# I've got wood.
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [June 16, 2000, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592 "2000-06-16T15:16:11Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/1 "2000-06-16T15:16:11Z")
It’s stacked up in my back yard.
See, The cable company came out last year, and had to drop some new cable in the neighborhood. My yard was one of those that needed a little digging.
Well, my cable box happens to be inside a small stand of aspens, maybe five of them.
The cable company did so much digging that they killed off two and a half of them. (one’s half dead)
So, I’ve cut the dead ones down. I don’t have a chainsaw, so I have to go outside with a handsaw, and cut away.
The problem is, I’m too lazy to continue cutting them into small pieces, so I have three 25-30 foot trees cut into about 6 foot lengths in my backyard.
How much do chainsaws cost, anyway? This sucks.
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### Author:  [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/2 "2000-06-16T15:18:58Z")
Hey, just rent one!
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### Author:  [@Wonko\_The\_Sane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wonko_The_Sane)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/3 "2000-06-16T15:32:38Z")
Buy a machete. They save a bunch of time limbing the trees and breaking down the branches into stackable peices. I figure what takes a saw and pruning shears 3-5 minutes takes a machete about 15-20 seconds; it’s also a lot more fun, and gets the neighbors to keep their noisy kids inside for the rest of the afternoon. You can get one at a camping or military surplus store. The military surplus stores usually have them cheaper (5-10 bucks). Also- sharpen it with a file, not a stone; the edge will hold longer.
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### Author:  [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/4 "2000-06-16T15:39:37Z")
One word – dynamite.
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### Author:  [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/5 "2000-06-16T15:49:15Z")
Damn! And I thought we were gonna talk about sex. Oh well. 😉
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### Author:  [@Fyodor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fyodor)
#### Post date: [June 16, 2000, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/6 "2000-06-16T16:05:20Z")
I’m an old wood chopper from way back. Renting a chain saw is very good advice. A good axe is preferable to a machete. When I was younger and worked cutting lines in the bush I suggested we carry machetes as well as axes. The old crew boss asked if I had ever seen tropical workers who work with machetes. Apparently the smart ones wear shin guards that very quickly have nicks in them. Careless use of an axe will cripple you for life also. Picture the axe swinging into the side of your foot (shiver). Make sure there is someone else around when you are cutting wood.
Machetes are for Jamaican cane cutters, the axe is a North American classic. Remember the hundred year old axe in the book “Cold Mountain”? The handle had been replaced four times and the head replaced twice(or something like that) and it was a hundred years old.
A dull axe is a dangerous axe. Sharpen the axe razor sharp with a file - just file at a slight angle by stroking straight at the cutting edge. Apply lots of pressure, this ain’t a surgical instrument. Another cool axe sharpening technique is to brace the axe against you, hold the end of the file in one place against the side of the axe head, and with the other hand pivot the file along the sharp edge sort of like a windshield wiper (wearing work gloves). This technique will put a razor edge on in seconds. Old axe heads are often half the size of a new axe from constant sharpening.
One last tip - frozen wood is a lot easier to work with. It’s less springy and more brittle.
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### Author:  [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)
#### Post date: [June 17, 2000, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/7 "2000-06-17T23:05:13Z")
Are there any independent contractors in your area who can take care of it? There’s usually someone who supplements his regular income by doing jobs like this, that are too taxing for DIY, but too small for full-time carpenters and such to bother with. Check the classifieds.
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### Author:  [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)
#### Post date: [June 17, 2000, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/8 "2000-06-17T23:10:53Z")
I have a chain saw, its no toy though. You might put some ad up near them saying ‘free wood’ & hope someone takes it.
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### Author:  [@aha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aha)
#### Post date: [June 17, 2000, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/9 "2000-06-17T23:19:58Z")
Mr C. Try buying a “Woodshark” I think it’s made by poulan. You can buy one at walmart for about 110 dollars. Should be nothing for a monied man such as yourself. 😃
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### Author:  [@VaHermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VaHermit)
#### Post date: [June 17, 2000, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/10 "2000-06-17T23:32:35Z")
Why don’t you put a small ad in the paper or on a buy/sell program on the radio; “Free firewood, you cut it- you take it.”
I don’t know where you live, but around here it would be gone in a day, no muss no fuss.
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### Author:  [@2nd\_Law](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2nd_Law)
#### Post date: [June 18, 2000, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/11 "2000-06-18T00:30:08Z")
If you’re doing a small job, you might try an electric chainsaw. I had one tree that needed to come down, and I manged to find an electric at Menard’s for under $50 as I recall. Sometimes it’s a handy thing to have around, but for me it’s generally less than once a year.
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### Author:  [@Angkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angkins)
#### Post date: [June 18, 2000, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/12 "2000-06-18T00:32:47Z")
Could we have a bonfire at your place with it? 😃
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### Author:  [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)
#### Post date: [June 18, 2000, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/13 "2000-06-18T00:53:06Z")
Just sounding like a Greek chorus here (“me too, me too, me too”), if you have a use for the wood, rent a chainsaw for a few hours. I got one for about $30 bucks for 4 hour hours after a bad storm brought down some tree limbs.
If you don’t have a use for it, either put a sign in your yard (if feasible) or spring for a cheapie classified ad: “Free fire wood; you chop it and haul it”.
Or you _could_ host one hell of a backyard Doper party, complete with monster bonfire. We’ll bring the assorted beverages and snacks. We _love_ fires and explosions and…is there a fire hydrant near your house?
Veb
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### Author:  [@Angkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angkins)
#### Post date: [June 18, 2000, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/14 "2000-06-18T01:02:38Z")
I just pulled out my cooler and filled it with beer and ice… I have the tequilla and a really long extension cord for the blender…are margaritas suitable for a bonfire or should we stick to shots??
And I have 3 bags of marshmellows… is that enough?
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### Author:  [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)
#### Post date: [June 18, 2000, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/15 "2000-06-18T01:17:14Z")
Blender drinks, shots, we’re not picky…
Lessee, you got marshmallows; wonder what happens when you roast Frankenstuff weenies over an aspen bonfire?
_Doper Blast at Mr. Cynical’s place!_
Kerosene, lawn chairs, blankets, almond oil…can you pop corn by tossing directly into the fire? Oh. Mind we borrow a few of the hubcaps off your car, Mr. C.?
Veb
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### Author:  [@Danielinthewolvesden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danielinthewolvesden)
#### Post date: [June 18, 2000, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/16 "2000-06-18T01:31:04Z")
Mr. Cynical, Oh great male Slut: you start a thread with “I’ve got wood”, AND IT’S ABOUT ACTUAL WOOD?!? 😃
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### Author:  [@Medea\_s\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medea_s_Child)
#### Post date: [June 18, 2000, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/17 "2000-06-18T01:38:44Z")
anywhere there is that much fire count me in! I can’t bring much stuff to share, but I’ll dance around half naked. Fire has that affect on me.
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### Author:  [@Angkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angkins)
#### Post date: [June 18, 2000, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/18 "2000-06-18T01:38:58Z")
ROTFLMAO!
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### Author:  [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)
#### Post date: [June 18, 2000, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/19 "2000-06-18T03:13:47Z")
> [@](#):
>
> I can’t bring much stuff to share, but I’ll dance around half naked. Fire has that affect on me.
Good to know that it takes a little more than just turning on the computer for some of us to get naked. If we bother dressing at all.
😉
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### Author:  [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)
#### Post date: [June 18, 2000, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-got-wood/22592/20 "2000-06-18T03:29:23Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*\*
> Mr. Cynical, Oh great male Slut: you start a thread with “I’ve got wood”, AND IT’S ABOUT ACTUAL WOOD?!? 😃
> \*\*
Glad–or sumthin’–that someone else nailed ::koff!:: the inevitable “Daniel’s got a woodie!” reference.
Show and tell, anyone?
Veb
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