# Is using an elevator that fucking hard? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 14, 2009, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035 "2009-04-14T04:25:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![CMiller](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@CMiller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CMiller)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/101 "2009-04-20T06:50:24Z")
Can’t believe I missed this thread. I did a little writing on this two years ago when I was suffering elevator fools on a daily basis. Enjoy. [Best of Craigslist: So You Want To Ride Me](http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/302677766.html) ---
**Author:** ![crazyjoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@crazyjoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazyjoe)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/102 "2009-04-20T20:30:50Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > My ass is in fact big and fat. Women only love me for the multiple extensible prehensile penises–the middle one in particular, as it shoots plasma beams on command. So, if I know the command word, I can just walk by and you’ll need a new pair of pants? How embarassing! ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/103 "2009-04-21T23:42:59Z")
[QUOTE=panache45] Yes, believe it or not, I had to explain this to a couple who were staying in a hotel in Niagara Falls. They got on, on the third floor, and pressed “3”, which of course made the doors open again. Then, just as the doors started to close, they hit “3” again. And again. And again. So I had to explain to them how to use an elevator. [/QUOTE] One of our buildings downtown has a completely screwball elevator system that really deserves flashing signs to explain as it kidnaps hapless visitors daily. When you enter the building, you don’t just press the “UP” button. You have to punch in the desired floor number on a keypad, then wait and watch the elevators. Eventually one will open up. Don’t just walk in! Look at the display next to the door that shows what floor that elevator is going to. Oops. Not your floor, so don’t get on. Your elevator will come around eventually. If you do get on the wrong elevator, you will be trapped for a ride up to whatever floor someone else is going to, and you will have to get off the elevator on that floor or take your chances that it might return to the lobby within the next hour. Same deal up on the floors. Punch in a floor number or the star to go to the lobby. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/104 "2009-04-21T23:55:16Z")
> [@crazyjoe](#): > > So, if I know the command word, I can just walk by and you’ll need a new pair of pants? How embarassing! I am not an idiot. I disabled the voice command option for obvious reasons. Well…because of a court order, actually. I’d explain, but you guys aren’t old enough. ---
**Author:** ![Greg\_Charles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Greg\_Charles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greg_Charles)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/105 "2009-04-22T00:13:24Z")
I suggest you print these out and nail them to the door of your nearest elevator. You’re a modern-day Martin Luther. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/106 "2009-04-22T00:21:52Z")
> [@Mooch](#): > > I like to send my farts on a ride in an empty elevator to another floor. That is funny. 😃 Even better - just as you are leaving, release a truly enormous long-winded fart back into the lift. And don’t forget [this scene](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViYclyAkkDg&feature=related) from the original Pink Panther! (Let me squeeze [zis one](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pI2gPnCHR1s&feature=related) in too!) ---
**Author:** ![Mongoose1546](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Mongoose1546](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mongoose1546)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2009, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/107 "2009-05-01T03:01:39Z")
> [@CMiller](#): > > Can’t believe I missed this thread. I did a little writing on this two years ago when I was suffering elevator fools on a daily basis. Enjoy. > > [Best of Craigslist: So You Want To Ride Me](http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/302677766.html) What a thing of beauty!!! May I incorporate some of it? Credit will naturally be given to you. ---
**Author:** ![CMiller](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@CMiller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CMiller)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2009, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/108 "2009-05-01T06:44:38Z")
> [@Mongoose1546](#): > > What a thing of beauty!!! May I incorporate some of it? Credit will naturally be given to you. Of course, pass it around, the more the merrier. ---
**Author:** ![muttrox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a8b319/32.png) [@muttrox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muttrox)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2009, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/109 "2009-05-01T16:30:27Z")
> [@TBG](#): > > My rules are better, and more concise. > > 1. Don’t be a jackass > > 2. Treat others respectfully > > And the beauty of it is you can apply these rules to many situations, not just elevators. I think Ed Zotti would argue that these rules are not as easy to implement as you think. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2009, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/110 "2009-05-01T23:43:25Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > Oh, forgot to mention. If I have a doctor’s or dentist’s appointment, I make sure not to apply scent. Generally, someone’s going to be very close to me and touching me at such appointments, and Opium is rather a heavy perfume. I don’t want someone to get a headache because I want to smell purty. Why else, pray, would you want to wear perfume??? ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2009, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/111 "2009-05-02T07:10:40Z")
If I want to give someone a headache, I just whack them upside the head with my walking stick. That way, I am sure of giving my target a headache, and not some random passerby. It is also infinitely more satisfying. ---
**Author:** ![TBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2009, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/112 "2009-05-03T01:33:37Z")
> [@muttrox](#): > > I think Ed Zotti would argue that these rules are not as easy to implement as you think. Implemention isn’t my department. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![muttrox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a8b319/32.png) [@muttrox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muttrox)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2009, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/113 "2009-05-04T14:24:54Z")
A relevant [link](http://peoplewhodeserveit.com/2009/03/27/136-lazy-elevator-abuser/) ---
**Author:** ![Claire\_Beauchamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ec9cab/32.png) [@Claire\_Beauchamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claire_Beauchamp)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2009, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/114 "2009-05-04T17:28:14Z")
[Things to Do in an Elevator](http://wilk4.com/humor/humorm56.htm) ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2009, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/115 "2009-05-05T05:54:39Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > 1. People who take the elevator from the first floor to the second floor must either a) submit proof of injury, or b) fuck off. …Pulls up right pant leg. exhibits 6 inch scar on outside of leg, exhibits 4 inch scar and visible bolts holding talus together on inside of ankle. Neither of which show when I am dressed, nor do they cause a visible (or much of one) limp when I’m on flat ground. But which DO create a lot of pain going up stairs. Rule #33, Don’t JUDGE on looks alone. Rule #42, don’t be stupid, the elevator is going to go up and stop at a number of floors NOT your own, so what if some of them are lower floors? Rule #59, Never EVER take the stairs to any floor in the JC Penney’s parking garage. Unless you want to be puked on, panhandled, accosted by thugs etc. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2009, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/116 "2009-05-06T13:21:46Z")
> [@Locrian](#): > > Seriously, though, I nominate this post on the BBQ Pit as one of the funniest threads on the Dope. > > (It literally made me pee! In the bathroom. I made it in time.) > > There’s tons of this on the net, but I’ll add : > > **Annoying Things To Do on an Elevator** > > 1. CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask, “Got enough air in there?” > 2. STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off. > 3. WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves. > 4. GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral. > 5. MEOW occasionally. > 6. STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” — and back away slowly > 7. SAY “Ding!” at each floor. > 8. SAY, “I wonder what all these do?” and push all the red buttons. > 9. MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button. > 10. STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.” Cracked me up,I particulary liked 2,7 and 10,I may well try them out myself. ---
**Author:** ![Hippy\_Hollow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hippy_hollow/32/4841_2.png) [@Hippy\_Hollow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hippy_Hollow)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/117 "2009-05-07T22:02:24Z")
Those elevator decapitation stories are fucked. How about rule -1: DON’T EVER STICK ANY PART OF YOUR BODY OUT OF THE ELEVATOR IF IT’S MALFUNCTIONING. WAIT FOR THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. ---
**Author:** ![Snnipe\_70E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5a626/32.png) [@Snnipe\_70E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snnipe_70E)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/118 "2009-05-08T05:37:33Z")
> [@friedo](#): > > One extremely cold day, one elevator in an oldish Wall Street building where I used to work decided to frighteningly malfunction. My co-workers and I were heading up to the 30th floor, when all of a sudden something in the mechanism slipped and the elevator plunged two or three stories before coming to a halt. > > ". An elevator will not plunge as in falling down unless it is loaded. Infact a partially loaded cable elevato falls up not down. ---
**Author:** ![cjepson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a9adbd/32.png) [@cjepson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cjepson)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/119 "2009-05-08T15:22:50Z")
> [@Snnipe\_70E](#): > > An elevator will not plunge as in falling down unless it is loaded. Infact a partially loaded cable elevato falls up not down. Man, I hate riding on elevators when they’re loaded. Elevators should not drink while on duty. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2009, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035/120 "2009-05-10T04:13:07Z")
Sorry if I’ve missed it, but has anyone posted these [elevator rules](http://www.thesharkguys.com/2009/05/06/elevator-rules-a-guide-to-civility-on-lifts/) yet? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-using-an-elevator-that-fucking-hard/493035.md?page=7)