# Is touching co-workers OK? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [May 3, 2019, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424 "2019-05-03T15:42:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/21 "2019-05-03T16:39:17Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > Don’t touch people at work other than handshakes. I honestly don’t want to be shaking peoples’ hands either. I’ll sometimes counter with a fist bump if someone reaches for my hand, and they’ll laugh and reciprocate. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/22 "2019-05-03T16:39:53Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > I thought lightly touching a female on the wrist was some sort of control move(I’ve never seen anyone lightly touch a male on the wrist to control what they say, btw)-am I mistaken? You are not mistaken. > [@filmore](#): > > While I don’t think this touch was sexual in nature, it was an example of sexual inequality. He put his hand on her wrist and spoke to her that way because she is a woman. It’s a way for him to put her in her place and let her know he doesn’t view her as an equal. He would not have done the same thing to a man. I wouldn’t be surprised if he also did things like tell a woman not to be so emotional in a meeting and stuff like that. Someone needs to talk to him to tell him to knock it off. It might as well be HR who does it. Aye. Taking it to HR documents it, and something done so casually prolly isn’t a first-time thing, so it prolly needed to be documented. And the behavior changed and monitored for that change. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/23 "2019-05-03T16:44:42Z")
I don’t consider touching _anyone_ casually to be a meaningless gesture, but that’s just me. Every time I’ve been touched at work (and weeks or months pass between each instance), it comes off as weird, because I’m not in a touching relationship with anyone there. It doesn’t rise to the level of harassment or the like to me, but that may be because I’m a man; in any case I’m pretty sure that whatever message of sociability or companionship they’re trying to convey is not being received as intended. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/24 "2019-05-03T16:56:27Z")
> [@Jasmine](#): > > First the wrist, then it’s hooking the arm, then it’s an arm around the shoulders … > > “No touching” prevents any blurring of the line because the line is quite clear, NO TOUCHING. > > Now, if somebody bumps into me at work, that’s a horse of a different color. Yup. Same with talking. First it’s a “G’mornin.” then it’s “Wanna watch some porn?” No speaking. Oh wait. NO SPEAKING. No blurring of lines. Clear. Only written communication from a distance. I (male) do not touch at work but have been touched. More often it is female doing the touching and it is to communicate a variety of things, from getting my attention, or for emphasis, or just as a friendly (not sexual or flirtatious) gesture. Men touching me is less common but also for all those things. Not touched as a matter of power or of sexuality. Speech can be offensive. Touch can be offensive. Neither is inherently so. Context and intent matters. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/25 "2019-05-03T17:06:41Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I honestly don’t want to be shaking peoples’ hands either. I’ll sometimes counter with a fist bump if someone reaches for my hand, and they’ll laugh and reciprocate. Agree. Hands are nasty. I’m a germaphobe. I’m a no touch/don’t touch me type. I understand, in my head, I won’t die if you touch me. But my heart and psyche says different. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/26 "2019-05-03T17:07:10Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > Just default your personal actions to “Don’t touch” unless you know otherwise. Yes, that’s what I do. But if I’m judging other people for their touching, some touches are much more of a big deal than others. > [@Gyrate](#): > > …in the context given does indeed sound like a control move, and it is usually male on female. Just from the brief description given in the OP of this thread, I could imagine it being that, but I could also imagine it being an example of the kind of neutral touching that could happen regardless of the sex of the two people, and the kind of situation where a light touch on the wrist might be the _least_ intrusive or impolite way of communicating “We really need to wrap this up” (compared to interrupting, or tapping one’s watch, or standing up and leaving while the other person is still talking, or throwing a glass of water in their face, or pulling a fire alarm…) Or I could imagine it being the kind of thing where the toucher and touchee have very different cultural backgrounds that cause them to interpret such things very differently. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/27 "2019-05-03T17:14:08Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > While I don’t think this touch was sexual in nature, it was an example of sexual inequality. He put his hand on her wrist and spoke to her that way because she is a woman. It’s a way for him to put her in her place and let her know he doesn’t view her as an equal. He would not have done the same thing to a man. . How do you know that? You could read his mind? You have never seen a man grabbing another man’s wrist or arm to grab his attention in your life? ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/28 "2019-05-03T17:18:47Z")
I have a bit of difficulty with this sort of subject. I tend to be quite touch avoidant. Heck - even in our family we aren’t really kissy/huggy. I’ve had times in my career when women hugged me (unwelcome, but no big deal), and once when a woman grabbed my hand and started swinging it as we walked down a hall (REALLY weird and uncomfortable - but everyo9ne knew she was REALLY weird!) I am ALMOST 100% in agreement with the no touching rule - BUT, I have a couple of exceptions. In my opinion, not all touching is the same. Big difference between grabbing an ass, vs touching an arm or shoulder. For example - there might be some situations where the most natural action is to gently tap someone on the shoulder to get their attention. I think that is an entirely acceptable human action, and my impression is that the percentage of folk who feel threatened/offended by that is extremely small. If I tap someone on the shoulder once, and they ask me not to do so in the future, that is fine. But I think the contact is sufficiently innocuous that the initial instance ought not give rise to HR involvement. Touching someone on the wrist - I can imagine someone MIGHT interpret it as dominance. But the guy might also think it the most effective way to get someone’s attention - as opposed to saying, “Would you shut the fuck up?” Context matters. I was actually discussing this with a couple of women the other day. VERY rarely at work, I will touch someone - of either sex. This will only occur if it is someone I have reason to believe I am on somewhat friendly and familiar terms with. In such instance, I may touch someone on their upper arm. Have never been called into HR for that. As with the tap on the back, I think that manner/extent of touching ought not be presumed inappropriate. If I am talking with a guy, and he says something I think funny or insightful, I might give him a light knuckle rap on the shoulder. Like guys will do during sports. As I view that interaction, that signifies equality, respect, appreciation, etc. Nothing negative. I’m NOT talking about slapping asses. To the extent women want to be considered equal in the workplace, I think they do themselves a disservice to act as tho every instance of physical contact is actionable. Just my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/29 "2019-05-03T17:20:34Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > How do you know that? You could read his mind? You have never seen a man grabbing another man’s wrist or arm to grab his attention in your life? Are you saying that grabbing another man’s wrist to get a point across would be o.k. in a meeting? Are you saying that a man touching a woman’s wrist to get her to stop talking(again, something I have never seen a man do to another man) isn’t a form of control? ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/30 "2019-05-03T17:25:58Z")
I’ve always thought that a sharp elbow to the kidney was the appropriate way to alert somebody of something. Touching a wrist is just weird - unless you’re checking for a pulse, which wouldn’t seem to be necessary if they’re still talking. ---
**Author:** ![asahi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asahi/32/8693_2.png) [@asahi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asahi)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/31 "2019-05-03T17:27:32Z")
It’s not a good idea, I’ll put it that way. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/32 "2019-05-03T17:27:44Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > I’ve always thought that a sharp elbow to the kidney was the appropriate way to alert somebody of something. Touching a wrist is just weird - unless you’re checking for a pulse, which wouldn’t seem to be necessary if they’re still talking. Have you BEEN to any work meetings? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/33 "2019-05-03T17:32:40Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Yup. Same with talking. First it’s a “G’mornin.” then it’s “Wanna watch some porn?” That was you?! 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/34 "2019-05-03T17:35:18Z")
There are times in my life where, to get someone’s attention, where speech is not adequate, I have touched them, lightly. No one has ever complained, and I would be offended if they did. But there’s a level of discourse that is appropriate and which is not. I was watching a guy leaning on the wall close to my video tripod during a meeting the other day. He kept shifting his feet, and when one foot got within 2 inches of the tripod, I tapped him on the arm and asked him to move away and not bump the tripod. I consider this to be entirely appropriate, even though he was a stranger. He was potentially invading my space. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/35 "2019-05-03T17:38:20Z")
There’s no objective answer to the OP question. Whether someone can, or even should, touch someone else, where, how, why, on which part of the body and in which circumstances is entirely dictated by arbitrary cultural norms. Our society’s cultural norms are switching towards the idea that any kind of not clearly wished for physical contact is akin to an assault. This would be an extreme view wrt contact between people of the same sex, not so extreme or unusual wrt contact between people of opposite sex. At this point, you can’t know whether a person will feel justified in considering an unwanted touch as unacceptable in any setting or in a specific setting, and whether or not this perception will be backed by outside observers , because no clear and generally accepted norm has arisen yet. You’re not anymore a weirdo for thinking that nobody should touch you ever, and you’re not yet a weirdo for thinking that touching other human beings innocently is perfectly natural. However, the natural caution of HR and the growing concerns about sexual harassment will make likely that at least a woman complaining about being touched by a man will be listened to and is likely to be vindicated. So, in the workplace, if you’re a man touching a woman, you do that at your own risk even though most people wouldn’t consider that you have done any wrong in a case like the one described. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/36 "2019-05-03T17:43:47Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Are you saying that grabbing another man’s wrist to get a point across would be o.k. in a meeting? Are you saying that a man touching a woman’s wrist to get her to stop talking(again, something I have never seen a man do to another man) isn’t a form of control? Beware of using terms like “grabbing,” if the action might more accurately be described as a tap or touch. I can’t think of specifics, but I imagine there have been instances where I touched another guy of a guy touched me to get my attention during a meeting. So long as they weren’t grabbing my dick, I wouldn’t think anything off if they touched my wrist. Let’s say you are seated next to someone, but in a manner that they are partly turned away from you - maybe looking at a screen or speaker. You want to silently get their attention - for any number of reasons. How do you do it? Any part of the body that CAN be touched? Is it just me - I never considered the wrist to be a particularly erogenous area. 😕 In fact, I think grabbing someone by the wrist might actually be a type of contact among strangers that occurs somewhat commonly - say to prevent a stranger from walking into someone/something/traffic… ---
**Author:** ![mikecurtis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikecurtis/32/3284_2.png) [@mikecurtis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mikecurtis)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/37 "2019-05-03T17:44:21Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > Just default your personal actions to “Don’t touch” unless you know otherwise. Again, it’s not hard. It is hard, for some of us. I’m a toucher. Always have been.I come from a family of touchers. It was how I was taught. We all hugged and kissed and sat close to each other. Touching was excepted in school. as pointed out above, younger students were asked to hold hands in certain situations. There were contact sports, including dancing, taught. There were handshakes and high fives and congratulatory pats on the back. I’ve spent 30 years in a work environment that is also very tactile; hugs and even kisses hello and good bye [del]are[/del] were common. I was always aware that there were some who didn’t touch, but I always assumed they were a small minority and would say something to let me know. Maybe I and others like me were oblivious to the multitude around us, but you cannot deny that it was socially acceptable to varying degrees in most situations. I think it’s fairly easy to see that the societal permissiveness of polite touching is a contributing factor in allowing some (many?) to blurr the line between casual and sexual touching in the work place. And I think it’s the correct tack to make touching taboo at work. But to pretend that this is not a seismic shift in attitude is just not realistic. It is hard for some of us. It is hard for me. But, I am trying. mc ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/38 "2019-05-03T17:48:52Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Beware of using terms like “grabbing,” if the action might more accurately be described as a tap or touch. I can’t think of specifics, but I imagine there have been instances where I touched another guy of a guy touched me to get my attention during a meeting. So long as they weren’t grabbing my dick, I wouldn’t think anything off if they touched my wrist… Not my words-It was a direct reference to this post: > [@clairobscur](#): > > How do you know that? You could read his mind? You have never seen a man grabbing another man’s wrist or arm to grab his attention in your life? ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/39 "2019-05-03T18:00:25Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > How do you know that? You could read his mind? You have never seen a man grabbing another man’s wrist or arm to grab his attention in your life? How long have you been on this board? Don’t you know that people lost their minds on this issue about 5 years ago. ---
**Author:** ![BeeGee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5a626/32.png) [@BeeGee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeeGee)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2019, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/40 "2019-05-03T18:00:32Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I honestly don’t want to be shaking peoples’ hands either. I’ll sometimes counter with a fist bump if someone reaches for my hand, and they’ll laugh and reciprocate. I’m with you here. I have eczema and once I get my hands properly medicated, I don’t want anyone else’s sweat or cologne messing up the mix. I’m not fond of passive aggressive gestures as a rule, but I keep a wrist brace in my desk. When salesmen drop by in the lobby, I’ll grab some business cards and put on the brace. When they go for the shake, I just hold up my hand. Some people really get offended if you won’t shake hands, but I find it’s worth the effort. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424.md?page=3)