# It's been over a month since my wife died. Too soon to start dating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2017, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289 "2017-07-14T23:04:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2017, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/1 "2017-07-14T23:04:13Z")
I’m a prig of a prescriptivist, so of course it is. But when will it stop being tacky? I’m 63, with some health issues I’m working on. Co-worker is 45ish and a 2x cancer survivor. In recent months I’ve lost a lot of weight and this week, after mourning, detox, and a hospitalization following a DT-based seizure, I’ve begun to take better care of myself. Wednesday she said, “Hey, you’re looking really good!” “You do realize that, after an appropriate period of time and I get some of my stuff back together, I will be asking you out.” “And I will be waiting.” “I wasn’t joking.” “Neither was I.” A brother could do a lot worse, and I don’t care what my family or that of my late wife think, but sometimes I think I should. Advice? ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2017, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/2 "2017-07-14T23:08:15Z")
I’m sure you’ve heard the rule of thumb to not make any major decisions within a year of losing a partner. I think it’s a sound rule. So yes, too soon. Wayyyyy too soon. mmm ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2017, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/3 "2017-07-14T23:09:50Z")
What the hell are you waiting for? A gold-plated invitation? GET IN THERE! ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2017, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/4 "2017-07-14T23:28:33Z")
I don’t think anyone can answer that but you. But be prepared for everyone to be critical no matter how long you wait. Patton Oswalt’s wife died 16 months ago and people are giving him shit about his new relationship, saying it is too soon. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Tee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Tee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tee)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2017, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/5 "2017-07-14T23:29:52Z")
Hmm. There’s 20 different conflicting thoughts in my head. The simplest is “Companionship is a good thing.” Please make sure its a good thing. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2017, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/6 "2017-07-14T23:39:49Z")
An old friend of mine actually got married within a week of burying his wife. I tried not to be judgemental. He was divorced before the year was out. So, yeah, take your time. When you’re ready, you won’t have to ask anyone if it’s too soon. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2017, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/7 "2017-07-14T23:41:08Z")
Why not just do what feels right? I don’t think there’s any moral or ethical reason you should wait to start dating again, unless you just don’t feel comfortable. It’s probably not healthy to jump right into a \*serious \*relationship so soon, so don’t co-sign her mortgage for at least a few more months. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2017, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/8 "2017-07-14T23:41:15Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > I’m sure you’ve heard the rule of thumb to not make any major decisions within a year of losing a partner. I think it’s a sound rule. > > So yes, too soon. > > Wayyyyy too soon. > mmm Er, going on a date is not that kind of a “major decision.” Moving in together, getting married…now THOSE would be the kinds of things one should not do in the first year. Dropzone, it is entirely up to you and NO ONE should judge you, including yourself. My uncle actually started dating again before my aunt died. She had some rare form of hereditary dementia and was completely, irrevocably out of it. She had no rational thought left and zero recognition of any people around her; the only reason I’m not describing her as a “vegetable” is because she still had physical mobility. While she was slowly dying in a long-term care facility, he had a loving relationship for quite a number of years with a really cool woman. My mother (sister of my aunt) was rabidly opposed and had nothing but vicious things to say about my uncle. Given that she practically worshiped her sister, I can understand that it was very hard for her. But I didn’t judge my uncle and was glad that not only did HE have added happiness and fulfillment in his life, she did as well. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2017, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/9 "2017-07-14T23:42:35Z")
Forgive me for not remembering what you’ve shared of your wife’s death, but the longer she took in dying, the sooner you should start dating. This is because if you knew she was going to die long before the fact you worked your way through much of it before she actually died. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/10 "2017-07-15T00:01:51Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > But I didn’t judge my uncle and was glad that not only did HE have added happiness and fulfillment in his life, she did as well. Oops, missed edit window. That last sentence is potentially ambiguous. By “she,” I mean the lovely woman my uncle dated, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/11 "2017-07-15T00:06:00Z")
I’m with **burpo**. It’s a done-deal. Why stall? ---
**Author:** ![stillownedbysetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@stillownedbysetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stillownedbysetters)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/12 "2017-07-15T00:18:59Z")
It took me 18 months to consider dating, and another 6 months beyond that before I really enjoyed the dates. But it has been my experience that most men are usually ready to date sooner than most women, so what was right for me might be an unconscionably long period in your case. If you feel ready, then you probably are, and if the co-worker you mention is attractive to you, then carpe diem. BUT, i echo the advice of others to keep things casual for a while and not to rush into anything serious. The widowed you is a different person than the married you, and you need to take a little time to get to know that person. He may want different things than the old you did. I know that turned out to be true in my case. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/13 "2017-07-15T00:27:16Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > Forgive me for not remembering what you’ve shared of your wife’s death, but the longer she took in dying, the sooner you should start dating. This is because if you knew she was going to die long before the fact you worked your way through much of it before she actually died. She was very ill for three years. She spent the first five+ months of 2017 dying. We had been virtually separated, with me living in the basement, since 1998. I have been lonely for a long time, but we got a bit closer in recent years. I told Friend about all that late last Fall, and that I had a bit of a crush on her. It didn’t seem reciprocated until now. I am nowhere near ready for a full-bore relationship. I just want some cuddling while watching TV for now. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/14 "2017-07-15T00:34:30Z")
> [@stillownedbysetters](#): > > The widowed you is a different person than the married you, and you need to take a little time to get to know that person. He may want different things than the old you did. I’m enjoying getting to know him. He went out and bought five plaid shirts because for years he received nothing but shit for liking them. And I have had several women tell me how good I’m looking now that I’m taking better care. I’m enjoying that and am in no rush for anything, except getting back on a bicycle. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/15 "2017-07-15T01:17:29Z")
> [@stillownedbysetters](#): > > The widowed you is a different person than the married you, and you need to take a little time to get to know that person. He may want different things than the old you did. I know that turned out to be true in my case. Perfect advice in my case as well. It took me about 9 months to work through the heaviest portions of my grief and get used to the new me. A grief gestation, I guess. But we’re all very different. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/16 "2017-07-15T01:17:51Z")
Get back on the bicycle. Have fun. It’s nobody’s business but yours. Go. Be free. Fly, bird, fly. (are you still here?) ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/17 "2017-07-15T01:38:37Z")
Yeah, it’s dark and my tires are flat. It’s been a few years. ---
**Author:** ![snowthx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowthx/32/10660_2.png) [@snowthx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowthx)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/18 "2017-07-15T01:54:41Z")
Grieving does not always start when someone dies, and there is no finish line. Everyone does it differently, and there is no right way to do it, and no required length of time. It sounds like you have already grieved, and said goodbye, a while ago. If you are ready to move into the next phase of your life, why wait? My mom died in 2008, and a few months later dad started dating (he was in his early 70s - his dream of becoming a “condo cowboy” coming true). It was enough time for him. He met a nice lady and they spent a lot of time together. I was happy for this - there is no reason for someone to be alone (unless they want to be). He died in 2011 - but spent the last few years of his life happy with someone. You never know what will happen, or when. I say, do what your heart is telling you to do. We don’t have a lot of time here. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/19 "2017-07-15T02:43:03Z")
A friend’s, and neighbour of mine, wife died very unexpectedly after a brief illness 20 years ago. He started dating another woman within months. They are still together and now have three very grown children. Some of us were a little taken aback at the time, but time has proved us wrong. Only you know what’s right, and to hell with what others think; it’s your life. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/20 "2017-07-15T02:52:15Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > She was very ill for three years. She spent the first five+ months of 2017 dying. We had been virtually separated, with me living in the basement, since 1998. I have been lonely for a long time, but we got a bit closer in recent years. > > I told Friend about all that late last Fall, and that I had a bit of a crush on her. It didn’t seem reciprocated until now. I am nowhere near ready for a full-bore relationship. I just want some cuddling while watching TV for now. If that’s what you want, go for it. When you’re ready for more than cuddling, you’ll know if it’s right. Go for that, too, and don’t worry about what other people think. Only two people’s wishes matter, yours and the lady’s. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289.md?page=2)