# I've been trying to think up funn fortune cookie fortunes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 9, 2009, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455 "2009-07-09T14:45:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Never\_Say\_Dice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ee59a6/32.png) [@Never\_Say\_Dice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Never_Say_Dice)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/1 "2009-07-09T14:45:42Z")
I loved that line of Woody Allen’s where he is depressed because his fortune cookie read “You will be horribly mangled.” So I want to find more that would surprise or amuse. Avoid antacids- you need all the gas you can get today Confucius say everybody wang chung tonight A journey of a thousand miles begins with a u-turn to check the stove is off Nobody wants small tippers to live long Everybody went kung fu fighting, a little bit frightning ---
**Author:** ![dwc1970](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwc1970](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwc1970)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/2 "2009-07-09T15:29:40Z")
“That wasn’t chicken.” ---
**Author:** ![picker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/picker/32/13969_2.png) [@picker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picker)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/3 "2009-07-09T15:38:13Z")
Duck! ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/4 "2009-07-09T15:47:17Z")
“she isnt impressed? buy v1/\gr@ 4 beter porformance” It’s fortune-cookie spam! ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/5 "2009-07-09T16:08:31Z")
“You will not get lucky tonight” “The problem will not go away” “your wife knows about her” “Try a new deodorant” “That wasn’t rice.” ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/6 "2009-07-09T17:19:30Z")
“There is twisted aluminum and burning jet fuel in your future.” “Add ‘In Bed’ to the next fortune you read.” ---
**Author:** ![Jettboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/85e7bf/32.png) [@Jettboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jettboy)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/7 "2009-07-09T17:25:16Z")
An actual fortune that I once got at a Chinese Super Buffet (I have it tacked to my bulletin board in the studio because it was so surreal) read: _The man in the blue shirt and khakis is watching you._ ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/8 "2009-07-09T17:57:51Z")
The all-time classic: “Help! Help! Am being held prisoner in fortune cookie factory!” –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/9 "2009-07-09T18:06:33Z")
You will soon become familiar with swine flu. The debit card machine is not working; please use cash. Warning! 怪しい直す会う! Mike? Is that you? How you doin’? You look great! The 5:43 will be delayed by 12 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/10 "2009-07-09T18:19:55Z")
“Tonight they come for you. Don’t fall asleep!” “Don’t do that thing with the geese, it will end badly” “Warning!!! Watch out for the -” “Don’t listen to the others. Everything will be fine.” ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/11 "2009-07-09T19:38:53Z")
Thought up some more: “Your friends are lying, that dress does make your butt look big” “Tell the man in the trench coat, ‘the pigeons land in Red Square’” “Operation code number 4436542. This message will self destruct in ten seconds.” ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/12 "2009-07-09T21:17:38Z")
A month or two ago, I got, “You are thinking, I could come up with a better fortune than this.” > [@Sunspace](#): > > Warning! 怪しい直す会う! Pssssst… fortune cookies come with _ **Chinese** _ food. Also, I’m unfamiliar with the construction 直す会う–I get them separately, but they must mean something idiomatic in combination. ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/13 "2009-07-09T21:23:20Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Warning! 怪しい直す会う! “Meet one suspicious” what? Dude who doesn’t know Japanese? ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/14 "2009-07-09T21:32:06Z")
> [@Derleth](#): > > “Meet one suspicious” what? Dude who doesn’t know Japanese? I was assuming \*\*Sunspace \*\*just left out the noun accidentally. I’m more interested in 直す会う. ---
**Author:** ![tds1273](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/df705f/32.png) [@tds1273](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tds1273)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2009, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/15 "2009-07-09T22:19:32Z")
One I got from some “x-rated” fortune cookies years ago… “Fat Fong say: I no come, wife no come, baby come, how come?” ---
**Author:** ![silvermist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@silvermist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silvermist)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2009, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/16 "2009-07-10T00:16:33Z")
I once got a cookie with no fortune in it. I said, “Oh no! I don’t have a future!” ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2009, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/17 "2009-07-10T00:43:20Z")
Once my brother got a fortune that said, “Alas! The onion you are eating is someone else’s water lily.” Erm… ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2009, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/18 "2009-07-10T00:44:23Z")
Warning! Your computer lacks an important font! 怪しい直す会う! ---
**Author:** ![King\_Bobo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@King\_Bobo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/King_Bobo)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2009, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/19 "2009-07-10T00:53:08Z")
Bit of a hijack of the thread, or perhaps more than a bit!!! Chinese restaurants here serve fortune cookies with a “fortune” and also with lottery numbers geared towards 6/49 picks (our national lottery). I have always meant to play the numbers in my cookie, but as yet have never remembered to do this. Anyone with any anecdotes of someone finding a winning combination?? ---
**Author:** ![enomaj](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/59ef9b/32.png) [@enomaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enomaj)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2009, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455/20 "2009-07-10T01:03:56Z")
May all your lovers look like Vanessa Williams and fuck like Vanessa Del Rio. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-been-trying-to-think-up-funn-fortune-cookie-fortunes/502455.md?page=2)