# Is this the most intellectual joke in the world? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 24, 2002, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894 "2002-03-24T21:07:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Palve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a698b9/32.png) [@Palve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palve)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/81 "2002-03-27T12:41:53Z")
Here’s a bad pun I thought up last night: How is Congress like an invalid line in a computer program? Ready for this one?.. “All argument and no function.” _groan_ ---
**Author:** ![kferr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/71e660/32.png) [@kferr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kferr)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/82 "2002-03-27T13:26:00Z")
Another UK-centric one - Q: What did the slug say to the snail? A: Big Issue sir? ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/83 "2002-03-27T18:27:34Z")
Or as Eddie Izzard said: “Why are all these homeless people obsessed with bigger shoes?” ---
**Author:** ![ramesh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d07c76/32.png) [@ramesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ramesh)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/84 "2002-03-27T21:43:49Z")
This one happened in one of the departmental seminars. A biomed prof was giving a talk about some microscopic creature that spins clockwise. Someone asked “Why not anti-clockwise?” Without hesitating the prof replied “Thats in the southern hemisphere”. The profs here (jhu) are a hoot!!! ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2002, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/85 "2002-03-27T23:54:55Z")
A sociologist was walking down the street when he came across a woman who was lying in a ditch, groaning, and bleeding from a knife wound. The woman says, “A man stabbed me and stole my purse!” The sociologist proclaimed, “I must find the man who did this. He needs help!” :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![ThePyroWeasel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/54ee81/32.png) [@ThePyroWeasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThePyroWeasel)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2002, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/86 "2002-03-28T04:21:40Z")
Q: What do you use to tie up a pig? A: Twine. ---
**Author:** ![Banger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@Banger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Banger)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/87 "2002-03-29T19:11:26Z")
Even after reading the explanation of the OP joke, it still doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t understand what switching “what” with “which” has to do with pedantry. ---
**Author:** ![Forums\_Terrorist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/db5fbb/32.png) [@Forums\_Terrorist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Forums_Terrorist)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/88 "2002-03-29T20:29:17Z")
Here’s a personal favorite…elementary, but amusing. Mrs. Schrödinger walks up to her husband. “Erwin,” she asks, “what have you done to the cat? It looks half dead!” ---
**Author:** ![Netbrian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71e660/32.png) [@Netbrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Netbrian)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/89 "2002-03-29T21:18:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bdgr \* > \*\*Chistmas and Halloween are the same day, because dec 25 = oct 31 > > Real programers dont use compilers, they just use: copy con program.exe \*\* I got the first one, and liked it a lot, but could someone please explain the second one? ---
**Author:** ![Netbrian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71e660/32.png) [@Netbrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Netbrian)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/90 "2002-03-29T21:23:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bdgr \* > \*\*Chistmas and Halloween are the same day, because dec 25 = oct 31 > > Real programers dont use compilers, they just use: copy con program.exe \*\* I got the first one, and liked it a lot, but could someone please explain the second one? ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/91 "2002-03-29T21:48:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by elmwood \* > \*\*This one gets the planners rolling over, but results in nary a snort among laypeople. > > \*In a mid-size, mid-American city, with a mid-size planning department was a zoning administrator who held his post for over 30 years. He had a peculiar morning routine upon his arrival at the office; he would always sit down at his desk, the stealthily look around the office to see if anyone was looking (he never noticed, that the whole office did notice this everyday), then, unlock his top center desk drawer, quickly glance at a 3"x5" card, quickly put the card back in the drawer, and proceed with his daily tasks. This morning ritual had gone on for as long as anyone in the office could remember. > > One day, unfortunately, the zoning czar dies. The whole office attends his funeral, three days later, in the morning. Afterward, they all go out to lunch together. Upon returning to the office, the staff is all standing by his old desk, reminiscing about him and his career, when suddenly, they all thought the same thing simultaneously! One planner said to another, “You get a screwdriver. I’ll get a hammer.” So, they proceed to break into the guy’s desk, pull out the 3"x5" card, and then read it aloud to the group: “YELLOW - Residential, RED - Commercial, BLUE - Manufacturing . . . .”\* \*\* Do you suppose Tom Ridge knows this one?😃 Oh, not intellectual, but funny…maybe: Q:What’s the difference between a group of pygmy hunters and a women’s track team? A: The former is a group of cunning runts. “Hello, I must be gooing.” --Groucho Marx ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/92 "2002-03-29T22:24:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Schnitte \* > \*\*Not truly intellectual, but at least biblical. > > Jesus is walking through Jerusalem, when an angry crowd pulling a young woman passes by. Jesus asks: “What are you gonna do with her?” > The crowd: “She’s a sinner! We’ll stone her!” > Jesus: “Ah, then wait a moment. You know how it goes; let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” > Bang - a stone hits him in the neck. > Jesus turns around and shouts, “Sometimes, you’re just plain silly, mother.” \*\* The first one I got…except the punchline I heard was, “Mom, you’re a bitch.” ---
**Author:** ![Marvel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marvel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marvel)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/93 "2002-03-29T22:26:01Z")
Q: What do you call an exotic dancer who can go down on herself? A: A mobius stripper! [ducks and runs] Patty ---
**Author:** ![Marvel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marvel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marvel)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/94 "2002-03-29T22:29:05Z")
That should be a moEbius stripper. Please excuse my spelling. ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/95 "2002-03-29T22:52:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Netbrian \* > I got the first one, and liked it a lot, but could someone please explain the second one? Using the MS-DOS copy utility, you would type “copy foo.txt filename.txt” to copy the file foo.txt to the file filename.txt. If, however, you typed “copy con filename.txt”, then your input would be the CON(sole), and whatever you typed would be written directly to the file. Since the joke is using “copy con program.exe”, the programmer is writing compiled code rather than just code, which is inhuman and practically impossible. …if that makes sense… ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2002, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/96 "2002-03-29T22:57:43Z")
In line with the mathematician jokes above, here’s an oldie but a goodie. So the dairy farmer wants to see if he can increase milk production. To that end, he consults an architect, a psychologist, and a mathematician. The architect says, “Your barn is inefficiently designed, with lots of wasted space. If I redraw the floor plan like so, you can put twice as many cows in the same building, and double milk output.” The psychologist says, “Your cows are not producing at their optimal level because they’re unhappy. If we put in windows, and paint the walls this other color, they’ll find their surroundings more pleasant, and will produce more.” The mathematician says, “Okay, assume the cow is a sphere…” ---
**Author:** ![bdgr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a87d85/32.png) [@bdgr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bdgr)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2002, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/97 "2002-03-30T00:15:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Netbrian \* > \*\* > > I got the first one, and liked it a lot, but could someone please explain the second one? \*\* Well… Open up a dos windows, type in copy con test.txt and hit enter then type a bunch of stuff, and hit ctrl z You will then find a new file called test.txt containing whatever you typed. It copies from the console(your keyboard) to the filename you give it. ctrl z tells it when to stop. Think about how hard it would be to write machine code this way… ---
**Author:** ![Jabba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b5e925/32.png) [@Jabba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jabba)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2002, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/98 "2002-03-30T01:03:05Z")
A Roman centurion walks into a bar. Centurion: I’ll have a Martinus, please. Barman: You mean Martini? Centurion: If I’d wanted a double I’d have asked for one. ---
**Author:** ![Daylate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9dc877/32.png) [@Daylate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daylate)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2002, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/99 "2002-03-30T02:08:40Z")
Another Biblical/Centurion one. A Roman centurion goes up to Jesus and says (roughly translated from the Latin, of course), “OK buddy, drop that cross one more time and yer outta the parade!” One-liners are best. ---
**Author:** ![SpectBrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a87d85/32.png) [@SpectBrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpectBrain)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2002, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894/100 "2002-03-30T02:16:49Z")
…and the only unix joke that I know… A programmer arrives late for a meeting. She says, “I’m sorry I’m late, but I was grepping my apartment for my keys.” Than someone replies, “Why didn’t you use fgrep, it’s faster.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-the-most-intellectual-joke-in-the-world/99894.md?page=6)