# Is visiting your deceased mother's gravesite on Mother's Day a thing? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 6, 2015, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350 "2015-05-06T00:04:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/1 "2015-05-06T00:04:47Z")
My wife says it is, so I’m stuck with it. She suggested it to my father, and a bunch of us will schlep out there. My mother died June 2014. I’m not too happy with it, as you can tell. Mother’s Day was nice. Full of live-Mom, not dead-Mom. And next weekend is the unveiling of my mother-in-law’s gravesite, which _is_ a thing, which I understand (termination of one year-minus-one-day of mourning, closure, etc., Rabbi says well-chosen Rabbi words, etc.) Our mothers died within 10 days of each other; the unveiling (_jahrzeit_) works out to mid May in the Hebrew calendar. ---
**Author:** ![Potestas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/50afbb/32.png) [@Potestas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Potestas)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/2 "2015-05-06T00:09:31Z")
I think its a really sweet thing to do, don’t take this the wrong way by any means but if you loved and cared for your mother you remember that memory on Mothers Day. Now I know not all Mothers are the same but at least for me I’d probably buy flowers and put it on the tombstone maybe cry a few tears and go home. Would I spend all day there? Not likely, but probably an hour or two. But then again I’m somewhat sentimental. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/3 "2015-05-06T00:16:52Z")
It’s a thing for me. I wish it were a little later in the season; she always loved cut flowers from the garden. And an hour or two is way too long for me. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/4 "2015-05-06T00:28:20Z")
I suspect this is one of those things which comes as close to binary as human emotions can: 0 - The thought would never occur to you 1 - Of course you do - how could you _NOT_ I am one of the 0’s on this issue. I think I could, possibly, find Mothers grave. I know the State and a 50-mile radius of Father’s. (yes, Father was a drunken, abusive asshole) ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/5 "2015-05-06T00:36:51Z")
This is probably better suited to IMHO than GQ. Colibri General Questions Moderator ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/6 "2015-05-06T00:58:33Z")
My mother is still alive, so it never came up for me. But it wouldn’t really occur to me to visit my father’s grave on Father’s Day, either. Possibly on his birthday, or the anniversary of his death, or on Veterans’ Day, though I expect that a veterans’ cemetery is probably pretty crowded on Veterans’ Day. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/7 "2015-05-06T01:35:08Z")
A lot of people do it. It’s not a thing for me, though, and you shouldn’t feel bad if it’s not a thing for you. Remember your mom, in in a way that you find comforting, or ignore the day, if that’s what will make you feel better. There’s no right or wrong. My mother was a saint (and she doesn’t actually have a grave), but I don’t find any comfort in visiting graves, so I don’t do it. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/8 "2015-05-06T01:40:40Z")
It’s a thing for me, but I was born on Mother’s Day, and for my first 34 years we always celebrated it and my birthday as a big family holiday. Judging by the number of graves that have fresh flowers on them when I visit the cemetary on Mother’s Day, it’s a thing for a lot of other people, too. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/9 "2015-05-06T01:47:12Z")
I visit the site of my parents’ graves every so often. Maybe four times a year. They’re buried on some acreage out in the back part of the county, where my sister’s house is. (I actually did the burying, but, since we’re talking cremation ashes, it wasn’t much of an excavation.) I certainly wouldn’t make a point of doing it on Mothers’ Day or Fathers’ Day. Those aren’t “real holidays” to me, just artificial ones created by flower vendors and hardware stores. But it is nice to traipse out under the old oak, sit on the granite outcrop nearby in the shade, and reminisce. ---
**Author:** ![Cunctator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/43a26b/32.png) [@Cunctator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cunctator)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/10 "2015-05-06T01:47:51Z")
I’d say it’s quite common. There are certainly sufficient visitors to spur flower-sellers to set up shop at cemetery gates. The same goes for Fathers’ Day. > [@kunilou](#): > > Judging by the number of graves that have fresh flowers on them when I visit the cemetary on Mother’s Day, it’s a thing for a lot of other people, too. Indeed, yes. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/11 "2015-05-06T01:59:16Z")
There are so few perks to having a dead mother why cheat yourself out of being able to skip Mother’s Day? ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/12 "2015-05-06T02:05:22Z")
I’ve always felt that visiting a person’s grave site isn’t a thing period. After the first couple of years, who really does that? This is the reason I’m not going to burden my family with the hassle of an expensive grave site. either cremation or donation for me. Although, after reading this thread, maybe more people do it than I had originally thought. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/13 "2015-05-06T02:11:03Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > My mother is still alive… Why wait? Show her how much you care and visit her (future) grave now, before it’s too late! ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/14 "2015-05-06T02:35:53Z")
Its one of those things we try but don’t beat ourselves up over if it doesn’t work. Same with Fathers Day and Memorial Day. We’re more likely to stop in passing that make a special plan to. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/15 "2015-05-06T02:41:08Z")
> [@Musicat](#): > > Why wait? Show her how much you care and visit her (future) grave now, before it’s too late! Its no big secret that my mother never really cared for me. Long story but seriously true. The first year after Dad died I decorated across the whole front of the stone with flowers and her reaction was “the little bastard wishes I was dead”. The next year we decorated under his name only and her reaction was “the little prick couldn’t put so much as a begonia under my name”. Now I just start at the left and quit when I run out of flowers. And screw what she thinks either way. So you joke — but there is enough truth there to make it funny. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/16 "2015-05-06T02:45:48Z")
My husband visits his mother’s grave every Mother’s Day. On Father’s Day, he doesn’t visit his father’s grave. That kind of bugs me. I feel bad for his dad, which I know is silly, but there it is. One year, he was in a funk all day after visiting his mother’s grave and I kindly asked him to not ruin my day because, after all, I was alive and well. He tried to be better after that. Personally, I wish he’d choose another day to get his weeping in, but I’m not going to say anything because having a son who loved his mom isn’t the worst thing in the world. ---
**Author:** ![Kenm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bc79bd/32.png) [@Kenm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kenm)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/17 "2015-05-06T03:11:28Z")
My father never visited his parents’ graves, nor those of his dead brothers and sisters, on Mother’s Day or any other. I know of only one grave site belonging to his immediate family (other than his), a brother. Well, I know the cemetery. My mother never visited her mother’s grave, as far as I know. She never mentioned doing so, anyway. She visited my father’s once with me, and that was for practical reasons; she rejected having me photograph it, unless I wanted it. I didn’t. I have no clue where my maternal grandfather’s body is buried. I was never told and I never knew him. The chances that my grandmother visited his grave are vanishingly slim. This wasn’t for lack of respect. It simply wasn’t important. I’m awash with family photographs going back to 1884 or 1886 on my mother’s side and to about 1910 on my father’s, so it’s not as though any of them hated any of the others. I doubt any of them would be concerned that I’m continuing the grand family tradition of not visiting their remains. I’m sure, though, that Mother’s Day/Father’s Day merchants would love to include the dead. Bigger boats. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/18 "2015-05-06T04:54:40Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I’ve always felt that visiting a person’s grave site isn’t a thing period. After the first couple of years, who really does that? > > This is the reason I’m not going to burden my family with the hassle of an expensive grave site. either cremation or donation for me. > > Although, after reading this thread, maybe more people do it than I had originally thought. It’s definetly a thing in my family – we always make sure to plant flowers on our family’s graves. In fact, it’s quite common with a lot of people. ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/19 "2015-05-06T06:52:31Z")
I’m not aware of anyone in my immediate family ever visiting a grave, except to put someone in it. Make of that what you will… ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350/20 "2015-05-06T14:55:18Z")
> [@Aspidistra](#): > > I’m not aware of anyone in my immediate family ever visiting a grave, except to put someone in it. Make of that what you will… We’re pretty well scattered across the country. But this pretty well describes my immediate and 1st-level extended family as well. I have remembrance of the various deceased people when I happen to think of them. I’ve never been big on “Official Hallmark-sponsored Holidays®™©” of any nature. Even for folks who like Hallmark Holidays®™©, given that most of us have more dead extended relatives than live ones, converting Mother’s or Father’s Day from a celebration of the living to one overshadowed by the dead seems pretty backwards to me. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-visiting-your-deceased-mothers-gravesite-on-mothers-day-a-thing/719350.md?page=2)