# I've Made A Horrible Mistake Moving In With This Roommate **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 8, 2011, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860 "2011-03-08T00:10:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/41 "2011-03-08T15:53:54Z")
Alice. DO NOT fall into the trap of allowing her problems to become your problems. Don’t lend money, don’t bail her out of jail, don’t offer any extra help. Save every penny for your upcoming move. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/42 "2011-03-08T16:12:10Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > It’s also worth thinking about legal issues. If there is no written lease (at least if you were in my state) that means there’s a “month-to-month” lease automatically in effect. That \*is \*a lot easier to get out of, but it’s not as easy as packing your stuff and tossing her your keys. You still have to give 30 days notice to the landlord. Or pay the 30 days rent as you’re running out the door. Same problem with finances, however. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/43 "2011-03-08T16:29:09Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Good points. But I think it was EvilRoomie’s child who goes to Dad half the week, right? > > Yeah, could you get a storage unit right away? Even just a little closet-sized one and start moving important stuff into it a bit every day. She could decide to change the locks at any moment, and with no lease you’d be in trouble. > > I’m sorry, I don’t want to add panic to your situation. . . if she is going to get caught, you want to be on the record as reporting it. Let us know what co-abode says. > > Once you are out, consider offering to testify for her ex if he’s stable. He will need help to prove the child is being endangered. > > And once you are out, call that poor wife and tell her that her health is in jeopardy. I seriously doubt that ER is monogamous . . . or careful. > > ETA: I agree that a shelter is not the best option, but the local socialworkers may have another choice - like apartments or something. It might be worth asking about if you’re not already familiar with the choices. I would advise against offering to testify against the ex or report his infidelities to his wife. That is none of your business and her moral or immoral choices have nothing to do with you. I do not think it is your responsibility to “fix” her or her situation or make things right with some married guy’s relationship (that doesn’t involve you and about which you know next to nothing). It is not against the law to cheat on one’s spouse and the roomie sleeping with a married guy should not even really be on the kids’ radar. Her kid is her problem. Focus on yours and what elements (people, behavior, environment) you want your child to be influenced by. Right now, I’d say Mission Critical Job Number One is to make sure your kid spends more time with his dad until this is all straightened out and you can provide a secure, safe, stable environment for your kid. Living with an addict ≠ safe, stable, or secure. ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/44 "2011-03-08T17:46:13Z")
What can we do to help you get out as quickly as possible? ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/45 "2011-03-08T19:56:20Z")
Most people can’t afford to simply leave a month’s rent on the table. Alice has said that finances were one reason she chose a co-abode situation. Dog - I don’t understand how you can be so adamant about getting Alice’s child out of there, then turn around and recommend against helping get the ER’s younger child into a more stable situation. I did say do it after she moves, but where the welfare of a child is involved we are all responsible. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/46 "2011-03-08T20:39:47Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Most people can’t afford to simply leave a month’s rent on the table. Alice has said that finances were one reason she chose a co-abode situation. > > Dog - I don’t understand how you can be so adamant about getting Alice’s child out of there, then turn around and recommend against helping get the ER’s younger child into a more stable situation. I did say do it after she moves, but where the welfare of a child is involved we are all responsible. I am suggesting that Alice’s emotional and financial resources are limited; therefore, **IMO** her priority is her own child first. I do understand the collective responsibility toward the roommate’s child, but extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. Get her own child safe and secure first, _then_ worry about someone else’s kid. If it were me, and I actually had kids, I’m sure I’d be real sorry about that other lady’s kid, but my primary concern would be my own. For me, living in an abusive/addictive environment is tantamount to a life-threatening emergency. (I have been that kid in the addictive/abusive home.) And if things get dicey, that could very well be life or death. If it makes you feel better, then I can advocate an anonymous call to CPS for the other kid once Alice gets her own out of harm’s way. It just sounds to me like she’s busting her ass to barely scrape by so solving her own problems is the first order of business before she wades into solving someone else’s. I’m also all for saving wayward and orphaned cats and dogs, but I do not have a house full of them myself. As much as we’d all like to be able to, we cannot save 'em all. I’m not suggesting throwing the roommate’s kid to the wolves, but just make sure her own kid is safe and she’s stable and secure _first_. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/47 "2011-03-08T20:52:06Z")
I do feel better, thanks. And we agree, put the oxygen mask on yourself first. . . ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/48 "2011-03-08T22:15:26Z")
> [@Merneith](#): > > 1. You should talk to the police about her drug habits. When she informed you that she was buying pills illegally, she made you a party to her crimes. I am curious. How so? Because they live in the same house? ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2011, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/49 "2011-03-08T22:42:03Z")
I’m a bit shocked by the over-reactions in this thread. Call the police? \*Move to an emergency shelter? \* Are you kidding me? Shelters are to escape from horrible roommates, yes. But the kind who pose a personal threat to your immediate safety, not the kind who roll their eyes every time you walk into a room. Alice, I wish you the best. I still think the best solution is for you to do exactly what you’re doing and that is to try to find an alternate housing arrangement asap. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/50 "2011-03-09T01:18:08Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > I still think the best solution is for you to do exactly what you’re doing and that is to try to find an alternate housing arrangement asap. I usually refrain from offering advice in this sort of thread, but in this case I must concur. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Sateryn76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Sateryn76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sateryn76)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/51 "2011-03-09T01:22:21Z")
> [@Sarabellum1976](#): > > I’d also be on the lookout for some probably retribution when she gets wind that you’re about to bail. > > Protect your personal information. Make certain that she can’t get her hands on your SS#. > > Protect your valuables. If you have somewhere off-site you can put things that you’d rather not have mysteriously disappear, do it. (Trunk of your car, maybe?) If she asks where the computer / game system / whatever went,\*\* tell her you pawned it. \*\* > > Give as little notice as possible. Not to leave her in the lurch, but to make sure she doesn’t do something awful to sabotage you or your son. > > Sorry you’re going through this. ☹ Bolding mine… Do you have anything you can pawn? I’d do it, and use that money to move, along with this month’s rent. You can check eBay for common prices. I would not feel this strongly if you didn’t have a kid with you in this situation. This is pretty unfair to him - I know you’re in a bad spot financially, but this kind of situation has all the hallmarks of a quick downward spiral when you add the recent DUI in. You really don’t want to take the chance that he’ll see something that he’ll never forget. I don’t know if I could remain in a situation that would require me to “shield” my kid from a stranger. And, yes, contact the place that put you there - I’m sure they have access to resources that can help you. You have no need to “feel bad” about ending up there, so no worries about telling them what’s going on. I don’t know that you need to worry about her kid - we only can do what we can do. And certainly no need to worry about the wife. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/52 "2011-03-09T02:25:43Z")
I can sympathize with you **Alice**. In one of my few roommate situations, on the very day I moved in, the roommate, my boon companion from days of yore, started bellowing at me like I was his bitch. Like an idiot, I had some moral compunctions about keeping my word/agreement, etc… Even though he is, once again, just about my best friend, the very idea that I would allow myself to be treated like that, for some ethereal concept of ‘being fair’ (???) makes me cringe on an almost weekly basis. And that was almost 20 years ago. I would offer to put you all up till you needed, but, you don’t live around OKC, do you? Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/53 "2011-03-09T02:36:27Z")
> [@Sateryn76](#): > > I don’t know if I could remain in a situation that would require me to “shield” my kid from a stranger. > I don’t know that you need to worry about her kid - we only can do what we can do. And certainly no need to worry about the wife. > > Good luck! Please do not worry about her kid. You have little to no say in that regard. If you report her kid, while you are living there, some of the crap will splash back on you, because your child is in the same situation. (This isn’t an attack against you-I’m talking proximity.) If a drunken, drug dealing trollop is in control of a housing situation with children living there, well, you see what can come up. Get you and your child out of there, and then forget that you were ever there. BTW, this CoAbode doesn’t sound like such great shakes…I never heard of them, but that doesn’t mean anything, but…it doesn’t sound like they are much help. Were/are they? You need to have your own money, come up with your own deposit, your share of rent is, I’m interpreting, $500 to share a house? I think I could do better without their help, so, give that a consideration. Best wishes, hh Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/54 "2011-03-09T02:46:26Z")
Thanks, **harry** , that’s very sweet. I agree that I do need to get out asap but that it’s not really an emergency shelter- type of situation. I live in a fairly large city, Tucson, and I imagine shelter life wouldn’t be a walk in the park, either. But I think I might have a line on a way to get out within the next week or so, thanks to a very, very generous offer of a loan from a friend. So, yay for that. 🙂 Tonight at dinner- we all eat together during the week- her son said something about a conflict of plans for this weekend, and you could just feel the anger building up in her. I mean, it was like someone just kicked her grandmother in the crotch right in front of her. She has serious anger issues, and I think maybe the drinking helped before, but now she’s going dry, so is not able to cover them up. Completely ridiculous that as a 42 year-old single woman, I should be scared of someone that I live with, but in that moment, I was actually kind of afraid. It’s so tense around here all the time now! My stomach hurts. Anyway, it does look like I’m going to get out soon. Maybe when she gets to the part of the 12 steps where she makes amends to those she’s harmed, I’ll hear from her- bwahahaha, nah, I’m sure I won’t. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/55 "2011-03-09T02:48:11Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Thanks to everyone for your kindness. You all are a lot easier on me than I am on myself! > > No, I never did get on the lease, and now I’m glad. She had asked me for a deposit of several hundred dollars. I replied that I was not comfortable giving the money directly to her, but rather to the landlord. I’m aware that deposit monies paid have to go into an escrow account, to ensure that they will be available to be paid back to you within two weeks (in my city) of moving out, and I couldn’t be assured that she would have it to give it back whenever I moved out, and so I wanted to give it to the landlord at the time of lease signing. I also wanted the landlord to come over at the time of lease signing, to witness the several large holes in the backyard due to her dog digging, and the scratches that the dog has made on the sliding glass doors. I don’t want to be responsible for those damages. So, of course, she dropped the issue of the deposit, and she never contacted the landlord to put me on the lease. > > And hell, yeah, I’d love to have the house to myself because she’s in jail- unfortunately, the rent is over a thousand dollars! :eek: Listen, if she is in jail, and has a lease, you have at least a month’s free rent, as I see it. One late payment, and she will get dunned, not you. Wait til you get thrown out, if she is in jail. You may make it a few months. A terrible thought occurred to me=are you going to pay for March and April’s rent? I’m thinking that you could get an apartment if you don’t pay for those months. You aren’t going to pay for April, are you? Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/56 "2011-03-09T03:02:31Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Listen, if she is in jail, and has a lease, you have at least a month’s free rent, as I see it. One late payment, and she will get dunned, not you. Wait til you get thrown out, if she is in jail. You may make it a few months. > A terrible thought occurred to me=are you going to pay for March and April’s rent? I’m thinking that you could get an apartment if you don’t pay for those months. You aren’t going to pay for April, are you? > Best wishes, > hh She will be serving a 2-day jail sentence for the DUI, but I have no idea when that will be. Her arraignment was just today, and I imagine it’s a long, drawn-out process, and she may even be able to choose when she serves those two days. I have already paid rent and expenses for March, but I really don’t even care about that right now. Definitely won’t be paying for April, as I really don’t even see myself being here for another two weeks, if this loan thing works out. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/57 "2011-03-09T04:55:46Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > She will be serving a 2-day jail sentence for the DUI, but I have no idea when that will be. Her arraignment was just today, and I imagine it’s a long, drawn-out process, and she may even be able to choose when she serves those two days. I have already paid rent and expenses for March, but I really don’t even care about that right now. Definitely won’t be paying for April, as\*\* I really don’t even see myself being here for another two weeks, if this loan thing works out\*\*. Awesome! I’m crossing my fingers for you. Because my move out of my horrible situation is still so fresh, I’m all anxious for you and know too well how it feels to just need to get out. Stupid people! Lol, now I’m mad for you. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/58 "2011-03-09T05:35:40Z")
Talk to the folks here —\> [http://www.thesalvationarmytucson.org/HospHouse.html](http://www.thesalvationarmytucson.org/HospHouse.html) Maybe they can get you into a temporary transitional place until you can stand on your own. You need to get out of where you are right now. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 10:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/59 "2011-03-09T10:32:08Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > 1. You should talk to the police about her drug habits. When she informed you that she was buying pills illegally, she made you a party to her crimes. > > I am curious. How so? Because they live in the same house? Because of whatever it was Roomie did that conveyed to Alice that Roomie was doing something illegal. If Roomie’s drug use was private, I wouldn’t care about her private business or suggest that Alice should, either. But once Alice knows about, it stops being Roomie’s _private_ business. Now it’s public knowledge, which means it’s the public’s problem. As someone said upthread, Alice’s items are now at risk of being seized during a drug search. Her custody of her child is also at risk. Depending on how much Alice covers for Roomie, Alice could be threatened herself as an accessory. If Alice didn’t know about the drug buying, she’d just be an innocent victim of a mistake. But if, say, the drug search finds out that Alice actually knew about the drugs before they did, that makes it a lot harder for Alice to explain that it’s all a mistake and she wasn’t involved herself. I don’t give a damn about drugs in the abstract. I’d prefer to see everything available OTC. But if my roommate put me in a position where my safety was on the line because of their drug use, I would make Ming the Merciless weep tears of tender sympathy. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2011, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860/60 "2011-03-09T11:07:51Z")
Sorry to hear what sounds like a real shitty situation. Whatever else you do, definitely contact the agency that placed you there. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ive-made-a-horrible-mistake-moving-in-with-this-roommate/573860.md?page=4)