# It's been over a month since my wife died. Too soon to start dating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2017, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289 "2017-07-14T23:04:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/21 "2017-07-15T02:54:39Z")
About the same age also with health issues. Mileage varies widely but even though I can’t imagine life without my wife, I cannot see me going past 6 months the grieving widower. I imagine I would begin at least some sort of casual relationships before a year was gone. As for a serious one, I think that I would have to wait and see. ---
**Author:** ![Trafalgar\_Laura](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trafalgar_laura/32/2907_2.png) [@Trafalgar\_Laura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trafalgar_Laura)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/22 "2017-07-15T02:57:28Z")
I can’t absolutely answer this question without some kind of brain scan of you to know your thoughts and emotional state. But if you feel you’re ready, and she’s up for it… as long as you aren’t under the impression it absolutely must lead to marriage, why not? You deserve joy in your life as much as anyone else. Even if it doesn’t go somewhere long-term, it might be a good help in transitioning to a new life. I’m sorry for your previous loss, and hope the future brings you happiness, with this woman or with whatever life brings you. And cuddling while watching TV sounds lovely for just about anyone. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Little\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Pig)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/23 "2017-07-15T03:17:07Z")
Hey Turd. After I got married 21 years ago I never looked at another woman twice. My wife is the woman of my dreams. If she died, I would continue to hold her face in my heart for an eternity. Looks like you got married for all the wrong reasons, Prick. Go buy yourself a dog. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/24 "2017-07-15T03:25:26Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > She was very ill for three years. She spent the first five+ months of 2017 dying. We had been virtually separated, with me living in the basement, since 1998. I have been lonely for a long time, but we got a bit closer in recent years. OK, so this is confusing. If you were “virtually separated” for almost 20 years, why wait? Sounds like you became friends again in the last few years, but do you feel like you were actually married during that time? It doesn’t sound like it. My only advice would be to deal with the drinking problem and make sure that doesn’t get in the way of new relationships. Do you feel like that’s under control, or that getting involved with someone might help you get it under control? Just be very careful if you start dating someone with a similar problem, is all. ---
**Author:** ![Newtosite](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/newtosite/32/8623_2.png) [@Newtosite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Newtosite)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/25 "2017-07-15T03:30:32Z")
I have a feeling the above post from Little Pig is going to draw some comments…😕 dropzone, I don’t see that it’s anyone’s business but yours and the woman’s. Do what makes you both the happiest! ---
**Author:** ![skdo23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@skdo23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/skdo23)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/26 "2017-07-15T03:54:35Z")
> [@Little\_Pig](#): > > Hey Turd. > > After I got married 21 years ago I never looked at another woman twice. My wife is the woman of my dreams. If she died, I would continue to hold her face in my heart for an eternity. > > Looks like you got married for all the wrong reasons, Prick. > > Go buy yourself a dog. Reported. This is just wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/27 "2017-07-15T04:10:38Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > I’m sure you’ve heard the rule of thumb to not make any major decisions within a year of losing a partner. I think it’s a sound rule. My friend, the minister, who used to work with a lot of old people, and widows, and familes of people who had died, took the other view. His opinion was that widows were entitled to look for comfort in a meaningful relationship, and were entitled to do so when they needed it most – ie, immediately after the death of their partner. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/28 "2017-07-15T04:39:41Z")
> [@Little\_Pig](#): > > Hey Turd. > > After I got married 21 years ago I never looked at another woman twice. My wife is the woman of my dreams. If she died, I would continue to hold her face in my heart for an eternity. > > Looks like you got married for all the wrong reasons, Prick. > > Go buy yourself a dog. Got three. We like the same shows but they are lousy conversationalists. Got married cuz it seemed like a good idea at the time. And it was, for twenty years. Stuck it out for the kids, inertia, and then she got sick. I am happy for your happiness. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/29 "2017-07-15T04:58:29Z")
> [@skdo23](#): > > Reported. This is just wrong. That was seriously wrong. We all only have one go round on this ball of crap. If your goal isn’t happiness you are living wrong. If that means for you to be single and cherish your partner until you die and that makes you happy then you go and you do that and I hope you are happy. But if you wanna get out there and find a new partner to spend your days with on this rock flying through space then you go and do that and I hope you are happy. If a friend of mine said I found a new partner and they make me happy I wouldn’t judge or care how long it had been since their last partner had passed. I would be happy for them. So, **dropzone** , the only right answer is if it makes you happy then do it. Time is a relative bullshit son-of-a-bitch anyways. Your month is many generations of lifetimes to the Mayfly. ---
**Author:** ![Trafalgar\_Laura](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trafalgar_laura/32/2907_2.png) [@Trafalgar\_Laura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trafalgar_Laura)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/30 "2017-07-15T05:12:42Z")
> [@Little\_Pig](#): > > Hey Turd. > > After I got married 21 years ago I never looked at another woman twice. My wife is the woman of my dreams. If she died, I would continue to hold her face in my heart for an eternity. > > Looks like you got married for all the wrong reasons, Prick. > > Go buy yourself a dog. My wife and I already agreed, if something happens to the other, we hope that the remaining partner will be happy. By themselves, with someone else, whatever happens. I love her and if she found love after me I’d be happy for her still. From the afterlife, if it exists. If not… well, heck, I still hope she’ll be happy. I think this is reasonable. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/31 "2017-07-15T05:20:56Z")
> [@Little\_Pig](#): > > Hey Turd. > > After I got married 21 years ago I never looked at another woman twice. My wife is the woman of my dreams. If she died, I would continue to hold her face in my heart for an eternity. > > Looks like you got married for all the wrong reasons, Prick. > > Go buy yourself a dog. The fuck is wrong with you? ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/32 "2017-07-15T05:23:27Z")
You only live once. Don’t let other people’s judgemental-ism decide your dating decisions. If really need be, you can try to keep the dating surreptitious. There are valid reasons not to date soon after a spouse’s death, but society’s attitudes ain’t one of them. Why care what they think? ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/33 "2017-07-15T05:33:16Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > I’m a prig of a prescriptivist, so of course it is. But when will it stop being tacky? Don’t worry so much about other peoples’ opinions. Go ahead and date, but keep it very casual and informal for at least a little while. Don’t be in a hurry. While it is not actual “dating” I have been spending time with a man who was a friend of both myself and my late husband. We have some mutual interests, and he, like me, is lonely in life. We both need a friend. Nothing physical at present but that’s certainly possible down the line, and by “possible” I mean we have actually discussed the notion. As for those who say the widowed shouldn’t seek a new companion - before he died my husband said that he hoped I would find another person to spend my life with because he wanted me to be happy and not alone. It’s OK if I don’t, but if I do, I’ll listen to my late husband’s blessing rather than the negativity of people who haven’t gone through the loss of a spouse. Finally, let me leave you with [A Widow’s Rage Defense of Patton Oswalt’s Engagement.](https://ericaroman.me/2017/07/07/a-widows-rage-defense-of-patton-oswalts-engagement/) It is applicable to the topic at hand. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/34 "2017-07-15T05:38:30Z")
> [@Little\_Pig](#): > > My wife is the woman of my dreams. If she died, I would continue to hold her face in my heart for an eternity. > > Looks like you got married for all the wrong reasons, Prick. To quote the late, great Edna Krabappel: _“Don’t worry, children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone.”_ There’s nothing wrong with temporary companionship. In the end, we are all the keeper of our own souls. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/35 "2017-07-15T06:10:00Z")
**Drop** , this is the best you’ve sounded (so to speak) since this whole sad business with your wife started. Go for it. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/36 "2017-07-15T06:10:01Z")
> [@Little\_Pig](#): > > My wife is the woman of my dreams. If she died, I would continue to hold her face in my heart for an eternity. I got a cavity just reading this. Ugh. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/37 "2017-07-15T07:01:39Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > An old friend of mine actually got married within a week of burying his wife. I tried not to be judgemental. He was divorced before the year was out. > > So, yeah, take your time. When you’re ready, you won’t have to ask anyone if it’s too soon. A friend of mine waited six months before actually marrying. Yep, divorced before the year was out. He did eventually remarry but, IIRC, dated for more than a year first. I think he’s been remarried maybe 4-5 years now? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Little\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Pig)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/38 "2017-07-15T08:19:03Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > **Drop** , this is the best you’ve sounded (so to speak) since this whole sad business with your wife started. Go for it. What a hoot. Trying to shag a 45 old skirt at 63? So much for enlightening/spiritual relationships which encompassed the past. Here’s the future you are pursuing **Drop**. After an endless parade of rejections, you’re gonna spend your final days sulking in a cave, naked and alone, masturbating to Hobbit porn. If you are trying to shag a 45 old skirt at 63, get ready to be taken for a ride, pal. You’re her rent check. (And here you thought it was your muscular build). I got a laundry list of acquaintances who skated down that road and none came out the better. I have a longer list of the grrrrls who took 'em for a ride. If your “plan” is to have something endearing **Drop** , I pity you. Better to sell everything you own, buy a kayak and paddle to Tahiti. You just may find, if you’re lucky, what you’re looking for before you get there. And that’s usually how it happens. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/39 "2017-07-15T09:12:30Z")
> [@Little\_Pig](#): > > Hey Turd. No. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 10:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/40 "2017-07-15T10:15:50Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > She was very ill for three years. She spent the first five+ months of 2017 dying. **We had been virtually separated, with me living in the basement, since 1998. I have been lonely for a long time, but we got a bit closer in recent years.** > > I told Friend about all that late last Fall, and that I had a bit of a crush on her. It didn’t seem reciprocated until now. I am nowhere near ready for a full-bore relationship. I just want some cuddling while watching TV for now. My Bolding. This says it all. I lived in a marriage that wasn’t a marriage. You were with her to the end, whatever the reasons and dynamics. It sounds like you’ve been mourning the loss of the relationship as well as the person for neigh-on 20 years. You aren’t rushing at all. You’re released. I wish you nothing but happiness. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289.md?page=3)