# ISO advice for dissuading a family member from visiting **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 17, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758 "2010-03-17T15:51:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/61 "2010-03-17T20:03:29Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > I was aiming for the “portray yourself as having irreconcilable issues and thus, oh so regretfully, having to decline.” I can see that. Although the irreconcilable issue I’d have is “You can stay here, but then I’ll get very stabby.” ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/62 "2010-03-17T20:03:51Z")
The key to doing assertive is tone. If you get snippy, even for a second and no matter how richly deserved it is, you lose your unassailable position. You want brisk cheerfulness with just a tinge of mild regret. Think the second-grade teacher sorting out the seven-year-old who just told her he’s gonna marry her and they can have babies. ‘No, Eddiechipwhateveryournameis, that’s not going to work. Because. Because it’d be lovely, but it’s just plain impossible. Because.’ Etc. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/63 "2010-03-17T20:08:38Z")
The thing is, as eclectic wench says, these people really are like second graders in that they’ve never been told no and just assume they can take. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/64 "2010-03-17T20:18:34Z")
My recommendation would be to type out your response to his request well ahead of time. Have it saved as a word document. And when you get his next Facebook request, just cut, paste and send. Don’t agonize over every word, don’t respond to his direct request. Just post your “I’m sorry, but I’m not able to host your family.” and hit send before you have a chance to chicken out. StG ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/65 "2010-03-17T20:22:41Z")
> [@picunurse](#): > > A similar thing happened to me with a long lost half-brother. When he called to say he wanted to bring his wife, kids, dogs and green cigars, I told him I was in the middle of packing to move to Australia. Then, I got an unlisted phone number. Was it in Australia? 🙂 [sub]An extra layer of protection![/sub] ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/66 "2010-03-17T20:56:28Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > My recommendation would be to type out your response to his request well ahead of time. Have it saved as a word document. That’s a fantastic idea. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/67 "2010-03-17T21:01:18Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > He thought the sound of the cats eating was annoying so he hid their food bowls every day when we went to work. !!! Wow, this is some epic loser-dom! He’s lucky he’s not a deep sleeper. Cats would only wait a few hours before they start munching on his corpse. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/68 "2010-03-17T21:14:32Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > My recommendation would be to type out your response to his request well ahead of time. Have it saved as a word document. “It looks like you’re writing a family brush-off letter. Would you like help?” ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/69 "2010-03-17T21:36:26Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > I actually just did something like this with my cousin. He has always been a bit of a flake and a weirdo but he is family so I let him stay at my place for a few days while he interviewed with a school in the area. He stayed out all hours of the night even though he knew we had work every day. He never paid for his own food and actually complained that we had no food in the house, even though we did have food, we just didn’t have instant food in cans or packets. You actually had to cook it to make it edible and to him that equals no food. He sure had money for beer though and wanted to know if you can get weed delivered to your home in NYC. He complained that “the man” wants to force him to get a job and that is why he is trying to get into grad school so he can avoid working and waxed poetic about becoming a farmer if he is forced to work despite never having planted so much as a flower in his life. He thought the sound of the cats eating was annoying so he hid their food bowls every day when we went to work. I told him that while I was happy to see him again that we realized in the future he can’t stay with us. He keeps a schedule that prevents us from functioning in our day to day lives and he would be much better off staying in a hotel in the future. He wasn’t happy about it but he will get over it in time. I’m reasonably certain that I would be in such a hurry to get rid of this person that I would forget my manners and escort him directly off my third floor deck. ---
**Author:** ![LunarPlexus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@LunarPlexus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LunarPlexus)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/70 "2010-03-17T21:42:16Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > “It looks like you’re writing a family brush-off letter. Would you like help?” Good lord, that was funny! ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/71 "2010-03-17T22:24:12Z")
> [@fluiddruid](#): > > If it was by email, I’d wait a few weeks and say “I’m sorry, but this won’t be possible. Sorry for the delay, it’s been very hectic here lately. If you decide to visit Boston anyway, please let us know how we can reach you at your hotel; I can probably free up time to meet for a lunch or dinner, if you’d like.” Sorry for the hijack, but thanks for this, **fluiddruid**! I have to respond to my niece’s whack-a-loon grandmother and tell her that no, I don’t want to have lunch with her. This was an excellent template for my email: _“Dear Mrs. Whackaloon: I’m sorry, but it won’t be possible for my husband and I to meet with you. Sorry for the delay, it’s been very hectic here lately. If you do decide to visit Jackson sometime, if you will let us know when, Niece can probably free up time to meet you for a lunch or dinner, if you’d like.”_ Perfect !! ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/72 "2010-03-17T23:07:02Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > “It looks like you’re writing a family brush-off letter. Would you like help?” _cough_guffaw_snort_cough_snort_snort_cough_ (I’m sick in bed with a virus) Too funny! ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/73 "2010-03-17T23:07:04Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Oh, and one more thing. Say everything goes according to plan, and he comes to town, and not on your dime, and somehow agrees to meet you somewhere for dinner. > > 1. Do not be going home right after dinner. I mean, even if you are, don’t tell him that. Tell him you are going out and mean it or they will follow you home. > 2. Set a strict time limit to visit with them. Say, 2 hours. After two hours you simply must go because of the expected appointment. > 3. Do not be afraid to recruit Mr. Motorgirl to help you. Have him chime in at the correct moment and say, “Sweetheart, we really should be going, we have to meet Bill at 7:30” or whatever. If he asks who Bill is just say “A friend.” > > Never, ever give any details that he can stick a wedge into. And make sure that you only bring enough money for you and the Mister. Otherwise, he’ll stick you with the whole check. ---
**Author:** ![Motorgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e36b37/32.png) [@Motorgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Motorgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2010, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/74 "2010-03-18T01:24:34Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > “It looks like you’re writing a family brush-off letter. Would you like help?” Praise the Dope, once again, for squeezing hilarity out of an anxiety-ridden situation. ETA - this is exactly what I needed to feel better about the situation! ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2010, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/75 "2010-03-18T02:31:16Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > “It looks like you’re writing a family brush-off letter. Would you like help?” That won’t work for us. I’ll be happy to give you the phone numbers people who would like help. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2010, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/76 "2010-03-18T03:10:02Z")
This is your cousin? Well, of course, what you do is call your mother, who will then call _his_ mother, who will let him know, in a discreet way… oh, wait- this is _your_ family, not mine…😛 ---
**Author:** ![luv2draw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@luv2draw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/luv2draw)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2010, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/77 "2010-03-18T03:50:44Z")
> [@Motorgirl](#): > > He contacts me by Facebook messages, and calls my cell phone frequently. Since I am not picking up the phone (I am odd about talking on the phone - I don’t like to do it, so I only pick up a call if I am expecting it or it is a support call from work) his only communication channel to me is Facebook. Good idea on the delays in responding. Facebook is your only contact? Easy peasy. Just un-friend him. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2010, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/78 "2010-03-18T05:07:02Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > This is your cousin? Well, of course, what you do is call your mother, who will then call _his_ mother, who will let him know, in a discreet way… oh, wait- this is _your_ family, not mine…😛 That’s what I do. If you’ve got a family grapevine to contend with, might as well use it for your own nefarious purposes. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2010, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/79 "2010-03-18T15:04:52Z")
Dear Cousin Chip, I’m so looking forward to your next visit! Your last trip did have a wonderful outcome in that it opened my eyes to the wonder of religion. I guess I’d always known I was a Cecilist, but until you showed me how the Internet (espcecially YouTube) can be used as a spiritual conduit, I never realized how strongly I felt. I’m awfully glad you’re planning on bringing the family. Since your visit we’ve had the entire house wired to pipe in the hourly Zotties that are required listening and experiencing for all members of the faith. Through constant exposure, your lucky children’s minds will be opened and prepared to receive ultimate wisdom. (Oh, don’t worry if they might fuss — to keep costs down I simply subscribed to one feed and it’s directly sent to every room; they won’t be able to listen to anything else.) Staying here will be such a treat. We’ve also taken in a lovely black family (all seven as devoted as we are), so meals and daily prayers are such a cosy joy. Oh, meals — we’ve since switched to an all rice diet supplemented with a few pieces of raw fish. That won’t be a problem, will it? The daily prayers only last four hours long, but since it takes a an hour or so to walk to the Holy Place, it does feel like it lasts long enough. Let me know when you’ll be arriving — all our indoor time requires the wearing of special garments (visiting during the cooler months might be better, since burlap tends to chafe), and I’ll need to order sets for your entire family a few weeks in advance. I just can’t wait to share our new faith and lifestyle with you (oh, did I tell you about the group colonics?). Looking forward to sharing, Cuz ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2010, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/80 "2010-03-18T18:26:08Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > “It looks like you’re writing a family brush-off letter. Would you like help?” Win. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758.md?page=5)