# I've gotta stop eating in restaurants! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 6, 2013, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440 "2013-02-06T01:29:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/21 "2013-02-06T18:11:07Z")
That would be the hole truth, alright. Gee, I’ve never gotton to hear an expert fart before. ---
**Author:** ![kath94](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/67e7ee/32.png) [@kath94](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kath94)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/22 "2013-02-06T19:31:00Z")
My father used to let 'em rip and then complain about “barking spiders” in the house. I thought of that when I was alone in a room with my young (4? 5?) year old niece. I let one rip & it was MUCH larger & louder than I expected, so I immediately asked my niece if she heard that barking spider. Cute little anecdote, passing on my father’s “wisdom” to his granddaughter, right? Until we both came back downstairs & she ran up to her mother & father (my brother) and with a sense of wonder starting telling them about how she had heard a barking spider. I completely lost it at that point, I was laughing so hard. Oh, Dad, I miss you so much! ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/23 "2013-02-06T21:11:12Z")
> [@Enlightening\_Meditation](#): > > It could have been worse. A friend of mine ripped a big one while testifying as expert witness in court. He described it as a huge ‘BRAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!’ amplified by the oak bench of the witness stand and echoed through the courtroom. The judge even laughed and had to call a short recess for the hilarity to blow over. Adds a whole new meaning to “clear the courtroom.” ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/24 "2013-02-06T21:15:29Z")
> [@kath94](#): > > My father used to let 'em rip and then complain about “barking spiders” in the house. I thought of that when I was alone in a room with my young (4? 5?) year old niece. I let one rip & it was MUCH larger & louder than I expected, so I immediately asked my niece if she heard that barking spider. > > Cute little anecdote, passing on my father’s “wisdom” to his granddaughter, right? Until we both came back downstairs & she ran up to her mother & father (my brother) and with a sense of wonder starting telling them about how she had heard a barking spider. I completely lost it at that point, I was laughing so hard. > > Oh, Dad, I miss you so much! ☹ I told my aunt about the “Who stepped on a duck?” thing. But first, I had to tell her in Hindi. The word for duck is “batak”, prononunced kind of like “shutup”. I don’t know why but ducks are funny in every language and we were giggling like mad. And then she’d fart again and we’d be like THAT WAS A BIG FUCKING DUCK! and collapse into laughter. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/25 "2013-02-06T22:59:12Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I told my aunt about the “Who stepped on a duck?” thing. But first, I had to tell her in Hindi. The word for duck is “batak”, prononunced kind of like “shutup”. I don’t know why but ducks are funny in every language and we were giggling like mad. > > And then she’d fart again and we’d be like THAT WAS A BIG FUCKING DUCK! and collapse into laughter. LOL - our house is infested with invisible ducks. Unfortunately the little ones are catching on. ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/26 "2013-02-07T00:21:09Z")
My mom blames it on geese. Sometimes there’s just one around here somewhere, sometimes there’s a gaggle must be lurking just outside. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/27 "2013-02-07T04:45:12Z")
> [@kath94](#): > > My father used to let 'em rip and then complain about “barking spiders” in the house. My high-school English teacher (who was probably only 23 or 24 years old, himself, at the time) would comment on “barking spiders” when someone would fart in class. At an all-male high school, no one worried about not being crude in front of the (non-existent) girls. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/28 "2013-02-07T04:52:36Z")
Fluffy, you had me laughing so hard that I farted. ---
**Author:** ![movingfinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@movingfinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/movingfinger)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/29 "2013-02-07T08:15:51Z")
It wasn’t “cruciferous vegetables night”, was it? ---
**Author:** ![Fluffy\_PickleSniffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/77aa72/32.png) [@Fluffy\_PickleSniffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fluffy_PickleSniffer)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/30 "2013-02-07T10:26:18Z")
I’ve never heard of barking spiders, though I have heard ducks in a room on occasion. With my Dad it was always “Listen! Do you hear it? There’s an elephant nearby!” and he’d actually get us kids looking under tables and behind furniture for the stinky elephant trumpeting away. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/31 "2013-02-07T13:23:06Z")
> [@SeaDragonTattoo](#): > > My mom blames it on geese. Sometimes there’s just one around here somewhere, sometimes there’s a gaggle must be lurking just outside. Imagining a bunch of geese farting, now we see why they call it a gaggle. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/32 "2013-02-07T13:37:55Z")
With geese, it’s usually sharts. There was such a geese sharting problem on the Toronto Islands that geese were rounded, driven out of town, and dumped in Barrie, much to the annoyance of the fine people there. ---
**Author:** ![leftfield6](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leftfield6/32/18780_2.png) [@leftfield6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leftfield6)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/33 "2013-02-07T13:55:14Z")
Great OP, had me actually laughing alone here at the keyboard. My dad’s line after letting one rip was “God Damn Groundhogs!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/34 "2013-02-07T15:02:02Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > Fluffy, you had me laughing so hard that I farted. My daughter does that a lot. That and she also farts when she sneezes and I think both of them come out of her at about 100 mph. If she was laying on her side on a slick floor and sneeze farted she’d probably spin around like a propeller. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/35 "2013-02-07T15:04:09Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > My daughter does that a lot. That and she also farts when she sneezes and I think both of them come out of her at about 100 mph. If she was laying on her side on a slick floor and sneeze farted she’d probably spin around like a propeller. If I hadn’t already just farted a few minutes ago, when I read this I laughed hard enough I probable would have again. Oh wait…ok. Sincerely, Sicks, who mixed a can of red beans into his hamburger for grilling last night. Yum! ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/36 "2013-02-07T15:19:13Z")
OP’s story made me giggle. 🙂 Kind of reminds me of the time I was trying to teach my boyfriend yoga. We were both sitting on the floor in a kind of lotus pose. “How does it feel?” I asked him. “It feels like I’m going to fart,” he replied. JUST as he said that there was a little “boop?!” sound from my own rear end. I couldn’t have timed it better if I’d tried. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440/37 "2013-02-07T15:32:34Z")
> [@Infovore](#): > > Totally! Normally I don’t like fart jokes, but this one…oh, my. I had _tears!_ 😃 But that wasn’t a fart joke. It was a fart EPIC. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-gotta-stop-eating-in-restaurants/649440.md?page=1)