# Is this unethical? (People with morals needed) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 22, 2004, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-unethical-people-with-morals-needed/270672 "2004-10-22T20:45:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 5\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Mithril](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mithril/32/3517_2.png) [@Mithril](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mithril)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2004, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-unethical-people-with-morals-needed/270672/41 "2004-10-24T12:43:11Z")
While to most of use, it doesn’t seem like there is much wrong with taking the money, when you were at the services it felt wrong to you. It’s much better to go with your gut in cases like this (assuming you actually have a conscience). You did the right thing if you felt like takign the money was the wrong thing. It sounds like you handled the situation admirably, BTW. The kindest thing you can do for the newly bereaved is to listen and not run away from their grief. Good for you. ---
**Author:** ![MrFantsyPants](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ba0ec/32.png) [@MrFantsyPants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrFantsyPants)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2004, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-unethical-people-with-morals-needed/270672/42 "2004-10-24T14:05:33Z")
To all those that said that this should not be accepted under any circumstances, I understand what you are saying. If the widow had said “You did such a wonderful job and I really appreciate it. Can I take you out to lunch?”, would it be acceptable to go? And if gives you the money for the purpose of going out to lunch, is it not disrespectful to the widow to go and give it to some charity? > [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > But honestly, I’m really not a “moral” person. funny, I’ve never gotten this vide from you. (of course the people who do claim to be “moral” rarely are) ---
**Author:** ![MrFantsyPants](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ba0ec/32.png) [@MrFantsyPants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrFantsyPants)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2004, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-unethical-people-with-morals-needed/270672/43 "2004-10-24T14:09:41Z")
> [@MrFantsyPants](#): > > funny, I’ve never gotten this vide from you. (of course the people who do claim to be “moral” rarely are) oops, vide = vibe, in case you couldn’ta figured it. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2004, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-unethical-people-with-morals-needed/270672/44 "2004-10-24T17:12:17Z")
First, exactly what Mithril said: > [@Mithril](#): > > I don’t see anything wrong with it, as long as the recipient of the $20 first tell sthe widow that it’s unneccessary. She might be used to tipping and think that it’s required. > > So more like this (first two quotes are **Standup Karmic’s** , obviously): > > “Ma’am, thank you for the kind gesture, but I am here at the service of our government and I may not accept gratuities.” > > “Please sonny, you did such a fine job.” > > “Thank you, ma’am. I’m very sorry for your loss.” > > Don’t argue with a widow. It’s unseemly. If it makes you feel better, donate the money to a charity, but don’t tell her you will be doing it. Accept the gift in the spirit it was meant. Bear, I also think your desire to perform your duties as correctly as possible ties in entirely correctly with the ceremonial nature of the funeral. I’m sure the mourners felt true appreciation of your concentration, because you thereby honoured their relative. I expect the widow wanted to express her thanks at a time of great emotion and felt it was tricky to do it any other way. I’m sure she benefited enormously from your kind words. Well done that man! P.S. Do you know the scene from the West Wing episode ‘Excelsis Deo?’ Was that ceremony done accurately? ---
**Author:** ![Alan\_Smithee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2acd7d/32.png) [@Alan\_Smithee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alan_Smithee)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2004, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-unethical-people-with-morals-needed/270672/45 "2004-10-24T20:04:39Z")
An excelent point, **glee**. This country is (and always has been, I suspect) so addicted to schmalz that we soemtimes forget the importance of dignity. Doing thigs rightly in the ceremony _because that’s the right way to do them_ actually _is_ how you honor that woman, her husband, and the service he gave. Thinking overly much about _her_ feelings would actually trivialize it by narrowing the focus too much: it’s a **nation** your representing out there, **Bear**! (Once again: Good job!) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-this-unethical-people-with-morals-needed/270672.md?page=2)