# Is touching co-workers OK? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [May 3, 2019, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424 "2019-05-03T15:42:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 21
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/401 "2019-05-08T00:00:10Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > I don’t know. I might be okay with women going around grabbing my junk. That makes one of us. I don’t want women trying to romance me while I’m at work, much less _use_ me. Let 'em come at me when I’m off the clock, if they dare. (Spoiler: They don’t dare.) ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/402 "2019-05-08T00:01:36Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > That makes one of us. I don’t want women trying to romance me while I’m at work, much less _use_ me. > > Let 'em come at me when I’m off the clock, if they dare. (Spoiler: They don’t dare.) I gotta take what I can get 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/403 "2019-05-08T00:38:43Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > That’s an opinion on hugs. I think there’s a scale of workplace touch, going something like this: Yes, the column is specifically about hugging, but there is also this comment. > [@](#): > > And if touching is so important, shouldn’t the person being touched have some say in whether to allow it? I think that covers #1 and #2. Sure, if you’re friends outside the office, I think you can be friends inside the office. But I think that should be established first in a social setting. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/404 "2019-05-08T00:40:57Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > Yes, the column is specifically about hugging, but there is also this comment. > > I think that covers #1 and #2. I don’t think it does, given the context of the entire article is about hugging. If she intended suddenly to change the subject to every form of touch, including shoulder-taps used for communication and not for showing affection, she’s a masterful enough writer that she could have indicated that subject change unambiguously. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/405 "2019-05-08T01:16:46Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > T… > I went looking for an article on the subject, googling “Shoulder taps workplace touching”. Miss Manners didn’t come up, but there’s … > > The most balanced piece I found, in a few minutes of browsing, was [this piece: The new guidelines for touching at work](https://qz.com/work/1595463/is-it-okay-to-hug-a-co-worker-a-guide-to-respecting-boundaries/). It’s less than a month old, so should reflect some recent norms. > > I find this advice all pretty on-point, and more cautious than that in the other article I linked to. (Well, okay, the number one rule really IS don’t grab junk, I agree with that, Christ Almighty). > … I have to agree and add on that \*"But crucially, it’s your job to be aware of other people’s cues. If you lay a hand on someone’s shoulder and feel them tense up, that’s your signal to keep your hands to yourself. Don’t assume that your behavior is acceptable just because no one is saying otherwise. " \* ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/406 "2019-05-08T01:19:34Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > I have to agree and add on that \*"But crucially, it’s your job to be aware of other people’s cues. If you lay a hand on someone’s shoulder and feel them tense up, that’s your signal to keep your hands to yourself. Don’t assume that your behavior is acceptable just because no one is saying otherwise. " \* You’re adding on something that I quoted in the post you’re responding to? ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/407 "2019-05-08T04:31:49Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > You’re adding on something that I quoted in the post you’re responding to? I am agreeing with it. ---
**Author:** ![Wrenching\_Spanners](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecb155/32.png) [@Wrenching\_Spanners](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wrenching_Spanners)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/408 "2019-05-08T10:58:22Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > I guess this needs an elementary school answer ‘use your words’. The idea that you’d even need to ask is bizarre; I see people talk in meetings all the time, typically that’s the purpose of a meeting. Since I’m a man, I would expect that no guy is going to put a delicate touch on my hand, because (as I’ve said) that’s not a move I’ve ever seen a guy pull on an unfamialr guy. If I was a woman, my preferred method would definitely not be for someone to make weird overly-intimate contact with me in a way that they wouldn’t do to a man in the same circumstance. Instead I think… I’d go right back to ‘use your words’. I’d estimate I’m in 2-3 meetings a year where someone needs to get the speaker’s attention. It’s usually because something has gone wrong, but it has certainly happened that someone got off topic and would not shut up. The best way to handle any situation where you need to interrupt a speaker is to create the least disturbance possible. If you can accomplish that with a wave and a polite comment, great. If it’s a light tap on the arm and a quiet comment, that’s perfectly fine. If it’s a hand on the shoulder or back, while the interrupter leans in and makes a point, that’s definitely getting into the speaker’s personal space, but if the reason for the interruption is important enough, that’s still perfectly fine. We’re all aware that some people dislike being touched, and if you’re dealing with a person who doesn’t like being touched, then don’t touch them. It’s pretty simple. But I disagree with anyone advocating a general no-touching policy because some people are sensitive. Most touches between office colleagues are simply to get a colleague’s attention, or as a casual part of friendly communication. People need to be able to handle exceptions, but saying everyone must treat everyone else the same way they treat touch adverse people is wrong. Also, keep in mind we’re all discussing office workspaces. I can’t imagine anyone who was touch adverse working behind a bar or any other situation where there’s restricted physical space. FYI, the last time I touched someone in my office besides a handshake was when a man was filling a water bottle from a water cooler while looking at his phone. I tapped his arm when the bottle was about to overflow because he wasn’t paying attention. He thanked me rather than reporting me to HR. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/409 "2019-05-08T11:08:13Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > We just had a staff meeting where folks could pass out goofy rewards to other teachers/staff members. One person got a glue stick because “You’re the glue that holds us together,” and the giver and recipient gave a big hug. I got a hundred grand bar because “I owe you a hundred grand for all the help and advice you’ve given me.” I thanked the giver but didn’t touch her at all when receiving it. Fifteen minutes before the meeting, there was a hand on my shoulder, as I mentioned earlier. Wow. Teachers are weird.🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/410 "2019-05-08T12:06:25Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > After all this discussion, I’m still really failing to see why the pro-touchers believe that they should be allowed to by default _assume_ that touching a co-worker is okay. They’re aware that not everybody likes it, but they feel like they should be able to just go around grabbing people and find out who likes it by waiting to see if they get punched, or whatever. I mean, sure, I understand being selfish and lazy and not caring too much about other people, who might dislike it but suffer in silence so as not to be the bad guy, but really is it _that hard_ not to presume? To answer your first question it’s because most of us aren’t offended by a light tap on the shoulder or other innocuous forms of contact from a coworker. I consider myself slightly touch averse but it wouldn’t bother me to have a coworker, male or female, tap me on my shoulder to get my attention. Also, I’m interested in why you would characterize the “pro-touchers” as advocating that people should be able to go around grabbing people. Had the OP specified that Mr. McFeely grabbed Susan’s wrist at the meeting my opinion would be much different and I suspect the opinions of many of the “pro-touchers” would also be different. Is grabbing someone the equivalent of tapping them on the shoulder? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/411 "2019-05-08T12:08:39Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Wow. Teachers are weird.🙂 This may be the truest statement in the thread. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/412 "2019-05-08T12:13:59Z")
> [@Wrenching\_Spanners](#): > > …FYI, the last time I touched someone in my office besides a handshake was when a man was filling a water bottle from a water cooler while looking at his phone. I tapped his arm when the bottle was about to overflow because he wasn’t paying attention. He thanked me rather than reporting me to HR. Ha! Not likely to happen in my workplace, but something I thought of in stores and such - waiting in line, the idiot in front of me is staring at their phone, oblivious to the fact that it is their turn to be served. They have earbuds in, which prevent them from hearing the clerk say “Next” or my polite, “Excuse me.” What to do? Wouldn’t want to tap them on their shoulder, as they might be touch averse! :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/413 "2019-05-08T14:20:03Z")
> [@Wrenching\_Spanners](#): > > I’d estimate I’m in 2-3 meetings a year where someone needs to get the speaker’s attention. It’s usually because something has gone wrong, but it has certainly happened that someone got off topic and would not shut up. The best way to handle any situation where you need to interrupt a speaker is to create the least disturbance possible. If you can accomplish that with a wave and a polite comment, great. If it’s a light tap on the arm and a quiet comment, that’s perfectly fine. If it’s a hand on the shoulder or back, while the interrupter leans in and makes a point, that’s definitely getting into the speaker’s personal space, but if the reason for the interruption is important enough, that’s still perfectly fine. I’m in rather more than that many meetings a year in which it’s necessary for someone to get the speaker’s attention. It comes up often at planning board meetings, both between board members and between the board and members of the public present at the meeting. I’ve been doing this for something like 25 years now. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone request attention by touching someone else; with the possible exception of people in the audience who are presumably couples or close friends. I am confounded by the people who seem to think touch is necessary in this sort of situation. If it fits your particular group culture and no individual objects, then OK. But it’s absolutely not the only non-disruptive way to accomplish the purpose. > [@Dinsdale](#): > > Ha! Not likely to happen in my workplace, but something I thought of in stores and such - waiting in line, the idiot in front of me is staring at their phone, oblivious to the fact that it is their turn to be served. They have earbuds in, which prevent them from hearing the clerk say “Next” or my polite, “Excuse me.” What to do? Wouldn’t want to tap them on their shoulder, as they might be touch averse! If there’s room, step around them and let the clerk take you next. If there isn’t, say at the sort of grocery checkout line we’ve got around here, speak louder, or rap on the counter in front of them; if that doesn’t work, put part of your hand between their face and the phone. Yes, that’s somewhat rude; but they’re being rude, and they’ve left you no polite way to deal with it. ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/414 "2019-05-08T14:35:29Z")
> [@Wrenching\_Spanners](#): > > I’d estimate I’m in 2-3 meetings a year where someone needs to get the speaker’s attention. It’s usually because something has gone wrong, but it has certainly happened that someone got off topic and would not shut up. The best way to handle any situation where you need to interrupt a speaker is to create the least disturbance possible. If you can accomplish that with a wave and a polite comment, great. If it’s a light tap on the arm and a quiet comment, that’s perfectly fine. If it’s a hand on the shoulder or back, while the interrupter leans in and makes a point, that’s definitely getting into the speaker’s personal space, but if the reason for the interruption is important enough, that’s still perfectly fine. Know what’s fascinating? None of your examples are of the specific touch that was mentioned in the OP. I think it makes it clear that delicately touching someone on the wrist is an unusual thing to do that’s very different from a tap on the shoulder. People keep trying to turn the discussion into ‘a tap on the shoulder’, but the specific example a kind of touch that is overly intimate and so unusual that people won’t even list it in an example along with a tap on the shoulder. > [@](#): > > We’re all aware that some people dislike being touched, and if you’re dealing with a person who doesn’t like being touched, then don’t touch them. It’s pretty simple. But I disagree with anyone advocating a general no-touching policy because some people are sensitive. Most touches between office colleagues are simply to get a colleague’s attention, or as a casual part of friendly communication. People need to be able to handle exceptions, but saying everyone must treat everyone else the same way they treat touch adverse people is wrong. In my experience, unwanted touches between office colleagues are done by people who don’t respect boundaries. They might be the ‘I believe I should be able to touch anyone’ types from this thread, or they’re actually bullying or harassing people, or they’re the kind of person who buys into the ‘our office is friendly, we must hug each other’ initiatives, or something else. But in all of those cases, unwanted touch is not actually friendly communications, and the ‘I will keep touching you until you tell me to stop’ is a horrible default. Also note that unless you’re getting into really egregious fondling, no one cares about co workers who are actual friends and fine with casually touching each other, and that’s very obviously not what this thread is about. > [@](#): > > Also, keep in mind we’re all discussing office workspaces. I can’t imagine anyone who was touch adverse working behind a bar or any other situation where there’s restricted physical space. In a great many bars, touching the bartender will get you roughed up by the bouncer and banned from the establishment. So I’m not sure this is a good example. Other than ‘person so drunk they’re obviously about to make a forced exit’, I’ve never seen someone reach across the bar to touch a bartender, that’s seriously bizarre behavior in my experience. Do people really reach out and put their hands on the bartender in bars that you frequent? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/415 "2019-05-08T14:46:06Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > In a great many bars, touching the bartender will get you roughed up by the bouncer and banned from the establishment. So I’m not sure this is a good example. Other than ‘person so drunk they’re obviously about to make a forced exit’, I’ve never seen someone reach across the bar to touch a bartender, that’s seriously bizarre behavior in my experience. Do people really reach out and put their hands on the bartender in bars that you frequent? A friend of mine (Hi, Kristie!) used to bartend and had very serious personal space issues. The bar had no bouncer. One night someone grabbed her hand and she _screamed_. The grabber was immediately subdued by the rest of the male patrons. I remember I had his left ankle. He struggled, screamed, freaked out, but we all hung on and dragged him out the door. Never saw him again. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/416 "2019-05-08T15:09:13Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > If there’s room, step around them and let the clerk take you next. Sure, because NO ONE would every take objection to THAT! 😃 > [@](#): > > If there isn’t, say at the sort of grocery checkout line we’ve got around here, speak louder, or rap on the counter in front of them; if that doesn’t work, put part of your hand between their face and the phone. Yes, that’s somewhat rude; but they’re being rude, and they’ve left you no polite way to deal with it. Or, in other words, just about anything OTHER than a gentle tap on the shoulder. I guess I shouldn’t post anymore. We each consider the other unreasonable, and are unlikely to persuade each other otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![Wrenching\_Spanners](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecb155/32.png) [@Wrenching\_Spanners](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wrenching_Spanners)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/417 "2019-05-08T15:23:04Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone request attention by touching someone else; with the possible exception of people in the audience who are presumably couples or close friends. I am confounded by the people who seem to think touch is necessary in this sort of situation. If it fits your particular group culture and no individual objects, then OK. But it’s absolutely not the only non-disruptive way to accomplish the purpose. One example: A project team member was giving a presentation on behalf of the team. During the question and answers, they were asked a question that should have been referred to another team member. When the presenter struggled to answer the question, the project manager brushed the person’s elbow, causing the speaker to pause, and then the PM deflected the question to the team member who should have been answering the question. Opposing example: At a Finance workgroup meeting, the financial director asked a woman a question. Halfway through her answer, a loudmouth decided to take over the question and started talking over her. The FD tried to politely get his attention verbally twice, and then had to yell at him to tell him to shut up. Everyone in the room was embarrassed, and the loudmouth was gone a month later. These are anecdotes, but the point is that a tactile interruption can be effective, and more importantly, is quiet. I’ll also note that a touch to get someone’s attention, in my experience anyway, is much more common among non-speakers at a meeting, than someone leading a presentation or discussion. One recent example I noticed at a meeting was a junior employee being “told” to put away their phone via an elbow tap and sign language. > [@](#): > > If there’s room, step around them and let the clerk take you next. If there isn’t, say at the sort of grocery checkout line we’ve got around here, speak louder, or rap on the counter in front of them; if that doesn’t work, put part of your hand between their face and the phone. Yes, that’s somewhat rude; but they’re being rude, and they’ve left you no polite way to deal with it. I consider stepping in front of someone, and putting your hand above someone’s phone screen to both be far ruder than a tap on the arm and a point at the cashier. For that matter, with “put part of your hand between their face and the phone”, how are you going to do that without invading their personal space? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/418 "2019-05-08T15:28:19Z")
> [@Wrenching\_Spanners](#): > > One example: A project team member was giving a presentation on behalf of the team. During the question and answers, they were asked a question that should have been referred to another team member. When the presenter struggled to answer the question, the project manager brushed the person’s elbow, causing the speaker to pause, and then the PM deflected the question to the team member who should have been answering the question. > > Opposing example: At a Finance workgroup meeting, the financial director asked a woman a question. Halfway through her answer, a loudmouth decided to take over the question and started talking over her. The FD tried to politely get his attention verbally twice, and then had to yell at him to tell him to shut up. Everyone in the room was embarrassed, and the loudmouth was gone a month later. > > These are anecdotes, but the point is that a tactile interruption can be effective, and more importantly, is quiet. > > I’ll also note that a touch to get someone’s attention, in my experience anyway, is much more common among non-speakers at a meeting, than someone leading a presentation or discussion. One recent example I noticed at a meeting was a junior employee being “told” to put away their phone via an elbow tap and sign language. > > I consider stepping in front of someone, and putting your hand above someone’s phone screen to both be far ruder than a tap on the arm and a point at the cashier. For that matter, with “put part of your hand between their face and the phone”, how are you going to do that without invading their personal space? There’s that false dilemma again, where the only choices are yelling or touching. ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/419 "2019-05-08T15:31:36Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Wow. Teachers are weird.🙂 They don’t start out that way. It happens after several years of teaching YOUR children. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2019, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/420 "2019-05-08T15:53:21Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > There’s that false dilemma again, where the only choices are yelling or touching. There’s always other choices, but people get upset when I throw my coffee cup at their head. I can’t understand why - at least I didn’t lightly touch their wrist. Regards, Shodan [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424.md?page=20) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424.md?page=22)