I have exactly what you’re looking for. Guaranteed to give the results you want, and it even comes with a certificate of authenticity!
if you didn’t fall on your head so much as a kid and get extra lumps, then it woulld be accurate.
A set of three plastic cylinders. You were supposed to be able to cook spaghetti and frozen vegetables by boiling water and then adding it to the food, in the cylinder. Does. Not. Work.
Not even a little. It does wet and warm the spaghetti enough to make it stick together in a sodden, but still crunchy, mass.
I bought a pair of Minnetonka Moccassins in January. I’ve got a wide variety of shoes to choose from and didn’t wear these much in the winter time, but they have gotten some more wear since March. In those three months, the nubs on the back are completely worn down and the leather has started to fray. I remember back when those shoes would last a lot longer.
Glass nail files. Two of them – one from Revlon, one from Ulta (store brand).
Real glass nail files have a rough side etched into the glass so the roughness is permanent. These had some sort of rough grains glued to one side of a smooth piece of glass, so they were useless from the moment you used them. They couldn’t even file one fingernail a little bit – the first bit of pressure rubbed the rough bits right off the glass. Total garbage.
Agreed. I bought a set of Skil battery-powered tools for a couple hundred bucks. The drill crapped out after about six months of light use. The circular saw is okay if you don’t try to cut anything bigger than a piece of 1" trim. I remember when this company made decent stuff, but apparently not any longer. Now I stick pretty much to DeWalt.
A bottle of shampoo with the only english word being fruit! The rest of the bottle is covered in kanji and a picture of an apple.
It doesn’t produce suds, but is grossly thick and green like green boogers. I often have to use two applications to actually have cleansed hair free of oil.
Remember kids it is cheap for a reason!
My wedding dress.
I needed a very light, airy, inexpensive dress for my August wedding under the Las Vegas sign. I ordered one online from Le Chateau (I think it was supposed to be a prom dress or something, worked perfectly for me) for about $285 total. Wore it ONE DAY. Took it to the consignment store as soon as I got back (because I’ll never wear it again, might as well let someone else enjoy it) and the girl at the shop noticed the material had worn and pilled at one spot on the chest. The spot on the left side where my arm was while I held my bouquet all day.
One freakin’ wearing of a $250 dress.
A magnetized, mirror device to help me hitch my camper without either a helper or having to get in and out of the car a dozen times trying to line up the ball and receiver. The mirror was too small to make out the hitch assembly, but that was moot because the mirror would not tip down far enough to reflect the hitch assembly. Completely useless. (I finally spent the money on a camera device, which works perfectly first time every time…)
On Friday I bought a pair of shoes that fit fine on my test walk up and down the aisle, but as soon as I actually wore them for more than 5 minutes, they chafed my little toe and heel. 
I love love love slushes, so I imported a couple of these slush mugs. They’re supposed to make a slush in 5-10 minutes with some stirring. Yeah right. More like pour liquid in, stick in the freezer for another hour. If I have to wait an hour for my slush I’m just going to drive to 7-11.
A wireless all-in-one printer from a major manufacturer. Rarely if ever woke upon attempting to print even after I set up a static IP address; sometimes the job would just get lost and show up 4 days later. Consumables (inkjet cartridges) I swear had about a 25 page lifespan. The fax portion broke within a year. Items fed through the document feeder, for scanning / copying, had a dark streak down them (I finally fixed that by half-disassembling and cleaning the roller apparatus).
Scanning didn’t work more than a handful of times, after which the scanner wouldn’t contact the computer. Then for a while I could scan by initiating it from the computer - a page at a time (no batch scanning). Then it simply quit entirely.
The desktop software worked, then quit working - despite at least 30 hours spend uninstalling / reinstalling it per every suggestion I could find on the manufacturer’s website.
I finally replaced it with a laser printer and have been MUCH happier (aside from the power flickers when it starts up). The laser printer is, needless to say, from a different manufacturer as I’ve sworn never to purchase from the bad printer’s manufacturer ever again.
By contrast, we have a much older (as in 10+ years old, maybe 12-13 or so) inkjet from the same manufacturer, and it’s still working like a champ. It still chews up the consumables but not nearly as fast. Yeah, it isn’t wireless, but it WORKS (and we can use it via printer sharing from the desktop it’s attached to).
Ok, so the problem was that one didn’t suck.
My wife’s phone, a Samsung Epic 4G. Even Sprint employees, trying to be diplomatic, say stuff like, “Yeah, that one’s…not my favorite.”
My doc wrote a scrip for cough syrup with codeine without me even asking for it.
Unfortunately, I’m in the teeny minority of those who get insomnia as a codeine side effect, instead of being knocked out. 
It did stop the coughing, though.
That’s odd, I have that exact model and it works perfectly. Did you leave it in the freezer overnight before use? It does take some time to get it cold enough, but once the core feels solid to the touch it will easily make slush of anything I pour in (Except diet soda, for some reason.) in just a few minutes.
Yeah, “begging for” opiates is likely to be counter-productive, for some strange reason.
I’d say the Slap Chop, but as far as you know I’ve never bought one. During the infomercial.
My Dyson. Sucks like no vacuum I’ve had before. Also great at picking up hair and is super easy to clean (which doesn’t suck at all). Yes, I know the vacuum sucking joke’s been done already, but seriously, I love my Dyson. 
Shark Steam Pocket. My Amazon review: