# Is touching co-workers OK? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [May 3, 2019, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424 "2019-05-03T15:42:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 28
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2019, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/541 "2019-05-12T00:45:44Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > And I think we are in agreement on this! > . OK. I took you to be assuming in the post I was quoting that there is such a thing as “touch that is in general considered culturally appropriate”. Maybe I misunderstood you. > [@DSeid](#): > > No question that there is touch that is acceptable between school girls that is not appropriate for women CEO, COO, and CFOs, or VPs dealing with each other, let alone with subordinates. . You missed my point; though that may well be my fault for not making it clear. What I was trying to say was that even among agemates in the same social circle at the same time, it was nowhere near as simple as either “people can touch each other’s hair, it’s generally culturally appropriate” or “people shouldn’t touch each other’s hair.” It was really “some people can touch each other’s hair in some situations. Nobody should touch somebody else’s hair in other situations. Even in situations in which some people can touch other people’s hair, not everybody can touch everybody else’s hair. And even in situations in which a particular person can touch another particular person’s hair, they should only do so in certain ways.” > [@DSeid](#): > > I observe the touching around me and in the professional circles (both the healthcare providers and the business people) I frequent it is common, and it is easy to identify those people who would NOT respond well to it. Those who touch as part of their communication do not touch those people and never had to be told not to. > > There are bad communicators and some of them use touch and use it as badly as they use the spoken and the written word, and other non-verbal cues too. . kunilou’s got it, or at least part of it: > [@kunilou](#): > > will you concede that some people (including me) are completely completely clueless about body language and non-verbal cues? . I had to learn them from the outside, so to speak. Cues which appeared to come so utterly naturally to most of my schoolmates were utterly invisible to me. (I once asked to be taught. I got a batch of blank unbelieving stares. You weren’t supposed to need to be taught, you were just supposed to know.) I had to learn those cues the hard way, bit by bit, over years. I think that having had to do so, however, means that sometimes (not always, sometimes I’m still clueless), I can see them better than the people who are using them instinctively. And one of the things that I see is that many people who think they are good at this aren’t as good as they think; and are missing a lot more clues than they think. I remember trying, and failing, to explain to Friend A that the fact that Friend B had smiled while telling Friend A something A didn’t want to hear didn’t mean that B was happy about it; but that B had dreaded telling A this and was afraid of A’s reaction (both of which I knew from B). A refused to believe that there’s such a thing as a nervous grin. There is, though. Some cats purr when they’re scared. Some people smile when they’re scared, or when they’re nervous. Do people smile when you touch them? That might mean they’re happy about it. But it might not. It’s not quite the same smile; but not everybody can tell the difference, especially if they’re not looking for it. Are some people good enough about reading non-verbal cues that they can easily tell whether others – even others of different cultures, genders, and life history – are willing to be touched? That’s certainly possible. But a whole lot of others aren’t. – kunilou, I think your link is broken. Doesn’t work for me, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2019, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/542 "2019-05-12T01:47:11Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > – kunilou, I think your link is broken. Doesn’t work for me, anyway. [Post #480, a page or so back.](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=21634220&postcount=480) ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2019, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/543 "2019-05-12T13:49:37Z")
I just want add to this, I dont even like shaking hands when I greet people. Men or women. I had a coworker constantly wanting to shake hands or give bumps but I told him I didnt like it. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2019, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/544 "2019-05-12T13:54:11Z")
> [@Wrenching\_Spanners](#): > > Just curious, have you ever actually asked someone their preferred method for someone to get their attention? Has anyone? I can imagine someone who’s touch-adverse giving a heads-up to co-workers as a pre-emptive measure to avoid getting touched. But if someone went up to me and asked your above question; I’d find that odd. I think I’ll stick to my own oddities, rather than adopting one you suggest. I have in fact had conversations with coworkers about “preferred methods to draw someone’s attention” but it was in a specific “cultural awareness” context (highly international project). One of the things I had to explain was the difference between different levels of touch: most of my coworkers had the subtlety of a steam-powered ram when it came to touching someone. I’d rather be touched lightly than addressed verbally, but I’d rather be addressed verbally than shaken or grabbed. And FFS, if you address me verbally begin by saying my name because otherwise I have no idea which of the six people sitting at the same table are you addressing and I will assume it is not me until you do say my name. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2019, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/545 "2019-05-12T17:20:32Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > Because tapping someone on the shoulder to get their attention is not something you ponder. It’s just a normal thing everyone does. > > Sure, now stuff like hugging- you have to ask first , even if not in so many words. I’m not sure that I’ve ever done that at work to someone - unless I have a touch relationship with them. Partly because back in the day I was a sexually harassed admin - and I know that some men will use any excuse to stick their grimy hands on a good looking young woman. Generally, I knock on their desk or cube support if I need their attention. The possible exception might be when I was doing physical labor in a data center, I might have tapped someone at that point in time, but generally saying “John! Can you give me a hand?” would be what I remember doing. I’m not a touchy person and with my own history, I assume as a default that people aren’t touchy either. Heck, I pull back from touching people to get their attention on a personal level, the first thing I try is their name, or “excuse me…” I do remember times when people would walk up and put their hand on my shoulder to get my attention - long past my admin days - it was seldom something I was comfortable with and those things stick in my brain as “uncomfortable moments at work.” ---
**Author:** ![Anxious\_Squirrel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/anxious_squirrel/32/1083_2.png) [@Anxious\_Squirrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anxious_Squirrel)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2019, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/546 "2019-05-12T19:40:02Z")
I once had someone lean on me during a group meeting. He wasn’t a friend or even someone I spoke to on a regular basis. I felt safe and more in control back then, so my social skills were at their highest, and I didn’t actually mind. Though I thought it was weird. If that happened to me now I would prolly quit on the spot and never return. I would be really annoyed with shoulder pats or wrist grabs and I would try very hard to avoid those people who insist on touching everyone. I may or may not say anything depending on how safe I feel, and if the words would come out. But really this is why I don’t work anywhere because I’m not sure I could handle navigating that sort of environment anymore. Online only for me now. The world is a scary place full of aggressive extroverts who always win because they’re the majority, although I do my best to not play their games and not give them what they want. But I have pretty severe anxiety disorder and so am not normal. Before sad cut in I wasn’t averse to normal touch, and would even touch my friends when I was a kid. But I just can’t handle it now. ---
**Author:** ![Anxious\_Squirrel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/anxious_squirrel/32/1083_2.png) [@Anxious\_Squirrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anxious_Squirrel)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/547 "2019-05-14T00:05:49Z")
Oh wow, I killed the thread! I had threadkiller listed as one of my superpowers on another forum. I wanted to add that I was in a bad mood when I used my powers. I realize my reactions are extreme and inappropriate, although, it also makes me feel better knowing that other more normal people also experience a much more appropriate dislike of being touched, also. 😃 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![mikecurtis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikecurtis/32/3284_2.png) [@mikecurtis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mikecurtis)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2019, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/548 "2019-05-14T01:53:49Z")
I’ve been away from the forum for a few days and was afraid to revive the thread, but since **TheMysteryWriter** has been flexing their superpowers, I just have a cople of notes: > [@SmartAleq](#): > > I don’t mean “never touch anyone ever” I came down kinda hard on **SmartAleq** so it’s nice to hear them say this. > [@](#): > > . . .they get downright snuggly with each other, which is not a level of physicality I’m comfortable with but they’re just fine and it’s not my place to decide for them what their comfort level is. They respect my boundaries just fine though and I appreciate that. And this is why I am vehemently against draconian no touching policies. It takes away a form of communication and intimacy from those who are comfortable with it. But the key here is respect for others wishes. > [@](#): > > I said that in a workplace context it is absolutely inappropriate to initiate physical contact without affirmative permission. I said that if the touch was brief and innocuous there might be no repercussions but that there will always be a risk and a prudent person would refrain from touching in the workplace unless they were absolutely sure they had the other person’s consent and even then there’s the chance that you will be wrong about that and reap the consequences. very well said. but we have to remember that in American society up until very recently, permission for certain kinds of touches (ie: handshakes and attention getting taps) was assumed, and if someone was uncomfortable with these kinds of touches, it was incumbent upon them to let others know. It was an “opt out” type of situation. Maybe it shouldn’t have been this way and a change is appropriate. But, there is bound to be some that are slower than others to get on board. > [@](#): > > So my point is that YOU DON’T KNOW what’s going on in a coworker’s head or in their life and it’s very possible to unknowingly set someone off badly with what YOU think is an innocuous touch. There have been days when I was at work with my clothes hiding multiple bruises and contusions from intimate partner violence and a touch from any person would not be welcome at all but a touch from a man would be quite likely to set off a very violent shitstorm. To be very honest, I never even considered something like PTSD. I’m Sorry. mc ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2019, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/549 "2019-05-15T21:57:05Z")
> [@what touching is appropriate?](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-touching-is-appropriate/803174/43): > > I am a hugger regardless of sex and depending on the situation, I usually will offer a hug as congratulations or support. I never just go for a hug but open my arms and wait for a reciprocation. I can proudly say I have converted a lot of non huggers to huggers Who knew that Joe Biden posted here? ---
**Author:** ![Anxious\_Squirrel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/anxious_squirrel/32/1083_2.png) [@Anxious\_Squirrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anxious_Squirrel)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2019, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424/550 "2019-05-15T22:26:08Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Who knew that Joe Biden posted here? Thank you for giving me an excuse to post this Joe Biden SNL skit. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKeG1iJNxGs&t=136s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKeG1iJNxGs&t=136s) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-touching-co-workers-ok/833424.md?page=27)