# It's Part of Me **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 24, 2011, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656 "2011-06-24T02:22:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/101 "2011-06-24T21:07:10Z")
> [@jamiemcgarry](#): > > I never said “taking my legs from me” in the actual incident itself. That was just here. :smack: From the OP: Bolding mine. > [@jamiemcgarry](#): > > I smiled at her and told her that I didn’t seperate myself from my chair, \*\*as it was part of my body-for all intents and purposes it was my legs. \*\* > > The surprising thing, however, was how the girl I was with reacted to the ordeal. She was totally embarrassed by me. She thought I was being stubborn and difficult. I couldn’t seem to communicate to her how my chair truly is part of my body. You asked in the post I replied to how you could be more polite. I answered that perhaps you should start avoiding using language that makes people feel like they’ve done something purposeful to hurt you. Telling the waitress, even with a smile, that she wanted to remove part of your body by her request is in-your-face. Look at the alternative language I suggested in my earlier post. It is much less confrontational, even assuming you weren’t intending to be confrontational. > [@](#): > > And that’s the thing, there would have been NOWHERE the chair could have been available to me. They wanted it out of sight, behind the bar. You didn’t know that intially, which is why I suggested you make your specific needs known or leave, without implying they were being difficult just to screw you over. Which may be exactly how you came across. > [@](#): > > And PLEEEEAAAASE, go back and read the original post. I WAS polite. FEr gawwdss sake. And why this? This is exactly my first reply to you ever and you immediately throw this attitude at me, as if I was being deliberately obtuse just to piss you off. You asked a specific question and I answered it to my best abilities. You didn’t like the answer so you acted in jerky manner to me. Perhaps your date saw something in your behavior and had some insight to offer. Or is no one ever right in critiquing how you come across? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/102 "2011-06-24T21:16:37Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > From the OP: Bolding mine. > > You asked in the post I replied to how you could be more polite. I answered that perhaps you should start avoiding using language that makes people feel like they’ve done something purposeful to hurt you. Telling the waitress, even with a smile, that she wanted to remove part of your body by her request is in-your-face. Look at the alternative language I suggested in my earlier post. It is much less confrontational, even assuming you weren’t intending to be confrontational. > > You didn’t know that intially, which is why I suggested you make your specific needs known or leave, without implying they were being difficult just to screw you over. Which may be exactly how you came across. And I used the language I did in order to convey the importance of the wheelchair remaining by my side. I said it in a very friendly, conversational tone. I may not be able to convey it to you here, but there was NO confrontational nature to the interaction at that point. > > And why this? This is exactly my first reply to you ever and you immediately throw this attitude at me, as if I was being deliberately obtuse just to piss you off. You asked a specific question and I answered it to my best abilities. You didn’t like the answer so you acted in jerky manner to me. Perhaps your date saw something in your behavior and had some insight to offer. Or is no one ever right in critiquing how you come across? I apologize, I have just become SO accustomed to addressing the same things OVER and OVER and OVER when the questions could be found by just reading the original postings. Forgive me for becoming slightly annoyed. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/103 "2011-06-24T21:17:09Z")
> [@Normal\_Phase](#): > > The restaurant were idiots. If they could take the wheelchair away and put it behind the counter, why couldn’t they take a chair away (at the OP’s table, or a neighboring one – he said the restaurant was empty) and put the wheelchair there? I don’t think he’s specified, but I’m guessing they may have been seated in a booth, and the OP wanted to have his chair beside him in the “walkway.” (I’ve worked in a restaurant that had a series of booths with a walkway between them, and we also would not allow people to put chairs/strollers/etc. in the walkway, for the same reason.) I can only speculate, though, and since he’s announced he’s left the thread forever, I guess we’ll never know for sure. On edit: oh, you’re back! ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/104 "2011-06-24T21:21:33Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > She’d be more likely to rescue you if you weren’t such a jerk about it in the first place. > > I’d rather one guy who couldn’t walk died in a fire rather than have multiple people trip on your wheelchair and get stampeded as they panicked and tried to get out to safety. > > “BUT THE RESTAURANT WAS EMPTY!!!” you’re about to say… So answer me this, Who do you think is in the kitchen spitting in your soup? > > Fire codes are important. Just ask [Great White fans.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_White#Station_nightclub_fire) > > > [@jamiemcgarry](#): > > > > The fucking restaraunt was empty. But of course, NOBODY reads anything here. Big fucking surprise. How can u say “people tripping over my chair…” The place was empty and my chair was folded up right next to my table chair. Im just not replying to a single other post in this thread. It’s closed for me. Apparantly you’re the one unable to read. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/105 "2011-06-24T21:21:59Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > I don’t think he’s specified, but I’m guessing they may have been seated in a booth, and the OP wanted to have his chair beside him in the “walkway.” (I’ve worked in a restaurant that had a series of booths with a walkway between them, and we also would not allow people to put chairs/strollers/etc. in the walkway, for the same reason.) > > I can only speculate, though, and since he’s announced he’s left the thread forever, I guess we’ll never know for sure. > > On edit: oh, you’re back! Ok 😛 ONE last time I’m back lol Just to say…See? Another example of someone who hasn’t read the thread. I DID specify. NO, we were NOT in a booth. We were seated at a table. I got in the reg table chair because my wheelchair didn’t fit into the table comfortably and I wanted an enjoyable dining experience. OK-I’m out.! ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/106 "2011-06-24T21:30:56Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > I have had a restaurant ask to move my kid’s stroller out of the way. I have also been in restaurants that told me that child strollers needed to be left at the front. The hostess asked me to leave the stroller at the front and I did. I don’t know what would have happened if I had refused. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/107 "2011-06-24T21:32:13Z")
> [@jamiemcgarry](#): > > Another example of someone who hasn’t read the thread. I DID specify. NO, we were NOT in a booth. We were seated at a table. I got in the reg table chair because my wheelchair didn’t fit into the table comfortably and I wanted an enjoyable dining experience. Then they probably could’ve/should’ve accommodated you somehow, unless the tables are inches from each other and/or they were expecting a tour bus of competitive eaters to show up. It sounds like you dug your heels in quickly (so to speak) and so did they. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/108 "2011-06-24T21:47:59Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Fire codes are important. Just ask [Great White fans.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_White#Station_nightclub_fire) I think the odds are rather smaller that a restaurant will decide that an indoor pyrotechnics display is a nifty idea. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/109 "2011-06-24T21:51:08Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > I think the odds are rather smaller that a restaurant will decide that an indoor pyrotechnics display is a nifty idea. You’ve obviously never been to Medievel Times. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/110 "2011-06-24T21:52:08Z")
> [@jamiemcgarry](#): > > I apologize, I have just become SO accustomed to addressing the same things OVER and OVER and OVER when the questions could be found by just reading the original postings. Forgive me for becoming slightly annoyed. In reading your three threads (parking lot, airplane and this one) you react very hotly and very aggressively when you think you’ve been wronged. Accusing people of NOT READING when may be they just missed a small detail. Not giving people the benefit of the doubt. Being rude and using all caps as if you were poking your finger in someone’s face to punctuate a point. Responding very hotly at the first negative response. The three issues I referenced all have cores of legitimacy, but when people try to point out another way of thinking about it, a more constructive was of responding, some detail perhaps you haven’t considered etc you get so hostile. Why should I imagine you’d be any different in real life? Even your date was embarrassed. I’m not saying this to be jerk, but to explain why you’re getting more negative reactions than on the surface you might expect. Truth may be on your side, but man, your attitude makes it hard to see. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/111 "2011-06-24T23:49:42Z")
> [@pakalolo](#): > > (Bolding mine) What? What in the world would make you think the manager would clearly not what him there? …because of the way in which the OP described the incident? There was no sufficient sign of accommodation or the manager working to resolve the situation in a way mutually beneficial to all. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/112 "2011-06-25T00:06:36Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > In reading your three threads (parking lot, airplane and this one) you react very hotly and very aggressively when you think you’ve been wronged. Accusing people of NOT READING when may be they just missed a small detail. Not giving people the benefit of the doubt. Being rude and using all caps as if you were poking your finger in someone’s face to punctuate a point. Responding very hotly at the first negative response. > > The three issues I referenced all have cores of legitimacy, but when people try to point out another way of thinking about it, a more constructive was of responding, some detail perhaps you haven’t considered etc you get so hostile. Why should I imagine you’d be any different in real life? Even your date was embarrassed. > > I’m not saying this to be jerk, but to explain why you’re getting more negative reactions than on the surface you might expect. Truth may be on your side, but man, your attitude makes it hard to see. Think about it this way; I am one person here, sharing these very personal stories with hundreds (who knows, thousands?) of unknown people here on this board. These “suggestions” from all these strangers are coming at me from every direction, with none of personal connection or responsibility that, in real life, would necessitate, or bring along, a bit more understanding or comprehension. I have felt absolutely bombarded here by people who will live their entire lives without ever knowing in the slightest bit what the world is like from the perspective of a wheelchair. So yes, I do get hostile here, but it’s only in response to others’ hostility. I have many, many other people in wheelchairs who look to me as a source of advocacy for their rights. I know I am pursuing the right path. Am I doing it in the right way? Perhaps not. But that is part of life. Figuring things out as you go. And let me say one more thing; of all the issues I’ve brought up here, the issue of planes and accessibility is the one that I have felt LEAST strongly about. It is the issue I have felt most swayed about since hearing everything everyone here has had to say. If every single post of mine regarding that subject were to be read (and Im not suggesting that) one could see a sort of evolution of thought on the matter. I start out demanding the airlines completely change and I end by wanting nothing more than to be able to “opt out” of some of the most-restrictive of the aisle-chair safety belts (which are designed with the most severely disabled in mind). So I have absorbed what people have offered and I appreciate it. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/113 "2011-06-25T00:13:01Z")
I have to say, as someone who’s been living with or married to a disabled person for 20+ years, that a lot of people who don’t want the disabled around play the “it’s against safety regs/fire code/etc.” card frequently. When that doesn’t work for the Other Half sometimes they drag me aside and say things like "Can’t you get him to leave? He’s making other people uncomfortable! They don’t want to look at people _like that."_ Or worse things. Someone genuinely interested in serving a disabled customer would have tried to find a compromise to satisfy both the fire code and the customer. Or explain/ask “we have to keep the aisle clear - how do we do that _and_ keep your chair at hand? Any ideas?” Then again, some people in wheelchairs are assholes. I was working at store once when I needed to restock some shelves that just happened to be near a customer in a wheelchair. She got pissed off, hissed “You don’t need to watch me! I’m not going to steal anything!” and got me in trouble with the boss saying I was harassing her. Excuse me? I’m wheeling this handcart of 40 lb boxes over to empty shelves and using them to stock said shelves _as I was instructed to do by the boss before you even came in_ in order to keep an eye on you? WTF? I wasn’t even _looking_ at you, bitch. Which is not to say McGarry or the hostess or manager in the OP were necessarily being “bitchy”, just that there are several possibilities here. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/114 "2011-06-25T00:40:15Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Aw, isn’t it cute. A little straw-dude in a wheelchair! Fine, I have been here long enough that I am not a strawman. You have a problem with us wanting to have a reasonable attempt at a normal life? Not all wheelchairs come with desk length arms, or liftable arms. In fact those tend to be options one has to pay for. Frequently when you get a chair, the insurance company has the ultimate say in what they will pay for, and if you want options they tend to get denied and you have to pay for them yourself, and frequently us gimps are marginalized enough that our incomes are limited and can not afford to get the options that would make life much easier for us. I have had cars that cost less than many wheelchairs, and I am not talking about power chairs. If this was the pit I would tell you to kiss my ass. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/115 "2011-06-25T00:45:29Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > Fine, I have been here long enough that I am not a strawman. > > You have a problem with us wanting to have a reasonable attempt at a normal life? The strawman is that there are people in this conversation who are taking any position on this issue because they want wheelchair users not to be independent. ---
**Author:** ![Candyman74](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@Candyman74](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Candyman74)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/116 "2011-06-25T01:07:11Z")
> [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](#): > > The irony is the fire code is there to ensure that occupants can safely leave the building as efficiently and quickly as possible in the event of a fire. How does removing a paraplegic’s wheelchair and placing it across the room from him create the same safety net for him? > > Why didn’t you ask them what you were expected to do in the event of an emergency if the hostess was otherwise prevented from retrieving the wheelchair. You’re not allowed to ignore laws if you think you know better. We don’t even know what the fire code is (the OP says he didn’t check because he decided it was “bullshit”) but requiring others to break laws on your behalf, even when it would appear to you that they should do so, is not possible under the current legal structure. And we’re talking about the guy who insisted an airline redesign and rebuild a plane for him. I’m pretty sure that he wasn’t pleasant from the get-go. That’s not conducive to persuading people to break laws for you and risk large fines. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/117 "2011-06-25T01:10:25Z")
> [@Candyman74](#): > > You’re not allowed to ignore laws if you think you know better. LMAO…YEah!! Even if it KILLS them!! I mean, we live in a civilized society here, if we don’t obey all the laws, them none of the laws mean anything. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/118 "2011-06-25T01:18:59Z")
And I doubt it really was a violation, they just didn’t want that chair there. I know no one else has the advantage of knowing the particular layout of this restaraurant or my wheelchair’s placement in it; but how exactly a folded up wheelchair which is pushed up right next to my chair at the table is in any way a fire code violation is a complete mystery to me. Even IF the restaurant had been more populated. But it was empty. I guess I would have been a fire code violation myself if I had decided to remain in the chair. “I’m sorry sir but we’re going to have to ask you to leave. Your presence here is a fire code violation.” Ha! “We can offer you some food behind the bar, though. Just dont let anyone see you.” ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/119 "2011-06-25T01:19:51Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > If this was the pit I would tell you to kiss my ass. [Moderator Note]Effectively, you just did. Don’t try this runnaround again in IMHO.[/Moderator Note] ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2011, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656/120 "2011-06-25T01:21:02Z")
> [@jamiemcgarry](#): > > And I doubt it really was a violation, they just didn’t want that chair there. I know no one else has the advantage of knowing the particular layout of this restaraurant or my wheelchair’s placement in it; but how exactly a folded up wheelchair which is pushed up right next to my chair at the table is in any way a fire code violation is a complete mystery to me. Even IF the restaurant had been more populated. But it was empty. So why do you think they gave you a hard time about it? Discrimination? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-part-of-me/586656.md?page=7)