# "It was a really bad ring"
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [January 14, 2009, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219 "2009-01-14T05:20:46Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/41 "2009-01-14T16:45:50Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> Jewelry isn’t about having something to look at, it’s about having something to show off. Gemstones also do not involve any kind of artistic or human expression. They’re just objects of status.
Wow, I am a crazy design fan and I love jewelry as artistic expression. I will not argue that jewelry has a long history as a status signifier, but I don’t think that one aspect precludes the other. It can indeed be beautiful to look at as art. Even though it’s not your thing, you can’t objectively declare that jewelry isn’t artistic.
---
### Author:  [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/42 "2009-01-14T16:48:15Z")
[Shrug] All shiny rocks look the same to me. I don’t even know what people mean by “taste” in diamonds. I can’t tell any difference besides size.
---
### Author:  [@tim314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim314)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/43 "2009-01-14T16:48:47Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> Jewelry isn’t about having something to look at, it’s about having something to show off. Gemstones also do not involve any kind of artistic or human expression. They’re just objects of status.
For _some_ people, maybe. But that’s certainly not true of everyone, probably not even a majority. If jewelery is about status, then why do so many people buy cheap jewelery? I’m not talking fake diamonds, I mean the _obviously_ inexpensive stuff. The answer is that jewelery is in general just a way of enhancing your appearance, no different than wearing makeup, or nice clothes, or getting a haircut, or shaving or whatever.
With an engagement ring, of course, it’s about more than appearance, it’s also a “symbol of your love”. Some people would roll their eyes at that, but there are plenty of people who take it seriously. If I were to ask my wife what she likes about her ring, I’m pretty sure the answer would be some mix of “It makes me think of you”, and “it’s pretty.”
Also, I know plenty of people who would never want a _humongous_ diamond ring (although such rings are more expensive, and thus convey higher status). And yet, they love their smaller diamonds. Clearly, it’s not about status.
By the way, gemstones are cut by humans, and that’s a form of artistry, if not “art” per se. But even if they sprung out of the ground with a perfect cut, that wouldn’t mean they lack real aesthetic value. A sunset has aesthetic value, even though it’s not something a human artist made.
---
### Author:  [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/44 "2009-01-14T16:50:23Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> Ok, so how many people here would make sure, or have made sure that their stones are Canadian?
>
> If you had a choice between a Canadian rock that failed to meet your “tastes,” or a conflict diamond (or even a diamond of unknown origin) which was something you liked, which one would you choose?
My sister did make sure, for what that’s worth.
I didn’t have a choice (well, I suppose I did, but it would have caused its own issues) in my ring, though my now-husband was considerate enough to propose without a ring and wait for my input. He knows I hate jewelry on me, so we were going to figure out on our own what to get; I was leaning towards a teeny-tiny solitaire so it was unobtrusive. Some time after the announcement, his mother surprised him with the news that his deceased paternal grandmother had said before her death that she wanted him to have her engagement ring for his future fiancee.
It really was the opposite of anything I would have chosen for myself (pretty big diamond, ornate setting), but it was an heirloom so at least I didn’t have any moral qualms about conflict diamonds or DeBeers. The setting is very artistic and unique, and to those who know anything about jewelry both the diamond’s cut and the style of the setting place it at the time period in which it was made, so it broadcasts a bit of its history to those who know such things.
My father-in-law did try to pressure my husband to get me to sign a pre-nup over the ring, which made me laugh. (We didn’t sign one.) And a few years back I did overhear FIL griping to one of his daughters how he’d rip it off my finger if we got divorced; the next comment about that gets it thrown in his face.
I treasure the wedding band, which we bought together and was much more what I think of when buying jewelry (it cost less than most video games). The baggage that came with the engagement ring kind of turned it into a “bad ring”. It’s quite lovely and all, but my husband and I are already discussing plans to hand it off to our (college-age, now) nephew, perhaps, when he picks out a special someone.
It might just be me, but I really don’t think about the rings that I wear. I guess something gigantic and clownish might bug me just because of being awkward to wear or constantly flashing at me, but I barely notice them. I’m sure it’s just my attitude towards jewelry, and someone who’d been looking forward to the magic moment of the one-knee proposal with the little box containing The Perfect Ring (which also fits perfectly) might well be horrified, as might those who love the artistic appeal of a well-formed bit of jewelry.
---
### Author:  [@tim314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim314)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/45 "2009-01-14T16:52:08Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> I can’t comprehend wanting to marry a girl who thinks jewelry has any importance.
Yeah, but the difference is I didn’t call your wife shallow for _not_ liking jewelry. You’re the only one in this thread who felt the need to insult people just because they don’t share your taste or your views on which obviously non-essential purchases are worth making.
---
### Author:  [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/46 "2009-01-14T16:57:40Z")
What I was calling shallow was the inclination to _reject_ a proffered engagement ring because it doesn’t meet the recipent’s high standards. There’s wearing jewelry because you like it (not my thing, but whatever), and there’s thinking it matters whether a gift offered as a token of committment and love matches the recipient’s “wants and needs.”
---
### Author:  [@tim314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim314)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/47 "2009-01-14T16:58:59Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> All shiny rocks look the same to me. I don’t even know what people mean by “taste” in diamonds. I can’t tell any difference besides size.
Well, clearly you haven’t spent much time looking at rings. Which is hardly surprising, since your wife doesn’t like jewelry. But if you _had_ spent much time looking at them, I think you’d pretty readily see that there is a wide variation in styles of rings (both in the band itself and in how the stone is set in the ring), and as for the stones, they can be cut into a wide variety of different shapes. In my experience, most women care a lot more about the cut and setting of their ring then they do about how many carats it is.
For what it’s worth, I agree with you that the people who say things like “I’ll only marry him if he gets me at least a two carat ring” are pretty damn shallow. I have heard people say things like that before, but in my experience at least that kind of attitude is the exception, not the rule.
---
### Author:  [@PotLuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PotLuck)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/48 "2009-01-14T17:02:05Z")
IIRC you can buy “loaner” engagement rings from some jewellers: you purchase a ring to present to your SO with the pre-arranged intent to return to the store to exchange that ring for one of her choice. Is anyone else familiar with that option?
---
### Author:  [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/49 "2009-01-14T17:04:44Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> What I was calling shallow was the inclination to _reject_ a proffered engagement ring because it doesn’t meet the recipent’s high standards. There’s wearing jewelry because you like it (not my thing, but whatever), and there’s thinking it matters whether a gift offered as a token of committment and love matches the recipient’s “wants and needs.”
I haven’t seen anyone here say that they would turn down an engagement because of the ring alone, but I have seen people who have exchanged the ring for something more to the bride’s tastes. And it absolutely does matter that such a large, important gift match the recipient’s wants and needs. If my fiance proposed to me with a ring that paid absolutely no mind to my “wants and needs” then it’s probably an indicator that he is not willing to compromise or consider the needs of anyone other than himself in the relationship.
You put a great deal of importance on the “wants and needs” of your wife by not getting a ring. How is this any different?
---
### Author:  [@tim314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim314)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/50 "2009-01-14T17:06:12Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> What I was calling shallow was the inclination to _reject_ a proffered engagement ring because it doesn’t meet the recipent’s high standards. There’s wearing jewelry because you like it (not my thing, but whatever), and there’s thinking it matters whether a gift offered as a token of committment and love matches the recipient’s “wants and needs.”
Well, when you go on about how it’s “a stupid thing to spend money on”, and how it’s “profoundly immature to attach any value to it”, and “aren’t there better ways you could derive self-esteem”, then I think it’s not hard to see why I would read it as more general condemnation of jewelery owners. But since you say that’s not what you meant, I’ll take you at your word.
---
### Author:  [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/51 "2009-01-14T17:08:16Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> [Shrug] All shiny rocks look the same to me. I don’t even know what people mean by “taste” in diamonds. I can’t tell any difference besides size.
And I can’t tell the difference between a $50 Cognac and a $500 Cognac, but I don’t shrug off people who can.
And would I spend more or choose an ugly diamond over my ideal stone that’s a conflict diamond? Fuck yeah! I make those kind of choices every day trying to live as ecologically green as I can and eating my organic veggies.
Not that a diamond is an issue for me because neither of us particularly care for gemstones, or gold, so our engagement is ring-free.
Now quit threadshitting.
---
### Author:  [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/52 "2009-01-14T17:09:36Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> Your boyfriend sounds like a real doormat.
>
> That’s basically what my wife did say (only she said it preemptively .. “Don’t waste money on a ring. I’ll return it if you do”), but you didn’t say you’d trade it to save the money, you said you’d trade it for another ring. That’s not about being sensible or selfless, it’s about telling a guy his gift isn’t good enough.
Wow, so being considerate enough to want me to be happy with something so important makes him a doormat? I’d rather be with someone who actually cares what I think and wants me to be happy than an asshole who can’t handle a discussion about something as important as an engagement ring.
---
### Author:  [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/53 "2009-01-14T17:13:29Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#):
>
> I haven’t seen anyone here say that they would turn down an engagement because of the ring alone
The OP did – at least she said she would trade it in. That’s the same thing. Even complaining about it is tacky.
---
### Author:  [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/54 "2009-01-14T17:15:49Z")
> [@pbbth](#):
>
> Wow, so being considerate enough to want me to be happy with something so important makes him a doormat? I’d rather be with someone who actually cares what I think and wants me to be happy than an asshole who can’t handle a discussion about something as important as an engagement ring.
There’s nothing important about an engagement ring.
---
### Author:  [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/55 "2009-01-14T17:18:52Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#):
>
> Now quit threadshitting.
The OP asked for an opinion in the opinion forum. To wit: she asked this question:
> [@](#):
>
> Men, how would you feel if your soon-to-be fiance said she didn’t like the ring?
The answer is that I would feel that she was shallow enough that I’d have to reconsider the engagement. How is it threadshitting simply to offer a minority opinion in a thread asking for opinions?
---
### Author:  [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/56 "2009-01-14T17:23:11Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> The answer is that I would feel that she was shallow enough that I’d have to reconsider the engagement. How is it threadshitting simply to offer a minority opinion in a thread asking for opinions?
It’s threadshitting because you are calling people who believe in, what is for many, a culturally and symbolically important gift “shallow,” “superficial,” and just generally being holier-than-thou about your opinion.
---
### Author:  [@anu-la1979](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anu-la1979)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/57 "2009-01-14T17:24:31Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> I don’t especially care about any of that stuff either, but diamonds are even lamer, not just because of the child slave thing, but also because they’re so utterly useless. At least electronics serve some sort of function. Jewelry serves none. It’s a profoundly immature thing to place any importance on. I feel the same way about the idiots with the big gold chains and giant, honking dollar sign pendants, by the way. Engagement rings have no more inherent class or dignity.
Real gold holds its value. It’s actually a better decision than buying a diamond.
Anyway, I’m amazed food has no importance to you. Are you completely 100% subsistence lifestyle? Why are you so hung up on diamonds when there’s plenty to be said about agribusiness and the plight of migrant farmerse?
I agree with your larger point about consumerism, especially when it risks ones financial healthiness but I feel that you’re being willfully ignorant of certain facts. There are multiple sources of ethical diamonds out now and people are frivolous in different ways, including you probably.
And I really really fail to see the point of upgrading to Iphone 7.0 if it creates mounds and mounds of trash.
---
### Author:  [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/58 "2009-01-14T17:28:19Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> There’s nothing important about an engagement ring.
Unless it acquires value by belief. The same way almost everything else acquires value.
---
### Author:  [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/59 "2009-01-14T17:37:06Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#):
>
> The answer is that I would feel that she was shallow enough that I’d have to reconsider the engagement. How is it threadshitting simply to offer a minority opinion in a thread asking for opinions?
Offering the opinion once would be OK (although still a bit obnoxious). Hijacking the thread to argue about the immorality of engagement jewelry is rude. Start a new thread if you want to discuss that related but separate topic.
---
### Author:  [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)
#### Post date: [January 14, 2009, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219/60 "2009-01-14T17:42:32Z")
My husband surprised me with a diamond engagement ring because he thought that was the expected thing to do. I was pleased, and of course wanted to marry him regardless of whether he bought one or not, or whether I liked it. He took care to buy a good quality stone, although it is not especially large. I hated the setting from the moment I saw it. It’s not un-tasteful or in any way inappropriate, just not to my liking. I’ve worn it for over 40 years.
A couple of years ago I asked him if he’d be offended if I had the stone re-set in another setting, especially since after all these decades the band is starting to thin a little bit. He said, sure, go ahead. I just haven’t felt like spending the money to do it, though.
Together with my wedding ring it’s usually the only jewelry I wear. Sometimes I wear another ring on my right hand. I love pretty gems, but bracelets, necklaces and earrings are not comfortable for me, and besides, I can’t see them!
Personally, I think too many people get to worked up over material things related to engagements and weddings. Isn’t the important thing spending your life with someone you love?
[Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219.md?page=2)
[Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-was-a-really-bad-ring/481219.md?page=4)