# It's time for some totally unqualified medical advice! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 16, 2006, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802 "2006-02-16T15:31:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/1 "2006-02-16T15:31:46Z")
All right, here’s how the game works: I give a problem I’m having, and the next poster has to diagnose it (with a suitably medical-sounding name) and give a suggested treatment regimen. Then, he or she gives a new problem for the next person. Naturally, this isn’t a serious thread, or it’d get smacked down by the mods. Let’s have some fun! I have these hairs that grow between my two eyebrows. Is that bad? ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/2 "2006-02-16T15:33:54Z")
Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/3 "2006-02-16T15:34:49Z")
You are suffering from Unibrow (latin _Browis Uninterruptis_). Treatment includes waxing, plucking, and “string” treatment. Please take maximum dose of rum and coke before undergoing any of these treatments. I have ringing in my ears. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/4 "2006-02-16T15:39:58Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > You are suffering from Unibrow (latin _Browis Uninterruptis_). Treatment includes waxing, plucking, and “string” treatment. Please take maximum dose of rum and coke before undergoing any of these treatments. > > I have ringing in my ears. Obviously a case of [piercitis](http://www.swiss-paediatrics.org/paediatrica/vol14/n4/piercing_05.jpg) . Try not to be such an attention whore, and grow up. 😃 I have pimples on the underside of my scrotum. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/5 "2006-02-16T15:42:01Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > Obviously a case of [piercitis](http://www.swiss-paediatrics.org/paediatrica/vol14/n4/piercing_05.jpg) . Try not to be such an attention whore, and grow up. 😃 > > I have pimples on the underside of my scrotum. :eek: Stop that or you’ll go blind. Use some lotion, too. It’s called Scrotomelophelyerself Syndrome. My head hurts. ---
**Author:** ![Black\_Train\_Song](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4da419/32.png) [@Black\_Train\_Song](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Black_Train_Song)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/6 "2006-02-16T15:47:02Z")
I don’t know the name of your condition but I do know that the drug called “Mydicksafloppin” seems to cure it. ---
**Author:** ![Black\_Train\_Song](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4da419/32.png) [@Black\_Train\_Song](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Black_Train_Song)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/7 "2006-02-16T15:48:07Z")
Oh, I forgot…I have memory problems. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/8 "2006-02-16T15:50:48Z")
> [@Black Train Song](#): > > Oh, I forgot…I have memory problems. You don’t have Alzheimers, you just have Someofthetimers. The toenail just fell off my right big toe. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/9 "2006-02-16T16:28:13Z")
You have _Nailus Interuptii._ Related symptoms consist of lots of whining and sighing, limping and ocasionally muttering, “no, no, I’m fine, really!” Treatment is lots of sympathy and kisses, until your SO gets so fed up with you that s/he “accidentally” stomps on your toe, which doesn’t actually hurt anymore. I have a 12 month old daughter, and I’m tired all the time. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/10 "2006-02-16T16:33:18Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > I have a 12 month old daughter, and I’m tired all the time. Unfortunately, there is no known cure but time. And maybe rum. However, the condition will resolve itself, although the resolution may be a worse condition - called the Teenage Years. You might consider running away from home. I’ve got these little purple splotches all over my arms and legs - they seem to spring up from the slightest bump. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/11 "2006-02-16T16:41:04Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > I’ve got these little purple splotches all over my arms and legs - they seem to spring up from the slightest bump. Quit running through blueberry bushes. My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus. Robin ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/12 "2006-02-16T16:50:24Z")
> [@MsRobyn](#): > > My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus. Take this pill. It’ll knock your headache and your sinuses out. Can’t do anything about the last thing, though. My stomach’s sounding like trucks shifting on the interstate. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/13 "2006-02-16T16:50:44Z")
**MsRobyn** , I’m not surprised to see you here. Your’s is an incurable malady we doctors like to call “Jimmy’s Disease.” Although of tropical origin we see many outbreaks in the northern climates between the months of October and April. As I said there is no cure for JD, but it is often effectivel treated with high doses of rum and/or tequila laced with citrus derivatives. I am an idiot. ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/14 "2006-02-16T17:01:04Z")
\*\*Governor \*\* - You appear to be suffering from an extreme case of rectal gigantism. Stop laying down on the highway and pretending to be a tunnel. The trucks will eventually find their way out. As for me, despite not having had split pea soup in several weeks, I have stuff of the same color coming out of my nose. ---
**Author:** ![Charger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@Charger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charger)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/15 "2006-02-16T17:40:39Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > I am an idiot. You suffer from biposticitis, a common condition where posting coincides with other posts, distrupting the flow of the thread. Take the Preview Post button after long periods of typing. > [@gotpasswords](#): > > As for me, despite not having had split pea soup in several weeks, I have stuff of the same color coming out of my nose. You suffer from peaboogerism. You need to cut some ham into tiny bits and stuff them up your nose, and leave them there for 20 minutes. Add salt for flavor. And don’t pick at it. My farts smell like poop. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/16 "2006-02-16T18:06:40Z")
> [@](#): > > My farts smell like poop. Not enough inforation for a proper diagnosis. Please follow the chart below: Do you also have skidmarks in your drawers, bedsheets, sofa, etc? If yes: You have _dumpii cakedonii_. Prescription: toilet paper, use as directed. If no: You have _assus fullacrapus_. Prescription: Enema. Often. I’ve got half a mind to. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/17 "2006-02-16T18:42:58Z")
> [@Doctor Jackson](#): > > I’ve got half a mind to. Oh dear, you’re suffering from _semicranius formalus_ which can only be treated by frequent applications of the Straight Dope. My hair is won’t hold a curl. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/18 "2006-02-16T18:46:20Z")
**Mama Zapa** you appear to have a severe case of _limpuscurlicus_. I suggest you plug in your toaster and practice making toast while sitting in a full tub of water. You should have curls in no time. My fingernails keep growing out. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/19 "2006-02-16T18:52:58Z")
> [@swampbear](#): > > My fingernails keep growing out. You have _Scratchus Backus_. Find someone willing to let you scratch their back. My hair is turning gray. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2006, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802/20 "2006-02-16T18:58:25Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > **MsRobyn** , I’m not surprised to see you here. Your’s is an incurable malady we doctors like to call “Jimmy’s Disease.” Also known as Psittocoral Cerebrii… Look it up. I dare you. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-time-for-some-totally-unqualified-medical-advice/344802.md?page=2)