# "It's in the past." **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 30, 2004, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-in-the-past/252806 "2004-06-30T01:18:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-in-the-past/252806/21 "2004-06-30T12:06:07Z")
I agree with **Diogenes.** Your problem isn’t with your in-laws. Your problem is with your husband for not tearing strips off them for being so disrespectful to his wife. His parents do not have to LIKE his choice in partners, but they do have to respect it. To do this in front of your children is just compounding the issue greatly. Is your husband furious with his parents for behaving that way towards you? Is he refusing to let his parents do further damage to you and his children? Or is he sighing and saying “that’s just how they are” and trying to get things to ‘die down and go back to normal again’? **Chotii,** an apology that has to be asked for is worthless. You say this cycle of insult/bad behaviour followed by the “it’s in the past” brush-off is continuous. You can’t change your in-laws. You CAN change how you react to them. Best results will be accomplished if you and your husband sit down and discuss their behaviour, the consequences, your boundaries, etc together, then enforce them. If your husband will not get on-board however, I would suggest changing the way you react to them. You may also find some helpful advice on in-law relations [here.](http://216.193.207.28/cgi-bin/dcforum/dcboard.cgi) ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-in-the-past/252806/22 "2004-06-30T13:05:15Z")
I’d say, “Look, I know you think this is in the past, but for me it isn’t. I don’t want to dwell on it any longer, but I want you to know that I don’t ever want to hear you disparage my ex in front of the kids. Ever. And if you feel the need to berate so-and-so, please do so when you’re not within my earshot.” Then let it go. She’s been warned. Sometimes families can really suck. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-in-the-past/252806/23 "2004-06-30T13:14:46Z")
> [@Chotii](#): > > No no. Not ten years ago. Actually, I can’t remember _ever_ getting an apology for a genuine offense. Certainly for small inconveniences - showing up late, for instance, or not being able to do such-and-such-a-thing as promised. But for things said in anger, or things said of a personal nature…no. > > And at the time the aforementioned instance happened, I wanted to discuss it within a few _days_, and was told it was ‘in the past, let’s never speak of it again’. No resolution, nothing. Just…don’t talk about it, don’t bring it up. _They_ wouldn’t talk about it no matter how often I wanted to. It’s simply over. At the time, I repeated the phrase ‘pretend it never happened’ a few too many times and irritated my husband, who sees it different (but he can’t explain to me how else to see it). But that is how it seems to me. If I can’t resolve it, can’t discuss it, can’t get an apology, can’t even ASK for an apology, then I _must_ pretend as though it never happened. And I’m even being told that’s not right. > > I am very confused. > > And yet, you know, 99.9% of the time, these folks and I get along great, and I like them. It’s only the conflicts that are hard. When they’re hard, they’re devastating, and there is never, never a resolution I consider satisfying. There is only moving on as though everything is fine. And eventually it is, you know? Until the next time. > > I really need to know a better tactic for dealing with this. Pity you like them…I would do what I did to my first husbands mother, who was exactly like your MIL. I ignored her. I told her that since she obviously dislikes me that I have no use for her, and refused to see her, speak with her or be in the same place with her. I would be neutral, but get up and leave the house, walk out of the theater or resteraunt and one time abandoned my cart of groceries and went to a different store. Took her about 3 months to cave in and actually apologize. When she apologized, she asked me why I did it, and I told her bluntly that she should read a book on manners and take an honest look at how she treated all her daughters and sons in law. It had never occured to her that she wasnt queen bee and john should be my husband first, and her son second. It never occured to her that a woman could work a highly technical job and not have slept her way into the position. It never occured to her that there could be a valid medical reason for me to not have children[nothing like being badgered every time she saw me into telling her when she was going to be a grandmother] or that it could be painful for me and _not_ a joke, and I wasn’t not getting preggers to spite her. I detest _women of a certain age_ in the deep south. I can’t help it if they never finished school, got married inordinatelyt young and immediately popped out litters of kids. I am one of those highly educated yankee emmasculated women… ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-in-the-past/252806/24 "2004-06-30T14:09:46Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > Pity you like them…I would do what I did to my first husbands mother, who was exactly like your MIL. I ignored her. I told her that since she obviously dislikes me that I have no use for her, and refused to see her, speak with her or be in the same place with her. I would be neutral, but get up and leave the house, walk out of the theater or resteraunt and one time abandoned my cart of groceries and went to a different store. Took her about 3 months to cave in and actually apologize. When she apologized, she asked me why I did it, and I told her bluntly that she should read a book on manners and take an honest look at how she treated all her daughters and sons in law. It had never occured to her that she wasnt queen bee and john should be my husband first, and her son second. It never occured to her that a woman could work a highly technical job and not have slept her way into the position. It never occured to her that there could be a valid medical reason for me to not have children[nothing like being badgered every time she saw me into telling her when she was going to be a grandmother] or that it could be painful for me and _not_ a joke, and I wasn’t not getting preggers to spite her. > > I detest _women of a certain age_ in the deep south. I can’t help it if they never finished school, got married inordinatelyt young and immediately popped out litters of kids. I am one of those highly educated yankee emmasculated women… :eek: Are you shitting me? :eek: I’m without speech. ---
**Author:** ![Chotii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@Chotii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chotii)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-in-the-past/252806/25 "2004-06-30T19:59:46Z")
> [@Essured](#): > > I agree with **Diogenes.** > Your problem isn’t with your in-laws. Your problem is with your husband for not tearing strips off them for being so disrespectful to his wife. His parents do not have to LIKE his choice in partners, but they do have to respect it. To do this in front of your children is just compounding the issue greatly. Is your husband furious with his parents for behaving that way towards you? He was, yes. And it was his involvement that finally brought out the fact that the big blowup in that instance was caused because MIL believed I had lied to her. Never mind that I hadn’t, and that she made no effort whatsoever to ascertain the truth, in her mind she was entirely justified in EVERYTHING she said, because “she was just speaking the truth”. Yeah, well, some ‘truths’ don’t need to be spoken. Ever. And some things that are spoken can never be taken back. Anger is _never_ a justification for saying any old thing that jumps into your head, and those things are not excusable merely because they were spoken in anger. Yes, my husband was angry, but he’s _used_ to his parents. He grew up with them, didn’t he? To him, this is normal, and yes, he’s entirely conditioned to just let things go and make them be in the past, what’s done is done, and so on. I was impressed with the degree to which he _did_ attempt to intervene. He and I have spent nearly 13 years together now and we have very good communication > [@](#): > > **Chotii,** an apology that has to be asked for is worthless. You say this cycle of insult/bad behaviour followed by the “it’s in the past” brush-off is continuous. You can’t change your in-laws. I realise that a coerced apology is worthless. But the acknowledgement of having done wrong would have been worth something to me. I mean, how can anybody justify saying cruel, not to mention incorrect things about somebody else’s parents, having met them maybe 3 times in 12 years? _That_ was what I wanted an apology (or at least acknowledgement of wrongdoing) for mostly, since my husband didn’t object to having been called stupid etc. by his mother. Shrug? Anyway, I’m thinking maybe next time of saying something like this: “Whoa, whoa. What you just said was entirely out of line. Take it back now, or give me a real, real good reason why it’s okay for you to say things like that. And we’re going to talk about it now, right now, because tomorrow you’ll tell me it’s “in the past” and it will be off-limits to discuss again ever.” If I can keep my head at the time. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2004, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-in-the-past/252806/26 "2004-06-30T20:27:01Z")
I’m happy your husband is supportive of you in this, **Chotii,** as it makes a huge difference. Good idea for calling them on their behaviour on the spot! Then it isn’t in the past, is it? 😉 If that doesn’t work, consider refusing to be left alone with them, so they have to say their nastiness in front of your husband, who can immediately back you up. Good luck 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-in-the-past/252806.md?page=1)