# "It would mean a lot to me if you were there." I fundamentally don't get it. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 13, 2014, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993 "2014-07-13T14:39:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/81 "2014-07-14T17:29:43Z")
No, obviously you can’t leave your older two in charge of the younger two. But they are old enough to not need as much intense supervision and also are old enough to help with “could you get the toy from where the baby threw it?” or “can you please grab me a washcloth” or whatever. I’m sure that managing 4 kids is still not a thrill ride (I have 3) but it’s not unreasonable to ask someone to occasionally bring them out to an event the way it would be if they were all under age 6 or whatever. That’s all I was curious about. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/82 "2014-07-14T17:31:52Z")
Makes sense. You’re right they’re ages don’t make it particularly unreasonable. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/83 "2014-07-14T17:38:56Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Thank you, but again, I have never taken a book to one of these events. Oh yeah? Well, how do you explain [this](http://i.imgur.com/H0NWsL7.jpg)? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/84 "2014-07-14T17:41:53Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Oh yeah? Well, how do you explain [this](http://i.imgur.com/H0NWsL7.jpg)? Okay but in the pic you can clearly see that I AM watching the game. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/85 "2014-07-14T17:43:09Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > I just want to make sure it’s clear, never at any point was there any question that I go (and will continue to go) to these things. > > I just don’t fundamentally grasp the mindset that _cares_ whether I go. Well, for what it’s worth, I’m more like you. Although I’m not involved in anything at the level that your wife is, I run in the occasional race. I don’t ask my husband to attend, just like I didn’t ask my parents to attend track meets back in junior high. I don’t know why - just the way I am I guess. I live my own life and allow others to live theirs. I do totally get that other people are for the most part more inclusive and want to share their lives with others, so I work on being sensitive to others’ preferences. If I were smarter I’d have recognized this ‘feature’ of my personality before I got married. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/86 "2014-07-14T17:43:57Z")
If no one is getting what you’re saying, or constantly misunderstanding you, the problem isn’t on our end. That means you aren’t communicating properly. > [@Frylock](#): > > And the “suffering” came from the particular circumstance of one of the kids being sick this morning. > > **Guinistasia** didn’t really read the post before she responded to it. Okay, having a sick kid THIS time, that’s one thing. I highly doubt your wife would be upset if you stayed home in such circumstances. But you make it sound like it’s a huge imposition every time you go. > [@keturah](#): > > Oh, she read it, she just has no frame of reference to even comment. It is a shame that she doesn’t recognize her own limitations. Oh please. Obviously watching the kids (and I’m not talking about this particular time, duh) isn’t THAT big of a problem, if he’s capable of reading a fucking book. (Of course, then again, what the fuck do I know? It’s not like, you know, I’ve ever been to events with kids, or interacted with them at all, or know any parents, or whatever) ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/87 "2014-07-14T17:47:25Z")
Even though you don’t understand you should at least go to her games once in a while and don’t bring a book it is really rude. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/88 "2014-07-14T17:49:08Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > Even though you don’t understand you should at least go to her games once in a while and don’t bring a book it is really rude. (Was that on purpose?) ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/89 "2014-07-14T17:52:55Z")
Besides, don’t they kids enjoy it? “Hey, look Mommy just scored!!!” ---
**Author:** ![Bozuit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@Bozuit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bozuit)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/90 "2014-07-14T18:16:45Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > If no one is getting what you’re saying, or constantly misunderstanding you, the problem isn’t on our end. That means you aren’t communicating properly. > > … > > Oh please. Obviously watching the kids (and I’m not talking about this particular time, duh) isn’t THAT big of a problem, if he’s capable of reading a fucking book. I’m not entirely sure it is **Frylock** failing in communication here. > [@Frylock](#): > > Thank you, but again, I have never taken a book to one of these events. > [@Frylock](#): > > That passage was written as part of a hypothetical situation not involving bringing kids. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/91 "2014-07-14T18:30:30Z")
I’m not just talking about the book – however, he gave the impression that he did indeed bring books. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/92 "2014-07-14T18:37:11Z")
OK, but he has since said that he definitely doesn’t, so while we can probably agree that that part of the OP was not well-thought-out, he has since clarified it more than adequately. ---
**Author:** ![Sterling\_Archer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Sterling\_Archer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sterling_Archer)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/93 "2014-07-14T18:37:50Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > **Go. Watch her. Don’t bury your face in a book the whole time. Mention to her afterwards specific things you saw her do that were noticeable or impressive. I know you don’t give a shit about watching her sport. But you give a shit about her, and this is what we do for the people we love**. Exactly. THIS is what she cares about, that you care. Showing up is like the minimal level of care, but if you can demonstrate more care, she will appreciate it and it is what she really craves from the person she loves. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/94 "2014-07-14T19:14:25Z")
You have fundamentally missed the point. This is not just a sporting event, it’s a social event. she has a husband of whom she is (presumably) proud, and four children she would like to show off. She will be surrounded by people from far and wide who are a part of her extended social network, and she wants them to see her loving family cheering her on. So get it in gear, and make sure the kids comb their hair, and take plenty of pictures. Send the pictures and a small write-up to your local paper and any club or sport newsletters that she reads. Make sure the whole hurling world knows that she has a lving husband and family. This will go a long way toward preventing any hurling guys getting confused and hitting on your wife, so consider it a worthy investment. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/95 "2014-07-14T19:43:31Z")
That’s another point I hadn’t thought of, **TruCelt**. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/96 "2014-07-14T20:05:28Z")
I think you both are not working as a team here. To me, it seems that she’s being unfair in sighing that “it’s your call” as to whether to attend when one of the kids is sick; it’s her child too, and she needs to take ownership of the situation and be part of crafting a solution. On the other hand, you’re being unhelpful in bottling up your irritation and griping to us instead of talking to her. I get that couples don’t necessarily have to talk _everything_ out, but this seems to have risen to the level where it’s worth doing so. Otherwise, I think sooner or later one of you is going to blow up at the other. One other thing: It’s hard to tell from the original post whether the irritation is just arising from this one incident where the sick child makes everything more difficult, or if there is a certain amount of resentment already building up over the course of previous events. There’s a certain amount of grandiosity in the OP, and that’s understandable in this context; you’re venting. But if you do talk to your wife about this, I think it’s probably more productive to talk not in terms of what “people” do that annoys you, but rather to make it just about the interaction between you and her. And to do so most effectively, I think you need to be clear in your mind whether you’re OK with the arrangement in general but need some slack when there are unusual complications, or if the whole setup is wearing you down. One last thing: > [@Frylock](#): > > …she makes it known that it would be really, really gratifying to her if I were to bring come too… This seems above and beyond the call of duty. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2014, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/97 "2014-07-14T21:28:40Z")
> [@puddleglum](#): > > The inconvenience is the whole point. > Think of it like jewelry. If all jewelry meant was just shiny metal you could use aluminum instead of silver or platinum. You could wear your shiny baubles for a fraction of the price and use the rest on something you would enjoy. . . . Many of us actually prefer “costume jewelry” to the real stuff. Some of it is so good, only an expert can tell the difference. And, meanwhile, 1/10th the price gets you 10 times the bling! Win! But, yes, you’re very right. The point is that loved ones are gratified and rewarded when their lovers make a sacrifice for them. It makes them able to make a sacrifice in return. It builds togetherness. ---
**Author:** ![Arabella\_Flynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8491ac/32.png) [@Arabella\_Flynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arabella_Flynn)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/98 "2014-07-16T01:35:18Z")
I’m a bit late to the party, but try this alternate logic on for size, **Frylock** : She wants you to be there so that when she does something she thinks is particularly awesome, she can receive confirmation that you, a person whose opinion she highly values, also thinks she has correctly assessed this thing she just did as particularly awesome. You’re supposed to show up and not read a book for the whole game, because if you’re not there/not paying attention, she can’t trust she’s getting accurate feedback. She wants you to give her properly-informed confirmation that she is indeed awesome, and that you appreciate her awesomeness. Telling her without going to watch is essentially telling her that you have blind faith in her, which, although nice in some contexts, here indicates that you are not an accurate gauge of objective awesomeness. I have no idea if that’s the actual reasoning, but it sounds like it might be something that might make more sense to you. The sacrifice angle is also probably accurate. I have a particularly codependent friend who operates on that exact logic, only backwards: He is loath to tell anyone about anything he’s doing solely and entirely for his own benefit, because someone might inconvenience themselves to come see it, and he would rather gnaw his own ears off than let anyone think he thinks himself that important. Yes, he has a therapist, and yes, I do tell him when, in my opinion, he’s being a dumbass. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![EllisDee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellisdee/32/4531_2.png) [@EllisDee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EllisDee)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/99 "2014-07-16T03:47:07Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > The OP is not asking “should I go and if so why,” it is asking, “why does she want me to go, especially under circumstances described herein.” Very different questions. The answer to that question is “because she’s a normal human person.” ---
**Author:** ![BetsQ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@BetsQ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BetsQ)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2014, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993/100 "2014-07-16T16:23:41Z")
I sympathize, Frylock. At one point in college, I was on a varsity team and also participated in a sports-related organization. At one meeting, there was a discussion about how to get more people to come to games. I was dumbfounded, because it had never before occurred to me that other people _actually wanted_ an audience. I would always prefer to compete in complete privacy. (I did an individual sport.) Even now, 20 years later and in a different sport, I’m always a little confused when other adults bring family members to events. For the record, I’m neither particularly introverted nor extroverted, and I have reasonably good people skills. I just am not interested in performing for others. In fact, I would tread carefully before attending someone else’s event on the assumption that having people watch would make it less fun for them. Obviously, people differ on this front. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/it-would-mean-a-lot-to-me-if-you-were-there-i-fundamentally-dont-get-it/692993.md?page=6)