# Is watching over my female relatives as they leave the house sexist? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 11, 2009, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429 "2009-10-11T20:42:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/1 "2009-10-11T20:42:45Z")
Here’s the sitch: As mentioned in other threads, one of my brothers came into town this weekend for my father’s birthday. I decided Friday to throw a family dinner Saturday, which required me to use a mixer for the mashed potatoes. As my estranged wife took the mixer when she left, I called to ask to borrow it. When she came over she asked if she could stay for the dinner, because she likes Dad. As she has not yet filed for divorce, and as I don’t want one, I said sure; thus she was at the house all day helping cook. The dinner party was fun–positively unRhymerish in its dearth of drama. People started going home around 10 o’clock; the last person to leave did not do so until midnight. As the our sisters, nieces, and female cousins left, my brother and I did what we always do: walked them to their cars and watched as they drove off. My wife was among the last to leave, as she volunteered to do the dishes. As she was getting ready to leave, she told me that she didn’t need or want me or my brother to walk her out. She feels smothered by such behavior, she says, adding that it’s inherently sexist; she wishes I would change. Has she a point? ---
**Author:** ![Huerta88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/82dd89/32.png) [@Huerta88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Huerta88)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/2 "2009-10-11T20:48:27Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > As she was getting ready to leave, she told me that she didn’t need or want me or my brother to walk her out. She feels smothered by such behavior, she says, adding that it’s inherently sexist; she wishes I would change. > > Has she a point? No. She’s either (1) professionally unpleasant and unhappy; and/or (2) looking for excuses to justify her walking out on a good guy. No brainer, happy to be of help. ---
**Author:** ![Huerta88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/82dd89/32.png) [@Huerta88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Huerta88)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/3 "2009-10-11T20:51:24Z")
By the way, if she says she’s leaving you, she needs to leave you. She doesn’t get to hang out with you and the in-laws, assuage her conscience, etc. She likes your Dad? Too bad, she can go over to his house, or she can pay the price of her leaving you, which is she doesn’t get to hang with your cool relatives. ---
**Author:** ![Ruken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f475e1/32.png) [@Ruken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruken)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/4 "2009-10-11T20:54:18Z")
If you only do this with female relatives, then yes, it is sexist. Many people are big fans of sexism though. It seems that she isn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/5 "2009-10-11T20:58:13Z")
I’m inclined to think she has a point. Nevertheless, I would venture that most women are not particularly bothered by this, and some appreciate it. I don’t normally accompany unescorted women visitors to their cars, but I do watch from my doorway until they’ve entered their cars and I’m satisfied that all is okay. This would probably not be an option at an apartment, but usually is feasible at a house. It’s less smothering than going outside with them. You could always ask “Shall I walk you to your car?” and let each lady choose whatever suits her. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/6 "2009-10-11T20:58:15Z")
As with so many male/female courtesies common in the 1960s and before, they had their origin in the male-dominated sexist era. Whether they are courteous today is 100% a matter of opinion of the recipient. And collectively, recipients’ opinions range from hating your filthy MCP guts to thinking it’s considerate for her legitimate safety to thinking it’s outmoded but chivalrous & romantic. There is no right answer. The relationship between you and your wife being what it is, she seems to be looking for reasons to dislike you & all your behaviors. That’s not an audience yuo’re gonna win over. Nor one you should take as representative of society at large. Hence your question. My anecdotal data point … As a male, I’ve done it, but only in those times & places where problems semed possible. Leaving a bar & walking 1 block to a parking structure at 1am? Sure. Leaving my house in uber-cozy suburbia & walking 30 feet across my lawn to her car at the curb? Wouldn’t occur to me. ---
**Author:** ![kasuo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8c91f0/32.png) [@kasuo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kasuo)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/7 "2009-10-11T21:00:03Z")
Nah you shouldn’t stop even if she is right. It’s what you do. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/8 "2009-10-11T21:02:09Z")
Yes, it’s sexism but it is the good kind of sexism that women tend to like and even insist on. Your wife wanting to divorce you might have a little to do with her reaction. ---
**Author:** ![Huerta88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/82dd89/32.png) [@Huerta88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Huerta88)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/9 "2009-10-11T21:10:23Z")
“Sexism” is as often as not a prettier synonym for “free floating female discontent that’s existed since Salome.” Oh I have another free tip for you, today’s free tip day: “smothered” is in almost every instance a synonym for “you no longer make me tingle and I’m going to come up with some vague emoto-babble phrase that dresses that up and that you’ll be at a loss to respond to.” If I considered that your conduct were, arguendo, “sexist” (it’s not, in a world where women get snatched off the street, stuffed into walls, etc. considerably more than men do), it is about a 0.8 on the FU Richter scale. She has handed you a magnitude 7+ FU by WALKING OUT ON YOUR FREAKING MARRIAGE. Are you going to entertain for one second feeling bad about your mini- to non-FU in view of that? Don’t play into that BS for a minute. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/10 "2009-10-11T21:22:24Z")
I’m torn on this. In a way, yes, it is sexist. OTOH, men (as a whole) are stronger and more assertive than women (as a whole), and therefore, doing what you describe in the OP is not out of line. In another way, some women would complain (it wouldn’t be me, but hey, I’m gettin’ old), citing ‘sexism’. In yet another way, if this has _always_ been the tradition in your family, and yet she elected to stay (indeed, invited herself) and _then_ complained about something she _knew damn well_ was traditional, that she had never complained about before, well, either she kept her mouth shut a ton of times she shouldn’t have, or she’s picking nits because she’s basically pissed. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/11 "2009-10-11T21:25:49Z")
> [@Huerta88](#): > > in a world where women get snatched off the street, stuffed into walls, etc. considerably more than men do Actually, men are more likely to be crime victims than women. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/12 "2009-10-11T21:50:18Z")
Huerta88, I’m sure you’re intending to be helpful, but if you could not turn this into a discussion of my wife that would be great. (Admittedly I rather invited that by phrasing the OP as I did; I should have simply said that one of my relatives objected.) Neither of us have filed for divorce, and we’re trying to work together to save the marriage, and that’s all I’m saying on the subject. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/13 "2009-10-11T22:07:42Z")
I suspect that your ex-wife’s statement has less to do with perceived sexism and more to do with not feeling comfortable being alone with you. To answer your question, yes it’s sexist, but most women probably wouldn’t be bothered with it in most situations. It would only bother me if there were negative tension between me and the guy, and I said “no, I can walk myself to my car just fine, but thanks” and the guy still insisted on it as if he knew better than me. This seems to be the likely case with your ex-wife. Maybe she thought you were going to expect some display of affection at the end. A hug, a kiss, a lingering stare, an attempt to hold hands. She didn’t want that, so her refusal to have you walk her to her car was actually a refusal of intimacy. Just curious: With this habit of walking women to their cars, is this gesture offered to them ("hey, want me to walk you to your car, ladies?) or is it the default assumption that you’re going to walk with them (“You’re about to leave? Okay, let me go get my coat so I can see you to your car”) with no query as to whether it’s desired in the first place? If it’s the latter, I can see how this could get irritating. I’d just as rather slip out of the house unnoticed than deal with the “to-do” of having other a man escort me out. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/14 "2009-10-11T22:44:26Z")
Its a bit patronizing if you insist on walking only women down the driveway to their car in a safe neighborhood. If you live in a sketchy neighborhood, and would walk any person to their car, it certainly isn’t sexist. At the end of the day though, it doesn’t matter why she doesn’t like it, or whether your reasons are sexist or not, or whether she was irrationally and/or emotionally invested in the issue. She asked you to stop, why on earth would you continue? Out of spite? ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/15 "2009-10-11T22:45:17Z")
I think it’s sexist and paternalistic unless you live in a particularly dangerous area that takes the combined efforts of three people to get someone safely into their car (maybe one to keep lookout and run distraction, and a tank to hold attackers off if they get through, while the would-be driver makes a break for it). Maybe your wife wants to be more independent and do things herself, for herself. Like get into her car on her own. Hmm, that sounds snarky, and I don’t mean it to. It’s a trivial thing, really. You probably just think of it as a courtesy. But I think your wife is giving you a pretty major hint as to something that bothers her in your relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/16 "2009-10-11T23:01:54Z")
Yes, it’s sexist, but not necessarily negative unless the person doesn’t wish to be accompanied, in which case it’s patronizing and insulting if you continue to insist upon it in light of her discomfort. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/17 "2009-10-11T23:06:00Z")
Y’know what? The days of her getting to shape your behaviour in any way, are past. Your house, your hospitality, you should do what makes you comfortable. If that means you don’t do this for her, out of respect for how she feels, fine. If you still want to do it, just watch her from the house/a distance. ---
**Author:** ![Haunted](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/898d66/32.png) [@Haunted](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Haunted)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/18 "2009-10-11T23:36:49Z")
I don’t think it’s sexist and I’ve been a feminist since I was 11. Particularly in answer to your question - Is watching over my female RELATIVES as they leave… I would be very surprised if my father or brother or any male relative of mine who is not a child did not see me to my car at night. I know they care about me and want to make sure I am safe. That’s part of what family is about, after all. I would also appreciate it if a man who is not related to me expressed the same concern for my well-being. I think it shows that he is thoughtful, courteous, and polite. I would not consider it discriminatory or insulting. Definitions of “sexist:” [define: sexist - Google Search](http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=define%3A+sexist&aq=f&oq=&aqi=g2) ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/19 "2009-10-11T23:46:39Z")
I think it’s nice to do it if the person wants you to, but they expressly say it’s not necessary, then you should respect their wishes, just as if you felt you could handle a task (let’s say carrying something out to the car) and someone just decided to grab it out of your hand and do it for you. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429/20 "2009-10-11T23:47:55Z")
If it’s not a particularly sketch neighborhood (ESPECIALLY if you’re in the burbs and she’s parked in the drive or right on the street), if I were her I would personally find it a bit paternalistic and possibly see it as an attempt by you to have ‘alone time’ for whatever agenda (it’s a standard way of getting alone time when you’re dating, right?) This might piss her right off. If OTOH you’re way up in a building of flats or she’s parked 5 blocks away in the city it’s a different situation. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/is-watching-over-my-female-relatives-as-they-leave-the-house-sexist/513429.md?page=2)