# ISO advice for dissuading a family member from visiting **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 17, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758 "2010-03-17T15:51:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/81 "2010-03-19T07:28:05Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > “It looks like you’re writing a family brush-off letter. Would you like help?” Lovely! Not sure I’d say “brush” off exactly, but the same idea. 🙂 Now sell this good idea to Microsoft and make profit. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/82 "2010-03-19T07:36:43Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > And make sure that you only bring enough money for you and the Mister. Otherwise, he’ll stick you with the whole check. Hmm, might even be worth paying for his dinner, in the hope that he would then stay away from you, for fear of having to reciprocate. Oh wait, this guy has no manners or social sensitivity at all. Right, forget that one. Is Bad Plan. You _could_, if necessary, arrange for someone to call you on your cellphone to alert you to a great emergency or to remind you of the mythical pre-arranged meeting. BUT you will not need that, will you? Because you are NOT going to let this horrible person come to visit, are you? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/83 "2010-03-19T08:06:16Z")
Oh man I’m glad we’re all Dopers and not Cecilists! That sounds like a lot of work! Reading the OP all I could think about was cousin Eddie as well. Motorgirl I’m glad you’re in Boston. I have a … delivery… I need to pick up, and I need a place to stay that’s not on the map i.e. hotels. It’ll be just me, and several black garbage bags that you needn’t concern yourself with. I’ll only be out there a few days, it’ll be fun. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/84 "2010-03-19T08:35:32Z")
> [@Motorgirl](#): > > He now wants to bring his whole family to visit - wife and three kids - because visiting Boston is “so cheap!” My brother would gloat about how going to Glasgow was so cheap, haha, he could do it any time, haha. He shut up when I pointed out that, while letting him sleep in my guest room didn’t cost me any money (in fact, that was why I had a guest room, for guests to use), the Spanish Ham I’d been saving for months and he devoured for his first breakfast would have cost me [this much] to replace, would he like to pay for it? I had specifically bought the kind of things he eats for breakfast at home, and the… brat (can you call a 32yo man a brat?) had gone and killed my stash. 400g of serrano in one seating, when he normally won’t even touch the stuff :mad: Right now I’m having interviews for two possible projects: one here in Scotland, which would involve a risk of my extremely-freeloading mother coming to visit, and one in Seville with no risk of a visit. How sad is it that I see that as a HUGE bonus on the Seville project? ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/85 "2010-03-19T13:11:41Z")
Back when I owned a home, my BIL came up for Christmas dinner. As he took the tour of our modest, but comfy home, I saw his eyes light up at the big guest room. I knew we were in trouble. Within 2 weeks, he had called my husband to ask if he could stay with us for a few weeks while he looked for a new place to live. Next thing I know, I’ve got BIL living in my house, using my crystal bowls to mix up his peas and yogurt with a fork, leaving blenders full of peanut butter and tofu in my sink, and never washing a dish or emptying a trash can. After coming home to a house full of fireman (BIL thought he smelled gas - in reality he had put something plastic on a lightbulb and it had melted), waking up to near-frozen pipes (he decided to turn the heat off since he was going away for the weekend - even though we were still there) and never being able to get on my own computer (not because he was looking for a place to live or a different job, but because he was entering sweepstake contests) - I finally gave my husband and him an ultimatum: either he moves out, or I cut off BIL’s arms and legs and shove them down his vegetarian throat. I have to say, though, that that one horrific experience has made me much more upfront about shutting off unwanted visitors. It was 4 months of torture, but it was a lesson well learned. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/86 "2010-03-19T13:37:28Z")
When I want to seem polite, I tend to add a nice gesture at the end. So I’d be more likely to do what has been suggested, but then offer to help him find the best (or cheapest or whatever) hotel. Or something like that. The idea is that it’s hard to be mad at someone who is doing you a favor. ---
**Author:** ![a35362](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@a35362](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a35362)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/87 "2010-03-19T15:53:53Z")
This guy is too self-centered to _have_ feelings to hurt. Don’t worry about him! And I bet the Christian stuff is a socially acceptable cover for his stupid behavior, that allows him to get away with stuff. ---
**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/88 "2010-03-19T16:16:59Z")
THIS works, just drop a line like this: “Dear Scumbag relative: we all enjoyed your recent visit. However, we are a little short of money now, so I have to ask you to help us with our electricity bill. If you could send us $1200.00 (no personal checks, please), we’d be grateful…and look forward to seeing you!” You won’t have any more problems. ---
**Author:** ![a35362](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@a35362](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a35362)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/89 "2010-03-19T16:22:21Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > …my cousin. He has always been a bit of a flake and a weirdo but he is family so… If you ever find yourself saying/thinking something along these lines, stop. You’re in trouble already. Loved your post, BTW… and so did my co-workers! 😃 Jeez, what a character! ---
**Author:** ![fluiddruid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fluiddruid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fluiddruid)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/90 "2010-03-19T16:44:00Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > Sorry for the hijack, but thanks for this, **fluiddruid**! I have to respond to my niece’s whack-a-loon grandmother and tell her that no, I don’t want to have lunch with her. This was an excellent template for my email: > > _“Dear Mrs. Whackaloon: I’m sorry, but it won’t be possible for my husband and I to meet with you. Sorry for the delay, it’s been very hectic here lately. If you do decide to visit Jackson sometime, if you will let us know when, Niece can probably free up time to meet you for a lunch or dinner, if you’d like.”_ > > Perfect !! Hey, no problem. Whatever I can do to drive families apart. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/91 "2010-03-19T17:43:19Z")
**Motorgirl** , try this: 1. Select the text in your OP. 2. Copy it. 3. “Accidentally” paste it into your Facebook page. 4. Give up Facebook for the rest of Lent\*. \*I note that you state you are an atheist. If you don’t know when Lent ends, just stay away from Facebook until the chocolate bunny ears at the CVS pharmacy go on sale at 50% off. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/92 "2010-03-19T19:01:37Z")
> [@Motorgirl](#): > > Plus he made a few comments that were overtly racist… > > How do I gently but firmly let him know that there will be no more visits to Chez Motorgirl? Without really telling him the unvarnished truth? See, this is the point where I really don’t mind telling people the unvarnished truth. “I didn’t realize when we agreed you could stay here the first time that you were racist. That’s simply unacceptable to us. There will be no future visits.” ---
**Author:** ![Motorgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e36b37/32.png) [@Motorgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Motorgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/93 "2010-03-19T19:27:06Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > **Motorgirl** , try this: > > 1. Select the text in your OP. > > 2. Copy it. > > 3. “Accidentally” paste it into your Facebook page. > > 4. Give up Facebook for the rest of Lent\*. > > \*I note that you state you are an atheist. If you don’t know when Lent ends, just stay away from Facebook until the chocolate bunny ears at the CVS pharmacy go on sale at 50% off. Raised as an atheist in the Christian tradition - meaning we celebrated any Christian holiday that involved candy (Easter, Christmas, Flag Day, etc). Besides, I already chose what to give up for Lent. I heard that you’re supposed to give up something you love, so I gave up Jesus for Lent. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/94 "2010-03-19T19:52:39Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > See, this is the point where I really don’t mind telling people the unvarnished truth. “I didn’t realize when we agreed you could stay here the first time that you were racist. That’s simply unacceptable to us. There will be no future visits.” I know. Not always that easy for everyone, though. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/95 "2010-03-19T20:13:48Z")
Oh my god, I forgot to tell you the worst thing my cousin did while he stayed with us! It was so horrible I had pushed it out of my head in hopes to never be that embarrassed again. We took him out to dinner to a lovely little German place where the food is delicious and they have a huge mural on the wall of green, rolling hills dotted with cottages and castles. The castles are paintings of actual castles located in Germany. He took a look around and loudly asked, “Hey, why isn’t Hitler in their mural? He was an important part of German history!”:smack::eek::smack::eek: We quietly explained that this is not an appropriate thing to ask when the place is full of actual Germans (and my Jewish fiance) but he didn’t understand why asking about adding Hitler to the mural of all the wonderful things in Germany was inappropriate. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/96 "2010-03-19T20:19:10Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I know. Not always that easy for everyone, though. Got a lot easier when we adopted our Korean son. And now its such a pleasure that I wonder why the hell I spent the first 30 years of my life varnishing for those who didn’t deserve it. ---
**Author:** ![banjoDavid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3d9bf3/32.png) [@banjoDavid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/banjoDavid)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/97 "2010-03-20T01:27:15Z")
I’M REMINDED OF A NEW YORKER CARTOON Robert Mankoff from 1993 A man is looking at his calender in his office “No, Thursday’s out. How about never- is never good for you?” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758/98 "2010-03-20T03:19:54Z")
This is so easy. Chip: “Blah-blah-blah-we’re coming over…” You: “Sorry, Chip, that won’t work for us.” Chip: “Blah-blah-blah…” You: “Sorry, Chip, that won’t work for us.” Chip: “Blah-blah-blah…” You: “Sorry, Chip, that won’t work for us.” Chip: “Blah-blah-blah…” You: “Sorry, Chip, that won’t work for us.” Chip: “Blah-blah-blah…” You: “Sorry, Chip, that won’t work for us.” Chip: “Blah-blah-blah…” You: “I gotta go now. Take care.” \ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/iso-advice-for-dissuading-a-family-member-from-visiting/532758.md?page=4)