# It's wrong to "ghost" people **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 9, 2017, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118 "2017-11-09T13:19:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/61 "2018-01-22T09:24:32Z")
> [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](#): > > Has anyone ever been ghosted right in the middle of an ongoing text conversation? If Tinder counts, yes, several times. I don’t typically have near real-time text conversations there. Still, it’s rather annoying when someone just stops responding. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 9:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/62 "2018-01-22T09:28:08Z")
> [@Mavis\_Topholese](#): > > Here in the digital age, do people expect instantaneous replies to everything? More or less, yes. Certainly within a few hours. > [@](#): > > Aren’t people allowed to have lives away from their apps? As mentioned upthread, are people still able to deal with family emergencies and the intrusions of real life, or are we now expected to drop everything and immediately answer the demands of somebody we met maybe twice and aren’t even sure about yet? They’re not expected to drop everything, but a “Hey, grandma has had a funny turn and will be in hospital for ages and family are fighting so you’re not going to hear from me for a week or two, but don’t panic, OK?”-type message is generally considered the right way to handle that. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/63 "2018-01-22T12:08:12Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Do you know where ghosting, as the concept we now understand, originated? Women on the internet, talking to a few different men on various dating apps, gets closer to one guy and tries to politely break it off with the other. Y’know, the way they’ve been taught and socialized. Only to find a disturbingly high number of those contacts get kind of aggressive. Everything from, ‘Well, you don’t know what you’re missing!’ And then, when they can’t make headway, move on to calling her a cunt, etc. So women learned to just ghost instead. From there it just became much more common. That’s my understanding of where it sort of originated. Not defending it, just think it’s and interesting piece of the puzzle to understand is all. Never mind the internet, it’s also done in person too. If a guy cannot take no for an answer, ghosting is a way for a girl/woman to extricate herself from himself. I’m not ashamed to say that I was pretty good at doing this, especially when a guy wanted to be more than friends and I didn’t feel the same way. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/64 "2018-01-22T13:12:35Z")
> [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](#): > > I think it’s mostly a question of respect. At least if the would-be “ghoster” tells them outright, then the other person knows where they stand and can begin to move on, immediately. > > Has anyone ever been ghosted right in the middle of an ongoing text conversation? I have. And I really don’t know what I said to turn the other person off, or if that’s even what happened. FWIW this was in regard to a platonic friendship. How different would that be if someone said in the middle of an ongoing text conversation, “I’m done. Don’t contact me again”? ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/65 "2018-01-22T13:31:22Z")
> [@Mavis\_Topholese](#): > > Here in the digital age, do people expect instantaneous replies to everything? Aren’t people allowed to have lives away from their apps? IME frIends on FB will almost always get back to me in a few hours or days at most, though FTR I haven’t had any reason to try it with the majority of them. Also, remember these aren’t dating relationships, nor is the making of plans involved such that there would be any urgency about deciding when and where to meet. The friend I mentioned upthread was the one who seemed to have bizarrely many common tastes, interests, background, and opinions, almost like a carbon copy of me, and being ghosted really hurt. **monstro** google the topic a bit. So many people get ghosted that it obviously happens to normal well-adjusted people–not just the clingy and pathetic. Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/66 "2018-01-22T13:36:29Z")
> [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](#): > > The friend I mentioned upthread was the one who seemed to have bizarrely many common tastes, interests, background, and opinions, almost like a carbon copy of me, and being ghosted really hurt. Certainly, it hurts to be rejected. If this person had said, “I’m not going to ghost you, but I am ending our conversation/friendship. Bye” would you have been less hurt? ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/67 "2018-01-22T13:54:16Z")
If you’ve gone on a date with a prospective partner, or if you’ve interviewed a potential employee, then etiquette demands some sort of cut-off. If you don’t feel like you can give them an explanation, then don’t. Just send a text that says “I’m sorry, I’m not interested.”. That’s all that’s needed, just those five words. Now, granted, there are some folks who are going to keep on pestering you after you do that. And then you just start ignoring them. But ghosting right from the start isn’t going to help anything, because those same folks are also going to keep on pestering you if you haven’t told them no. And there are at least some people who do have the sense and decency to stop pestering after a clear message. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/68 "2018-01-22T14:21:59Z")
> [@wonky](#): > > Certainly, it hurts to be rejected. If this person had said, “I’m not going to ghost you, but I am ending our conversation/friendship. Bye” would you have been less hurt? I think it’s not so much about being “hurt” as it is about not wasting the other person’s time by allowing them to think that there is more to the relationship than there is. Think of it this way. If you were interviewing for a job, would you prefer to continue going to rounds of interviews if they decided that you weren’t a good fit after the first interview? Same thing with relationships. If I was dating someone for any length of time and they suddenly decided they didn’t want to keep dating, I’d like to know up front instead of continuing to try to make plans with them like an asshole for two weeks before I realize that they aren’t traveling or lost their phone or in the hospital or something. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/69 "2018-01-22T14:23:29Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > I think it’s not so much about being “hurt” as it is about not wasting the other person’s time by allowing them to think that there is more to the relationship than there is. The person I was responding to said how much it hurt. ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/70 "2018-01-22T16:02:55Z")
> [@wonky](#): > > Certainly, it hurts to be rejected. If this person had said, “I’m not going to ghost you, but I am ending our conversation/friendship. Bye” would you have been less hurt? By now? Definitely. I wouldn’t have found and replied to yhis thread in the middle of the night, for one thing. Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/71 "2018-01-22T16:29:08Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > If Tinder counts, yes, several times. > > I don’t typically have near real-time text conversations there. Still, it’s rather annoying when someone just stops responding. I don’t know enough about Tinder to understand your situation fully, but I can see how one might just stop responding ro another person in the very early stages, i.e. before any relationship exists. I wouldn’t consider that ghosting. In my case, my friend and I were talking about a number of related topics, and there were a couple of related “threads” going on. She left some key points hanging, regarding which she’d clearly intended to fire up my curiosity and interest, and then POOF! she was gone. She was going to tell me “tomorrow”, but tomorrow never came. It’s like the electricity going out during a commercial when you’re watching your favorite show. Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/72 "2018-01-22T16:52:01Z")
After one date or some contact - no. For women, its self protection against verbal abuse - and I suspect for men as well. And I’m sure for both genders its self protection against a guilt trip or dragging on a relationship you don’t want as one contact becomes another because your acquaintance doesn’t understand no. It would be great if people understood “I’m just not feeling this and I don’t think its worthwhile for me to put more time into this relationship.” But too often you get the “oh, I wasn’t at my best.” Or “Can’t we give it one more try” or - on the abusive side “but I bought you dinner - you owe me a second date” or “You are such an asshole!!!” But we can’t be sure that someone’s self esteem crisis or anger isn’t going to get redirected our direction. And sometimes when its long term - ghosting is the only option I dated a guy it took me three months to break up with (more than 25 years ago now) - because he couldn’t understand “I don’t want to see you anymore.” There was always one more crisis I could help him get over (his grandmother died, he lost his job, I was the only good thing in his life) or one more conversation to have. I finally stopped answering his calls. And then spent a week with my parents in case he showed up at my house (he did) and let it be known I was dating someone else (I wasn’t). When people have experiences like that, it makes ghosting so much more understandable. (My seventeen year old daughter just had the guy show up at her door. First she told him she didn’t want to see him or talk to him - that she needed her space, but he kept texting. She stopped answering his texts. Then he showed up at her door. I suspect that he’d been seriously friend zoned (my daughter is asexual) and didn’t want to understand that.) ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/73 "2018-01-22T17:07:03Z")
> [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](#): > > By now? Definitely. > > I wouldn’t have found and replied to yhis thread in the middle of the night, for one thing. We must be different in how we process rejection. For me, someone saying “I don’t want to talk to you” is worse than them disappearing. One way, they are in my face. The other way, they stop responding and fade away. Some of the people in this thread are suggesting there is an obligation after such a tiny amount of interaction that I find it baffling. It also seems to set people up for crushing disappointment, time after time. Because many others in the thread (me among them) do not feel an obligation to someone we go out with once, or share a few messages with. Getting in too deep too quickly is a recipe for hurt. In thinking about this issue, I recognize that the socialization girls and women get will have a huge impact in a couple of ways. There is the conflict avoidance angle. There’s the Danger, Will Robinson angle. There’s the Don’t take no for an answer, son! angle. And there’s the Oh, girls are soooo silly and they make such silly decisions angle. If you feel like someone is going to be angry, going to pose a threat, going to keep harassing you, or is going to mock or sneer at your reasons, you’re much less likely to engage in any explanation. And I think most women have probably faced one of these situations. Girls are told to be nice and also that they are airheads who lack logic or sense, are shallow and stupid, and who make poor decisions. Have people say these things often enough to anyone, and they will start avoiding situations where someone demands “EXPLAIN YOURSELF!” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/74 "2018-01-22T17:42:43Z")
> [@](#): > > Quoth **Dangerosa** : > > It would be great if people understood “I’m just not feeling this and I don’t think its worthwhile for me to put more time into this relationship.” But too often you get the “oh, I wasn’t at my best.” Or “Can’t we give it one more try” or - on the abusive side “but I bought you dinner - you owe me a second date” or “You are such an asshole!!!” But we can’t be sure that someone’s self esteem crisis or anger isn’t going to get redirected our direction. Are you saying that ghosting will somehow prevent that? ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/75 "2018-01-22T17:44:20Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > If you’ve gone on a date with a prospective partner, or if you’ve interviewed a potential employee, then etiquette demands some sort of cut-off. Is this really ‘etiquette demands’ or is it more ‘Chronos wants this’? Because I’m not really sure how ‘etiquette’ is determined, how we verify your claim that it demands this, how we determine who is and who is not subject to ‘etiquette’, how do we determine what counts and doesn’t count as a date, how do we vote in the determiners of etiquette, what’s the process for rule changes, what exactly counts as a ‘cut-off’ according to ‘etiquette’, and under what circumstances would this not apply (for example, if the other person made rape threats, would the rule still apply?). It is really fascinating the way that people try to turn their personal preferences into universal rules in discussions like these. It really seems to be the case that some guys think that their preference should be a binding rule on how a large group of women act, even if there’s no broad agreement for the rule. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/76 "2018-01-22T18:23:09Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > After one date or some contact - no. For women, its self protection against verbal abuse - and I suspect for men as well. And I’m sure for both genders its self protection against a guilt trip or dragging on a relationship you don’t want as one contact becomes another because your acquaintance doesn’t understand no. > > It would be great if people understood “I’m just not feeling this and I don’t think its worthwhile for me to put more time into this relationship.” But too often you get the “oh, I wasn’t at my best.” Or “Can’t we give it one more try” or - on the abusive side “but I bought you dinner - you owe me a second date” or “You are such an asshole!!!” But we can’t be sure that someone’s self esteem crisis or anger isn’t going to get redirected our direction. > > And sometimes when its long term - ghosting is the only option I dated a guy it took me three months to break up with (more than 25 years ago now) - because he couldn’t understand “I don’t want to see you anymore.” There was always one more crisis I could help him get over (his grandmother died, he lost his job, I was the only good thing in his life) or one more conversation to have. I finally stopped answering his calls. And then spent a week with my parents in case he showed up at my house (he did) and let it be known I was dating someone else (I wasn’t). When people have experiences like that, it makes ghosting so much more understandable. > > (My seventeen year old daughter just had the guy show up at her door. First she told him she didn’t want to see him or talk to him - that she needed her space, but he kept texting. She stopped answering his texts. Then he showed up at her door. I suspect that he’d been seriously friend zoned (my daughter is asexual) and didn’t want to understand that.) I don’t think any of these examples are “ghosting”. If you tell someone you don’t want to see them and they continue to pursue you, ignoring their calls and texts is certainly an acceptable options. Ghosting is simply not responding without any notification. There’s no “I don’t want to see you” or “I’m not feeling this”. One day you’re making plans. The next it’s radio silence. Now dating has change a lot since I’ve been single. But from what I remember back in the “pre-ghosting” days, people still played lots of games. i.e. not calling back for 3 days or selectively cancelling or showing up late for dates. But now, in addition to “ghosting”, it also sounds like people put each other in “holding patterns” to call on weeks or months later. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/77 "2018-01-22T18:27:18Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > It is really fascinating the way that people try to turn their personal preferences into universal rules in discussions like these. It really seems to be the case that some guys think that their preference should be a binding rule on how a large group of women act, even if there’s no broad agreement for the rule. I think it is a good demonstration of how differing expectations can create problems. I’m uncomfortable with the idea that giving someone attention once obligates anyone in the future. It reminds me too much of “I bought you dinner, now you owe me.” ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/78 "2018-01-22T18:59:49Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > But now, in addition to “ghosting”, it also sounds like people put each other in “holding patterns” to call on weeks or months later. AKA “haunting”. Actually that might be a better description for what I’ve experienced over time with that one friend. Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/79 "2018-01-22T19:10:59Z")
One thing I’ve learned about this from the experts, i.e. professionals who study human behavior and social interaction, and whose results are cited in the articles that come up in Google searches, is that there’s a large overlap of ghosts and ghostees. It’s likely most ghosts have been ghosted themselves. Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2018, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118/80 "2018-01-22T19:13:58Z")
> [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](#): > > AKA “haunting”. > > Actually that might be a better description for what I’ve experienced over time with that one friend. > > Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk Strictly speaking, between work and kids and just general busy-ness, it’s difficult to maintain any friendships that don’t qualify as “haunting”. If I’m lucky, I can get together with a couple of buddies for some drinks every few months. Fortunately I have one couple who throws parties like 10 times a year. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/its-wrong-to-ghost-people/801118.md?page=5)