# Jared, i don't care about your ho' wife! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 5, 2003, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897 "2003-02-05T06:17:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/21 "2003-02-05T16:10:14Z")
Another random digression. Tar Tarkas obviously gets his vocabulary from reading the Straight Dope: [http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/merythorbate.html](http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/merythorbate.html). ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/22 "2003-02-05T16:15:08Z")
**Eve** , probably more points than a 6" veggie delite (hold the cheese, mayo, olives and oil) and a bag of baked lays. Save yourself. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![FranticMad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c68b51/32.png) [@FranticMad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FranticMad)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/23 "2003-02-05T16:16:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Indygrrl \* > \*\*Jared is from Indianapolis, his dad’s a doctor. Just pointless info I thought I’d share. \*\* That explains his stultiloquent rant. It gives me strikhedonia and gymnephoria at the same time. [http://www.islandnet.com/~egbird/dict/g.htm](http://www.islandnet.com/~egbird/dict/g.htm) ---
**Author:** ![cherry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cherry)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/24 "2003-02-05T16:28:00Z")
2trew, nah I just looked it up.:eek: ---
**Author:** ![Legomancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/779978/32.png) [@Legomancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Legomancer)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/25 "2003-02-05T16:33:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Manduck \* > \*\*I only know two things about Jarhead’s wife: 1. She hounds him to do all kinds of yardwork, and 2. She doesn’t cook. \*\* She also seems to be a redhead, which intrigues me. I’ve only seen the commercial twice, so I haven’t gotten a good look, but the second time I was saying, “Bah, go away Jared! Show me the redhead!” Then I remembered I have internet access, so I went and looked at all the redheads I wanted and didn’t think about Jared or Subway at all. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/26 "2003-02-05T16:37:29Z")
The part I find most droll hasn’t even happened yet. Jared has been hyped to the point where his eventual ballooning will be a marketing disaster of Delta Burke proportions. But unlike the folks at HBO who passively observed their beautiful new starlet’s battle with her weight, Subway will have to _do_ something about it before it hits the news circuit. Picture, if you will, orange jumpsuited Subway stormtroopers (summoned by their mole, Jared’s wife) abducting our corpulent protagonist and spiriting him away to a secluded Subway underground bunker. There, he is subjected to hourly workouts with Richard Simmons, who is outfitted in a decidedly too tight military inspired shorts set. When ultimately the weight is not dropped quick enough, he is sealed alive in a huge vat of mayonnaise while Subway scientists furtively put the finishing touches on their cyber-endersomatic Jared3000. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/27 "2003-02-05T17:13:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Waverly \* > \*\*The part I find most droll hasn’t even happened yet. Jared has been hyped to the point where his eventual ballooning will be a marketing disaster of Delta Burke proportions. But unlike the folks at HBO who passively observed their beautiful new starlet’s battle with her weight, Subway will have to _do_ something about it before it hits the news circuit. > > Picture, if you will, orange jumpsuited Subway stormtroopers (summoned by their mole, Jared’s wife) abducting our corpulent protagonist and spiriting him away to a secluded Subway underground bunker. There, he is subjected to hourly workouts with Richard Simmons, who is outfitted in a decidedly too tight military inspired shorts set. When ultimately the weight is not dropped quick enough, he is sealed alive in a huge vat of mayonnaise while Subway scientists furtively put the finishing touches on their cyber-endersomatic Jared3000. \*\* The point is, would it be \* fat free\* mayonnaise? ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/28 "2003-02-05T17:19:23Z")
No it will be the final inglorious insult to their fallen spokes-dullard: Miracle Whip. ---
**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/29 "2003-02-05T17:46:35Z")
Mmmm…Loves me some Miracle Whip. Jared free, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/30 "2003-02-05T17:53:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by particlewill \* > \*\*Mmmm…Loves me some Miracle Whip. > > Jared free, of course. \*\* Miracle Whip is the spunk of Satan, you bog-waddling philistine! ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/31 "2003-02-05T18:02:31Z")
Step away from the thesaurus. ---
**Author:** ![sidle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee59a6/32.png) [@sidle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sidle)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/32 "2003-02-05T18:20:49Z")
> [@](#): > > Jared, i don’t care about your ho’ wife! I do!! Anyone seen her? Is she a dog? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/33 "2003-02-05T18:25:34Z")
Yeah, like anybody quits using the Miracle Whip just because they got married. ---
**Author:** ![EVO95](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/df705f/32.png) [@EVO95](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EVO95)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/34 "2003-02-05T18:26:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sidle \* > \*\* > Anyone seen her? > \*\* I’d like to make her look like a “tub of Miracle Whip” ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/35 "2003-02-05T18:45:32Z")
i was watching my tapes of sundays fox lineup, and EVERY commercial break was that fewmet Jared yammering about how Subway has changed his life, with his quaedam wife. I egest on your curpin Subway sandwiches, you fenk! ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/36 "2003-02-05T19:02:43Z")
**Waverly** , your assessment of the grotesque evil that is Miracle Whip is both factually accurate and one of the most obscenely well-envisioned comments ever to spread despair amongst my taste-buds. I both thank you and revile you. ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/37 "2003-02-05T19:07:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Waverly \* > \*\*Miracle Whip is the spunk of Satan, you bog-waddling philistine! \*\* Do not blemish the good reputation of Satan Spunk, heathen. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/38 "2003-02-05T19:17:09Z")
It’s a good place to stash your jewelry and put it in the fridge. By your “jewelry” I of course mean your jewelry. ---
**Author:** ![Sejal\_Traurig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Sejal\_Traurig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sejal_Traurig)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/39 "2003-02-05T20:12:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lieu \* > \*\*Tars, you’d kick my ass in Scrabble. \*\* Only if he carried a Webster’s Unabirdged Dictionary along with him… I’d challenge those words and produce a time worn Student’s Pocket Dictionary… Let’s see him find those words in there… ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2003, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897/40 "2003-02-05T21:12:47Z")
Your cromulent attitude embiggens us all. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jared-i-dont-care-about-your-ho-wife/152897.md?page=3)