# Its a Columbia, MO dopefest, and you're invited! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 31, 2003, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165 "2003-07-31T16:56:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/81 "2003-08-22T16:38:45Z")
Pssst… **misstee** …it just occurred to me that with **withaK’s** combat training, he might be able to squash us like bugs. Are you worried about this? :: **sperfur** adds “extra padding for under the pool 'o pudding” to her shopping list:: ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/82 "2003-08-22T17:04:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sperfur \* > Pssst… **misstee** …it just occurred to me that with **withaK’s** combat training, he might be able to squash us like bugs. Are you worried about this? Army combat training doesn’t include fighting in a pudding environment, so I believe you’ll have the home field advantage there. Bananas, however, are similar in size to bayonets, so I’d watch out if **withaK** manages to get hold of one of these deadly tropical fruits. You might want to consider pineapple chunks instead. ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/83 "2003-08-22T17:13:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Horseflesh \* > **Army combat training doesn’t include fighting in a pudding environment, so I believe you’ll have the home field advantage there.** You assume I’ve wrestled in pudding before…how did you know? ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/84 "2003-08-22T21:17:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Horseflesh \* > \*\*Bananas, however, are similar in size to bayonets, so I’d watch out if **withaK** manages to get hold of one of these deadly tropical fruits. You might want to consider pineapple chunks instead. \*\* I know for a fact that **withaK** knows how to [defend against a banana](http://www.jumpstation.ca/recroom/comedy/python/banana.html). I’m also very highly offended that you’re worried about withaK, but that I’m some sort of puddin’ wrestlin’ creampuf’. Granted, he could kick my ass too, but still. [sub]How did we get from earwax and butter to butterscotch pudding with bananas?[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/85 "2003-08-22T23:57:38Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Wikkit \*\*\* > How did we get from earwax and butter to butterscotch pudding with bananas?_\* It was all **Horseflesh’s** fault. Except for the bananas part - that was **Marlitharn’s** idea. I take responsibility for none of it. 😃 :: **sperfur** skips away, quite sure she convinced _someone_ she didn’t start this flirt:: ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2003, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/86 "2003-08-23T00:49:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sperfur \* > \*\*You assume I’ve wrestled in pudding before…how did you know? \*\* Hollywood has made it quite clear that all women are taught to wrestle in pudding, mud, and hot oil (but not all mixed together) sometime after their 18th birthday. There are just too many movies supporting this fact for me to believe otherwise. Besides, you had some butterscotch pudding on your ear lobe at KC before you washed it off in the fountain attempting to get your t-shirt wet. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wikkit \* > \*\*I’m also very highly offended that you’re worried about withaK, but that I’m some sort of puddin’ wrestlin’ creampuf’. Granted, he could kick my ass too, but still. > > [sub]How did we get from earwax and butter to butterscotch pudding with bananas?[/sub] \*\* Creampuff wrasslin’ is an entirely different sport, enjoyed by the same crop of people that watch Jerry Springer and race turtles. It’s not about who kicks who’s ass, but how much pudding you can get on yourself. The real enjoyment of puddin’ wrasslin’ is after the match when the loser has to lick the winner clean. Besides, who wants to wrassle in earwax butter? That’s just gross. It looks like the Great Ashland Bananas-n-Butterscotch 2003 Championship MegaWars are shaping up nicely. Anybody else wanna sign up? ---
**Author:** ![corndog\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@corndog\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corndog_man)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2003, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/87 "2003-08-23T05:38:30Z")
What in the hell is a “dopefest”? Why do I want to stay in the house of a stranger? In Missouri? Are the people in the dopefest dopers? Dopeheads? Dopeslopes? Will there be dope there? What is the purpose of all this? ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2003, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/88 "2003-08-23T05:50:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by corndog man \* > \*\*What is the purpose of all this? \*\* The purpose is to wrestle in pudding with two cute guys. Haven’t you been paying attention? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2003, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/89 "2003-08-23T05:53:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by corndog man \* > \*\*What in the hell is a “dopefest”? Why do I want to stay in the house of a stranger? In Missouri? > > Are the people in the dopefest dopers? Dopeheads? Dopeslopes? Will there be dope there? What is the purpose of all this? \*\* You may not want to go to one without knowing all the details of what goes on at these things. I can’t reveal all the events at an average Dopefest here, but most including the following: - alcohol consumed in great quantities - orgies - ritualistic shaving of one another’s naughty bits - sacrifice of some kind (usually chickens, but if we can get our hands on a pig, that’s even better) - the naked run - usually ends with the performance of Zarathina the Wide and her Donkey of Love These things ROCK! ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2003, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/90 "2003-08-23T05:55:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by corndog man \* > Why do I want to stay in the house of a stranger? In Missouri? Because no one in the other 49 states invited you??? ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2003, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/91 "2003-08-23T19:19:58Z")
I don’t know which dopefests **Crunchy Frog** ’s been attending but here is an overview of our last fest: - Introductions all around, identifying newbies for future use - Gorging Roman-style on our food and watching our servants fight each other for table scraps - Posing for a “Last Supper” picture after the feast - The Fondle Hour - Salad wrestling (not as much fun as pudding) - Drawing a newbie’s name from a hat for sacrifice to the Horrible Toilet Volcano - Double elimination Crisco Twister tournament - Ending the fest with an all night whipped cream and fresh fruit orgy FYI, SDMB members are also called Dopelings, Dopettes, Doperinos, or the fantastical Dope-a-Lope-a-Ding-Dong. ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2003, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/92 "2003-08-23T20:21:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sperfur \* > \*\*The purpose is to wrestle in pudding with two cute guys. Haven’t you been paying attention? 😛 \*\* Where are you going to find two cute guys at a dopefest? ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2003, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/93 "2003-08-23T21:15:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wikkit \* > \*\*Where are you going to find two cute guys at a dopefest? \*\* We’ll probably have to import them from abroad, like California or Florida. They’ll be your stunt doubles in the pudding matches. By the way, **Wikkit** , did you get the tiny disposable camera I sent you [to take discreet pictures on your upcoming drive to MO](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&postid=3867720#post3867720)? ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2003, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/94 "2003-08-23T23:11:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wikkit \* > \*\*Where are you going to find two cute guys at a dopefest? \*\* Are you implying I need new glasses? 'Cuz I just ordered 2 boxes of contacts and I’d hate to have to throw them away… ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2003, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/95 "2003-08-24T01:15:55Z")
I have a real idea for the dopefest. Lets make up a gay scholarship, or say there’s going to be a gay union or something, and try to get Phelps to protest it. It would be funny to have people protesting the actual fest, rather than being down the street during the fest. Plus, if they’re there, they can’t be anywhere else. ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2003, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/96 "2003-08-24T01:24:56Z")
You’ve lost me. Who is Phelps? ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2003, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/97 "2003-08-24T01:48:15Z")
You know, I’ve been saving up to buy a name brand clue from the actual Clue Store - they’re awfully expensive. I bought a few knock-off clues at the Dollar Tree a few weeks ago, but they don’t work very well. What did I expect? They were 3 for $1.00. ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2003, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/98 "2003-08-24T02:07:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sperfur \* > \*\*You’ve lost me. Who is Phelps? \*\* Don’t even get us Topekans started on Fred Phelps. His [web site](http://www.godhatesfags.com). WARNING - severely anti-gay propoganda at that link. Hmmm. Looks like the site is down. Good, I hope it’s permanent. [Google’s cache of the web site front page.](http://216.239.39.104/search?q=cache:6zbIxG60EugJ:www.godhatesfags.com/+&hl=en&ie=UTF-8) Same warning as above. CJOnline (Topeka Capital-Journal newspaper website) has a fairly comprehensive page or articles with a mini-bio they did back in 1994. [Linky](http://cjonline.com/webindepth/phelps/). ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2003, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/99 "2003-08-24T04:02:19Z")
Oh, this dude has some _nifty_ views. According to his letter to Topeka, you also cannot divorce and remarry, women can’t be preachers, God doesn’t love everybody (only a select few) and unless you’re one of the select few God does love, you might as well forget it - your not going to heaven no matter what you do. And he’s re-written the definition of sodomy. Goody. When’s he gonna run for president? ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2003, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165/100 "2003-08-24T04:25:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wikkit \* > \*\*I have a real idea for the dopefest. Lets make up a gay scholarship, or say there’s going to be a gay union or something, and try to get Phelps to protest it. It would be funny to have people protesting the actual fest, rather than being down the street during the fest. Plus, if they’re there, they can’t be anywhere else. \*\* I like how you think **Wikkit**. If we advertise this as a dope “gay divorced and remarried women preachers only” fest we can surely attract him. While he is protesting us sinners, we can kick back with a cold beer. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-a-columbia-mo-dopefest-and-youre-invited/192165.md?page=6)