# It's been over a month since my wife died. Too soon to start dating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2017, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289 "2017-07-14T23:04:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/61 "2017-07-16T00:11:47Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > As someone put it, be wary of relationships which are built strictly out of mutual loneliness. Have it be about something more than huddling together for warmth while the wolves howl in the darkness. Mind you, there are wolves howling out there in the darkness, including the one that will inevitably get you, so don’t spend too much time trying to decide whether huddling together for warmth is the right thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/62 "2017-07-16T01:46:14Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > I’m sure you’ve heard the rule of thumb to not make any major decisions within a year of losing a partner. I think it’s a sound rule. > > So yes, too soon. > > Wayyyyy too soon. > mmm After reading through the thread I have reconsidered my initial reaction. Do what feels right, and best of luck to you. mmm ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/63 "2017-07-16T02:00:59Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > After reading through the thread I have reconsidered my initial reaction. Do what feels right, and best of luck to you. > mmm Not so mean after all, are ya? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/64 "2017-07-16T02:16:48Z")
I didn’t read the whole thread. I’m a widow. In less than a week, it will be 17 years, July 21, 2000. It is absolutely the worst, most devastating thing I have ever been through. He had been ill and near death on a few occasions and I thought I was ready for it. But I wasn’t. I will say up front that losing your spouse is unlike any other loss. If you are a widow/er, you will know what I mean. For me, a month would have been way too soon. But, oddly, right after my husband died, I developed a passionate crush on a very inappropriate person. He never knew about it, but I had very elaborate fantasies and lost myself in them. That went on for about a year then it kind of wore off. I got into a relationship two years after my husband died, and for me, that was probably too soon, too. \ My stepson was on a dating site six weeks after his wife died. They were married 28 years and her glioblastoma was very fast-moving. Diagnosed in December, died in March. He had never been alone in his life, they were very happily married, and he wanted to be married again. Simple as that. He met some women on [ChristianMingle.com](http://ChristianMingle.com) and within a year he had met the woman he is now married to. She’s great and they’re very happy. Dropzone, two comments: (1) if you’re asking, then YOU have a question about whether it’s appropriate. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, but clearly, you’re wondering. Ask yourself what your REAL question about it is. And then answer it honestly by yourself to yourself. My stepson was totally confident about his quest to find a new wife. The family was aghast but he was sure of himself. You’re not. Find out why. A great resource is the boards at [widownet.org](http://widownet.org). They also have a facebook group where i understand most of the interaction takes place. But go there, register, and read. That board sustained me for several years. (2) Address your drinking problem. Go to AA. Seriously. You will not meet a good partner if your internal compass is off balance. Of if you do, you won’t recognize her because of fuzzy brain. Go to the boards at [soberrecovery.com](http://soberrecovery.com) and read the stickies. This is your work now. If there’s a partner for you, she will find you. My deepest condolences. The pain can be absolutely unbearable at times. I lived in the country and I’d go outside and walk around and around the car just wailing–no one could hear me. It does eventually become bearable, but frankly, it takes several years. Be wary of minimizing it or distracting yourself too much. ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/65 "2017-07-16T02:21:14Z")
Only you can actually decide, and I wish you good luck on the decision. However, you should be aware there will be others in your life who will, quite probably, have opinions, and those will most likely be negative. It’s up to you whether you care or not. From reading your threads from the last 2-3 months, it seems to me you did a lot of your grieving before your wife actually passed. If so, you might be ready now to date again. My advice is to go slow, as you are in a vulnerable state right now. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/66 "2017-07-16T02:43:34Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > Have you been able to get a good handle on the drinking, my good sir? That would concern me. I don’t even think about it. I never really liked alcohol. Drinking was for when I was bored and depressed. I’m neither these days. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/67 "2017-07-16T06:53:27Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > I don’t even think about it. I never really liked alcohol. Drinking was for when I was bored and depressed. I’m neither these days. Maybe you can just focus on the being of doing the things you enjoy. That would be a worthy goal. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/68 "2017-07-16T11:56:20Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > I don’t even think about it. I never really liked alcohol. Drinking was for when I was bored and depressed. I’m neither these days. Though you may have been virtually separated, your wife died & you crawled inside a bottle. The wounds don’t need to totally heal, but they should at least have time to form a scab. You’re not there yet. Though he may have been an ass about it, give some thought to **Little\_Pig** ’s last line: > [@Little\_Pig](#): > > Go buy yourself a dog. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/69 "2017-07-16T13:14:35Z")
Life is short. Do whatever makes you happy. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/70 "2017-07-16T14:40:07Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > Though you may have been virtually separated, your wife died & you crawled inside a bottle. The wounds don’t need to totally heal, but they should at least have time to form a scab. You’re not there yet. > > Though he may have been an ass about it, give some thought to **Little\_Pig** ’s last line: Like I told him, I have the legal limit of three dogs. ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/71 "2017-07-16T14:44:56Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > Though you may have been virtually separated, your wife died & you crawled inside a bottle. The wounds don’t need to totally heal, but they should at least have time to form a scab. You’re not there yet. > > Though he may have been an ass about it, give some thought to **Little\_Pig** ’s last line: Honestly, I’m on team Don’t make big decisions quickly. I’m not sure I’d vote for buying a dog. I mean, dogs can be awesome, but they also require a lot of care, and if I were in **dropzone’s** , I might be annoyed a couple of months down the road to need to keep feeding and walking and providing shelter and companionship for an animal I never really wanted. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/72 "2017-07-16T14:48:10Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > Maybe you can just focus on the being of doing the things you enjoy. That would be a worthy goal. The **Smurf** has sobered up–RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! :D:D ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/73 "2017-07-16T14:51:11Z")
> [@Cub\_Mistress](#): > > Only you can actually decide, and I wish you good luck on the decision. However, you should be aware there will be others in your life who will, quite probably, have opinions, and those will most likely be negative. It’s up to you whether you care or not. > > From reading your threads from the last 2-3 months, it seems to me you did a lot of your grieving before your wife actually passed. If so, you might be ready now to date again. My advice is to go slow, as you are in a vulnerable state right now. Brother and Middle Daughter are pleased-ish. Youngest is pissed. Oldest doesn’t know because nothing is jelled. I’ve been mourning the death of my marriage for decades, but I’m not ready. I just like having a Plan B. And a Plan C. I tried telling them that I’m OCD so planning is what I do, that suicide is Plan Z, and that I have an alphabet of plans to run through first. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/74 "2017-07-16T17:47:02Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Drop this hijack and take it to the Pit thread. > > This goes for everyone. I apologize, I admit I was fired up. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/75 "2017-07-16T19:09:05Z")
Well, the old etiquette rule was always wait one year. But that was mostly to keep the local matrons from pushing their children on a widow(er) before they were ready. Especially a well established widower, who became an object of ravenous competition soon after the funeral. The other rule of etiquette is never question people when they are grieving. Let them go through their go through, be supportive, and don’t hold them to anything they say for the first year. I’d advise only that you avoid fatherhood and vows for 12 months. No permanent decisions that can be avoided. (Things like selling a house are sometimes better done early than after the financial damage has been done.) And don’t get confused between acknowledging other’s grief process,and having to follow their preferences. You can let youngest know that you understand why this is so hard for them to see, and then keep doing what feels right to you. Hope that helps. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/76 "2017-07-16T20:16:45Z")
“…avoid fatherhood…” Bro, I’m not sure the plumbing still works! One of the things I’m working on. I mean, it does enough to keep the prostate from hurting, but not on a social level. But no, no breeding, with her or anyone, and no vows. I’m far from sure she’s the one, and as my evil brother said, at my age it’s a sellers market. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![D.E.S.K.Top668](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@D.E.S.K.Top668](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D.E.S.K.Top668)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/77 "2017-07-16T21:34:58Z")
**dropzone** , first; ignore any advice, condemnation, or congratulations from anybody who hasn’t lost a spouse; they’re talking out their ass. They don’t know what you’re going through, including me. Second; the only real problem I have with your predicament is that I (personally) would not date a co-worker. I’ve dated 4 co-workers and three of them ended badly. The fourth one I’ve been married to for nineteen years…OK, I’d do it again, ignore that piece of advice. Seriously, you are too old to live your life for anybody but you. Kids don’t like it. They’re adults. Parents don’t like it, f’em, they don’t pay your rent or buy your food. Friends don’t think it’s appropriate; do they stay with you to comfort you as she might? The love I feel for my youngest child has not diminished the love I feel for my oldest child. The love I feel for my wife is not lessened by the love I feel for my previous girlfriends. Love is not a finite resource, you can spread it around as much as you like. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2017, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/78 "2017-07-16T22:05:01Z")
To be honest, I tend to ignore anyone who doesn’t agree with me because they are obvious idiots. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2017, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/79 "2017-07-17T18:40:37Z")
> [@Eureka](#): > > Honestly, I’m on team Don’t make big decisions quickly. I’m not sure I’d vote for buying a dog. I mean, dogs can be awesome, but they also require a lot of care, and if I were in **dropzone’s** , I might be annoyed a couple of months down the road to need to keep feeding and walking and providing shelter and companionship for an animal I never really wanted. Did you happen to catch the two or three times in the thread that **dropzone** said he already has three dogs? ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2017, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/80 "2017-07-17T19:00:20Z")
> [@bobkitty](#): > > I think that your recent medical issues (falling _way_ off the wagon, detoxing, hospitalized on suicide watch, seizures, ongoing other issues) should play more of a factor into your decision to date than the time frame between the loss of your spouse. Get yourself straight first, then pull someone into your orbit. Yes, these were my thoughts too on reading the thread title and OP. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289.md?page=5)