# "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Syphilis" and other seasonal parodies **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 16, 2003, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398 "2003-12-16T21:27:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2003, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/41 "2003-12-18T20:54:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mtgman \* > **One of these day’s I’ll go googling for it.** I put “PISS ON YOU ALL, IT’S A HELL OF NIGHT!” in google and found this: > [@](#): > > Twas the night before Christmas > And all through the house > Everybody felt shitty > Even the Mouse, > > Mom at the whorehouse > And Dad smoking grass > I’d just settled down > For a nice piece of ass, > > When out on the lawn > I heard such a clatter > I sprung from my piece > To see what was the matter, > > Then out on the lawn > I saw a big dick > I knew in a moment > It must be Saint Nick, > > He came down the chimney > Like a bat out of Hell > I knew in a moment > That the fucker fell, > > He filled all our stockings > With pretzels and beer > And a big rubber dick > For my brother, the queer. > > He rose up the chimney > With a thunderous fart > The son of a bitch > Blew the chimney apart, > > He swore and he cursed > As he rode out of sight > Piss on you all > And have a hell of a night! **Myron** ’s missing lines are there, too. > [@](#): > > When up on the roof he stumbled and fell, > And came down the chimney like a bat out of Hell. > > He staggered and stumbled and went to the door > He tripped on his dick and fell to the floor. ---
**Author:** ![Yumanite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b487fb/32.png) [@Yumanite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumanite)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2003, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/42 "2003-12-19T00:20:14Z")
From MAD magazine, I forget when: \*I’m screaming at some wild chipmunks that ate up half my tulip bed; Tho’ I paid most dearly to guys who clearly have failed to zap them 'til they’re dead. I’m up to here in wild chipmunks Each day a brand new batch is born; So I think It’s fair that I warn You’l get gift-wrapped chipmunks Christmas morn.[/i ] ---
**Author:** ![pohjonen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pohjonen/32/423_2.png) [@pohjonen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pohjonen)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2003, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/43 "2003-12-19T01:09:01Z")
This one has been going around for years: Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves… I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes Dear John: Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist… you’re just too kind. Love Agnes December 17th Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes December 20th John: What’s with you and those birds??? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There’s bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY…So stop with those birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me. . Ag December 22nd Hey: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours. From Ag December 23rd You Creep! Now there’s ten ladies dancing - I don’t know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m siccing the police on you. One who means it, Ag December 24th Listen Idiot: What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister December 25th Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. (From the law offices Badger, Bender & Cajole) ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2003, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/44 "2003-12-19T23:27:38Z")
The Four Skins did a version of “syphilis” and other medical parodies:[ul][li]Tuber the Red Bacillus (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)[_]Gonno the Coccus (Frosty the Snowman)[_]Isn’t Oral Contraception Grand (Walkin’ in a Winter Wonderland)[/ul]Some non-Xmas parodies of theirs:[ul][_]Red Cells in Your Urine (Red Sails in the Sunset)[_]It Had To Be Sprue (It Had To Be You)[_]Blame Arteriosclerosis (Blame It On The Bossa Nova)[_]How Do You Solve A Case Of Diarrhea? (How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?)[/ul][/li][QUOTE] _Originally posted by epolo_ **Good King Sauerkraut** Good King Sauerkraut did look out On his feets uneven… [/QUOTE] I think this is closer. > [@](#): > > Good King Sauerkraut, look out! > On your feets uneven > Wenceslas lay round about > Nine and ten, eleven Or maybe that was “Wenceslaw”. I’d love to have a complete verse of that, but I think that’s all he wrote. ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2003, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/45 "2003-12-19T23:40:57Z")
Thanks for the googling **John Olson**. That looks similar to the one I remember, but with some variation. Either my memory is going or it got mutated into that version either before or after I saw it. Does anyone else have a urge to go caroling with parody songs? I printed off a copy of “The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen” and “Walkin’ Round in Women’s Underwear” and my wife and I did a little mini-concert for the kids last night. I’m just wondering if we should take our act on the road. Our neighborhood is safe and friendly enough to go caroling in. In fact carolers came by the house last night. Hmmmm… Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2003, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/46 "2003-12-19T23:56:55Z")
I’ll answer to pretty much anything. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2003, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/47 "2003-12-20T00:58:57Z")
Heavens, people, you can’t forget the immortal Tom Lehrer! Here’s the lyrics to his Christmas Carol: Christmas time is here, by golly, Disapproval would be folly. Deck the halls with hunks of holly, Fill the cup and don’t say when. Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens, Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens. Even though the prospect sickens, Brother, here we go again. On Christmas Day you can’t get sore, Your fellow man you must adore. There’s time to rob him all the more The other three hundred and sixty-four. Relations, sparing no expense, I’ll Send some useless old utensil, Or a matching pen and pencil. (“Just the thing I need, how nice!”) It doesn’t matter how sincere it is, Nor how heart felt the spirit, Sentiment will not endear it, What’s important is the price. Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. God rest ye merry merchants, May ye make the Yuletide pay. Angels we have heard on high, Tell us to go out and buy! So let the raucous sleighbells jingle, Hail our dear old friend Kriss Kringle, Driving his reindeer across the sky. Don’t stand underneath when they fly by. Actually, I did rather well myself this past Christmas. The nicest present I received was a gift certificate good at any hospital for a lobotomy… rather thoughtful. ---
**Author:** ![penny\_dreadful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/71c47a/32.png) [@penny\_dreadful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/penny_dreadful)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2003, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/48 "2003-12-20T03:10:45Z")
When I was in high school, we sang this in choir one year: [The Twelve Days After Christmas](http://www.indranet.com/potpourri/humor/12daysafter.html) A friend and I both had crushes on a cute percussionist from the band. So we gave each other suggestive looks during the “Well, actually I kept _one_ of the drummers” line. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mullets](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/aeb1de/32.png) [@John\_Mullets](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mullets)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2003, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/49 "2003-12-20T04:11:26Z")
We wish you were never with us, We wish you were never with us, We wish you were never with us, You’re a pain in the arse, You drive everybody crazy, You’re stupid and fat and lazy, We wish you were never with us, You’re a pain in the arse ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/50 "2003-12-22T11:00:47Z")
_Angels we have heard on high Telling us ‘go out and buy’ Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge it Visa, AmEx, MasterCard_ I also like the Bloom County strip from Xmas '84. Milo, Binkley and Oliver are going door to door, singing their own carols. “We wish you a Reagan Christmas We wish you a Reagan Christmas We wish you a Reagan Christmas Higher taxes next year!” :::SLAM!::: “Jingle Helms, jingle Helms! Jingle with Jesse! Oh what fun it is to ride On a tobacco subsidy!” :::SLAM!::: “Deck the halls with Tip O’Nei—” :::SLAM!::: Milo: “Y’know, I think these sounded better last night at the Young Republicans Club, after ten cups of eggnog.” ---
**Author:** ![danixa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@danixa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danixa)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/51 "2003-12-22T11:32:24Z")
i saw it on letterman’s top ten list and thought it was funny as hell: “We wish we were on Jay Leno we wish we were on Jay Leno we wish we were on Jay Leno but our agent’s no good!” ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/52 "2003-12-22T11:37:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pohjonen \* > \*\*Da Yoopers Rusty Chevrolet: > > [http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/y/yoopersda5389/rustychevrolet224122.html](http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/y/yoopersda5389/rustychevrolet224122.html) \*\* I haven’t heard that one in years. God what a funny song. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2003, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/53 "2003-12-24T03:20:31Z")
You better watch out Now don’t you be lax Or you’ll be appearing in his next fax Freddy Phelps is coming to town. He’s making a list Or so he will tell For each one in heaven there’s a billion in Hell Freddy Phelps is coming to town. He knows you read the Advocate He hears your taste is fine He’s got a personality that’s strictly borderline. He bosses all his children They’re scared to leave his homes He’d serve them all some Kool-Aid That was bottled by Jim Jones. So you’d better get straight Your soul you could lose If Fred’s gospel of hate you right now don’t choose Freddy Phelps is coming to town! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2003, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/54 "2003-12-24T03:29:26Z")
You better watch out Now don’t you be lax Or you’ll be appearing in his next fax Freddy Phelps is coming to town. He’s making a list Or so he will tell For each one in heaven there’s a billion in Hell Freddy Phelps is coming to town. He knows you read the Advocate He hears your taste is fine He’s got a personality that’s strictly borderline. He bosses all his children They’re scared to leave his homes He’d serve them all some Kool-Aid That was bottled by Jim Jones. So you’d better get straight Your soul you could lose If Fred’s gospel of hate you right now don’t choose Freddy Phelps is coming to town! ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2003, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/55 "2003-12-24T04:34:23Z")
I mentioned this in the Christmas Song Parody thread last year, and I still don’t know the source, but… \*(to the tune of the “Jingle Bell Rock”) Stroke-a-my, lick-a-my, suck-a-my c\*ck It’s the first time for you So here’s what you do: Unzip me, and strip me And show me you care Don’t go rippin’ out my pubic hair Reach for my, grab for my, pull on my c_ck You can do it with ease Just get on your knees Start lickin’, and slurpin’ My d_ck will get firm Soon you’ll be tastin’ sperm! Do it right now And don’t bite, now Drag your tongue across my meat If you give me head You won’t have to spread By now you should know a BJ can’t be beat…\* I have no idea if it’s copyrighted, so I’ll stop now. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2003, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398/56 "2003-12-24T04:50:02Z")
Fromthe same guy who did “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” (c. 1998): \*You better watch out You better not cry You better not cheat And you better not lie Kenneth Starr is coming to town He’s makin’ a list Of every affair Especially those Involving big hair Kenneth Starr is coming to town He knows where you’ve been sleeping And if your morals slip He knows if you’ve been bad or good With the help of Linda Tripp So, you better come clean You better confess Or he’s gonna find DNA on your dress…\* [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-beginning-to-look-a-lot-like-syphilis-and-other-seasonal-parodies/219398.md?page=2)