# I've decided to stop lighting my cigars with $100 bills. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 8, 2006, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544 "2006-02-08T15:29:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/41 "2006-02-09T13:52:05Z")
I don’t care what y’all say… I like Perrier, you like Perrier. You can understand my insistence in continuing maintenance payments on the trans-atlantic pipeline that delivers Perrier from France to my kitchen sink. 'nuff said. The moon is the only safe place I can keep my collection of platinum-weave handkerchiefs. I _know_ you don’t expect me to use the same one twice (shudder!) The daily launches stay scheduled! And I’m keeping the diamonds on the soles of my shoes! ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/42 "2006-02-09T13:59:48Z")
And I must keep my diamond encrusted bras and panties Of course, maybe I could wear them for a full day instead of changing everytime a diamond falls out. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/43 "2006-02-09T15:05:10Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > And I must keep my diamond encrusted bras and panties Of course, maybe I could wear them for a full day instead of changing everytime a diamond falls out. Don’t you find they, ah, chafe rather a lot? One’s underthings must be made of panda fur for _real_ comfort. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/44 "2006-02-09T15:12:43Z")
> [@Little Nemo](#): > > You’re right. We shouldn’t be talking about things like this in a regular forum where anyone can drop by and read it. You’re right. Last night I went trap shooting at the country club and the birds were no longer glistening like they had in the past, and the shot seemed a little different, like lighter or something. I asked the owner what the deal was and he told me that he read something on the internet about cutting back expenses and now instead of jewel encrusted birds and solid gold buck shot that they now use the ‘standard’ equipment available at most retailers. ☹ With trepidation, I went straight to the lounge and lit three fat cubans (at the same time, each with their own $100 bill) and slammed a bottle of Louis Roederer Cristal, just in case. I need counseling. He also mentioned cancelling the weekly supercar demo-derby. The Saleen S7 _always_ wins that! ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/45 "2006-02-09T15:15:08Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > And I must keep my diamond encrusted bras and panties Of course, maybe I could wear them for a full day instead of changing everytime a diamond falls out. So that’s how you are maintaining the stock of diamonds in your diamond-terrazzo footpaths! That’s much too efficient. I use volcanoes. Custom volcanoes, whose enhanced kimberlite pipes are trained to follow the paths’ eventual courses. They erupt in soundproofed glory each night, then the elves and vivisection test subjects clear away the rock, level and smooth the kimberlite, and make the terrazzo right there on the spot. And all before 7AM, when the first helicopter flights are scheduled to arrive. Can’t have too much Perrier, you know. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/46 "2006-02-09T15:19:22Z")
> [@Kythereia](#): > > **Sunspace** , you’re really weird. > > I like that about you. Awww… :: blush :: ---
**Author:** ![marque\_elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71c47a/32.png) [@marque\_elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marque_elf)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/47 "2006-02-10T16:24:07Z")
I’ve been noticing that the Girl Scout cookies I’ve been purchasing by the carton load _simply forever_ are getting a wee bit pricey. They tell me that the reason for this is that it’s harder for the bakers to find the real Girl Scouts to make the cookies out of. I find this shocking as I’ve never used anything else for my elevenses. I hear that there is another brand of Girl Scout cookies but, I find this appalling, the Girl Scouts are selling them and are not the major ingredient! Imagine, indoctrinating the tykes in capitalism. Soon, those tykes will be trying to make cookies out of me! Oh, to live in such decadent times. Apres moi, le deluge. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/48 "2006-02-10T17:04:35Z")
> [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#): > > You know, I’ve been thinking about those orders that I gave to Mayor Ray. Chocolate doesn’t seem too expensive, but using it to build an entire city seems… excessive. I’ve had some engineers come in recently, and let me tell you, they seemed to think that I would need to purchse sveral tons of the stuff just for one sky-scraper. Probobly just as well, It might end as badly as that city I built on Rock 'n Roll. Not the best material for foundations. > > Also, the Don Perignon bubble baths are getting a wee bit pricey. As are the new bronze statues of me that I get every time it rains. I suppose I could just build a marble hall to keep them in. If you think the Dom Perignon baths are expensive, I’d really hate to know what you think of my Cristal filled olympic size pool. I suppose I could cut back to only having it drained and refilled weekly instead of daily. _sigh_ Someone remind me why we’re economizing? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/49 "2006-02-10T17:12:34Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > If you think the Dom Perignon baths are expensive, I’d really hate to know what you think of my Cristal filled olympic size pool. I suppose I could cut back to only having it drained and refilled weekly instead of daily. _sigh_ Someone remind me why we’re economizing? You had your pool filled only daily? I find that a fresh fill each time I step in is best. After all, sometimes I want Perrier, sometimes magnesium sulphate, and sometimes bubble bath. Ahh… there’s nothing like a moat filled with bubble bath. And at just the right temperature. Relax, swim around the castle, whatever. The way the steam floats off it and mixes with the bubbles and the falling snow is charming. Sometimes I really like living in Antarctica. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/50 "2006-02-10T17:20:27Z")
> [@The Weird One](#): > > Don’t you find they, ah, chafe rather a lot? One’s underthings must be made of panda fur for _real_ comfort. Pandas are for peasants. My underthings are made of rare albino African endangered rhino. The outsides are diamond encrusted. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/51 "2006-02-10T17:42:32Z")
Perhaps I should have all those platinum toilets downgraded to gold… ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/52 "2006-02-10T17:43:27Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > How do you light a manservant? Why, with a hand-carved ebony match, of course. You don’t want to foul the air with a (shudder) Zippo; certainly not. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![MotorCityMadman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/54ee81/32.png) [@MotorCityMadman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MotorCityMadman)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/53 "2006-02-10T18:13:22Z")
\_ rslv t stp sing vwls nd pncttn ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/54 "2006-02-10T18:22:31Z")
> [@MotorCityMadman](#): > > \_ rslv t stp sing vwls nd pncttn I see you missed one. I should probably wait untill my slaves have been worked to death. It seems a bit more effiect than just killing them to use their skulls as drinking glasses. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/55 "2006-02-10T18:24:36Z")
> [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#): > > I see you missed one. > > I should probably wait untill my slaves have been worked to death. It seems a bit more effiect than just killing them to use their skulls as drinking glasses. i prefer that they liquidate themselves and just empty themselves into my mouth before death. i like to recline as i feast on the innocent. yeah, i’ll stop posting in this thread, now. ---
**Author:** ![Corner\_Case](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/corner_case/32/234_2.png) [@Corner\_Case](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corner_Case)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/56 "2006-02-10T18:30:45Z")
> [@Nature's Call](#): > > True, but now that I’ve run out of manservants who would light themselves on fire, I must seek alternative means (though there’s always the neighbouring towns…) However those interfering, uh, unions I believe they are called, are making it more and more difficult to fire manservants of late. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2006, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/57 "2006-02-11T07:40:08Z")
I think I’ll install a filtration system in the gigantic money bin I swim in, so I can reuse the gold coins I swim in, instead of getting new, fresh ones every couple of weeks. And I’m going to cut back on using my Military-Industrial-Entertainment Establishment Complex to needlessly oppress black people…instead, I’ll focus my efforts on simply finishing off the red and blue peoples. (It’ll be cheaper, AND easier. And, thus, better for our Mother Earth.) ---
**Author:** ![humann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/838e76/32.png) [@humann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/humann)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2006, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/58 "2006-02-11T17:40:29Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > _sigh_ Someone remind me why we’re economizing? Same reason we’re in Iraq and on the Grammys and all the rest. The fabulous pretense of our continued existence. After all, without these and the rest of our justifications, what are we really? Free men? Women? Ow, stop. If I wasn’t getting a pedicure right now I’d look up and include some good biblical stuff about our god-given right to prosper. Or Ayn Rand or something. Call me in an hour. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2006, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/59 "2006-02-11T21:53:18Z")
Inspired by this thread, I have decided that my interest in blood diamonds involves unreasonable expense. So I resolve to eliminate the middle man and start macheteing the children of recalcitrant mine workers myself. ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2006, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544/60 "2006-02-12T21:13:38Z")
For me, it’s going to be no more Mister Nice Guy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-decided-to-stop-lighting-my-cigars-with-100-bills/343544.md?page=4)