# It's been over a month since my wife died. Too soon to start dating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2017, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289 "2017-07-14T23:04:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/41 "2017-07-15T10:39:16Z")
Life’s short and none of us know how much time we have left. Don’t waste your precious days waiting out some arbitrary time limit. Seek happiness and, if you find it, grab it with both hands. All the best to you. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/42 "2017-07-15T11:56:52Z")
**Warning Issued** Warning issued for being a jerk. You can have a dissenting opinion, but you cannot say it like this. **Stay out of this thread** since you can’t seem to comment without crossing a line into insulting and jerkish behavior. > [@Little\_Pig](#): > > Hey Turd. > > After I got married 21 years ago I never looked at another woman twice. My wife is the woman of my dreams. If she died, I would continue to hold her face in my heart for an eternity. > > Looks like you got married for all the wrong reasons, Prick. > > Go buy yourself a dog. > [@Little\_Pig](#): > > What a hoot. > > Trying to shag a 45 old skirt at 63? So much for enlightening/spiritual relationships which encompassed the past. Here’s the future you are pursuing **Drop**. After an endless parade of rejections, you’re gonna spend your final days sulking in a cave, naked and alone, masturbating to Hobbit porn. > > If you are trying to shag a 45 old skirt at 63, get ready to be taken for a ride, pal. You’re her rent check. (And here you thought it was your muscular build). I got a laundry list of acquaintances who skated down that road and none came out the better. I have a longer list of the grrrrls who took 'em for a ride. > > If your “plan” is to have something endearing **Drop** , I pity you. Better to sell everything you own, buy a kayak and paddle to Tahiti. You just may find, if you’re lucky, what you’re looking for before you get there. And that’s usually how it happens. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/43 "2017-07-15T13:23:00Z")
> [@Cartooniverse](#): > > My Bolding. > > This says it all. I lived in a marriage that wasn’t a marriage. You were with her to the end, whatever the reasons and dynamics. It sounds like you’ve been mourning the loss of the relationship as well as the person for neigh-on 20 years. > > You aren’t rushing at all. > > You’re released. > > I wish you nothing but happiness. This is my impression, too. Go do what you want. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/44 "2017-07-15T13:36:03Z")
Under the circumstances, I think you’re okay to proceed when you feel the time is right, even if it’s early. One reason to wait a little longer is that it might make a bad impression on the new woman if you move too soon. If a widower asked me out within three months of his wife’s death, I’d refuse and would have doubts about his character. You can, however, use the next couple of months to build a friendship with the new woman and see where that goes. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/45 "2017-07-15T13:41:42Z")
Speaking only for myself, I don’t trust my own judgement on such things enough to follow it, and so I would need to fall back on the old traditional rules. I believe that in this case, the traditional rule is a year (or maybe a year and a day, because it sounds better that way), and so that’s how long I’d wait. But that’s just me. Ultimately, you have to decide for yourself (even if it’s just deciding that you should accept someone else’s decision), and whatever decision you make, I won’t judge you for it. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/46 "2017-07-15T13:52:03Z")
Little Pig, [would you join me?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=20346802#post20346802) ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8dc957/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/47 "2017-07-15T13:55:31Z")
The only real danger I see here is the date is with a coworker, which sometimes complicates things. But really, I say take a chance on that, and go for it. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/48 "2017-07-15T13:57:42Z")
Chronos, I don’t trust my judgement, either. ---
**Author:** ![Tee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Tee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tee)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/49 "2017-07-15T14:37:48Z")
> [@Little\_Pig](#): > > If you are trying to shag a 45 old skirt at 63, get ready to be taken for a ride, pal. You’re her rent check. (And here you thought it was your muscular build). I got a laundry list of acquaintances who skated down that road and none came out the better. I have a longer list of the grrrrls who took 'em for a ride. Yeah. I have a guy like this and I take him for rides all the time, and the poor thing is so miserable…😃 ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/50 "2017-07-15T14:57:30Z")
Isn’t there a minor child also left behind? If so, their grief journey needs to be taken into account as well, even if it’s only “we don’t bring new partners to meet said child until X milestone has passed.” The same guidelines that typically hold for single parents, in effect. I think that your recent medical issues (falling _way_ off the wagon, detoxing, hospitalized on suicide watch, seizures, ongoing other issues) should play more of a factor into your decision to date than the time frame between the loss of your spouse. Get yourself straight first, then pull someone into your orbit. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/51 "2017-07-15T15:06:01Z")
> [@Little\_Pig](#): > > Hey Turd. > > After I got married 21 years ago I never looked at another woman twice. My wife is the woman of my dreams. If she died, I would continue to hold her face in my heart for an eternity. > > Looks like you got married for all the wrong reasons, Prick. > > Go buy yourself a dog. I’m going to respond to this by saying that it’s pathetic some people have to post things like this to call attention to themselves because they knew it would get attention. It’s like a child that will do anything for attention whether it’s positive or negative. That said, dropzone, I don’t think anyone can answer your question but you. Do what feels right and remember, no one said you have to make a commitment. It may be nice just to share a dinner or a coffee with someone. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/52 "2017-07-15T15:09:16Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Finally, let me leave you with [A Widow’s Rage Defense of Patton Oswalt’s Engagement.](https://ericaroman.me/2017/07/07/a-widows-rage-defense-of-patton-oswalts-engagement/) It is applicable to the topic at hand. That’s superb. My husband laughs when he runs across various statements I made during my first marriage about how I would likely never date again and wouldn’t get remarried, blah blah blah. Within a year of my first husband’s death, I was seriously involved. I’ve been remarried for 5 1/2 years. What we think will happen, how we think we will react, who we think we will be, we have no fucking idea. The only certainty is that love is risky. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/53 "2017-07-15T15:09:44Z")
It is said that the sooner a man marries after the death of their wife the more he loved her. Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/54 "2017-07-15T15:10:43Z")
> [@drewder](#): > > It is said that the sooner a man marries after the death of their wife the more he loved her. > > Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk It makes no more sense to argue this than to argue the opposite. We are all different. Grief is absolutely personal and individual. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/55 "2017-07-15T15:10:46Z")
Sounds like both of these folks have health issues, not sure waiting a long time for those to resolve completely will help either. Sometimes, having some companionship makes it easier to work on your issues and problems. Sometimes it’s a crutch to not do that. I realize there’s not much help and advice in this post, but only **dropzone** knows his actual situation. Like I said, be cautious, go slow, but spending time with another person is better than becoming a grief-stricken hermit. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/56 "2017-07-15T16:15:00Z")
> [@bobkitty](#): > > Isn’t there a minor child also left behind? If so, their grief journey needs to be taken into account as well, even if it’s only “we don’t bring new partners to meet said child until X milestone has passed.” The same guidelines that typically hold for single parents, in effect. > > I think that your recent medical issues (falling _way_ off the wagon, detoxing, hospitalized on suicide watch, seizures, ongoing other issues) should play more of a factor into your decision to date than the time frame between the loss of your spouse. Get yourself straight first, then pull someone into your orbit. No minor kids. Mine are 27, 27, and 32. Hers is 21. And getting my various issues fixed is important. I have wagonloads of baggage. ---
**Author:** ![E-DUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/e-dub/32/403_2.png) [@E-DUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-DUB)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/57 "2017-07-15T17:18:11Z")
Life is short, go for it. But, in the interest of simple fairness, make sure _she_ knows what she’s signing up for. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/58 "2017-07-15T17:32:57Z")
Drop this hijack and take it to the Pit thread. This goes for everyone. > [@Patx2](#): > > I’m going to respond to this by saying that it’s pathetic some people have to post things like this to call attention to themselves because they knew it would get attention. It’s like a child that will do anything for attention whether it’s positive or negative. That said, dropzone, I don’t think anyone can answer your question but you. Do what feels right and remember, no one said you have to make a commitment. It may be nice just to share a dinner or a coffee with someone. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/59 "2017-07-15T22:00:44Z")
Have you been able to get a good handle on the drinking, my good sir? That would concern me. As someone put it, be wary of relationships which are built strictly out of mutual loneliness. Have it be about something more than huddling together for warmth while the wolves howl in the darkness. Only you would know if it’s that or not. I do hope for the best for you. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2017, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/60 "2017-07-15T22:45:57Z")
OP: The only people who can decide if it’s too soon to date are you and your friend. It’s really and simply nobody else’s business or concern. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289.md?page=4)