# It's that time again: Essay test "gems" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 27, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809 "2005-05-27T20:42:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/1 "2005-05-27T20:42:55Z")
One of my jobs involves working in a college assessment center, evaluating English placement tests (essays). We readers enjoy collecting “gems”: that which is funny, odd, garbled, wonderful, or just plain indescribable. I did Volume 1 a while ago; Volume 2 is below. Enjoy. I like the one about the pregnant brother. * * * ## Jimi Hendrix was the Charles Manson of the guitar. ## Young people should serve in the army; it will help them grow in sprite. ## (This next bit comes from a guy who was imagining his mom giving birth to him): Laying on a cushion of which the word held no meaning. Face bright red with pain. A look of which no TV movie could truly describe. Turning something heavenly into a blood bath. The brightly lite room slowly burning my mothers retnas. ## (From a student attempting to write a question and answer): Q. Have you seen any movies lately? A. No, I’ve been studying for my testes. ## Another great thing about going to school is not having to work a lame ass job the rest of my life without learning anything. Let’s face it the working world sucks. Where do people go to work with no experience? How exactly are we suppost to start being a success? All I know is I am too impatient and I want money now. I want future now. ## His head has no hair, leaving him bald. ## He was a 33 through 37 years old man. ## Unlike the rest of the family, she’s the only one that looks normal. ## I’m not supposed to be here taking this annoying placement test. ## I feel that I fear funerals because I think something bad is going to happen to me if I go and look at a dead body, while it just lays there hopeless. ## A Leonardo daVinci or a Leonardo di Caprio are basically what a man or any woman wants to be. ## If food stopped being an essential element in human existence, our race would live forever. Extinguishing all those damaging microbes we feed ourselves with every bite of our toxic food stores. ## In conclusion, one self is more careful now. ## Fear of talking to females on the phone ranks rather high with me, followed by fear of women’s sanitary products and women’s undergarments. ## [this student is trying to describe Ursula, the octopus/witch in The Little Mermaid]: This octopus grew into a huge fat witch, with those long, purple, blood-sucking testicles. ## When they tried to sell Jesus the latest inventions, how did Jesus respond? Did he ever pay a higher price for a tool because of a greedy bargainer? Many people must have asked him why he didn’t have the latest products of entertainment; when he responded what did they see differently in him? ## You should get away from your parents, because when they get older they become mean and grumpy. ## My mother’s parenting skills lie between a carnivorous animal that eats her young and a mindless bum that can’t even whipe the tears from his eyes. ## My wounds are swollen with divorce and regret. ## She couldn’t continue with her studies as she had planned, due to the pregnancy of my older brother. ## A food so tasty and putrid-smelling, it would gag a maggot. The name of this food was sauerkraut. ## The only thing you have to fear is fear itself, not some new food with “little green things” in it. ## She’s not that bad to hang around with, even though she is 44. ## Father Frank was a recovering ex-priest. ## I admire him, and if he was a commander in a war, I would follow him to the battleground with my eyes closed. ## Have you ever ate a eyeball of tuna fish?..I heard that it has a lots of DSA or DNA or something I forgot that good for your brain….Peoples can end up eating any kinds of things. Fish eyeball, monkey brain, undead scorpion, and more crazy things. ## If my parents weren’t in my life, I probably wouldn’t be here. ## I admire Michael Jackson’s power to make his every move on to the headlines of every newspaper and TV. From swinging his baby outside of a hotel room in Europe to the most recent case of child molestation. ## People are only deep when you can’t understand them. Pianos are only heavy when you can’t lift them. The only people I truly think are capable of brilliance are locked up in insane asylums. ## My number one fear in life is to not be a successful person and fail. ## I always unattended the class. ## I’m a typical American in the steak and potato hemisphere. ## From the moment I first saw him, he was like an old chewing gum wrapper on the ground. Money can’t buy anything, but it’s important. ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/2 "2005-05-27T20:59:25Z")
> [@](#): > > (From a student attempting to write a question and answer): > Q. Have you seen any movies lately? > A. No, I’ve been studying for my testes. That’s the problem with testes; they never study for themselves. ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/3 "2005-05-27T21:07:38Z")
> [@](#): > > My mother’s parenting skills lie between a carnivorous animal that eats her young and a mindless bum that can’t even whipe the tears from his eyes. But for the spelling, that applicant would make a great Doper. What’s with all the food answers? Was there a “strangest food” question? ---
**Author:** ![Corii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Corii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corii)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/4 "2005-05-27T21:18:54Z")
Mmmm, undead scorpions, my favorite! ---
**Author:** ![Morgyn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morgyn/32/3041_2.png) [@Morgyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgyn)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/5 "2005-05-27T21:50:29Z")
> [@](#): > > People are only deep when you can’t understand them. Pianos are only heavy when you can’t lift them. The only people I truly think are capable of brilliance are locked up in insane asylums. I rather like this one. I’m not even sure why, but I like it. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/6 "2005-05-27T22:01:23Z")
\*\*A food so tasty and putrid-smelling, it would gag a maggot. \*\* That is wonderful, a pitter in the making. ---
**Author:** ![beckwall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b487fb/32.png) [@beckwall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beckwall)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/7 "2005-05-27T22:05:58Z")
“My wounds are swollen with divorce and regret” has some real potential there. Is that you, RIvers Cuomo? ---
**Author:** ![Trillionaire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/aeb1de/32.png) [@Trillionaire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trillionaire)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/8 "2005-05-27T22:08:48Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > My mother’s parenting skills lie between a carnivorous animal that eats her young and a mindless bum that can’t even whipe the tears from his eyes. I’m sure I’ve seen that line somewhere before, maybe even in a thread like this one. ---
**Author:** ![trupa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/aeb1de/32.png) [@trupa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/trupa)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/9 "2005-05-27T22:27:49Z")
> [@beckwall](#): > > “My wounds are swollen with divorce and regret” has some real potential there. Country song title! ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/10 "2005-05-27T23:36:19Z")
> [@Trillionaire](#): > > I’m sure I’ve seen that line somewhere before, maybe even in a thread like this one. Me too It certainly rings bells. ---
**Author:** ![c\_carol](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e79b87/32.png) [@c\_carol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/c_carol)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/11 "2005-05-28T00:39:47Z")
> [@Bippy the Beardless](#): > > Me too It certainly rings bells. Me too. Can’t figure out where I’ve seen it before, though. ---
**Author:** ![Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spatial_Rift_47)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/12 "2005-05-28T00:50:07Z")
> [@Morgyn](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > People are only deep when you can’t understand them. Pianos are only heavy when you can’t lift them. The only people I truly think are capable of brilliance are locked up in insane asylums. > > I rather like this one. I’m not even sure why, but I like it. You’re right. Not only does this make sense, I think it’s actually on to something. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/13 "2005-05-28T02:26:06Z")
> [@Trillionaire](#): > > I’m sure I’ve seen that line somewhere before, maybe even in a thread like this one. I’ve been collecting these since January, so it’s possible that there are some repeats. **Susan** : Yes, one of the prompts they could choose had to do with an unusual food they had tried. We get some good stuff on that one: ox tongue tacos, iguana, snake, escargot, and lots and lots and lots of sushi. Other prompts include: the most unusual person in the family; someone who has had an influence on the student for better or for worse; someone they admire; historical events they would have liked to witness; something they wish for. (There are more details than what I listed here, but you get the idea.) That one about the piano is rather lovely, isn’t it? I’ve got more readings to do through the summer and part of the fall, so I will be back with more of these at some point. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/14 "2005-05-28T02:29:29Z")
Here are a couple more that did not come from the placement tests: From a student attempting to express her gratitude to me, via email: “I really do not know how to appreciate you.” And from a colleague’s student: “Anything is impossible.” ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/15 "2005-05-28T02:51:29Z")
“I want future now” has become my new motto. ---
**Author:** ![ZebraShaSha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/eada6e/32.png) [@ZebraShaSha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZebraShaSha)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/16 "2005-05-28T03:13:22Z")
As a an actual question, what do you expect from placement tests? Would you rather have a person be themselves or would you rather have something cookie-cutter and uninspired? That time for me is melting fast and I have two writing styles - one I enjoy, the be myself part, and the horrid uninspired trash. Also, what do you mean about placement? Not for college admission but for placement into English classes right? (And some of those are actually quite lovely. For instance, I also heart “I want future now.”) ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/17 "2005-05-28T03:22:37Z")
> [@](#): > > Laying on a cushion of which the word held no meaning. Face bright red with pain. A look of which no TV movie could truly describe. Turning something heavenly into a blood bath. The brightly lite room slowly burning my mothers retnas. This one reminds me of the writing of some famous award-winning author, but I can’t quite place it after this many beers. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![FilmGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@FilmGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FilmGeek)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/18 "2005-05-28T03:25:52Z")
> [@](#): > > I’m not supposed to be here taking this annoying placement test. This one is my favorite, because it’s what I would’ve written. ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/19 "2005-05-28T03:39:46Z")
> [@The Sausage Creature](#): > > “I want future now” has become my new motto. When wings take dream. ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/20 "2005-05-28T03:46:28Z")
> [@DesertGeezer](#): > > When wings take dream. Don’t misunderstimate! 😉 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809.md?page=2)