# J. Dean Tyler's Church of Circumscientology

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [November 19, 2000, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840 "2000-11-19T13:25:17Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/1 "2000-11-19T13:25:17Z")

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\<black background, foreboding music; the following captions appear in white\>

How can I experience forty minutes of erotic sensations? (p. 69)

Who stole half my dick? (p. 1/2)

How can I be a credible expert in a field I know absolutely nothing about? (p. 0)

\<picture of volcano erupting (oooooh, phallic!)\>

Do you want answers to all these questions and more? Read DICKANETICS by J. Dean Tyler! Available **only** at your local Church of Circumscientology center.

J. Dean Tyler, the founder of the Church of Circumscientology, is a “credible expert” on male genital mutilation (MGM). The Church of Circumscientology believes in the one true and omnipotent god: **the foreskin**. It is J. Dean Tyler’s mission on Earth to smash those persons who would steal foreskins from potentially virile males, and to restore foreskins to the penii of frustrated, dangerous, potential world-destroyers by using the **Tug-Ahoy™ penis puller**.

J. Dean Tyler wrote DICKANETICS after extensive research of two books and a non-existent survey, and after several weeks looking at internet porn sites. DICKANETICS exposes the evil doings of the MGM Establishment, a **vast and all-powerful coterie** which includes Jews, Muslims, Christians, atheists, Buddists, Al Gore, George W. Bush, Nelson Mandela, doctors, health specialists, nurses, ambulance drivers, black people, white people, Samoans, the ancient Egyptians, J. Dean Tyler’s astrophysics professor at UCLA, and everyone else with an iota of common sense. DICKANETICS also reveals the **two true paths to sexual nirvana** : 1. Rubbing the dorsal side of your penis against the nearest available woman, or 2. all-day, all-night masturbation. DICKANETICS **proves** that everything you ever believed about sex is wrong!

DICKANETICS also reveals:  
[ul]  
[li]the **hitherto-unknown uses** of the foreskin: to eliminate “the wet spot” during sex, to carry vital amounts of drinking water during enforced marches across the desert, and as an improptu shot glass while mixing "cock"tails[/li][li]which side of your penis is supposed to be the dorsal side[/li][li]female foreskins–and how to ignore them[/li][li]how to “power-suck” breasts[/li][li]how **Big Business** is in cahoots with the MGM Establishment–their offending products include everyday items such as Ginsu knives, MacCulloch chainsaws and Royal Daulton serrated-edge spoons[/li][li]the **lies** about female enjoyment of sex–and how the proper female response to orgasm involves playing dead[/li][li]how the **Roundhead Brigade** of circumcised males intends to unleash nuclear disaster on our planet[/li][/ul]  
DICKANETICS concludes with a set of blank pages–these represent the pages which would be **chock-full of revealing research and fascinating facts** , if only the MGM Establishment hadn’t censored all of it, honest. There is also a page of **amazing Internet links** to the site of The UNited Commission of Unmolested Tallywhackers (UNCUT), J. Dean Tyler’s homepage, and some choice porn sites.

Don’t delay! **Buy DICKANETICS today!** Unless you’re looking at some choice porn sites–we’ll understand.

**ALSO AVAILABLE FROM THE CHURCH OF CIRCUMSCIENTOLOGY!**

**Church of Circumscientology MD (Master of DICKANETICS) Diploma** ($200)  
This certificate **proves** that you are a credible expert in DICKANETICS. **Absolutely no research whatsoever** is required to receive this diploma! No need to attend any lectures or classes–that kind of thing only turns you into an educated idiot. Our MD Diploma comes in an attractive pink jelli frame, and measures fifteen square inches.

**"Plastic Paula" the DICKANETICS Companion** ($2,666)  
Frustrated by women who suggest what to do in bed and inconsiderately thrash about screaming “Oh my God!” and “Yes, yes, yes!”? “Plastic Paula” is designed for you! This blow-up doll, er, **surrogate partner** will help you to have sex the J. Dean Tyler way! “Plastic Paula” is **guaranteed** never to make any sounds, and her arms and legs will not move even during forty minutes of vigorous dorsal-side rubbing! Features include **no hot holes** (since, as all Masters of DICKANETICS know, penetration is substandard sex and uncut males don’t do oral or anal), nipples you can power-suck or push deep into the breasts, and a clitoris you can replace after you’ve worn it down to a tiny stump. “Plastic Paula” is also easy to clean, in the highly unlikely event that your foreskin does not prevent “the wet spot.” Also for sale–“Sleepy Sarah” and “Narcoleptic Nellie.”

**Tug-Ahoy™ PLUS!** ($3 billion a year)  
Are you tired of standing around wearing nothing but your Tug-Ahoy™ and socks waiting for your foreskin to regenerate? That’s why we at the Church of Circumscientology invented the Tug-Ahoy™ PLUS! Simply climb up onto the roof our your house, attach one end of the Tug-Ahoy™ PLUS! to your penis, and the other end to a heavy object. Now throw the heavy object over the side and **PRESTO**! You’re ready for sex the J. Dean Tyler way! [sub]_(Disclaimer: The Church of Circumscientology is in no way responsible for any injuries caused to people stupid enough to actually use Tug-Ahoy™ PLUS!)[/sub]_

For these and other amazing products, just call 1-555-IM UNCUT. J. Dean Tyler will be there 24 hours a day, and he can answer the phone with his free hand!

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**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/2 "2000-11-19T13:36:55Z")

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Duke,

I’m building you a shrine in my bedroom. 8:30 am has never been funnier.

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**Author:** ![London\_Calling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@London\_Calling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/London_Calling)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/3 "2000-11-19T15:01:45Z")

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It’s times like this I wish my comp hadn’t lost the weird earls…anyone got the link to the Jesus translation site ? Like to try out a few of JDT’s sermons

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**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/4 "2000-11-19T15:05:15Z")

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**Duke** , you rule!

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**Author:** ![Lemming](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ccd318/32.png) [@Lemming](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemming)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/5 "2000-11-19T15:13:05Z")

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London\_Calling:  
Perhaps you mean [http://www.askjesus.org](http://www.askjesus.org).  
That’s the one that will “Jesusify” any website.

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**Author:** ![hawthorne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@hawthorne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hawthorne)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/6 "2000-11-19T15:16:39Z")

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**London Calling** - I don’t know whether you’re talking about the thread about _weird earl’s_, but the previously featured _weird earl’s_ are archived on [this page](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/index.html).

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**Author:** ![London\_Calling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@London\_Calling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/London_Calling)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/7 "2000-11-19T15:31:20Z")

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Excellent **Lemming** and **picmr** , that’s the chappie. Thanks.

So, in The Beginning (anf hoping this won’t offend some folk):

**JDT’s original OP**

It is commonly reported by circumcised sinners who non-surgically restore Satan’s foreskins that Satan’s penis lengthens by an inch upon average. This is thought to occur because Satan’s circumcisions were so tight that Satan’s penises couldn’t fully extend whenneth erect. The immaculately conceived foreskin that is created allows for the ungodly extension that nature intended.  
Also, it is commonly reported by these same sinners that the circumference of Satan’s penises increases by about an inch (goddamn this one hath really cometh unto with any obvious reason wherefore this wouldst be so, though).  
\*\*Diane responds \*\*(in her inimitable way….)

I hath to asketh. . .

How doth Satan doth this? Nobody knows but Jesus.

Regarding the curve - The guy I am currently dating hath a curved penis that bends toward his stomach so far that it almost touches. It hits “the spot” whilst fornication, if thee know whatsoever I mean. Wherefore anyone wouldst covet to surgically correct the condition is beyondst me.

**JDT:**

\>How doth Satan doth this? \<

Diane,  
Many methods art usedst by circumcised sinners to restore Satan’s foreskins. Most sinners useth tape to just tug the remaining shaft skin forwardeth upon the period of perhaps two and twenty years. A immaculately conceived invention calledst the Tug-Ahoy is more convenient and involves goddamn this tape. It’s a painless procedure. All sinners who doth this agree that the resulteth art well worth the effort.  
BTW, slight curvatures in a sinner’s penis canst occur naturally with goddamn this ill affect. Howsoever, extreme curvatures art oft’times the resultest of badly performed circumcisions (I don’t mean to imply that tither is any such a miracle as a righteous circumcision, though. All circumcisions amputate the most erogenous part of the sinner’s penis. The very part needed to stimulate the inferior being effectively whilst coitus is amputated).

Amen

- and great work, **Duke**

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**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/8 "2000-11-19T15:45:34Z")

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But of course, no volume of **DICKANETICS** is complete without automatic inclusion in The Church of the Visible Pink Foreskin, which I started.

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**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/9 "2000-11-19T15:49:33Z")

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**Duke** , I want to have your baby.

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**Author:** ![Kiting\_Illini](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e274bd/32.png) [@Kiting\_Illini](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiting_Illini)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/10 "2000-11-19T16:08:32Z")

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Duke

Will the church also offer P-meters so that we can tell when our foreskins are sufficiently regenerated to allow us to become ‘clear’ and lecture others on the benefits of DICKANETICS?

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**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/11 "2000-11-19T18:53:17Z")

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::bows before Duke::

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**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/12 "2000-11-19T19:06:39Z")

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The Church of Circumscientology is gaining new converts every day!

Just listen to **this** testimonial:

“The book of DICKANETICS changed my life, you \*\*\*\*in’ \*\*\*\*\* piece of \*\*\*\* \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*!” – Acksiom

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**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/13 "2000-11-19T19:11:49Z")

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Classic.  
[http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/classics.html](http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/classics.html)

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**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/14 "2000-11-19T21:10:31Z")

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That was… that was…

I can’t speak. I’m in awe.

Duke, you rock!

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**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/15 "2000-11-19T22:16:29Z")

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Your organization interests me. Can I subscribe to your newsletter?

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**Author:** ![Dr.Pinky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/848f3c/32.png) [@Dr.Pinky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Pinky)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/16 "2000-11-19T22:19:23Z")

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Duke, you are a certifiable genius.  
And it was your 666 post, too.

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**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/17 "2000-11-19T22:37:29Z")

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I want to join! Every time I take my pants off in front of a woman, she laughs and laughs. I just know she is shocked and surprised by the unnatural circumcized state of my penis. I usually never even get a chance to give her erotic sensations.

I pray DICKANETICS can help me.

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**Author:** ![Demo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demo/32/8472_2.png) [@Demo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demo)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/18 "2000-11-19T23:03:20Z")

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Bravo, Duke.

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**Author:** ![Globe-trotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cab0a1/32.png) [@Globe-trotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Globe-trotter)\
**Post date:** [November 19, 2000, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/19 "2000-11-19T23:34:02Z")

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Now _that_ was funny. Thanks for the laughs!

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**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\
**Post date:** [November 20, 2000, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840/20 "2000-11-20T00:06:06Z")

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Duke, that was some funny stuff.

BTW, my Tug-Ahoy was torn during the Plus!-procedure. Can you send me a new one?

[Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/j-dean-tylers-church-of-circumscientology/41840.md?page=2)