# Is this the expected level of follow through for OKCupid? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 1, 2013, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557 "2013-04-01T18:27:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Red\_Barchetta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/da6949/32.png) [@Red\_Barchetta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Red_Barchetta)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/61 "2013-04-05T05:22:09Z")
So I’ve generally been afraid of the whole moving to the phone thing, versus just meeting in person. I’d say so far it’s worked out, in the sense that if I get to the point I’d ask for a number, I just go for the in-person meet. Unfortunately, that is to say I’ve had one date in the last year, so clearly I’m not very good at this. At any rate, my question is how exactly have y’all been moving it to the phone were I to start? For some reason, I find asking for a number to be a huge physiological barrier without having a physical meeting already set up (this might also explain why I’m a relative failure at dating). ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 10:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/62 "2013-04-05T10:04:59Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Also, another (usually) automatic no for me is the sexual poses, even if they’re not intentional. A finger in your mouth. Laying in your bed with ‘that look’ in your eye. You’re not fully clothed (ie in your underwear). But, more often then not, the people doing that tend to be pretty trashy looking to begin with and it probably would have been a ‘no from me’ anyways. Yes on all your picture complaints! Ran across a great add the other day. This lady was one serious Christian that had no trouble letting you know she was one and you most certainly weren’t getting any. Hobbies- Christian. Interests-Christian. Occupation-Christian. Ways to Relax- Be a Christian. Goals-Stay a Christian. The ad read like she wouldn’t even give it up for Jesus. However ALL the pics were basically “I wanna fuck you now” poses, often with the bonus of having sexy and or minimal clothes on. WTF? Thats the kind of crazy you don’t even want to point your dick in the general direction of. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/63 "2013-04-05T10:40:01Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > It’s hard to write a message when there’s nothing in the profile to hang anything on. All you need to do is run it through Dating Profile Babelfish: _I’m a caring woman who loves to live life to the fullest._ “My life stresses me out with constant activity, and I feel sorry for myself even though I’m the source of most of the chaos. But I don’t allow any down-time because thinking only makes me depressed.” _My passions are travel, family, and enjoying a glass of wine while I snuggle on the couch._ “You’re job as my boyfriend will be to take me nice places or watch drek on TV with me while I get drunk, but I can always use my kids as excuse when you want to do anything.” - I like my job but I can find time to relax, and I’m just as comfortable in jeans as I am in heels!\* “If I don’t feel like making myself attractive, that’s your TS. But if I feel like glamming it up, you’re paying out the long green that night, buddy (hey I paid for these shoes, so I’m only being fair here) _I’m not into drama or mind games._ “I’m into drama and games, so long as it follows my script and my rulebook.” ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/64 "2013-04-05T11:58:34Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > For me it’s mostly what they say. Pictures can be a little tricky and I certainly don’t reject that many on looks, but a huge percentage of profiles (this applies to all dating sites) offer absolutely no insight into the nature of the person. Their profiles read like Forer Effect tricks: > > “I’m a caring woman who loves to live life to the fullest. My passions are travel, family, and enjoying a glass of wine while I snuggle on the couch. I like my job but I can find time to relax, and I’m just as comfortable in jeans as I am in heels! I’m not into drama or mind games.” > > It’s hard to write a message when there’s nothing in the profile to hang anything on. I’ll do you one better “I’m kind of skeptical about this whole online dating thing. I’m really just looking for someone who shares the same interests as me.” Great. Mind listing a few of them. I can understand if the profile is brand new. But if you’re online every day for a year, it’s time to add to it. Sometimes I think that maybe I can email them about their interests, but then I’d feel bad if their interests have nothing to do with mine. Part of them problem is that they get bombarded with emails regardless of what their profile says. A few months ago my aunt set up an OKC profile. I was standing right next to her when she did it. Literally 15 seconds after she had a user name and password she already had an email. from a guy. No profile, no picture, nothing. Just a username. It was an email from a guy that must have been constantly hitting the “Who’s New” button. The funny thing is, I’d bet that most women right him off right away for pulling that stunt. If he waited at least until they had a picture and a few sentences up, maybe they’d be a little bit flattered (before they get 200 more identical messages from all the other guys). ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/65 "2013-04-05T13:52:54Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > The thing that bugs me is when all your pictures are with groups of friends and I can’t tell you apart. Or you only have one picture and it’s of two people that are similar looking. Completely agree. If you have 10 pictures, I’m not going to spend a half hour playing a game of “find the one person common to all of them”. Remember: I don’t know what you look like. Also, this one is kind of shallow but it’s true - if you have pictures with friends, make sure your friends aren’t considerably more attractive than you. The last thing you want is for someone to get to the next picture and be disappointed because they thought you were the other one. > [@Red\_Barchetta](#): > > At any rate, my question is how exactly have y’all been moving it to the phone were I to start? For some reason, I find asking for a number to be a huge physiological barrier without having a physical meeting already set up (this might also explain why I’m a relative failure at dating). I’ve found it useful to not ask for their number, but after a couple of messages back and forth, give them _your_ number “in case you’d rather text than message here.” It seems to work. You chat a little through text messages before then suggesting that you meet up. One girl told me that she was used to guys always asking for her number and was pleasantly surprised when I gave mine because it showed her that she could make the decision on when/how the contact worked. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/66 "2013-04-05T14:06:31Z")
> [@interface2x](#): > > Also, this one is kind of shallow but it’s true - if you have pictures with friends, make sure your friends aren’t considerably more attractive than you. The last thing you want is for someone to get to the next picture and be disappointed because they thought you were the other one. I’ve thought the same thing before. “Wow, she’s got nice hair/eyes/boobs…oh, wait, she’s the other one” or “If I went out with her, her friends would really be a distraction” But that’s all part of the whole online dating thing. When you have nothing to go on but a few pictures and a couple of sentences it’s hard not to be shallow. IRL, if you met her (however you might meet her) and got to know her, by the time you met her best friend, you probably wouldn’t notice that her best friend had really nice hair or Katy Perry’s eyes. But, again, girls are going to get a ton of messages regardless of what they do, so does it really matter if I/we like it? ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/67 "2013-04-05T14:22:45Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > But, again, girls are going to get a ton of messages regardless of what they do, so does it really matter if I/we like it? Well, if the women want to meet men that are actually attracted/interested in them for some aspect of them other than nice tits or whatever then yes it would behoove them to actually put some useful info into their bio. I remembered two more odd dating site things. Ones where pretty much ALL the form info is filled out with “I’ll tell you later”. Maybe all those women are in the witness protection program or something. And there sure are a whole bunch of women on [match.com](http://match.com) that are “occasional” smokers. Haven’t meet many of those in real life. ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Tonya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/4491bb/32.png) [@Queen\_Tonya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Tonya)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/68 "2013-04-05T14:49:12Z")
I met my husband on OKCupid seven years ago. We messaged back and forth for weeks before trying to meet up in real life. Then we kept messaging and phoning for another few weeks as we tried to work out our conflicting schedules. Been happily married now for three years, just saying that ‘must meet IRL immediately or move on!’ isn’t the only way to go. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/69 "2013-04-05T15:23:37Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > All you need to do is run it through Dating Profile Babelfish: > > _I’m a caring woman who loves to live life to the fullest._ > > “My life stresses me out with constant activity, and I feel sorry for myself even though I’m the source of most of the chaos. But I don’t allow any down-time because thinking only makes me depressed.” > > _My passions are travel, family, and enjoying a glass of wine while I snuggle on the couch._ > > “You’re job as my boyfriend will be to take me nice places or watch drek on TV with me while I get drunk, but I can always use my kids as excuse when you want to do anything.” > > - I like my job but I can find time to relax, and I’m just as comfortable in jeans as I am in heels!\* > > “If I don’t feel like making myself attractive, that’s your TS. But if I feel like glamming it up, you’re paying out the long green that night, buddy (hey I paid for these shoes, so I’m only being fair here) > > _I’m not into drama or mind games._ > > “I’m into drama and games, so long as it follows my script and my rulebook.” [I referred to my self as ‘smart’ or ‘educated’ somewhere in my profile] _I didn’t go to college_ I don’t know what the deal is with that one, but nearly every time someone says “I’m a smart 29 year old woman looking to date a …” or “I’m smart, witty and enjoy x, y and z” they’ve almost always got either ‘high school’ or ‘some college’ listed for their education. I can only assume that people who finished college just let that little stat speak for itself, people who didn’t feel the need to play up that they’re smart. IMO, they’d be better off proofreading their profile then trying to tell me how smart they actually are. Oh, and for the love of all that’s holy, the Earth is not larger then the Sun. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/70 "2013-04-05T16:03:45Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Well, if the women want to meet men that are actually attracted/interested in them for some aspect of them other than nice tits or whatever then yes it would behoove them to actually put some useful info into their bio. It doesn’t make a difference. Seriously. I like to think I’ve got a fairly informative profile that gives the masses info about myself without being overwhelming in content. I’ve even gone so far as to delete pictures with even a hint of cleavage and only put up overwhelmingly modest ones (even though that’s not my personality _at all_)-- you still gets tons of messages about how hot you are and how much guys want to screw you.\* Or you get shit[like this](http://25.media.tumblr.com/6bc815070a621fcc5f71d7f3ec31e7b6/tumblr_mkndmghqwZ1s22q2do1_1280.jpg). [Or this.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/d37a883c95ace2a1ca749313fc2611dd/tumblr_mju0po9szp1s22q2do1_1280.jpg) [Or this, too.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/b4eea180d96624788287cd7e5c8eff51/tumblr_mju0eu7vcW1s22q2do1_1280.jpg) Or there’s always something [like this](http://25.media.tumblr.com/0cfae2abe6fe8f6947f8c783823f9473/tumblr_mjn00f7SOF1s22q2do1_1280.jpg). Or weird shit [like this](http://25.media.tumblr.com/f1802ec6f98f7fd43dcec601091d4134/tumblr_mjmzmszCFa1s22q2do1_1280.jpg). Or polite requests[like this](http://25.media.tumblr.com/49676e494e416185f35cb44612013ee4/tumblr_mjflpp3NHM1s22q2do1_1280.jpg). I could go on. \*(FWIW: I put the regular pictures back up after I realized that not a lick of difference was made). ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/71 "2013-04-05T16:17:10Z")
> [@treis](#): > > I could see that, but basically every conversation has gone: > > Her/Me: Random bullshit > Me: You seem cool, do you want to meet in person? > Her: Sure, after work next week? > Me: Ok, Mon or Wed is best for me. > > Then nothing. > > I don’t think any of these conversations went beyond 3 messages before me asking them out. I’ve been on OKC for a while. I’ve found that the progression should go from email to talking on phone, then to meeting in person. Yes, there are people who flake out, for whatever reason (number of reasons). A good phone conversation tends to move it to another phase, and decrease the likeliness of a no-show. Or of course it could convince one or both of you that there’s no fit, and thereby save the time/expense that would be wasted by meeting. I’m not saying it’s impossible to meet someone after a couple of texts, but once you’ve had a good phone conversation, both of you have more of a “vested interest.” ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/72 "2013-04-05T16:25:57Z")
The humor forum over at Plenty of Fish are swarming with posters who came for the dating possibilites, got burned & burnt-out, but stayed for the snark; inlcuding the [POFictionary](http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14691007.aspx) ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/73 "2013-04-05T16:29:36Z")
> [@fjs1fs](#): > > I’ve been on OKC for a while. I’ve found that the progression should go from email to talking on phone, then to meeting in person. Yes, there are people who flake out, for whatever reason (number of reasons). A good phone conversation tends to move it to another phase, and decrease the likeliness of a no-show. Or of course it could convince one or both of you that there’s no fit, and thereby save the time/expense that would be wasted by meeting. > > I’m not saying it’s impossible to meet someone after a couple of texts, but once you’ve had a good phone conversation, both of you have more of a “vested interest.” I like to go straight from emails to meeting in person. No phone, no texts. IMHO (which is obviously contradictory to yours) each step (email, texts, call) brings a new level of nervousness and another chance for each person to change their mind and back out. If you go right to meeting in person, the nervous thing really only happens once. And all at once you get to hear their voice, see what they really look like etc… Once we settle on a date, I’ll send them my phone number in case we need to get a hold of each other that day and I’ll usually send a “Are we still on for tonight” email/text that day, but, I like to go from emails to IRL meeting as quickly as possible with as few steps as possible. It just seems easier to get it over with. Having said that, if _she_ suggests moving to texts or a phone call, I will, but I’ve yet to meet someone that did that. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/74 "2013-04-05T16:36:29Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > The humor forum over at Plenty of Fish are swarming with posters who came for the dating possibilites, got burned & burnt-out, but stayed for the snark; inlcuding the [POFictionary](http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14691007.aspx) I just saw this one ““My taste in music is eclectic” = I don’t have any taste in music” and it reminded me of how often I’ve seen something along the lines of “I love all kinds of music, anything from Mariah Carrey to Maroon 5 to Miranda Lambert to Bruno Mars” Um, no, you don’t love all kids of music, you love pop music. I’ll bet if I turned on your car right now, the local KIIS/Top40 station would be on. ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/75 "2013-04-05T16:57:25Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > I like to go straight from emails to meeting in person. No phone, no texts. IMHO (which is obviously contradictory to yours) each step (email, texts, call) brings a new level of nervousness and another chance for each person to change their mind and back out. If you go right to meeting in person, the nervous thing really only happens once. And all at once you get to hear their voice, see what they really look like etc… Once we settle on a date, I’ll send them my phone number in case we need to get a hold of each other that day and I’ll usually send a “Are we still on for tonight” email/text that day, but, I like to go from emails to IRL meeting as quickly as possible with as few steps as possible. It just seems easier to get it over with. > > Having said that, if _she_ suggests moving to texts or a phone call, I will, but I’ve yet to meet someone that did that. Interesting, because about 80% of the women I’ve had contact with wanted to talk on the phone. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/76 "2013-04-05T18:03:07Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > It doesn’t make a difference. Seriously. I like to think I’ve got a fairly informative profile that gives the masses info about myself without being overwhelming in content. I’ve even gone so far as to delete pictures with even a hint of cleavage and only put up overwhelmingly modest ones (even though that’s not my personality _at all_)-- you still gets tons of messages about how hot you are and how much guys want to screw you.\* Uhhh, that wasn’t my point. I sure tons of guys with dicks are contacting you (they/them). But if you (they) don’t put in some actual info about likes and interests you will still get tons of dicks contacting you but you might miss those handful of guys that probably wouldn’t contact you (because they are NOT clueless dicks) “just because” but WOULD contact you because they too are avid collectors of Third Reich underwear. So, put up some random information free ad up and get tons of random clueless dick responses. Or put ad with actual personal info in it and get tons of random clueless dick responses AND a few more that also share you secret passion about Hitler’s underwear. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/77 "2013-04-07T23:10:58Z")
It’s not the lack of any response that is annoying. It’s when you’ve already had a decently long conversation and you just stop responding with no warning. It’s the equivalent of just walking away from someone while they are still talking to you. But it’s extremely common not just on dating sites, but on the Internet in general. Even a fictitious reason for having to leave is preferable in my book. I just like to say goodbye. I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/78 "2013-04-09T21:30:04Z")
I had a profile on POF that listed a variety of my interests, including reading fiction and American history, training and competing on my horses, hiking, going to the coast, cooking, old movies, wine tasting, and car shows. In the first week that profile was up I got 15 messages from guys who were into old cars, hot rods, or customizing cars and trucks. Not one of them gave a damn about reading, American history, cooking, old movies or wine tasting. Not one of them asked a question about my work (I’m a senior paralegal with a very unusual job) or what kind of competition I do with my horses. One suggested that we go to the weekend auto parts swap-meet for our first date. Another invited me over to his shop to see the old car he was working on. Pass times two. A week ago, I deleted those two words – car shows – from my profile, which otherwise is full of information and humor and current, presentable photos. Haven’t had a single message since. I’m thinking now that I’d be better off to get a dog. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/79 "2013-04-09T22:14:56Z")
What kind of competition do you do with your horses? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557/80 "2013-04-09T22:45:47Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > What kind of competition do you do with your horses? Get a room!!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-expected-level-of-follow-through-for-okcupid/654557.md?page=5)