# Jack Bauer vs River Tam (24 and Firefly/Serenity 24 spoilers) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 9, 2006, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jack-bauer-vs-river-tam-24-and-firefly-serenity-24-spoilers/343623 "2006-02-09T00:10:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jack-bauer-vs-river-tam-24-and-firefly-serenity-24-spoilers/343623/1 "2006-02-09T00:10:18Z")
While discussing the scared, vulnerable teenaged girl blowing away her captor with precision on the last episode of _24_, I thought it harkened a bit back to our beloved wayward moonbrained sister from _Firefly_. Which, of course, led to the inevitable scenario of River Tam vs Jack Bauer. While we’ve seen Jack take out quite a few people one-on-one either hand-to-hand or with a gun, I don’t think we’ve ever seen Jack take anyone out without looking, nor has he really taken on multiple monstrous, bloodthirsty savages (with projectiles) with just a couple of knives. On the other hand, Jack has died twice, and his voice would probably be able to drown out the voices in River’s head. Could Chloe & Edgar out-geek Wash & Kaylee? Could Jayne take Curtis? Could Kim or Kaylee manage to not die in the commotion? Will Badger/Yellow Tie ever really get anything done against anyone? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jack-bauer-vs-river-tam-24-and-firefly-serenity-24-spoilers/343623/2 "2006-02-09T01:08:11Z")
I gotta go with River. All that mental mojo going on. Faster reflexes, too. Plus she looks better in a bikini that Jack does (I’m guessing here.) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jack-bauer-vs-river-tam-24-and-firefly-serenity-24-spoilers/343623/3 "2006-02-09T01:08:34Z")
> [@Troy McClure SF](#): > > While discussing the scared, vulnerable teenaged girl blowing away her captor with precision on the last episode of _24_, I thought it harkened a bit back to our beloved wayward moonbrained sister from _Firefly_. Which, of course, led to the inevitable scenario of River Tam vs Jack Bauer. > > While we’ve seen Jack take out quite a few people one-on-one either hand-to-hand or with a gun, I don’t think we’ve ever seen Jack take anyone out without looking, nor has he really taken on multiple monstrous, bloodthirsty savages (with projectiles) with just a couple of knives. However, Jack has taken out a building full of terrorists armed with automatic weapons on more then one occasion with just his handgun. Jack hasn’t had a chance to take on a bunch of zombies yet, but that would make an interesting season 6. Jack: Chloe, there’s a bunch of zombies in the building in front of me. I need the floorplan. Chloe: Braaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnsssssssssssss… Jack: Chloe, I getting a little sick of your personality. Just give me the plans or THE REST OF HUMANITY WILL DIE! ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jack-bauer-vs-river-tam-24-and-firefly-serenity-24-spoilers/343623/4 "2006-02-09T01:10:14Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Plus she looks better in a bikini that Jack does (I’m guessing here.) 😃 [She does](http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/entertainers/actors/kiefer-sutherland/kiefer-mit-bra.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jack-bauer-vs-river-tam-24-and-firefly-serenity-24-spoilers/343623/5 "2006-02-09T03:06:31Z")
This is the River Tam who took a quick glance then picked up a Desert Eagle and shot three bad guys without looking. The River Tam who cleared an entire bar full of bad guys, including a bunch with knives who were trying to kill her, without breaking a sweat. The River Tam who killed God knows how many Reavers, while being armed with just a sword and an axe. Hmmn… Gotta go with Jack. (-: ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jack-bauer-vs-river-tam-24-and-firefly-serenity-24-spoilers/343623/6 "2006-02-09T03:17:19Z")
“Chloe, I need to now the safeword phrase for River Tam…NOW!” ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jack-bauer-vs-river-tam-24-and-firefly-serenity-24-spoilers/343623/7 "2006-02-09T03:49:57Z")
Jack would just shoot her. Besides, Firefly isn’t _real._ 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![tripthicket](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripthicket/32/297_2.png) [@tripthicket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tripthicket)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jack-bauer-vs-river-tam-24-and-firefly-serenity-24-spoilers/343623/8 "2006-02-09T03:51:44Z")
> [@HPL](#): > > [She does](http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/entertainers/actors/kiefer-sutherland/kiefer-mit-bra.jpg) How many were expecting to follow HPL’s link and find Summer Glau in a bikini? I feels cheated! ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2006, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jack-bauer-vs-river-tam-24-and-firefly-serenity-24-spoilers/343623/9 "2006-02-09T05:23:03Z")
> [@MEBuckner](#): > > “Chloe, I need to now the safeword phrase for River Tam…NOW!” Jayne: Don’t say it! Wash: It only works on her. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jack-bauer-vs-river-tam-24-and-firefly-serenity-24-spoilers/343623/10 "2006-02-10T22:01:40Z")
Holy hell! President Logan is the magistrate of Canton!