# Is touching co-workers OK? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [May 3, 2019, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424 "2019-05-03T15:42:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/1 "2019-05-03T15:42:12Z")
In another thread, someone posted that they had an incident at work where a woman was talking at the end of a meeting, and a man put his hand on her wrist and said essentially ‘we’re out of time, let’s table this discussion until later’. The woman was bothered by the touching and complained to HR, who sent the guy to counseling. The person posting about the incident felt that this was overblown, that the woman should have handled it herself and that HR definitely shouldn’t have done anything about the guy touching unwilling co-workers. I disagreed with that idea, hence the post. I don’t really think that it’s asking for too much to expect employees to abide by elementary-school level conduct rules. “Billy, don’t touch Sally” “But it was just her wrist, why is she such a big baby” is just not a reasonable exchange in a professional environment, and I don’t think Sally has any obligation to take on the task of re-teaching grade school manners to Billy if he hasn’t learned them yet. Also, I think it’s pretty clear that people engaging in such touching understand perfectly well that it is often unwanted and inappropriate - I doubt you’d see that guy touching the CEO’s arm while asking him to cut a meeting short, or patting the wrist of one of the burly guys on the factory floor when talking to him. So, what do people think? Is it unreasonable to expect touchy-McFeely to not touch his female co-workers wrist when talking to her? Is it unreasonable for Sally no-touch to be disturbed or to go to HR? Is it unreasonable for HR to counsel the guy about third grade ‘no touching’ rules he doesn’t get, and in which direction - should they fire him on the spot, or should they tell Sally to shut up and accept his hand on her? ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/2 "2019-05-03T15:46:22Z")
First the wrist, then it’s hooking the arm, then it’s an arm around the shoulders … “No touching” prevents any blurring of the line because the line is quite clear, NO TOUCHING. Now, if somebody bumps into me at work, that’s a horse of a different color. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/3 "2019-05-03T15:46:56Z")
There have been several threads about this. Some people just HAVE to touch others, regardless of any changing societal rules. I don’t understand it, myself. Keep your hands to yourself. It’s not hard. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/4 "2019-05-03T15:47:10Z")
IMHO, he shouldn’t have touched her (on the wrist or anywhere,) but for her to go straight to HR was overreacting and excessive. She could have reprimanded him herself at first. Of course, if he persisted a 2nd time later on, then it’s HR time. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/5 "2019-05-03T15:48:50Z")
I don’t like to be touched. The first time, I tell the person “Don’t touch me. I don’t like it.” The second time, I go to human resources. The last time I checked, my job description did not include being physically touched by anyone. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/6 "2019-05-03T15:55:31Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > There have been several threads about this. Some people just HAVE to touch others, regardless of any changing societal rules. I don’t understand it, myself. Keep your hands to yourself. It’s not hard. +1 ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/7 "2019-05-03T15:57:55Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > I don’t really think that it’s asking for too much to expect employees to abide by elementary-school level conduct rules. I don’t remember Never Touch Anybody Else Ever being a rule from my own elementary school days. I think there might have been situations where kids were specifically directed to hold hands, like when crossing the street or playing Red Rover. I didn’t see the original thread (or any other) where this was already discussed. I don’t think there’s anything at all _inherently_ wrong with that kind of touching. But if the person doesn’t want to be touched, you don’t touch them. Which is why it makes a big difference whether this was a “first offense” with no previous indication that she hated being touched, or not. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/8 "2019-05-03T15:58:55Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > IMHO, he shouldn’t have touched her (on the wrist or anywhere,) but for her to go straight to HR was overreacting and excessive. She could have reprimanded him herself at first. Of course, if he persisted a 2nd time later on, then it’s HR time. You left out a very important part of your tale-In the original this took part in the military, everyone involved were people of various rank, and there is currently a problem with sexual harassment in the military(a humongous 38% jump in sexual harassment reports from 2016 to 2018) that indicates that trying to deal with it as you suggest just isn’t working out. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/9 "2019-05-03T15:59:37Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > IMHO, he shouldn’t have touched her (on the wrist or anywhere,) but for her to go straight to HR was overreacting and excessive. She could have reprimanded him herself at first. Of course, if he persisted a 2nd time later on, then it’s HR time. Perhaps she knew that reprimand would be met with indifference, or even worse, a downplay of the seriousness that she felt it warranted. As demonstrated by the poster in the other thread who brought it up. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/10 "2019-05-03T16:00:34Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > In another thread, someone posted that they had an incident at work where a woman was talking at the end of a meeting, and a man put his hand on her wrist and said essentially ‘we’re out of time, let’s table this discussion until later’. The woman was bothered by the touching and complained to HR, who sent the guy to counseling. The person posting about the incident felt that this was overblown, that the woman should have handled it herself and that HR definitely shouldn’t have done anything about the guy touching unwilling co-workers. I disagreed with that idea, hence the post. > > I don’t really think that it’s asking for too much to expect employees to abide by elementary-school level conduct rules. “Billy, don’t touch Sally” “But it was just her wrist, why is she such a big baby” is just not a reasonable exchange in a professional environment, and I don’t think Sally has any obligation to take on the task of re-teaching grade school manners to Billy if he hasn’t learned them yet. Also, I think it’s pretty clear that people engaging in such touching understand perfectly well that it is often unwanted and inappropriate - I doubt you’d see that guy touching the CEO’s arm while asking him to cut a meeting short, or patting the wrist of one of the burly guys on the factory floor when talking to him. > > So, what do people think? Is it unreasonable to expect touchy-McFeely to not touch his female co-workers wrist when talking to her? Is it unreasonable for Sally no-touch to be disturbed or to go to HR? Is it unreasonable for HR to counsel the guy about third grade ‘no touching’ rules he doesn’t get, and in which direction - should they fire him on the spot, or should they tell Sally to shut up and accept his hand on her? I think different groups and workplaces have different norms about touching and people within those groups can have different feelings from the group norm. I cannot imagine someone touching my wrist and saying we’re out of time at a meeting, but I absolutely see other types of touching all the time . Everything from people hugging when they haven’t seen someone for a long time, to one person throwing their arm around another’s shoulder to fist bumps and handshaking - which after all, involve someone touching another person just as much as a touch on the wrist. Which is not to say that everyone must accept such touching- but it does suggest that touches are not always unwanted and inappropriate. > [@](#): > > So, what do people think? Is it unreasonable to expect touchy-McFeely to not touch his female co-workers wrist when talking to her? Is it unreasonable for Sally no-touch to be disturbed or to go to HR? Is it unreasonable for HR to counsel the guy about third grade ‘no touching’ rules he doesn’t get, and in which direction - should they fire him on the spot, or should they tell Sally to shut up and accept his hand on her? None of the above. HR should tell Billy that Sally doesn’t want to be touched and that he shouldn’t do it in the future . Sally has every right to not want to be touched but it’s unreasonable to expect coworkers to be able to read each individual person’s mind as to what is offensive. Maybe Sally doesn’t want Billy to shake her hand while Jane is offended that Billy shakes Joe’s hand but not hers There are some touches that are likely to be offensive to anyone, but I am not at all sure that a touch on the wrist is one of them. Not to mention Sally doesn’t come off so well running to HR about a touch on the wrist rather than telling Billy not to touch her in the future. According to you , Billy may not have learned the third grade no-touching rules- but it seems by your description that Sally hasn’t learned some third grade rules herself. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/11 "2019-05-03T16:01:20Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Which is why it makes a big difference whether this was a “first offense” with no previous indication that she hated being touched, or not. Just default your personal actions to “Don’t touch” unless you know otherwise. Again, it’s not hard. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/12 "2019-05-03T16:01:29Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > I don’t like to be touched. The first time, I tell the person “Don’t touch me. I don’t like it.” The second time, I go to human resources. > > The last time I checked, my job description did not include being physically touched by anyone. I thought lightly touching a female on the wrist was some sort of control move(I’ve never seen anyone lightly touch a male on the wrist to control what they say, btw)-am I mistaken? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/13 "2019-05-03T16:03:12Z")
I never initiate touching, I just do not like it. I have friends/acquaintances who are very touchy-feely and I can tolerate it. But coworkers? Nope. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/14 "2019-05-03T16:04:16Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > Just default your personal actions to “Don’t touch” unless you know otherwise. Again, it’s not hard. If it is, that’s really wrong. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/15 "2019-05-03T16:05:19Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > You left out a very important part of your tale-In the original this took part in the military, everyone involved were people of various rank, and there is currently a problem with sexual harassment in the military(a humongous 38% jump in sexual harassment reports from 2016 to 2018) that indicates that trying to deal with it as you suggest just isn’t working out. I am confused - I agree that if this was in the military that is a very important part of the story. But Velocity wasn’t the OP of this thread - was the "tale " you refer to in the other thread? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/16 "2019-05-03T16:10:01Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > I am confused - I agree that if this was in the military that is a very important part of the story. But Velocity wasn’t the OP of this thread - was the "tale " you refer to in the other thread? [Yes.](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21622500&postcount=30) It was in a thread I started about the increase in reported sexual harassment in the military. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/17 "2019-05-03T16:10:37Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > I don’t remember Never Touch Anybody Else Ever being a rule from my own elementary school days. I think there might have been situations where kids were specifically directed to hold hands, like when crossing the street or playing Red Rover. > > I didn’t see the original thread (or any other) where this was already discussed. I don’t think there’s anything at all _inherently_ wrong with that kind of touching. But if the person doesn’t want to be touched, you don’t touch them. Which is why it makes a big difference whether this was a “first offense” with no previous indication that she hated being touched, or not. Here is a good thread that covered a lot (can’t believe that was a year and a half ago): [what touching is appropriate?](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=843400&highlight=touching) ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/18 "2019-05-03T16:31:26Z")
I will admit to the occasional light touch on a colleague’s shoulder for emphasis, but only if I know them well enough to be informal. But this… > [@Czarcasm](#): > > I thought lightly touching a female on the wrist was some sort of control move(I’ve never seen anyone lightly touch a male on the wrist to control what they say, btw)-am I mistaken? …in the context given does indeed sound like a control move, and it is usually male on female. I have had female bosses do something similar without actually touching - touching the table in front of me - when they wanted to stop me from rambling on in a meeting (usually with good reason) but actually touching is a no-no. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/19 "2019-05-03T16:31:32Z")
Don’t touch people at work other than handshakes. > [@Pantastic](#): > > In another thread, someone posted that they had an incident at work where a woman was talking at the end of a meeting, and a man put his hand on her wrist and said essentially ‘we’re out of time, let’s table this discussion until later’. While I don’t think this touch was sexual in nature, it was an example of sexual inequality. He put his hand on her wrist and spoke to her that way because she is a woman. It’s a way for him to put her in her place and let her know he doesn’t view her as an equal. He would not have done the same thing to a man. I wouldn’t be surprised if he also did things like tell a woman not to be so emotional in a meeting and stuff like that. Someone needs to talk to him to tell him to knock it off. It might as well be HR who does it. ---
**Author:** ![XT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xt/32/456_2.png) [@XT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XT)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/20 "2019-05-03T16:35:19Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > In another thread, someone posted that they had an incident at work where a woman was talking at the end of a meeting, and a man put his hand on her wrist and said essentially ‘we’re out of time, let’s table this discussion until later’. The woman was bothered by the touching and complained to HR, who sent the guy to counseling. The person posting about the incident felt that this was overblown, that the woman should have handled it herself and that HR definitely shouldn’t have done anything about the guy touching unwilling co-workers. I disagreed with that idea, hence the post. > > I don’t really think that it’s asking for too much to expect employees to abide by elementary-school level conduct rules. “Billy, don’t touch Sally” “But it was just her wrist, why is she such a big baby” is just not a reasonable exchange in a professional environment, and I don’t think Sally has any obligation to take on the task of re-teaching grade school manners to Billy if he hasn’t learned them yet. Also, I think it’s pretty clear that people engaging in such touching understand perfectly well that it is often unwanted and inappropriate - I doubt you’d see that guy touching the CEO’s arm while asking him to cut a meeting short, or patting the wrist of one of the burly guys on the factory floor when talking to him. > > So, what do people think? Is it unreasonable to expect touchy-McFeely to not touch his female co-workers wrist when talking to her? Is it unreasonable for Sally no-touch to be disturbed or to go to HR? Is it unreasonable for HR to counsel the guy about third grade ‘no touching’ rules he doesn’t get, and in which direction - should they fire him on the spot, or should they tell Sally to shut up and accept his hand on her? As a general rule, no…it’s not ok. It can often be misinterpreted, and can lead to an escalations of touching that is inappropriate. Also, not everyone likes to be touched…I don’t, at least not by those who aren’t close to me. I don’t like casual touching, even if it’s not inappropriate. Basically, just say no. Now, if you are talking about close friends of yours at work, where hand shakes or back slaps or even hugs are what you and your friends do…well, that should probably be done outside of the workplace, regardless except maybe in some very special and rare circumstances. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424.md?page=2)