# I've decided polygamy is an excellent way to raise a family **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 15, 2010, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218 "2010-10-15T05:53:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/201 "2010-10-16T18:26:55Z")
I’m one of the people who bashed skulls with **Dio** over polyamory in another thread but I’m going to have to join with the chorus. It all seems like emotional blackmail to me. I don’t think this is healthy for them or their children. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/202 "2010-10-16T18:32:45Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > > [@Stoid](#): > > > > And so what? This is EXACTLY the family I saw on Oprah. EXACTLY. And they are, in the main, more loving, more emotionally available, more kind, more balanced, more honest than any other family or couple that I’ve ever seen on any reality show. By miles. > > I think you need to look at your sample. i.e. you’ve taken reality television - which specializes in entertaining us by showing us how fucked up other people are, as your “normal.” Then you take the one poly family on reality television - a family who admits they have self selected themselves for the show to illustrate that a poly family can be functional. And you are running the comparison. The reason these folks got a reality show is because poly will draw some viewers. > > : Yes, we have provided Stoid with scads of evidence that polygamy, as practiced by those weird cults- is very very bad for everyone but the “Husband”, there’s child abuse, incest, pedophilia, welfare fraud, and everything. That’s what occurs, that’s what the Court documents and investigations show. But then the Op sees a select family, carefully polished and scripted, where everyones agree they are NOT the usual “mormon-type” Poly family (on the surface)- and then Stoid decides that that sort of Poly family is a great way to raise a family. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/203 "2010-10-16T18:37:11Z")
> [@Sarahfeena](#): > > Well, in fairness, these folks don’t live in some kind of cult compound. Thank you! > [@](#): > > But emotionally, they’re stuck, that’s for sure. It’s not like they can negotiate any kind of change to the relationship without breaking it up, but he can. As I said, ultimately that’s my major issue with it. There’s something fundamentally fucked up, in my opinion, for an adult to let another person have that kind of power over them. Well, first of all…we disagree that this IS the situation in that house, but for the sake of argument let’s say it is. _ **POLYGAMY HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH IT** _ MILLIONS of men in MILLIONS of marriages make ALL the rules for their wives! You are focusing on the fact that in this particular marriage, his power to do things they can’t includes taking on a new spouse as though \*\*\*\*the act \*\*\*\*of taking on the additional spouse **is the source** of the power inequity!! This is what’s known as ass-backwards. Correlation vs. Causation…polygamy did not give him power over the relationship. His power over the relationship includes the power to have additional wives. Bitch about (what you perceive to be..) his unfair power, but don’t **blame** it on polygamy. And never forget that the wives **choose** it. This is _not_ a compound, they are _not_ forced, blah…blah…blah… As you said yourself, _ **they let him** _ have that power. Just like millions of other women who surrender their power to the men in their lives. It’s as common as a thing can be. Maybe the reason its so hard for you to wrap your head around is because for so many women the only power they retain is the power to demand fidelity, and seeing women give up that particular power looks like total capitulation. But it really isn’t. In fact, these women struck me as much stronger, overall, because they have each other. It’s 3-4 against big dumb Kody, and it’s almost like they’ve reversed the usual dynamic: the only power HE retains is this power over their sexual lives… in every other way, they are the real power. That’s the thing that kinda creeped ME out: there was an element of sperm donor/stud going on. I got the distinct impression, because he IS such a goofyass, that these women have the hots for him in a bigger way than the usual polygamous family seems to. He’s definitely much better looking than the guys you usually see in this situation. And because he comes off as so damn stupid and silly, I didn’t get the impression that he had much power at all, more like the clueless quarterback that all the girls have the hots for, and all the girls manipulate the hell out of. He’s happy getting laid and playing with the kids. ---
**Author:** ![Peeta\_Mellark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bc8723/32.png) [@Peeta\_Mellark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peeta_Mellark)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/204 "2010-10-16T18:38:15Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I’m one of the people who bashed skulls with **Dio** over polyamory in another thread but I’m going to have to join with the chorus. > > It all seems like emotional blackmail to me. I don’t think this is healthy for them or their children. Yeah, I was in that thread, too. I think the fact that a bunch of us who have disagreed with him on poly topics before are still agreeing here that the relationship in question is unhealthy says a lot. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/205 "2010-10-16T18:44:51Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > _ **POLYGAMY HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH IT** _ > > You are focusing on the fact that in this particular marriage, his power to do things they can’t includes taking on a new spouse as though \*\*\*\*the act \*\*\*\*of taking on the additional spouse **is the source** of the power inequity!! This is what’s known as ass-backwards. However, it does. Your OP was that based entirely upon watching a one hour interview of THIS Poly family, that “\*\* I’ve decided polygamy is an excellent way to raise a family”\*\*. Thus if this Poly family sux (and all of those weird heritic mormon cults have very abusive sad families), then Poly sux. In actuality, as I (and others ) have said- there are many happy healthy Poly famiies out there. It can indeed work, and work very well for some. But if the reason the woman is in a Poly family is because she’s been brainwashed and ordered to do so, then no, it is disfunctional and even evil. 100% of the heritic mormon cult poly families are like that, even tho they carefully picked one that looks good on the surface. So- Poly can work, if it is indeed a matter of free and informed choice. It’s not that way in this family. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/206 "2010-10-16T18:46:33Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > Yes, we have provided Stoid with scads of evidence that polygamy, \*\*as practiced by those weird cults- \*\*is very very bad for everyone but the “Husband”, there’s child abuse, incest, pedophilia, welfare fraud, and everything. That’s what occurs, that’s what the Court documents and investigations show. Yes, and I’ve never disagreed in the slightest with any of it. What I disagree with is the completely illogical conclusion that practicing polygamy, in and of itself, by itself, leads to every bad thing that is associated with the weird people who practice it in a totally fucked up way as part of a completely fucked up way of life. And no one has provided a shred of evidence to support the contention that the practice of plural marriage **is the cause** of all the other fucked up things. Because they can’t. Because it isn’t. Because that makes no sense of any kind. See my previous post. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/207 "2010-10-16T18:51:18Z")
[quote=“DrDeth, post:205, topic:557218”] > [@Stoid](#): > > So- Poly can work, if it is indeed a matter of free and informed choice. It’s not that way in this family. YES. IT. IS. It even includes one wife who was raised completely apart from any poly influence of ANY kind, and her family was mortified by her choice to marry this way. So how you can possibly imagine that she did not make a free and informed choice to do this is beyond belief. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/208 "2010-10-16T18:56:23Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > > [@Stoid](#): > > > > _ **POLYGAMY HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH IT** _ > > > > You are focusing on the fact that in this particular marriage, his power to do things they can’t includes taking on a new spouse as though \*\*\*\*the act \*\*\*\*of taking on the additional spouse **is the source** of the power inequity!! This is what’s known as ass-backwards. > > However, it does. Your OP was that based entirely upon watching a one hour interview of THIS Poly family, that “\*\* I’ve decided polygamy is an excellent way to raise a family”\*\*. Thus if this Poly family sux (and all of those weird heritic mormon cults have very abusive sad families), then Poly sux. > > In actuality, as I (and others ) have said- there are many happy healthy Poly famiies out there. It can indeed work, and work very well for some. > > But if the reason the woman is in a Poly family is because she’s been brainwashed and ordered to do so, then no, it is disfunctional and even evil. 100% of the heritic mormon cult poly families are like that, even tho they carefully picked one that looks good on the surface. > > So- Poly can work, if it is indeed a matter of free and informed choice. It’s not that way in this family. By the way… this doesn’t even make any sense. You quote me making the point that polygamy does not confer power, then say absolutely nothing to refute that. And you go on to say that poly can work very well. So what the hell is your issue? You just disagree with my assessment that this particular family falls into the category of families for whom it works well? Why spend the energy if you agree that it CAN work, whether you think this family is a great example or not?? 😕😕 Especially since my point was that polygamy can work very well? ---
**Author:** ![Peeta\_Mellark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bc8723/32.png) [@Peeta\_Mellark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peeta_Mellark)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/209 "2010-10-16T19:09:12Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > So what the hell is your issue? You just disagree with my assessment that this particular family falls into the category of families for whom it works well? Why spend the energy if you agree that it CAN work, whether you think this family is a great example or not?? 😕😕 > > Especially since my point was that polygamy can work very well? Because it’s like someone saying socialized healthcare can work and then holding up a reality show that takes place in Cuba as an example of utopia. Sure, polygamy can work, but you’re not talking about polygamy in general. Your sole example and the subject of your OP is of members of a polygynous religious cult that have a reality show. Happy, healthy poly families exist out there, but it’s a whole different creature than what you’re talking about. ---
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/210 "2010-10-16T19:23:49Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > > [@Sarahfeena](#): > > > > Maybe we have different definitions of happiness, I don’t know. I do know that I personally don’t weep daily. I don’t weep weekly or monthly, for that matter. And I have a pretty open, emotionally available relationship with my husband and my kids and my friends and my family. I’m just not a crier. I think it seems unlikely that ALL of these women are by nature criers, and tend to just get weepy at every little thing, which makes me think that maybe there’s a little bit _too_ much raw emotion in the house to make it a truely comfortable, happy place to be. > > As I just noted, this was shot during a very emotionally intense period of their lives, including two pregnancies. I don’t know where you got two, only one of them was pregnant. But even so, I never cried through my pregnancies or my wedding. I’m still skeptical that regular life should inspire so many tears. > [@](#): > > That’s how you look at it, and there’s nothing right or wrong with it. > > But these women were very clear about their point of view regarding this, in many different ways. They desire to be part of this kind of family structure to begin with. They don’t tolerate it after it’s been forced on them. They want it. And they don’t want monogamy. But there’s a downside and a sacrafice: they will experience feelings of jealousy. They specifically do not want to feel those things, they consider such feelings something they want to overcome. **Not by having the trigger removed, but by their own growth.** That is an entirely valid choice, and an entirely valid point of view. > > It isn’t for YOU, because YOU believe that monogamy is best, and take those feelings as evidence that you’re “right”. > > But THEY don’t agree with you. THEY look upon plural marriage as an opportunity to gain many wonderful things, including an opportunity to improve themselves by overcoming what they view as petty, unproductive emotions of jealousy. > > Both points of view are valid for the individuals themselves, who choose their values. > > Maybe it’s easier for me to see it because my values include big doses of both…I am fundamentally monogamous, but I’m pretty free of sexual jealousy the way most people seem to experience it, and I can even do a bit of sharing. Sorry, I just simply don’t believe that if you had a monogamous friend who told you that they like to set themselves up to get hurt in relationships because it ultimately makes them a stronger, better person that you would think that seemed like a healthy thing to do. And I don’t actually see anything they’ve gained that they couldn’t equally gain through some great friendships. [QUOTE=Stoid] “Far, far beyond”?? Really? I disagree. I think he’s about average in the “clueless husband” category, he just happens to have four wives to be clueless about. [/QUOTE] None of the husbands I know are anywhere close to that clueless. You’d think he’d catch on faster, having 4 wives to give him a cluebat to the head. He’s not just clueless, he’s outright ignoring the things they say to him. That’s not being clueless, that’s being an asshole. [QUOTE=Stoid] Here’s where I think you have your blinders on **bigtime**. This is NOT what that family is teaching those children, not at all!! His daughter wants to go to Annapolis, for god’s sake!! (And he’s thrilled and proud and happy!) And the kids very clearly say multiple times that they are going to live their lives differently, and the mothers and Dad very clearly state multiple times that they support and encourage their children making their own choices about everything, even religion itself, even having none!:eek: and that all they want for them is to be happy!!! They sound like every normal, reasonable parent I’ve ever heard in my life. [/QUOTE] I didn’t say they were teaching it, I said they were modeling it. Which is just as bad, perhaps worse, since it’s much more insidious and harder to reject outright. And, yes, she wants to go to Annapolis, which is awesome, and they are great to encourage her. But I never said they’re modeling traditional roles in terms of careers, I said they’re modeling traditional roles in terms of relationships. She could be career military and still take her marching orders from her husband at home, and she’ll have learned that by seeing her mother do it. [QUOTE=Stoid] AND…most importantly, as I’ve pointed out before, “Man Rules, Woman Obeys” is taught in monogamous families by the millions. \*\* Polygamy has nothing to do with it.\*\* [/QUOTE] Right. And I’m against it whereever it happens to turn up. [QUOTE=Stoid] [QUOTE=Sarahfeena] 4) Ultimately, I do not like that it’s a situation in which one party can make changes and have power in negotiations that another party doesn’t have. I’m actually not of the opinion that these women are _miserable_, not at all. But all the adjustments and compromising is on their side, not his, and though you keep comparing that to the adjustments and compromise people make in monogamous relationships, I don’t believe it’s indicative of a healthy relationship of any kind when one side gives in all the time, and the other one doesn’t have to [/QUOTE] And I didn’t see that at all. NOT AT ALL. And if you did you’ll have to tell me where. The only area of conflict of any kind was the new wife, and while the current wives were grappling with various issues, none of them gave the slightest indication that they really didn’t want it and were just giving in because they had no choice, not even close. They all wanted it, very much so! Most of their unhappiness seemed to be about the time he was spending courting her, not the fact of his bringing her in to the family, because it took him away from them for days at a time. [/QUOTE] I didn’t see them as all wanting it. I saw some kind of twisted game Meri plays with herself where she sets her husband up with people and then gnashes her teeth and gives him guilt trips over it. I saw Christine upset cause the deal was practically done before she even had a chance to meet this new person so she could be sure she liked her and thought she would fit in. I saw a guy who fell in love and was going to move ahead with it no matter what his wives thought. Here’s the big thing you don’t seem to get about this family. \*He can marry anyone else he wants and bring them into the family any time he wants. And it doesn’t matter if any of them object. It’s his perogative. \* One or more wives could have a strenuous objection for any number of reasons, and it does not matter. Their happiness doesn’t really matter in this relationship, only his does. That’s what **Diogenes** has been saying to you, that their role is to serve him in making him happy, but it doesn’t go the other way. How this is supposed to be healthy or appropriate, I don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/211 "2010-10-16T19:38:30Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > > [@Sarahfeena](#): > > > > Well, in fairness, these folks don’t live in some kind of cult compound. > > Thank you! > > > [@](#): > > > > But emotionally, they’re stuck, that’s for sure. It’s not like they can negotiate any kind of change to the relationship without breaking it up, but he can. As I said, ultimately that’s my major issue with it. There’s something fundamentally fucked up, in my opinion, for an adult to let another person have that kind of power over them. > > Well, first of all…we disagree that this IS the situation in that house, but for the sake of argument let’s say it is. > > _ **POLYGAMY HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH IT** _ > > MILLIONS of men in MILLIONS of marriages make ALL the rules for their wives! Yeah, and I think those guys suck, too. > [@](#): > > You are focusing on the fact that in this particular marriage, his power to do things they can’t includes taking on a new spouse as though \*\*\*\*the act \*\*\*\*of taking on the additional spouse **is the source** of the power inequity!! This is what’s known as ass-backwards. > > Correlation vs. Causation…polygamy did not give him power over the relationship. His power over the relationship includes the power to have additional wives. > > Bitch about (what you perceive to be..) his unfair power, but don’t **blame** it on polygamy. I’m not. YOU were the one who said that THIS marriage is a great example of polygamy. I say it isn’t, because there are fundamental power inequities built into it. I’m not against the poly lifestyle per se, I’d just like a better example of one in which the power is distributed equally. > [@](#): > > And never forget that the wives **choose** it. This is _not_ a compound, they are _not_ forced, blah…blah…blah… As you said yourself, _ **they let him** _ have that power. > > Just like millions of other women who surrender their power to the men in their lives. It’s as common as a thing can be. Why does that make it OK? Why isn’t that telling you something about the way we raise girls in this society to consider themselves deserving of nothing better? > [@](#): > > Maybe the reason its so hard for you to wrap your head around is because for so many women the only power they retain is the power to demand fidelity, and seeing women give up that particular power looks like total capitulation. But it really isn’t. In fact, these women struck me as much stronger, overall, because they have each other. It’s 3-4 against big dumb Kody, and it’s almost like they’ve reversed the usual dynamic: the only power HE retains is this power over their sexual lives… in every other way, they are the real power. > > That’s the thing that kinda creeped ME out: there was an element of sperm donor/stud going on. I got the distinct impression, because he IS such a goofyass, that these women have the hots for him in a bigger way than the usual polygamous family seems to. He’s definitely much better looking than the guys you usually see in this situation. And because he comes off as so damn stupid and silly, I didn’t get the impression that he had much power at all, more like the clueless quarterback that all the girls have the hots for, and all the girls manipulate the hell out of. He’s happy getting laid and playing with the kids. Well, that sounds healthy. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2010, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/212 "2010-10-16T20:43:42Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > > [@DrDeth](#): > > > > Yes, we have provided Stoid with scads of evidence that polygamy, \*\*as practiced by those weird cults- \*\*is very very bad for everyone but the “Husband”, there’s child abuse, incest, pedophilia, welfare fraud, and everything. That’s what occurs, that’s what the Court documents and investigations show. > > Yes, and I’ve never disagreed in the slightest with any of it. > > What I disagree with is the completely illogical conclusion that practicing polygamy, in and of itself, by itself, leads to every bad thing that is associated with the weird people who practice it in a totally fucked up way as part of a completely fucked up way of life. > > And no one has provided a shred of evidence to support the contention that the practice of plural marriage **is the cause** of all the other fucked up things. Because they can’t. Because it isn’t. Because that makes no sense of any kind. See my previous post. Actually, that’s what I’m trying to do - is explain why a plural marriage has less chance of being successful than a traditional one. The more people involved in a relationship, the more opportunities there are for someone to flake out and betray trust. The more sides there are to take, the more disagreements on how to raise the children. Particularly when you are talking about a marriage of equals. In part, the FDLS style of polygamy works because there is someone with whom the buck stops - and divorce is a last resort. Pull it out in the real world and it takes unusual people to make it work - people who are very willing to make compromises and put the family before their own needs. The level of commitment required is multiplied by at least the number of adults involved. For instance, I’ve watched a poly marriage fall apart when several members would like to bring in a specific new person, but one or two of the existing spouses didn’t approve. Sometimes some of the core remains, but adults enter and leave the marriage over the course of the kids’ childhoods - that isn’t exactly stable. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2010, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/213 "2010-10-17T00:57:40Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > How about the fact that they don’t have equal rights, **Stoid**? Are yoiu ever going to address that? Still waiting for an answer. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2010, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/214 "2010-10-17T01:07:10Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > How about the fact that they don’t have equal rights, **Stoid**? Are yoiu ever going to address that? > > Still waiting for an answer. But they’re totally happy. Can’t you see? They’re crying and freaking out whenever their husband kisses another woman and tearing each other down. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2010, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/215 "2010-10-17T01:36:36Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > And no one has provided a shred of evidence to support the contention that the practice of plural marriage **is the cause** of all the other fucked up things. Because they can’t. Because it isn’t. Because that makes no sense of any kind. See my previous post. And you haven’t “provided a shred of evidence” to support YOUR statement that “polygamy is an EXCELLENT way to raise a family.” Other than watching an hour of Oprah. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2010, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/216 "2010-10-17T02:53:48Z")
> [@Peeta\_Mellark](#): > > > [@Stoid](#): > > > > So what the hell is your issue? You just disagree with my assessment that this particular family falls into the category of families for whom it works well? Why spend the energy if you agree that it CAN work, whether you think this family is a great example or not?? 😕😕 > > > > Especially since my point was that polygamy can work very well? > > Because it’s like someone saying socialized healthcare can work and then holding up a reality show that takes place in Cuba as an example of utopia. Sure, polygamy can work, but you’re not talking about polygamy in general. Your sole example and the subject of your OP is of members of a polygynous religious cult that have a reality show. > > Happy, healthy poly families exist out there, but it’s a whole different creature than what you’re talking about. Holy crap, I started this thread to say that I think it can work great. I came to this conclusion watching this family. It was the CONCLUSION that I was sharing, not some rigid, immovable declaration that this family must be held up by all as the ultimate expression of an ideal poly lifestyle! Evidently a lot of people agree with my _conclusion_. Sheesh. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2010, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/217 "2010-10-17T02:56:11Z")
Right. You came to this conclussion seeing said family interviewed on _Oprah_. Mmkay. “Sheesh” indeed. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2010, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/218 "2010-10-17T03:27:30Z")
Your conclusion was uninformed, unsupported and frankly, ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2010, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/219 "2010-10-17T03:47:42Z")
> [@Sarahfeena](#): > > But even so, I never cried through my pregnancies or my wedding. I’m still skeptical that regular life should inspire so many tears. It’s not regular life. It’s pregnant and adding a new wife after sixteen years life. And apart from that, you are obviously not a teary person, and that’s fine. I am, and I’m telling you: it does not mean that a person is miserable. You and your life experience are not the standard against which all people should be measured, nor am I. We are all different. > [@](#): > > Sorry, I just simply don’t believe that if you had a monogamous friend who told you that they like to set themselves up to get hurt in relationships because it ultimately makes them a stronger, better person that you would think that seemed like a healthy thing to do. And I don’t actually see anything they’ve gained that they couldn’t equally gain through some great friendships. That’s not a really accurate way of stating what they are doing. Lots of things in life can make you feel both good and bad, and depending on the weight of each, you choose to have the thing or not. They have chosen to embrace the benefits of a polygamous life. It makes them happy and fulfilled. But it entails some sacrifice, too - it means dealing with jealousy. Having decided you want the benefits and you know that you are not impervious to feelings of jealousy, what are you going to do with it? Wallow? Bitch, complain, whine, dwell? Or recognize that jealousy is an unproductive and unattractive emotion to begin with, and look upon this as an opportunity to shed that? Some people don’t have any issue with jealousy. They think it’s a valid emotion that signals a problem, perhaps, so they are ok with the fact that they react in a jealous way to things that are reasonably expected to trigger jealousy, and see no need to change that, only change the thing that triggers the jealous response. Other people, like these women, dislike the jealous response in themselves. They don’t want to react like that to begin with, because they do not wish to be rid of the thing that triggers the response! They like that thing for the most part, they just don’t like feeling that way. So they are choosing to change their feelings. You, because you are not interested in a polygamous life, think that the only right answer is to remove the trigger, not modify the response. But they do not view the trigger as the problem, they view their response as the problem. It’s really not that uncommon for people to put themselves in positions that are unpleasant so they can overcome the feelings they have about them. If you don’ like the way you react to something, the way to deal with it is to confront the thing that makes you react that way and teach yourself not to. Consider that some people might not like the way they get angry or fearful over certain things. So they confront the thing that makes them angry or fearful in order to desensitize themselves and stop having the unwanted emotional response. You can change your feelings, or you can change your circumstance. If you like a lot of things about your circumstance, it seems pretty logical you should do what you can to change the feelings that interfere. > [@](#): > > Here’s the big thing you don’t seem to get about this family. \*He can marry anyone else he wants and bring them into the family any time he wants. And it doesn’t matter if any of them object. It’s his perogative. \* One or more wives could have a strenuous objection for any number of reasons, and it does not matter. Their happiness doesn’t really matter in this relationship, only his does. That’s what **Diogenes** has been saying to you, that their role is to serve him in making him happy, but it doesn’t go the other way. How this is supposed to be healthy or appropriate, I don’t know. You are incorrect. They were very clear about it on Oprah, less so in the show, but there’s no question that no new wife can be added without the rest of the other wives approving. And the other wives did and do approve. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2010, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218/220 "2010-10-17T03:50:17Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > And you haven’t “provided a shred of evidence” to support YOUR statement that “polygamy is an EXCELLENT way to raise a family.” Other than watching an hour of Oprah. Kids seem very healthy and happy to me. YMMV. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-polygamy-is-an-excellent-way-to-raise-a-family/557218.md?page=12)