# Is this the most intellectual joke in the world? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 24, 2002, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894 "2002-03-24T21:07:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Parallax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@Parallax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Parallax)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/241 "2003-02-14T23:35:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Yllaria \* > \*\*Not to pick an old nit, but it isn’t that: > > \<\ > The optimist says the glass is half full. > > The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.\>\> > > Trust me. The engineer is pleased that the glass was designed with a safety factor of 2. \*\* I say that the glass is completely full - half of it contains air and the other half contains whatever liquid in question. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/242 "2003-02-15T00:44:48Z")
Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber? A. You can’t cross a vector with a scalar. ---
**Author:** ![Race\_Bannon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Race\_Bannon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Race_Bannon)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/243 "2003-02-15T02:01:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MaxTheVool \* > \*\*Integral z-squared dz > from 1 to the square root of 3 > times the cosine > of three pi over 9 > equals log of the cube root of ‘e’. > > \*\* You must mean “from 1 to the **cube** root of 3”. And if some of you don’t like “zed”, try “t squared dt”. ---
**Author:** ![broccoli](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a183cd/32.png) [@broccoli](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/broccoli)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/244 "2003-02-15T06:40:13Z")
Greatest Intellectual Prank ever: “Did you know that gullible isn’t in the dictionary?” ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/245 "2003-02-15T12:38:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by edwino \* > \*\*A truly sick medical joke. > > Q: What’s the difference between Sloan Kettering and Shea Stadium? > > A: The mets always win at Sloan Kettering. \*\* I’ve lost four very close relatives at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. My mom has been going there for years and has survived breast and ovarian cancer thanks to the doctors there. Last year, the doctors at Sloan found cancer in her nose and had to remove most of it. Even after the reconstructive surgery, she has a permanent scar running from the top of her forehead to the base of her nose. I wonder if she would find this funny? I certainly don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Neur0mancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/57b2e6/32.png) [@Neur0mancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neur0mancer)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2003, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/246 "2003-02-17T20:42:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dave3L \* > \*\*Three friends from med school meet at their 10 year reunion and decide to go duck hunting the next morning. > > \\*\* A slightly different version: An internist, a surgeon, a psychiatrist, and a pathologist go duck hunting. They are sitting in the blind, waiting. The internist looks up. “Look,” he says, “I think there’s a duck up there… yes, it’s a red-tailed mallard. Very unusual to see this species in this latitude this time of year, though technically that species is properly subdivided into blah blah blah blah…” By the time he’s done talking, the duck has flown away. The psychiatrist looks up. “I think there’s a duck up there!” he exclaims. He closes his eyes, points his shotgun up and starts randomly blasting volleys into the air. Needless to say, he doesn’t hit anything. The surgeon looks up, grunts, raises his gun, and fires. A bird comes tumbling down. “Hey,” he says, turning to the pathologist, “go see if that was a duck.” ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2003, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/247 "2003-02-17T21:33:58Z")
How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The conditions for lighting are already there. ---
**Author:** ![Lorenzo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4da419/32.png) [@Lorenzo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lorenzo)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2003, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/248 "2003-02-17T22:02:18Z")
1. Three auto mechanics and a software engineer take a ride in a car that unexpectedly stops in traffic and won’t start. First mechanic: No spark. Nothing we can do about it without any parts or tools. Second mechanic. No, there’s no fuel. Maybe someone with a gas can will stop. Third mechanic. No, there’s no air. Check the hoses. Software engineer: How 'bout we all just all get out of the car and get back in? 1. Q: Why is a bird? A: Because a vest has no sleeves. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/249 "2003-02-18T03:54:30Z")
When teaching classes at Fire School, I like to ask new trainees: “What is in water that extinguishes fires?” After hearing the expected responses of cooling capacity, breakup of the fire tetrahedron, oxygen removal and so forth, I give them the answer. “Fireboats” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kilt-wearin\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/82dd89/32.png) [@Kilt-wearin\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilt-wearin_man)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2003, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/250 "2003-02-18T19:01:57Z")
A new hospital opens in Inverness, and Tony Blair tours it not long after the first patients are admitted. As he strolls down a ward, in the company of the head physician, he decides to chat with the patients. “So,” the Prime Minister asks, “How are you feeling?” The patient fixes Mr Blair with a penetrating stare and decalres “Scots wha’ hae wi’ Wallace bled, Scots wham Bruce hath aften led, Lie now in thy gory bed, Or on to victorie!” “Yes,” the Prime Minister says, somewhat startled, “I see. Carry on, chap!” Moving on to the next bed, Mr Blair says “I say, how are you feeling?” The patient looks up and replies “My love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June. My love is like a melody that’s sweetly played in tune…” The Prime Minister turns to the Head Physician and says “What is this - the mental ward?” “No sir,” the Doctor replies…“Serious Burns Unit!” ---
**Author:** ![RedDawgEsq](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedDawgEsq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedDawgEsq)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2003, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/251 "2003-02-28T05:11:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by elmwood \* > \*\*This one gets the planners rolling over, but results in nary a snort among laypeople. > > \*In a mid-size, mid-American city, with a mid-size planning department was a zoning administrator who held his post for over 30 years. He had a peculiar morning routine upon his arrival at the office; he would always sit down at his desk, the stealthily look around the office to see if anyone was looking (he never noticed, that the whole office did notice this everyday), then, unlock his top center desk drawer, quickly glance at a 3"x5" card, quickly put the card back in the drawer, and proceed with his daily tasks. This morning ritual had gone on for as long as anyone in the office could remember. > > One day, unfortunately, the zoning czar dies. The whole office attends his funeral, three days later, in the morning. Afterward, they all go out to lunch together. Upon returning to the office, the staff is all standing by his old desk, reminiscing about him and his career, when suddenly, they all thought the same thing simultaneously! One planner said to another, “You get a screwdriver. I’ll get a hammer.” So, they proceed to break into the guy’s desk, pull out the 3"x5" card, and then read it aloud to the group: “YELLOW - Residential, RED - Commercial, BLUE - Manufacturing . . . .”\* \*\* Same joke, different casts/punchlines: (Funnier, IMHO) Accountant/“Red ink - debit, black ink - credit” Sea Captain/Port - left, Starboard - right ---
**Author:** ![jflig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/958977/32.png) [@jflig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jflig)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/252 "2019-03-12T15:17:07Z")
The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?” ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/253 "2019-03-12T15:38:48Z")
Sixteen years. Helluva bump, not to mention a first post and, tbh, not that intellectual a joke. Welcome to the SDMB but do try harder. Here is some more erudite fare: Q. What’s an anagram of Banach-Tarski? A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski. * * * Are Calvinist priests pre-ordained? * * * A music theorist walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a gin and dominant, please.” The bartender asks, “What’s a gin and dominant?” “It’s like a gin and tonic but you add a whole fifth.” ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/254 "2019-03-12T16:53:21Z")
One that I started a thread with, several years back: Q: How do you ruin _King Kong_ for a Cognitive Psychologist? A: Have him count the number of times the basketball is passed. If you’re not laughing discreetly in intellectual appreciation: [spoiler] [http://www.theinvisiblegorilla.com/gorilla\_experiment.html](http://www.theinvisiblegorilla.com/gorilla_experiment.html) > **[The Invisible Gorilla](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Invisible_Gorilla)** > > The Invisible Gorilla is a book published in 2010, co-authored by Christopher Chabris and Daniel Simons. This title of this book refers to an earlier research project by Chabris and Simons revealing that people who are focused on one thing can easily overlook something else. To demonstrate this effect they created a video where students pass a basketball between themselves. Viewers asked to count the number of times the players with the white shirts pass the ball often fail to notice a person in ... [But Did You See the Gorilla? The Problem With Inattentional Blindness | Science| Smithsonian Magazine](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/but-did-you-see-the-gorilla-the-problem-with-inattentional-blindness-17339778/) [/spoiler] My earlier thread – [How do you ruin King Kong for a cognitive psychologist? - Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS) - Straight Dope Message Board](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=681972) ---
**Author:** ![Jet\_Jaguar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jet_jaguar/32/3562_2.png) [@Jet\_Jaguar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jet_Jaguar)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/255 "2019-03-12T18:27:16Z")
Two guys walk into a bar. The bartender asks them “What will it be?” The first guy says “I’ll have a tall glass of H[sub]2[/sub]O.” The second guy says “That sounds good, I’ll have H[sub]2[/sub]O too.” The second guy died. Q: Do you know any good jokes about sodium? A: Na. I would tell more chemistry jokes, but all the good ones argon. ---
**Author:** ![Novelty\_Bobble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Novelty\_Bobble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novelty_Bobble)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/256 "2019-03-12T18:53:20Z")
One from the Hitch Why was the Amish girl disowned by her family? Too Mennonite. Or (attribution unknown) Mrs. Schroedinger: “Erwin, what the hell have you done to the cat? it looks half dead” ---
**Author:** ![gdave](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gdave/32/3683_2.png) [@gdave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gdave)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/257 "2019-03-12T19:43:36Z")
Q: How many poli-sci profs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to argue it should be turned to the right, one to argue it should be turned to the left, and one to get the grad student to do the actual work. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/258 "2019-03-12T23:37:12Z")
How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2 Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks the first one if they all want beer. He answers: “I don’t know”. The bartender asks the second if they all want beer. He answers: “I don’t know”. The bartender asks the third if they all want beer. He answers: “Yes”. ---
**Author:** ![peccavi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peccavi/32/388_2.png) [@peccavi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peccavi)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2019, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/259 "2019-03-12T23:50:42Z")
Einstein and Heisenberg are traveling to a conference in Heidelberg. Einstein is driving and Heisenberg is in the passenger seat with a map, navigating. Einstein remarks “we are traveling west at 83.1 km/hr” Heisenberg: “Dammit, now we’re lost!” ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2019, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/260 "2019-03-13T00:04:39Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > 2 > > . . . . Yeah, 2. But don’t ask me how they get in there. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894.md?page=14)