# It's Christmas and the kid's gettin' his fuckin' present. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 15, 2011, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284 "2011-12-15T08:11:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/1 "2011-12-15T08:11:59Z")
Hey, can I get another drink down here? I’ve been to prison once. I’ve been married twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. I’ve had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, and I got a bone chip in my ankle that’s never gonna heal. I’ve seen some pretty shitty situations in my life. But nothing has ever sucked more ass than this. If I’d known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats pissing on my lap for days out of the year, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it, I still might. Where I come from, we didn’t celebrate Christmas. Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad was a worthless-coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present was a daily punch to the back of the head. He did teach me how to crack a safe, though. My dad never did shit with his life, so he took it out on me. You could say I’m no different. I’d have to say you were right. But at this point, it’s too late to start over. Funny how things work out. **It’s fucking hilarious.** ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/2 "2011-12-15T08:15:09Z")
NM ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/3 "2011-12-15T09:00:00Z")
_The Ref_? ---
**Author:** ![Ashes\_Ashes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@Ashes\_Ashes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashes_Ashes)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/4 "2011-12-15T09:08:49Z")
Bad Santa ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/5 "2011-12-15T12:31:43Z")
You need many years of therapy. Many, many fuckin’ years of therapy. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/6 "2011-12-15T13:20:27Z")
> [@Bryan\_Ekers](#): > > You need many years of therapy. Many, many fuckin’ years of therapy. It wasn’t that bad a movie. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/7 "2011-12-15T14:11:16Z")
I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th fucking century you dickhead. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/8 "2011-12-15T15:52:41Z")
Your name is Thurman Merman? Jesus, kid. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/9 "2011-12-15T15:54:10Z")
Money is tight, times are hard, so here’s your fucking Christmas card. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/10 "2011-12-15T15:57:06Z")
Who the hell is ‘us people’? ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/11 "2011-12-15T16:01:51Z")
And may I say that I don’t know who that kid is, I don’t know if he’s ever been in anything else and if he has I’m sure it probably sucked, but in this movie at least, he’s a fucking comedic genius. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/12 "2011-12-15T16:45:48Z")
> [@Ashes\_Ashes](#): > > Bad Santa Apparently [Bad Santa is a script,](http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/b/bad-santa-script-transcript.html)and the OP is an excerpt. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/13 "2011-12-15T18:47:25Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > Apparently [Bad Santa is a script](http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/b/bad-santa-script-transcript.html) [Movie.](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307987/) ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/14 "2011-12-15T19:16:09Z")
**Sue:** I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seated childhood thing. **Willie:** So is my thing for tits. ---
**Author:** ![Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/face_intentionally_left_blank/32/288_2.png) [@Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Face_Intentionally_Left_Blank)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/15 "2011-12-15T19:31:23Z")
> [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > **Sue:** I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seated childhood thing. > **Willie:** So is my thing for tits. Her name is Sue? I always just thought of her as, “Mrs. Santa Claus’s sister”. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/16 "2011-12-15T20:29:34Z")
“Half.” ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/17 "2011-12-15T20:41:30Z")
I just hope somebody makes me a sandwich. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/18 "2011-12-15T20:46:19Z")
She ain’t gonna shit straight for a week. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/19 "2011-12-15T20:47:43Z")
Willie: You can’t drink worth shit. Marcus: I weigh 92 pounds, you dick! ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284/20 "2011-12-15T21:17:15Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > “Half.” This, when delivered the way that Bernie Mac delivered his lines, is the single greatest movie line quote of all time, IMO. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-christmas-and-the-kids-gettin-his-fuckin-present/606284.md?page=2)