# It's evolution or it's Jesus, Janet. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 28, 2001, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225 "2001-02-28T16:31:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Great\_Dave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/46a35a/32.png) [@Great\_Dave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Great_Dave)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2001, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/141 "2001-03-02T20:23:44Z")
I’d like to second **Steven Wright** ’s opinion. I hadn’t heard of this Chick character until this thread. It’s hard enough to convince others that Xnity is a good thing without people like Oral Roberts, Pat Robertson, et al, let alone this guy. We’re not all like that. Some of us even _know_ (not believe- that’s a different concept) that evolution is fact. Please, if you want a logical, rational presentation of our basic beliefs, read C. S. Lewis, starting with _Mere Christianity_. Please. ---
**Author:** ![inor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f475e1/32.png) [@inor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inor)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2001, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/142 "2001-03-02T20:48:58Z")
Dude- it ain’t _your_ type or Steven I’m taking exception to (although the remark about convincing others it’s a good thing smacks of somebody in my living room, witnessing, which then, of course, smacks of actual smacks…😉 And I am with you- anything which can bring comfort to a heart in time of need is worhty, imho. Not that you said that, but I reckon that’s part of why you practice a faith. But lots of others do too- and either god’s gonna send us all to hell, which sounds pretty silly on the face of it, and i wouldn’t want to be in that gods idea of heaven, or, for whatever reason, it’s _not_ gonna send us down. (That statement presupposes there is, in fact, a god who is makin a list and checkin it twice, or, for that matter, any god at all) So, the way I see it is, to _anybody_ tying to convert me _whatever_ the means, to _whatever_ the religion, they have my warmest invitation to go suck the dead. While I might happily eat this chick fuck alive, in small portions, over the period of several days, I got no kick with people like you. Unless you move into my neighborhood…😉 ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2001, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/143 "2001-03-02T22:06:37Z")
It was great when it all began, I was an evo-lution fan, but it was over when I met the man, who said evolution’s only a sham. Now the only thing that gives me hope, Is the love of the Jesus folks, Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from the facts in my brain. I was just a milenia old, evolved, and feeling bold, and somebody should be told, science leaves me feeling cold. Now the only thing I’ve come to trust, Is the Fundies decietful touch, Rose tints my world, Keeps me safe from the facts in my brain. It’s beyond me, help me, Mommy, I’ll be good, you’ll see, Take these facts away. What’s this? let’s see, Ohh, it’s History. What’s come over me? this fog has closed my brain! I feel released Bad science, deceased My arrogance has increased, Reality’s not here. My faith has been expanded, My mind has been disbanded, It’s a gas that Jesus’s landed, his myth is so sincere… And if you think I’m gonna do Fanfare and Wild and Untamed thing too, you’re nuts! ---
**Author:** ![redtail23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3e96dc/32.png) [@redtail23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/redtail23)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2001, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/144 "2001-03-02T22:59:11Z")
**AAAAAACCCCHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!** Brain hurts. Sinuses hurt (from coffee). Keyboards and clothes ruined. DON’T! STOP! I’m not sure I can take anymore… When they find me DED with an exploded HED, y’all will feel bad. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2001, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/145 "2001-03-02T23:06:37Z")
(Note, I’m mocking only Jack Chick’s “thud and blunder” crap. Any attempt to attach this post to a legitimate belief system be ignored) (to the tune of “The Time Warp”) It’s astounding! Reading Chick Tracts Fear of Hell, he’ll extoll But listen closely With paper pamphlets Jack Chick’s gonna… save your soul! I remember Reading those Chick Tracts Thinking of those moments when I thought I was happy Jack Chick told me different Let’s read those Chick Tracts again Let’s read those Chick Tracts again \ (To the tune of “Science Fiction, Double Feature”) Janet (heathen and bitch) Thought she was quite rich with her knowledge of science facts But Bob saved her soul Which, of course, was his goal And we read it in a [Jack Chick Tract](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5002/5002_01.asp)! [Duke](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0086/0086_01.asp) the hairy great lout would constantly shout 'bout the “sissy” Son of God But the muscle-y dude Bought Duke diner-food and now Duke’s not quite so odd… Reading 'bout: [Zion’s friction](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1000/1000_01.asp), (ooh ooh, ooh) [Duke’s](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0086/0086_01.asp) ugly features See [Noah saving](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5002/5002_01.asp) all God’s creatures See Bob converting [Jase and Janet](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5002/5002_01.asp) Learn all about our [Late Great Planet](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0007/0007_01.asp) Whoa-ooh-ohh-ohh-o In a Jack Chick ‘Christian’ Comic Picture Show [Reverend Ray](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5003/5003_01.asp), fat and gay Would pray Satan’s way Though he thought he was doing good. But Bob cast Satan out And with a great shout Ray said ‘I’ll be straight like I should!’ [Rabbi Waxman](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0014/0014_01.asp) (good man) Ignored God’s own plan But now he is burning in Hell[sup]\*[/sup] [And Heidi](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0063/0063_01.asp) dressed like a queen That night: Halloween! But she died, and that’s just swell! 'cause of: [Zion’s friction](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1000/1000_01.asp), (ooh ooh, ooh) [Duke’s](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0086/0086_01.asp) ugly features See [Noah saving](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5002/5002_01.asp) all God’s creatures See Bob converting [Jase and Janet](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5002/5002_01.asp) Learn all about our [Late Great Planet](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0007/0007_01.asp) Whoa-ooh-ohh-ohh-o In a Jack Chick ‘Christian’ Comic Picture Show Whoa-ooh-ohh-ohh-o In a Jack Chick ‘Christian’ Comic Picture Show Whoa-ooh-ohh-ohh-o In a Jack Chick ‘Christian’ Comic Picture Show Let’s save some 'ho’s With a Jack Chick ‘Christian’ Comic Picture Show (Where do the heathens sit?) In the back rooo-oooh-ooow Reading Jack Chick ‘Christian’ Comic’s Picture Show Rif-Fenris \*footnote: I’d swear they’ve removed a panel. Right before the “Meanwhile Nathan recieved Jesus” panel was, in the original version, a panel of Rabbi Waxman in Hell, surrounded by flames, tormented by devils. [Just fixing the link. -JMCJ] [Edited by John Corrado on 03-05-2001 at 07:58 AM] ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2001, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/146 "2001-03-02T23:28:23Z")
aaAaaAaaAarrgh. Could some kind Mod fix the link in the “Heidi” verse. Please? Fenris ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/147 "2001-03-03T00:34:57Z")
I am in awe and envy. I wish I could write songs like that. _SIGH_ Y’know, they oughtta make a movie from one o’ them Chick tracts. Oh, wait, they did; it’s called _Left Behind._ ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/148 "2001-03-03T01:27:47Z")
Jesus enters the room, and points a (three pronged dildo!) laser at Jack. Chick-converter, it’s all over your witness is a failure, your message’s too extreme. Satan’s your commander you now are my prisoner, it’s hell for an eternity, it’s my damnation scheme… ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/149 "2001-03-03T01:33:35Z")
Wow. This is great stuff. I’m kind of bummed that all this talent is being wasted on this pile of garbage, however. Oh, well. Carry on. ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/150 "2001-03-03T01:49:01Z")
You want to know what’s so despicable about that [“Little Princess”](http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0063/0063_01.asp) tract? It implies that if little Heidi (who looks no more than eight years old) had not converted, she would have gone to Hell! Jesus sends unrepentent 8-year-olds to Hell. What a _lovely_ message! ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/151 "2001-03-03T01:58:46Z")
Wait-Heidi went to Heaven, EVEN THOUGH she went trick or treating! What the fuck? My brain hurts. Thinking hard. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/152 "2001-03-03T02:09:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > \*\*Wait-Heidi went to Heaven, EVEN THOUGH she went trick or treating! What the fuck? > > My brain hurts. Thinking hard. \*\* What’s even weirder is that if she _hadn’t_ gone trick-or-treating, the kindly old couple[sup]tm[/sup] wouldn’t have prayed for her and they wouldn’t have slipped her the Jack Chick tract so she wouldn’t have been saved. Trick-or-treating _saved her soul!!!_ :eek: Fenris ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/153 "2001-03-03T02:46:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > **Trick-or-treating _saved her soul!!!_ :eek:** That’s the reason I go to seedy bars and strip clubs. It’s not that I’m drunken womanizing scum, it’s that I’m waiting for someone to try to save my eternal soul. Really, honey. No, I still love you. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/154 "2001-03-03T02:49:23Z")
Well, there is a sect in Eastern Orthodox that believes in salvation through sin-_khlysty_…though don’t know if they’re still around. They beat themselves with whips, and then have these wild orgies-they rationalize that they cannot be saved unless they have sin, because they must then redemn themselves. Rasputin was, while not a member per se, he used this technique. ---
**Author:** ![Sparklo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Sparklo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparklo)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/155 "2001-03-03T03:38:27Z")
So, what’s with the checkbox at the end of the things? “Do you accept Jesus as your personal savior?” What happens if I check “No”? Can I give it back and try again? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/df788c/32.png) [@Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ben)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/156 "2001-03-03T04:43:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jab1 \* > \*\* > Jesus sends unrepentent 8-year-olds to Hell. What a _lovely_ message! \*\* There’s one famous Rapture comic from Chick (can someone help me with the name?) which features a truly beastly little brat who, wearing his “Hitler youth” school uniform, sacrifices the family pets to Satan as a school project. IIRC, the comic ends with a picture of the kid’s scowling visage, with a caption explaining that when Jesus came back, the kid was sent straight to hell. BTW, this is also the one with the Jesuit supervillain guy wearing a leotard. -Ben ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/157 "2001-03-03T06:37:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Enderw24 \* > \*\*What’s white and slimy and falls from the sky? > > The Coming of the Lord \*\* You are going to Hell. Straight to Hell. Not for that, of course. Because once once when I posed a perfectly innocent recipe question on MPSIMS you came up and hit me with a fish for no good reason. For that you are going to Hell. The Coming of the Lord thing on the other hand, I think is funny. ---
**Author:** ![dave99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/45deac/32.png) [@dave99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dave99)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/158 "2001-03-03T08:45:46Z")
One more verse. Just one more verse of that song from **jr8** and I am going to die laughing. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/159 "2001-03-03T14:41:06Z")
I read the Little Princess one just a minute ago. I sure did like those parents! “Come on, Heidi! We haven’t got all night!” as they lovingly fulfill their daughter’s deathbed wish. I was expecting the next frame to say something along the lines of “Could you please just get this whole trick-or-treating-then-dying thing over with, please? We’ve got plans for that insurance money, and you’re really hanging us up here!” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2001, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225/160 "2001-03-03T17:48:11Z")
Well, not that I support Chick or anything, but I would hope any asshole who tortures animals and worships Hitler would get a big sulfuric acid enema, courtesy of the Big JC. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-evolution-or-its-jesus-janet/56225.md?page=9)