# It's that time again: Essay test "gems" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 27, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809 "2005-05-27T20:42:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/21 "2005-05-28T05:20:50Z")
> [@ZebraShaSha](#): > > As a an actual question, what do you expect from placement tests? Would you rather have a person be themselves or would you rather have something cookie-cutter and uninspired? That time for me is melting fast and I have two writing styles - one I enjoy, the be myself part, and the horrid uninspired trash. > > Also, what do you mean about placement? Not for college admission but for placement into English classes right? > > (And some of those are actually quite lovely. For instance, I also heart “I want future now.”) They are for placement in English or ESL classes. We don’t mind people being themselves and we certainly don’t like dull stuff. But we do have a rubric/standards that we have to go by. There are quite a few criteria on them that we have to consider, and each test is read at least twice. At least two readers’ scores must match. We have to look for topic sentences, critical analysis, ability to respond to the prompt, organization, and a host of other things. For ESL, they can achieve a very high level of comprehensibility or not so much. People who get a 6 go to Freshman Comp–essays; 5s go to Writing–paragraphs; 4s go to Writing–sentences to paragraphs to essays; 3s go to Reading or Writing Skills. ESL students may very well get one of the above scores. If not, they go to one of four levels of American Language courses. Zeroes are for those who did not follow the prompt at all or only wrote a sentence or two in 45 minutes. They get to retest. We love it when people write colorfully, use advanced vocabulary, are entertaining, are coherent, and show evidence of critical thought and analysis. What doesn’t go over so well: fused sentences and fragments; fouled-up tenses; lots of slang and immaturity; no organization whatsoever. We “red flag” papers if we suspect a learning disability which may or may not have been diagnosed. ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/22 "2005-05-28T06:38:02Z")
Are you sure people wrote these? Some of these lines look like that stuff used to fool Bayesian spam filters. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/23 "2005-05-28T07:49:08Z")
**gotpasswords** , two things that’s been mentioned often as affecting language skills very negatively is cellphonespeak and the fact that some guys seem to think anything on their computer is the Gospel (only clearer and with no contradictions at all). You know, same as some people think anything that’s on TV is Good by definition? Many of the things used by spammers come from celltalk. I’ve seen similar writing skills on the guys I used to train as writers for a MUD. Some of them couldn’t match the verb to the subject if you marked them in glo colors. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/24 "2005-05-28T19:02:16Z")
Yes, absolutely every one of these was handwritten in the assessment center’s test room. That doesn’t mean that some of them couldn’t have been memorized ahead of time–what we call “canned” essays. That’s why we sometimes get essays that have nothing to do with the prompt. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/25 "2005-05-28T19:15:37Z")
So Father Frank is a priest… who was a priest before… but somewhere in the middle he wasn’t a priest, and he’s getting over it? I used to teach a cource in Research Methods. For one of the exams I created a web-site giving very scholarly sounding but completely bogus information about Global Warming. I asked the students to name any three things that would show this should not be accepted as a reliable site (e.g. no citations/documentation, no author name or authority given, dead links, convoluted URL, misspelled words etc.). My favorite answer was “No name, nothing about books and it wouldn’t have be [sic] on the exam if it was real.” ---
**Author:** ![Tabby\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tabby\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabby_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/26 "2005-05-28T19:37:46Z")
> [@c\_carol](#): > > Me too. Can’t figure out where I’ve seen it before, though. Yeah, but does it do anything? ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bb73d2/32.png) [@Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Side_of_the_Floyd)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/27 "2005-05-28T20:19:32Z")
Nope. That’s the beauty of it. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2005, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/28 "2005-05-29T05:35:42Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > So Father Frank is a priest… who was a priest before… but somewhere in the middle he wasn’t a priest, and he’s getting over it? > > snip Bit of a mind-bender, isn’t it? I’m still trying to figure out the point of the one about Jesus and the “latest products of entertainment.” Were they selling Gameboys in the temple or something? ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2005, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/29 "2005-05-29T14:42:35Z")
> [@](#): > > My number one fear in life is to not be a successful person and fail. this one strikes me as sincere and sad. Maybe s/he really is afraid to not even make the under-achievement s/he dreads. Also, I conisder the old man/chewing gum bit to be poetry. I’ve seen a few lost souls who resemble the image evoked. Is this placement for college or High school? I envy you your job–this sounds fun, aggravating and fascinating, all at the same time. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2005, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/30 "2005-05-29T20:27:40Z")
It’s for college. This is the job I do in addition to teaching English–and yes, it is many things all at the same time. We readers manage to have quite a bit of fun even though we take a lot of time and consideration in reading and scoring these tests. Coffee and treats really help us get through a session. We never read for more than three hours per session, because our brains get fried otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![zagloba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/977dab/32.png) [@zagloba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zagloba)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2005, 9:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/31 "2005-05-30T09:55:28Z")
> [@](#): > > (From a student attempting to write a question and answer): > Q. Have you seen any movies lately? > A. No, I’ve been studying for my testes. This may quite possibly never have happened, but it amused my fellow teachers when I told them about it: I once had a teacher who insisted on giving a quiz or two every week. After several weeks of student complaint’s, the teacher said “If you don’t like my little quizzies, wait 'til you see my great big testies!” ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2005, 10:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/32 "2005-05-30T10:25:29Z")
\ ~drool~ Undead scorpions… \ ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Zamboni)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2005, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/33 "2005-05-30T16:55:58Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > Another great thing about going to school is not having to work a lame ass job the rest of my life without learning anything. Let’s face it the working world sucks. Where do people go to work with no experience? How exactly are we suppost to start being a success? All I know is I am too impatient and I want money now. I want future now. This student is making an interesting and legitimate point until the last two sentences. The s/he shows why some people are not successful. I’m probably assuming too much from one paragraph, but this student seems to feel entitled to success. I may be making a bad reference, but I think it looks like something Phillip J. Fry would say. I would love to be a Basic English teacher in college, but I’m afraid that I couldn’t help but write “What is wrong with you?” in Angry Red ink across the top of the page. In this case, I would write “What wrong with you?” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Zamboni)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2005, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/34 "2005-05-30T16:59:38Z")
> [@The Great Zamboni](#): > > This student is making an interesting and legitimate point until the last two sentences. The s/he shows why some people are not successful. I’m probably assuming too much from one paragraph, but this student seems to feel entitled to success. I just re-read the paragraph and realized the student would be making a good point if he or she could have spelled, punctuated, and formed sentences properly. ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2005, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809/35 "2005-05-30T18:24:40Z")
> [@The Great Zamboni](#): > > I may be making a bad reference, but I think it looks like something Phillip J. Fry would say. It’s just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-that-time-again-essay-test-gems/305809.md?page=1)