# James Bond vs. Osama bin-Laden **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 14, 2001, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410 "2001-10-14T23:27:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/53a042/32.png) [@Vinnie\_Virginslayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vinnie_Virginslayer)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2001, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/1 "2001-10-14T23:27:35Z")
Who would win, and why? Compared to Bond’s other foes, Osama hides much better and may not be so stupid as to delay killing Bond to brag about his master plan. Your thoughts? ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2001, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/2 "2001-10-14T23:49:03Z")
As someone pointed out in another thread, a martini-drinking tuxedo-wearing blackjack-playing womanizing beardless white guy with an English accent probably wouldn’t last very long in Afghanistan. ---
**Author:** ![Violet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/ebca7d/32.png) [@Violet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Violet)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2001, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/3 "2001-10-15T07:19:48Z")
Besides, where da wimmin’? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Abe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f1d935/32.png) [@Abe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abe)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2001, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/4 "2001-10-15T10:05:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MEBuckner \* > As someone pointed out in another thread, a martini-drinking tuxedo-wearing blackjack-playing womanizing beardless white guy with an English accent probably wouldn’t last very long in Afghanistan. Indeed, this is an accidental job for Flashman, whose writer (George MacDonald Fraser), btw, actually wrote one of the James Bond movies. In fact I believe Flashman did have a few adventures in Afghanistan back when the British were there. is this really a great debate though? ---
**Author:** ![Darqangelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecccb3/32.png) [@Darqangelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darqangelle)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2001, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/5 "2001-10-15T11:44:35Z")
I don’t think Osama is a megalomaniac who intends on sharing his plans to anyone, and certainly will not consider Mr. Bond an “admirable foe” and treat him like a gentleman once they met. And as mentioned in earlier posts, while Bond might have a passing knowledge of Afghan (see “The Living Daylights”), a white guy in the middle of Afghanistan during international tensions just wouldn’t, you know, “blend”. Now if you doubt all that about the real world, let’s talk specifics, then: Wather 9mm vs. a whole bunch of trigger happy fingers on triggers of AK-47s. Can you say “Orange juice pulp”? …I knew you could. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2001, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/6 "2001-10-15T14:02:44Z")
James Bond would win…period. Reality has nothing to do with it. Jame Bond would have any number of cool gizmos from Q that would more than tip the balance in his favor even against an entire nation. As to James Bond having only his Walther vs. oodles of AK47’s you should know by now that the Walther has an unlimited supply of bullets, never needs to be re-loaded and is perfectly accurate in the hands of 007. Anyone pointing a weapon at James Bond is forbidden by fundamental universal laws from hitting the broadside of a barn much less James Bond himself. However, if you’re going to use fictional characters against UbL then I see no reason to restrict yourself to James Bond. Send the greatest superhero of all time to mop them up. Nope…not Superman, not the X-Men, not Captain America. I’m talking about the ONE who could whip them all at the same time! Bugs Bunny Think about it and you’ll see I’m right… ---
**Author:** ![Donnie\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90ced4/32.png) [@Donnie\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Donnie_B)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2001, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/7 "2001-10-15T19:04:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Whack-a-Mole \* > However, if you’re going to use fictional characters against UbL then I see no reason to restrict yourself to James Bond. Send the greatest superhero of all time to mop them up. Nope…not Superman, not the X-Men, not Captain America. I’m talking about the ONE who could whip them all at the same time! > > Bugs Bunny > > \*\* Clearly, it was a devastating blow to our national security when Warner Brothers shut down its animation studios… ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2001, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/8 "2001-10-15T19:20:46Z")
Nick Fury, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. That’s the ticket. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2001, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/9 "2001-10-15T19:46:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by El\_Kabong \* > **Nick Fury, agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.** That cardboard stereotype? Ferrgettit. Gimmie [Snake Eyes,](http://www.yojoe.com/comics/joe/joe21.html) any day. One HALO jump over Afghanistan, three days to find bin Laden, one night to sneak in and cut some throats, everything wrapped up inside of a week. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Controvert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dec6dc/32.png) [@The\_Controvert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Controvert)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2001, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/10 "2001-10-15T23:09:00Z")
I’ll do you one further… The Flash. Two minutes to run over there, search every cave, grab OBL and lift-run him over to the nearest maximum security prison. As we all know, a fanatic in prison is better than a martyr created by Nick Fury or Snake Eyes. ---
**Author:** ![ThunderBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@ThunderBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThunderBunny)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2001, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/11 "2001-10-15T23:33:18Z")
I personally see it as a job for the Fantastic Four. Along the way they will get split up and captured, and PlasticMan will get some serious abrasions from the diabolical Sand Traps[sup]tm[/sup]. The rest will get waylayed by some toxic gas with special side effects. But eventually the Thing will snap out of it and burrow his way out of the Rat Cave[sup]tm[/sup] to fresh air and safety. But we’ve overloaded poor Osama with our superheroes. He needs some super villan assistance. Who would team up with him? There’s a doozie of a question. Red Skull is long gone. Dr. Doom doesn’t fit, he has his own agenda. Others like Kingpin (is he back yet?) are way too American. Any ideas? (whee! I’ve hijacked a hijacked thread!) ---
**Author:** ![SpaceGhostofArrakis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9fc348/32.png) [@SpaceGhostofArrakis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpaceGhostofArrakis)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2001, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/12 "2001-10-16T00:43:08Z")
[nitpick] Surely you mean _Mr. Fantastic_ and not _PlasticMan_, right? ---
**Author:** ![DPWhite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d26b3c/32.png) [@DPWhite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPWhite)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2001, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/13 "2001-10-16T01:16:43Z")
I have two friends who were both spymasters in VietNam. There are also books on how spying really works, as opposed to undercover work, which is more of what James Bond does. A spy is someone who is already in the organization in most instances, and for some reason (money, blackmail, change of heart, extortion) they decide to sell out the organization. They either walk into the embassy and say so (like Falcon and Snowman), or are the target of recruitment if it becomes known that they are vulnerable to being “turned”. Then they meet periodically at a secure location to pass information to their spy master and presumably get paid. The spy must be able to pass for native and in order to have useful information, must be in a position to gather information. The spymaster need not be native, but must have some cover story, such as business man doing importing and exporting, so as not to expose their spy or spies when they meet. Of the actually war stories I have heard from Vietnam,there were so many Americans and so many opportunities for the spies to meet with the spy masters that the covers were obvious, but maintained anyway. James Bond isn’t so much a spy (at least as Americans spy) as a one man special operations team engaging in occasional undercover work. I think even G. Gordon Liddy (who was a special operations operative before his life of crime and then talk show host) would acknowledge that James Bond is pure fiction, nobody has ever done that stuff all by their lonesome with good looks, wits, gadgets, pluck and luck. ---
**Author:** ![Gaudere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e495f1/32.png) [@Gaudere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gaudere)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2001, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/14 "2001-10-16T03:34:11Z")
[Moderator Hat ON] Moving to IMHO. [Moderator Hat OFF] ---
**Author:** ![kniz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c37758/32.png) [@kniz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kniz)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2001, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/15 "2001-10-16T06:54:25Z")
[list][list][list][list][list][list][list] **The A-Team** …:D… ---
**Author:** ![Doc\_Nickel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5fc32e/32.png) [@Doc\_Nickel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doc_Nickel)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2001, 7:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/16 "2001-10-16T07:54:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kniz \* > \*\*[list][list][list][list][list][list][list] **The A-Team** > …:D… \*\* -And just what, pray tell, do you expect the A-Team to make as their Weekly Gadget O’ Doom, out of mud-hut rubble and bits of shrapnel? Besides, _everybody_ knows that, while the standard corrugated tin-roofing sheets they use as “armor” are resistant to .223 fire from a Mini-14, the typical Afghani carries a slightly heavier 7.62mm (.311 cal) rifle. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Cheatem\_Undhow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/13edae/32.png) [@Dewey\_Cheatem\_Undhow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Cheatem_Undhow)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2001, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/17 "2001-10-16T16:03:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Doc Nickel \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by kniz \* > > \*\*[list][list][list][list][list][list][list] **The A-Team** > > …:D… \*\* > > -And just what, pray tell, do you expect the A-Team to make as their Weekly Gadget O’ Doom, out of mud-hut rubble and bits of shrapnel? > > Besides, _everybody_ knows that, while the standard corrugated tin-roofing sheets they use as “armor” are resistant to .223 fire from a Mini-14, the typical Afghani carries a slightly heavier 7.62mm (.311 cal) rifle. \*\* Not to mention the fact that the A-Team is prevented by the laws of television physics from actually killing anyone. It matters not how many times the bad guy’s car flips or how big it explodes, the next shot will show all occupants of said car getting out of the car with only minor injuries. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2001, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/18 "2001-10-16T20:17:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Doc Nickel \* > -And just what, pray tell, do you expect the A-Team to make as their Weekly Gadget O’ Doom, out of mud-hut rubble and bits of shrapnel? Hey, if the Professor can build a radio out of coconuts… 😉 > [@](#): > > Besides, _everybody_ knows that, while the standard corrugated tin-roofing sheets they use as “armor” are resistant to .223 fire from a Mini-14, the typical Afghani carries a slightly heavier 7.62mm (.311 cal) rifle. “Better put **two** sheets o’ tin on the van, guys! They got some heavy firepower!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Baroo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/76d3ee/32.png) [@Billy\_Baroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Baroo)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2001, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/james-bond-vs-osama-bin-laden/87410/19 "2001-10-16T20:32:45Z")
Clearly there is one man who can kill ObL, eradicate the Taliban, make life sweet in Afghanistan, and make the world safe for sports fans: Coach Ditka. Just grant him, and possibly an elite team of Grabowskis, diplomatic immunity, and our troubles are over, dude.