# Is this selfish? (involving caring for an elderly parent) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 27, 2011, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-selfish-involving-caring-for-an-elderly-parent/604258 "2011-11-27T18:35:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 3\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![medstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f07891/32.png) [@medstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/medstar)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-selfish-involving-caring-for-an-elderly-parent/604258/21 "2011-11-30T20:01:11Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > Your mother is living with an anachronistic view point that one of her children MUST take care of Her and Your Father because _it is what is done_ and she probably did the bulk of care for her parents, I’m guessing. > > Guilt and shame are two of the greatest family values that are handed down from generation to generation. > I told my mom when I was a teen that I would not care for her like she cared for her parents ( a very co-dependent life, and I didn’t know what co-dependency was until I was in my 30’s, but I had a front row seat in how parents give their parents free rent in their head. She is still fucked up and they’ve been dead for 25 years. It is very sad. She only listens to Male Advice because Men are always right. > My mom is 85. I am the only one left out of 5 kids and I took her to Leisure Acres near by. she liked it, it is clean and all she has too to is pick out her clothes and a few pieces of furniture and my Sainted Husband and I will do the rest. > > She’s had two months to just do what I asked and she hasn’t done that. It’s too hard for her. I understand that, but her wishy washiness is maddening and getting worse. _She worries about her fucking goddamn crystal_. You can take your goddamn crystal, but you have to pick out your clothes because 85 years of clothing in 5 closets will not fit in the two closets you are moving into. I cannot talk to her for five minutes without wanting to shout and she doesn’t listen to me and never has. > > She’s missed two units and a chance to move in before Thanksgiving and she doesn’t want to move in the winter. Jesus Christ, it isn’t like she is going to be carrying anything but her purse. Ideally, if we could ship her somewhere for two weeks while offloading her house and possessions and when she comes back she in her new place, it would be perfect. Oh and I’ve had plenty of offers for help with the move, but no one knows how to help with getting her to 'that point ’ of the move. She is that much of a pain in the ass in such a nice old lady way. > > What I fear is once she moves into Leisure Acres is she will live forever and outlive her very pathetic income. > > I’ve given explicit instructions to my children to blow my fucking head off. > Getting old sucks. Shirley, is there any way you could grab the bull by the horns and pick out the clothing yourself? Maybe you could talk to her doctor who could have a “come to Jesus meeting” with your mother and impress upon her the importance of moving on this issue? She might be dithering around just to show you that she’s still your mother and you can’t tell her what to do. Or, do what my parents did, which is wait for my grandmother to break her hip. They then packed her clothing, some furniture and moved it into a unit that just opened up at a facility they picked out. When the time came for her discharge from the hospital, the ambulance drove to the facility and my mom and dad wheeled her into her new home. Sure, she was pissed but there was nothing she could do about it. I know it was quite abrupt, but sometimes ya just gotta do what ya gotta do. ---
**Author:** ![medstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f07891/32.png) [@medstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/medstar)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-selfish-involving-caring-for-an-elderly-parent/604258/22 "2011-11-30T20:07:18Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > My parents visited me yesterday. They seemed pleased with my new digs and new neighborhood. Later, my mother and I were talking while my father napped. I asked if she would want to ever live me, if it ever came to her needing to live with someone. She said no. I would have to move down _there_ and care for her because she wasn’t giving up her house and backyard swimming pool and church and friends. When I said I didn’t think this was quite fair (seems to me the caregiver should get to choose where they live), she said I was being selfish. > > I have no doubt this is a dilemma faced by many adult children and their parents all the time. On one hand, no one wants to think about leaving frail, elderly parents to their own devices hundreds of miles away. But on the other, no one really wants to put their loved ones in a home–and our society puts a big guilt trip on you if you choose to do so. And yet on ANOTHER hand, no one wants to give up all the things and people they know in life, just because a certain page has turned in their life. Especially if you think you’re quite capable of caring for yourself. My maternal grandmother has been living by herself for centuries, in a little pre-fab house in Gary, IN surrounded by crack dens on both sides. I’m sure my mother worries constantly, but she can’t make the old lady move and the old lady doesn’t want help anyway. So for now, until things become really bad, the status quo is being maintained. > > But what is an adult child to do? If they’re really worried, I suppose they WOULD suck it up and move down to take care of their parent. But is it right for the parent to automatically expect this to happen? Would it be selfish if the adult child decided to be just as stubborn as the parent and not move? Or to tell the parent, “The choice is either come up here or you’re moving into a home”? > > Hopefully this isn’t a dilemma I have to face anytime soon. But my mother’s expectation that I should gladly give up my life to take care of her has got me thinking. A couple of years ago, when my parents were living on the top floor of a garden apartment with sixteen steps to their condo, my mom would ask me what I’d do if an emergency happened, how fast I could get to them from work. Now, in the D.C. metro area, the traffic is very heavy and if you take public transportation like I do, it could very well be a couple of hours before I could get to them. I relayed this to my mom, who then sighed and gave me the “bad daughter” glare when I told her that I would not be rushing home, that she or my dad would have to contact emergency services and I’d get to them when I could. My other siblings more or less said the same thing; albeit much more diplomatically than I did. Now. my parents live in a retirement complex about 45 minutes away from their former home and they really like it there. I like it a lot to because there’s no way I’d surrender my life to wait on them hand and foot. ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2011, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-selfish-involving-caring-for-an-elderly-parent/604258/23 "2011-11-30T20:23:39Z")
I have gained a whole new appreciation for my folks, who have just signed up for a unit in a retirement village - with a ten year waiting list. They reckon they may need some help by then, but aren’t required to move if they don’t want to. They like being prepared. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-selfish-involving-caring-for-an-elderly-parent/604258.md?page=1)