# Is this too stalkerish? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 2, 2003, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023 "2003-11-02T20:17:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![stylize](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@stylize](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stylize)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/1 "2003-11-02T20:17:13Z")
Long story short: I had a massive crush on this girl at my work. It goes beyond a crush but that’s another thing. I never spoke to her because a) I wasn’t in her department and b) I would be too embarassed to say anything. She is gorgeous and whenever I comtemplate saying something to her, all I can think is how she could get anybody that she wants so why would she even talk to me. Truth is, of course she’d speak to me but I’m too fucked-up-in-the-head for her that I can only think of the worst that would happen. Anyways, a few weeks ago, I noticed that she wasn’t at work for a few days and I just thought that she was on vacation or something but now her desk is empty. And all of her stuff is gone. Now I am officially obsessed with her. I was before but now it seems worse because I can’t even see her at work. I did what anybody crazy in love with somebody he has never spoken to would do - I looked her up on the internet. I found her phone number. If I called her and asked her out (or just talked to her), would it be too freaky? I think I need to do it for my own peace of mind but I don’t want to do it if it will traumatize her. And if your advice is to “Get over her” - I tried and I can’t. Obviously or else I wouldn’t be so pathetic to have looked her up. ---
**Author:** ![Darkhold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@Darkhold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darkhold)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/2 "2003-11-02T20:23:05Z")
Hmmm I’d say if you can’t deal with it any other way call her up (say you got her number from someone at work, or out of the phone book if she asks DO NOT tell her you got it off the net) Be polite friendly and nice. If she says no just give her your number if she changes her mind and don’t ever call or contact her again. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/3 "2003-11-02T20:23:50Z")
Did you ever talk to her before? About anything? If not, forget about it. Even if you did, it just sounds a little creepy. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Lsura](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Lsura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lsura)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/4 "2003-11-02T20:23:59Z")
Honestly? I think it would really bother me, particularly if the call came from some random guy at a place I used to work who I’d never even spoken to. But that’s just my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![kniz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c37758/32.png) [@kniz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kniz)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/5 "2003-11-02T20:25:28Z")
Tell her you are sorry you didn’t get to know each other before she left. Whatever. I don’t see a real downside, since you haven’t got anything to lose. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/6 "2003-11-02T20:36:21Z")
If you NEVER spoke to her I don’t think phoneing is a good idea. It seems too stalkerish. ---
**Author:** ![stylize](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@stylize](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stylize)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/7 "2003-11-02T20:42:30Z")
I never spoke to her. I handed a new coffee filter to her _once_ and it was basically the best best day in recent memory. The thing is, I know that she has seen me before. And would probably know who I was based on me telling her where I sat (if that matters at all). She might even know my name from my name tag. So it wouldn’t be completely random. Except for the fact that I never actually had a conversation with her. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/8 "2003-11-02T21:26:23Z")
Dude, that’s just creepy. I’m not a girl, but the idea of someone calling and saying, “Hi, I’m that person you never talked to at work, wanna go out?” is weird. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/9 "2003-11-02T21:29:44Z")
Dude, that’s just creepy. I’m not a girl, but the idea of someone calling and saying, “Hi, I’m that person you never talked to at work, wanna go out?” is weird. Saying “I handed you a coffee filter once, remember me?” surpassses weird. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/10 "2003-11-02T21:45:43Z")
**stylize** , I know it would never occur to you to scare this woman, but that’s exactly what you would do if you called her out of the blue. My best advice is to let go of it. Find something else that can occupy your thoughts and promise yourself the next time a woman captures your imagination the same way this one has, do something right then! If you find that you just can’t let go of it, well, between that and your admitted “too fucked up in the head” self-image, it’s time for some counseling. ---
**Author:** ![AbbySthrnAccent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@AbbySthrnAccent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AbbySthrnAccent)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/11 "2003-11-02T21:46:03Z")
Yes. If it happened to me I would think it’s stalkerish and creepy. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/12 "2003-11-02T21:55:38Z")
If you are planning on cutting her up after the first few dates, then no… don’t call. Explain “obsessed”. Are you having a “love at first sight” moment or you want to “sniff her shoes as you masterbate in a tutu” moment? Give some details on this emotion you’ve got for her. To the other posters, it could be a match made in heaven, how can we know? Let the boy call and be polite. Let him try and get a date, life’s too short not to try. If she is creeped out, it ends there. No real harm done, well… maybe to his ego but you get my point. OK, I say call and don’t scare the be-jeesus out of her. And understand if she doesn’t find you charming, if she says no… she means no. Don’t push, don’t violate her sense of personal security by becoming a stalker via the phone or I’ll kick your ass. ---
**Author:** ![bojon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@bojon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bojon)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/13 "2003-11-02T21:56:40Z")
Its called obsessing, go check out some dating sites, or go out to a place where you will meet the woman who will help you forget her. It takes another woman, to get over a woman… ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/14 "2003-11-02T22:16:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by stylize \* > **Now I am officially obsessed with her.** There’s your answer in a nutshell. Any relationship based on obsession is doomed from the outset. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/15 "2003-11-02T22:35:18Z")
Not creepy, exactly, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable going out with someone I had never even spoken with! ---
**Author:** ![Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7cd45c/32.png) [@Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Glory)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/16 "2003-11-02T22:43:15Z")
I honestly don’t see how it could hurt to try. I would start the phone call with something like “Hey, this is stylize, we used to work together at ABC company, I worked in corporate sales (or whatever). I was bummed to hear you got another job, I had been meaning to ask you out for a coffee.” And to repeat some of the previous posters, if she says no, say “Well, best of luck with your new job, here’s my number if you ever change your mind” and then never bother her again. ---
**Author:** ![Burrido](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Burrido](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Burrido)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/17 "2003-11-02T23:26:32Z")
Asked my girlfriend and she replied back “Creepy”. Move on bro, if it was meant to be it would already of happened. ---
**Author:** ![sugaree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@sugaree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugaree)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2003, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/18 "2003-11-02T23:40:39Z")
Did she leave behind any friends, or friendly acquantances? Ask your co-workers, and maybe one would be willing to give her your email addy, or arrange a group trip for Happy Hour. Do not call without an introduction. No way. It’s over then. ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2003, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/19 "2003-11-03T01:20:40Z")
Sugaree has the best advice. Your intentions don’t seem creepy, (well, I don’t _think_ so) but you need an introduction. Be brave–talk to some of her friends and see what they come up with. If you’re too chicken to talk to her friends or coworkers, then forget it. Remember the old saying: A faint heart never won a fair lady. ---
**Author:** ![shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shrew)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2003, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023/20 "2003-11-03T01:41:51Z")
I agree with **Glory’s** advice. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-too-stalkerish/211023.md?page=2)