# It's been over a month since my wife died. Too soon to start dating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 14, 2017, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289 "2017-07-14T23:04:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Sigene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df788c/32.png) [@Sigene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigene)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2017, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/101 "2017-08-02T14:04:56Z")
I can speak from exact experience. My high school sweet heart and wife I had known for half of my life died when I was 30. She had been sick for 7 years with various cancers and maladies and finally succumbed to a brain tumor after being diagnosed 13 months prior. It wasn’t a surprise that she was going to die. I went out on my first date about a month after she died. Some people were shocked, some were not happy, some were understanding. Its ok for you to go out on a date a month after the death. I’m glad I did, and I have good memories of those dates I had with some lovely women. It doesn’t denigrate my wifes death or her importance to me. The fact of the matter is that I was so happy with her and being married to her that I desired to be in a relationship again. Do you want to go on a date? then go on the date…what anyone else thinks is irrelevant because they are wrong. Its as if you want vanilla ice cream, but someone tells you that you shouldn’t want vanilla ice cream…screw 'em. I’ve seen a lot of people who never date again after the death of a spouse, and they seem to be people who were not happy being married and are comfortable finally being ‘free’. ---
**Author:** ![Sigene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df788c/32.png) [@Sigene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigene)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2017, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/102 "2017-08-02T14:16:04Z")
By the way… IT ONLY A DATE. I think some people are mistaken in thinking that you are shacking up and getting remarried after only a month. You aren’t This isn’t a huge life changing decision…like getting a dog…as has been suggested. Its only a date. Its only spending some time with someone you find interesting and could be enjoyable to be around. Go have fun and smile and share a good time. ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2017, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/103 "2017-08-02T15:36:59Z")
Late to the thread but I just want to reiterate to make sure you have your alcohol under control. I’ve known a lot of alcoholics and it frankly worries me that you’ve expressed a bit of a cavalier attitude about the drinking. FWIW, I don’t believe in 12-step programs, but I also don’t think most people that have abused alcohol to the point of strong physical dependence (which you absolutely did if you were hospitalized for DTs) usually get over it without any relapses without a lot of work. You know better than any of us what’s going on there but a lot of people who get to the point of alcohol addiction you were at, never recover and ultimately die from their addiction (often during a relapse), so question yourself _a lot_ on the booze situation and don’t ignore it. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2017, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/104 "2017-08-02T22:45:26Z")
I know I sound cavalier, but the alcohol topic doesn’t come up. That said, I avoid being put in a position where it comes up, because I know all that and it scares me. She doesn’t seem like much of a drinker, though my hobby during my long decades of sobriety was encouraging others to get drunk. Call me Mr DD. Anyway, I always preferred reefer. 😉 ETA: And anyway, like a good AAer, I’m fakin’ it 'til I make it. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2017, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/105 "2017-08-02T22:50:52Z")
> [@Tee](#): > > They do, all it takes is one chronic health condition. My mother is 67 and we’re kind of amazed she is still with us. The thing is, though Wife died at 64, I have my mom’s good genes and am always a bit surprised when someone doesn’t live to be 90. :o ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2017, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/106 "2017-08-03T00:12:21Z")
A loud friend at work has loudly decided that I like my Plan B. If it operates as a red herring, good, because possible work romances usually need to be kept under wraps, and I dont think she’s interested in me. But if it triggers some interest, that’s good, too! 😉 Real cute and gorgeous figure for 53. Gorgeous figure for 33. I am such a slut. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2017, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/107 "2017-08-04T01:45:34Z")
Nope, gotta put the kibosh on it. She obviously heard the braying and now I’m getting the cold shoulder. I like her as a friend and now I have to repair it. Loudmouth is 60 and needs to learn that junior high was nearly 50 years ago. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2017, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/108 "2017-08-12T01:39:18Z")
Plan B got in an argument about how everbody in America should speak English with a Yankish woman who happens, it turns out, to be married to a gent from Columbia whose English is imperfect. I am drawn to Tea Baggers and Republicans like a moth to a flame, but I prefer them to possess Clue #1. Because I was the first person I ever heard called a drama queen, I told Plan A that she had wrecked my weekend plans to get over her, but then she wore THAT outfit, alas! “My life won’t be this messed up forever,” she said. “And I get more time to get cuter!” “It isn’t that, and you know it.” My personality got stalled when my depression started, when I was sixteen. I’ve matured to seventeen, but I like it here. ---
**Author:** ![Tee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Tee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tee)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2017, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/109 "2017-08-12T03:04:37Z")
At 17 you’re underage for everything. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2017, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/110 "2017-08-12T03:09:40Z")
This is getting a bit LiveJournal-ish, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Tee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Tee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tee)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2017, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/111 "2017-08-12T04:11:48Z")
Not sure, I never had one. People here want to know how you’re doing, you’re letting them know. It seems fair. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2017, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/112 "2017-08-12T14:37:51Z")
> [@Tee](#): > > At 17 you’re underage for everything. 😛 Seventeen is legal in Illinois. 😃 > [@Tee](#): > > People here want to know how you’re doing, you’re letting them know. Like that “intrigue” thing, I almost asked why, but I’m working on not arguing with compliments. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Tee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tee)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2017, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/113 "2017-08-12T15:23:23Z")
Hah, the intrigue thing is killing you. 🙂 Only she can answer what it is exactly that interests her, but it’s a good enough reason to go on a date with someone. And now over dinner you have something to talk about (“so what about me is so fascinating?”). Be prepared to reciprocate. It sounds like a good thing for both of you and I hope it works out. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2017, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/114 "2017-08-12T16:31:42Z")
I told my doctor about my bewilderment and she said, “I think there are a number of things about you that could be ‘intriguing.’” I could easily like her like “that.” Pretty, ginger, appropriately aged, smart, and snarky. Shortly after starting with her I asked her where she grew up. “Guess.” “From your accent and bad attitude, I’d say near-southwest Chicago suburbs.” “I grew up in LaGrange Park.” “A bit north, but close enough.” My previous appointment was a few days after my seizure, while I still wore the most rubbish beard in Christendom and was finishing my crawl out of the abyss. Tuesday I complimented her on her new hair color, NOT mentioning that it was a charming color not found in nature. Her return compliment was that I’m looking a lot less Skid Row. “Thank you. I feel a lot less Skid Row.” I think I have a new Plan B, except I think she’s married. Alas and alackaday! ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2017, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/115 "2017-08-13T00:52:10Z")
…and your doctor. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2017, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/116 "2017-08-13T01:05:07Z")
Well, there’s that little awkwardness, and I’d hate to have to break in a new one. Wanted: Doctor who can tell when I’m joking. Prefer an MD but will consider a DO. No chiros or other quacks! ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2017, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/117 "2017-08-20T01:57:34Z")
Plan A doesn’t drive, so I offered to take her to the company picnic. “No, thanks; I should be driving by then.” As of yesterday she still wasn’t driving, so I repeated the offer, to the same response. Today, still not driving, she got a ride from another guy to the picnic. Even seventeen-yr-olds eventually toss a quarter in a machine and buy a clue. Looks like I need a new Plan A. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2017, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/118 "2017-08-20T02:30:17Z")
Sorry she wasn’t a better communicator. I’m sure a new Plan A will come along soon. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2017, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/119 "2017-08-20T14:11:11Z")
My fault. I wanted there to be some there there, but it turns out that we were closer and communicated better last Fall, when I would drive her to the mall once or twice a week to meet her sister. This time I had to play Kremlin Watcher, looking for hints and portents, and reading them wrong. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2017, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289/120 "2017-08-20T14:42:09Z")
> [@Sunny\_Daze](#): > > I’m sure a new Plan A will come along soon. And a Plan B, since my old one turned out to be a little too racist. IT Lady has grown a bit handsy lately. Not a great beauty, but a SF fan so I at least know what sort of movie to suggest. Don’t know if she’s Marvel or DC yet, but in Kirk vs Picard she’s Kirk, giving us conversation topics. So, kids, did you all enjoy the story of my first crush since widowhood, from start to finish? :rolleyes: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-been-over-a-month-since-my-wife-died-too-soon-to-start-dating/791289.md?page=7)