# Is this the most intellectual joke in the world? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 24, 2002, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894 "2002-03-24T21:07:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![coffeecat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coffeecat/32/3405_2.png) [@coffeecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coffeecat)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/21 "2002-03-25T12:00:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Smart Ask Mother For Car \* > > \*\*What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? > > “Make me one with everything.” > > 😃 \*\* And the monk gets his hot dog and gives the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor just puts it in his pocket, so the monk says, “Hey, where’s my change?” The hot dog vendor says, “Change comes from within.” ---
**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/22 "2002-03-25T12:02:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Smart Ask Mother For Car \* > \*\*What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? > > “Make me one with everything.” > > 😃 \*\* The monk gives the vendor a hundred dollar bill, and the vendor pockets it. The monk asks for his change, and the vendor says… “Change comes from within.” [sub]Heh, heh, heh…[/sub] Ditto **jjimm** (the post on top of mine). ---
**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/23 "2002-03-25T12:12:25Z")
Whoa, my very first simulpost! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/24 "2002-03-25T12:14:54Z")
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? A: To get to the same side! ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/25 "2002-03-25T12:20:46Z")
> [@](#): > > In the manner of Pygmaliontwo professors entered into a bet whereby the first professor was to take two prostitutes and give them a classic education. Things went fine at first, the women did well in astronomy, being already acquainted with the night sky, and were familar with Latin due to many encounters with priests. But, to the surprise of both professors, the women enjoyed philosophy most of all, and took to it like ducks to water. > > After a few weeks, the second professor went to his friend’s house to concede defeat–the prositutes were even learning Greek! But, when he arrived at his friend’s house, the study where the women had been learning was in shambles, the professor was halfway through his second gin and tonic and the women were gone. > > “Dear God, what happened?” he asked. > > “I have no idea,” replied his friend. " We had just turned to the study of the early French philosphers, and the women got quite irrational, and then stormed out. What could have gone wrong?" > > Wait for it . . . . > > “It’s very simple, everyone knows you can’t put Descartes before the whores.” No, no, no! The moral is: “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think!” ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/26 "2002-03-25T12:44:21Z")
Just imagine, for a moment, if there were no hypothetical situations… ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/27 "2002-03-25T13:07:53Z")
> [@](#): > > Rene Descartes walks into a bar, orders a beer, and drinks it at a gulp. > > “Would you like another?” asks the bartender. > > Descartes consideres the question. “I think not,” he says, and disappears. That’s one of my favourite jokes. But when I tell it, very few people get it. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/28 "2002-03-25T13:17:22Z")
I’ve always liked: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing. You can’t cross a scalar and a vector. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/29 "2002-03-25T14:08:27Z")
What if this wasn’t a rhetorical question? ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/30 "2002-03-25T14:26:17Z")
Costello: So the Peasants had a Revolt in 1380? What was the name of their leader? Abbott:Yes. Costello: The Leader of the Peasant’s REvolt of 1380. What was the name of the guy in charge? Abbott: Yes, that’s right. Costello: All I’m tryin’ to find out is what’s his name! Abbott: Yes, it is! Costello: The Peasant in England. They had a Revolt, in 1380? Abbott: Yes Costello: They had a leader? Abbott: Yes, they did. Costello: What was his name? Abbott: Yes! Costello: All I’m tryin’ to find out is Who ran the Revolt! Abbott: Oh, no, no no. Wat was his name. Costello: What was the name of the guy running the Revolt? Abbott: Yes. Costello: His name was WHat? Abbott: Yes, it was. Costello (looks at camera knowingly): Hmm Hmmmm! So Yes was the name of the guy running the Peasants revolt! Abbott: Wat was his name! Costello: What was his name? Abbott: Yes! Costello: So Yes was the name of the guy running the Revolt! Abbott: No! ---
**Author:** ![Schnitte](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/schnitte/32/9033_2.png) [@Schnitte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Schnitte)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/31 "2002-03-25T14:32:13Z")
Not truly intellectual, but at least biblical. Jesus is walking through Jerusalem, when an angry crowd pulling a young woman passes by. Jesus asks: “What are you gonna do with her?” The crowd: “She’s a sinner! We’ll stone her!” Jesus: “Ah, then wait a moment. You know how it goes; let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Bang - a stone hits him in the neck. Jesus turns around and shouts, “Sometimes, you’re just plain silly, mother.” ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/32 "2002-03-25T15:33:51Z")
Two atoms are walking down the street when they bump into each other. One atom seems fine, but the other atom is obviously shaken up. “Are you all right?” asks the one atom solicitously. “No!” cries the other atom, looking about frantically. “I’ve lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “I’m positive!” ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/33 "2002-03-25T15:49:36Z")
Grrrr! That should be Peasant’s Revolt of 138 **1** , dammit! I should know. I wrote a play about this, once. Pedant’s Revolt, indeed! ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/34 "2002-03-25T16:02:33Z")
Two cats slide down a roof. Which hits the ground first? A: The one with the smallest [sym]m[/sym]. Then of course there is the dyslexic agnostic insominac joke. And the one about a pony confusing x- and y-coordinates with the punchline “Can’t put Descartes before the horse”. Ho hum. So why did the architect have his housemaid backwards? Ah. That one doesn’t really work if written down, does it? pan ---
**Author:** ![mrblue92](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@mrblue92](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrblue92)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/35 "2002-03-25T19:11:29Z")
Nietzsche and Einstein walk into a casino and find God at the craps table… ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/36 "2002-03-25T19:43:33Z")
What do you call the ranting of a primate when he doesn’t like the quality of his dessert? An organutan merengue harangue. ---
**Author:** ![Toaster52](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/50afbb/32.png) [@Toaster52](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toaster52)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/37 "2002-03-25T20:34:57Z")
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two… One to change the bulb, and one not to change the bulb. ---
**Author:** ![panamajack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/47e85d/32.png) [@panamajack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panamajack)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/38 "2002-03-25T21:05:32Z")
An excellent collection of light bulb jokes that cover philosophy as well as a lot of Biblical research jokes can be found here : [http://www.webcom.com/~ctt/comic.html](http://www.webcom.com/~ctt/comic.html) (the philosophical ones are further down) My favorite from there : How many monists does it take to change a light bulb? Don’t be silly, there’s only ONE monist … Also from the same humor page : ## Causes of Death for some of the great philosophers… (From Jan94, “From the Editor”, Ethics Thales:Drowning Parmenides: It wasn’t anything at all Ockham: Cut while shaving Russell: Cut while being shaved by one who did not shave himself Descartes: Stopped thinking Spinoza: Substance abuse Leibniz: Monadnucleosis Darwin: Natural causes Hume: Unnatural causes Kant: Transcendental causes (although it was his own idea) Paley: By design Heidegger: By Dasein Meinong: Climbing accident Neurath: Boating accident G.E. Moore: By his own hand, obviously Sheffer: Stroke Sartre: Nausea Pascal: Became despondent after losing a wager Wittgenstein: Tried to see if death was an experience one lived through. (Alternate: fell off a ladder) Hegel: Collision with owl at dusk They also have a long ‘Teleology of Chicken and Road’ list of responses, e.g. from B.F. Skinner: “Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.” And my favorite ‘obscure knowledge’ joke, especially since it’s so long and in a subject I studied in detail (it’s of a mathematical nature), can be found in my post in this thread [Ghastly Puns, pg. 3](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=14049&perpage=50&pagenumber=3) ---
**Author:** ![DPWhite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d26b3c/32.png) [@DPWhite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPWhite)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/39 "2002-03-25T21:19:56Z")
Johnny’s gone forever He’s gone forever more What he thought Was H20 Was H2SO4 ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2002, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/40 "2002-03-25T21:38:55Z")
Two guys walk into a bar, which is pretty funny considering the second guy had already seen the first one do it. Ooops, wrong thread. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894.md?page=3)