house every evening. Also she poops in the geraniums. Good mother? No. Good wife? No. I can so totally see Magenta from Rocky Horror magically becoming a wife and mother, boozing it all up and crapping in the flower-beds. In fact, I think that might be the best mental image I’ve had all night. You are an awesome person. As far as the OP goes, there’s no way to tell from your interestingly-composed query. I will however suggest two things for your consideration. 1. Did she act like this (ie, go out drinking, clubbing, and staying the night at random people’s houses) BEFORE you married her? How about before she had a kid? If so, what on earth made you think that a wedding ring, a ceremony, or a kid would necessarily change her preferred lifestyle? 2. Is anything in her life at present giving her any reasons to WANT to stay out all night drinking and not coming home? Do you, perhaps, cause her physical or emotional distress? Does the house look like a midden? Does she have a horrible job, or perhaps would prefer a job and cannot get one? Does your child get called a spawn of Satan by random passers-by? Could she perhaps have depression or anxiety or another mental disorder (temporary or not) which would cause her to behave erratically? If so, then perhaps you could try doing something about those causal factors, and then possibly she would like staying at home more than carousing with strangers. ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/11 "2011-08-20T03:46:04Z")
> [@blondebear](#): > > No, good mothers and wives do not go clubs in the city we live in and instead of coming home at night to crash at someone place they barely know. Yes, good mothers and wives DO go clubs in the city we live in and instead of coming home at night to crash at someone place they barely know. Do we need to take this to Great Debates? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/12 "2011-08-20T03:49:23Z")
I feel that the OP is not telling us the whole story. But I also think that in general it’s better for a parent to spend time with their children rather than staying out on their own. My advice is that it doesn’t matter what other people think. If the OP has a problem in his family, he needs to be talking to his wife about it. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/13 "2011-08-20T03:50:36Z")
> [@](#): > > Do you think its being a good mother and good wife. To go out clubs in the city we live in and instead of coming home at night to crash at someone place they barely know.? What if I live in a different city from the OP? That’ll cloud the SHIT out of her thought processes. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/14 "2011-08-20T03:57:55Z")
OK ill bite. There are many aspects to being a good mother. Sleeping at a strangers home when married is a bad decision. And I don’t even mean to imply said parties had sex. ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/15 "2011-08-20T04:00:27Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Magenta goes out boozing every night, leaving the kids at home. She never tells her husband where she is. She crashes at a new boyfriend’s house every evening. Also she poops in the geraniums. Good mother? No. Good wife? No. Possibly a good gardener, though. ---
**Author:** ![Waxwinged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c2a13f/32.png) [@Waxwinged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waxwinged)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/16 "2011-08-20T04:03:05Z")
> [@Rustin](#): > > I just want to ask the masses a question. > > Do you think its being a good mother and good wife. To go out clubs in the city we live in and instead of coming home at night to crash at someone place they barely know.? Haven’t the foggiest. Does she do it often? ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/17 "2011-08-20T04:58:26Z")
Not enough info really to answer the question. It really all depends… How often does it happen? Is the person she barely knows a friend of a friend or someone she met that night? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/18 "2011-08-20T05:02:03Z")
No, it’s not ok. That’s the actual answer. Don’t let this place bully you with their usual sophism and asinine hypotheticals. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/19 "2011-08-20T05:16:13Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > Not enough info really to answer the question. It really all depends… > > How often does it happen? > > Is the person she barely knows a friend of a friend or someone she met that night? All of this. If it happened just one time, it doesn’t, all by itself, make somebody a bad mother or a bad wife. If it happens more than once or there are other details we don’t know about… no, it’s probably not okay. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2011, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394/20 "2011-08-20T05:25:30Z")
If the person whose house she is crashing at is male, perhaps she knows him better than you think she does. In which case it’s probably not ok, but doesn’t make her a bad mother. Obviously this could go one of two ways. Either you are over-reacting to a situation, and she has decided you are being irrational and obtuse, or your wife has made some bad choices and isn’t being honest with you, and has gotten defensive. But OUR thinking is clouded because we don’t have enough details. Can’t see why YOUR thought processes come into play in laying out facts when you have asked for an opinion. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-ok-child-rearing-issue-edited-title/593394.md?page=2)